Thursday, July 31, 2008

Trailer Trash: The August Gang Bang

Hey Stargazers! I thought I was going to settle into a nice critique of the Dark Knight tonight when I realized...today marks the end of July! That means, I'd be remiss not to lube up and pound out a gang bang of all the major releases slated for August. And August is a doozy with, count 'em, nineteen films listed at IMDB , plus another seven opening in limited release. Quite an increase from last month's ten paltry offerings.

Those familiar with August knows it serves a dual purpose: it's the dog days of summer when the last of the big blockbusters open, and it's the dawn of the dumping ground for the studios' junk. I've soaked up all the trailers' juices and here's how I've sorted my August viewing.

Exercise the Right To Cinematic Celibacy.
Fly Me To the Moon (08/15): One of last month's animated films featured chimps being launched into space. Apparently those same chimps were crammed into a room with PCs and whipped into a frenzy until this bastard child was born. I think Nayana over at the Center Seat summed this up better than I ever could in her friends won't let friends see... feature.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars (08/15): Am I wrong or wasn't this a TV cartoon series a few years ago? Is this just a theatrical reminder of the lackluster Episodes I-III or is this choppy-looking CGI hoping to replace the foul taste left in our mouths from the other Anakins' performances?


The Longshots (08/22): Growing up is all about life lessons. I'm guessing Keke Palmer's misstep into pop music just as her acting career budded is what has her slumming alongside Ice Cube. Miss Palmer stars in this Necessary Rougness/Gracie/Remember the Titans mash-up directed by Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst. Yes, stargazers, a memorial will be held on the 23rd to mourn Keke's fallen star.

Disaster Movie (08/29): If it all started with Meet the Spartans with Superhero Movie providing the filling, I'm guessing that Disaster Movie is the top slice of bread to this shitty spoof sandwich. Although, I have to admit seeing that dude dressed up like Sex & the City's Carrie in the trailer cracks me the fuck up.

Babylon A.D. (08/29): Ah, my favorite Face-Punchee Vin Diesel stars in yet another film that looks like it warranted the straight-to-DVD treatment. It's an apocalyptic sci-fi film where Diesel plays a guardian angel of few words who must use his I'm-too-sexy-for-this-shirt biceps to save the world. That's a stretch... I mean, I've yet to believe him as the hero in any of his films to date so maybe this'll be the one.

College (08/29): Remember those enslaved writing chimps? Well, Ryan Pinkston is the one who can speak and does so to set up the premise of this hella lame affair. High school guys visit a college and all sorts of sophomoric antics ensue. Sounds great, and it was...two years ago when it was released as American Pie: The Naked Mile. I can guarantee you that AP:TNM has lots more male and female nudity, and it doesn't star American Idol douche Kevin 'Chicken Little' Covais.


It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

Swing Vote (08/01): I have to admit, I enjoy Costner when he has a turn at the slacker like in Upside of Anger or Tin Cup. Stanley Tucci and Nathan Lane always give it a good turn in movies and I'm never turned off at the prospect of drooling over Robin Thicke's ultra-fine wife, Paula Patton, whenever the chance arises. The every-vote-counts sentiment may weigh down this outrageous concept, but I hope it will still be funny.

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 (08/08): I got two words for why I will most likely see this film: THUNDER MONKEY. America Ferrera has proven that real women have curves underneath even the most "ugly" attire. Granted, this is mostly about the studios and America's three less popular costars basking in her limelight, but guys, it'll win you serious brownie points without causing too much suffering.


Tropic Thunder (08/13): I love Robert Downey, Jr. and I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't shill out evening prices to see his portrayal. That said, this trailer has never really sat well with me, nor have the excessive promotions I have seen as far back as the starring trio's appearance on the Idol. Besides, it's no secret that my Stiller tolerance level is mild at best.

Mirrors (08/15): Even if he did direct High Tension, I'd normally shy away from Alexandre Aja directing another remake, especially of a Korean horror flick. But casting Amy Smart and Paula Patton is pretty much double strength Kryptonite to the Reel Whore's resistance. Hopefully, these two sirens are luring me into a better film than I expect.

Traitor (08/29): Don Cheadle kicking ass and taking names?! If anyone has the chops to make himself a tortured soul, it's Cheadle. I'm curious what the Steve Martin-penned script is all about, but the twisty-twirly-can't-tell-good-from-bad makes me worry that the real film is far less thrilling.

Moist With Antici...Pation!

The Midnight Meat Train (08/01): WOOHOO! Clive Barker's Midnight Meat Train opens in my city...at the second-run theater? What the fuck is up with that? Who cares?! I get to see Vinnie Jones gut people on subways for an hour and a half on the big screen. And really, isn't that what entertainment's all about?


The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emporer (08/01): This almost slipped into "Friday" territory but I think watching Monkeybone versus the Monkey King will be fun. This'll also be my only chance to see Michelle Yeoh in a good action film this year (cough Babylon A.D. cough). Besides, this is the last official adventure flick of the summer so I gotta see it just on principle.

Pineapple Express (08/08): Who knew James Franco could pull off playing a loser so well? He and Seth Rogen enlist Danny R. McBride into a zany escape from the hands of a menacing Gary Cole and irate Rosie Perez. I am expecting great things...even if the trailer seems awkwardly devoid of funny moments.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona (08/15): Honestly, a film starring Scarlett Johansson exploring her lesbian side could have been written by those space chimps and I'd still be first in line to see it. Lucky for us it was written by Woody Allen and also stars the sexy Javier Bardem. I know we won't see any of the goods, but I'd advise you not to sit near any guys in trench coats when this releases.

The Rocker (08/20): The teaser for this seemed a little weak but the latest trailer really sets the stage for fun. Plus it looks like our favorite Arrested Development star GOB has a small role in the film. It looks slapsticky and cheesy but I think everything will be coming up Milhouse for Rainn Wilson.

The House Bunny (08/22): Why would you not go see the lovely and funny Anna Faris in her latest starring role? You better have a damn good reason for missing it like a car crash or being raped in the face or something like that. My girl needs your support; just one movie ticket on this day can give her the bump she needs to be the next great thing. What are you waiting for?


Death Race (08/22): Jason Statham + guns + fast armored cars + hot chicks + ass-kicking + R rating = A movie the Reel Whore wants to see! Granted, this is only thinly reminiscent of the original Carradine-Stallone 1975 film, but if its action-packed heart is in the right place, I can get down with that.


***

Ouch! I gotta say, I am not used to sloughing through so many movies. I guess I got soft over the lean summer months. If you're curious the limited release films include: Frozen River, In Search of a Midnight Kiss, Hell Ride, Bottle Shock, Elegy, Henry Poole is Here and Hamlet 2! I will be chatting positively about the last in the coming weeks, but for now I need to relax before my eyes explode from the trailer-pounding pressure!

Large Association of Movie Blogs

2 comments:

  1. Gang Bang is right! This may be the the most "whore"-ish Reel Whore post to date!

    Playmates... (HOT!) lesbians... Amy Smart... barely legal jeans...

    Are you sure this couldn't also double as a Spank Bank post? :)

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  2. It almost could have been!

    That's the one good thing about getting into the film dregs. The story may not pull you in, but there's enough hotness in the movies to make them worth watching.

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