Friday, June 5, 2009

Trailer Trash: The June-09 Gang Bang

If not for Star Trek and Drag Me to Hell, May would have been about as satisfying as the stale popcorn I choked down during Terminator Salvation. A good friend reminded me that the true summer season doesn't begin until now, despite what Hollywood wants us to think. That said, June's releases aren't shaping up to be a box-office rockin' good time either. Sadly, I can't go more than a few days without suffering from Flik-Itch, so you'll find me huddled in the dark, crying, more than once this month.

Due to its mild popularity, I have brought back my Reel's Title addition. Here are IMDB's June releases, ranked from worst to best for your reading enjoyment.

Exercise the Right To Cinematic Celibacy.

Land of the Lost (06.05) It's been a blast watching Will Ferrell appear on Man vs. Wild and the debut of The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien to hock this big honkin' summer turd. Good thing his popularity is invincible, though Land may prove to be his kryptonite.

Reel's Title: Sucksassic Park: The Lost Careers


Friel's role in LotL will open doors to nowhere.

Imagine That (06.12) I thought I'd never utter these words again, but for an Eddie Murphy flick, this doesn't look that painful. Eddie's teamed up with an uber-cute child and the attitude we thought was lobbed off along with his testicles at the turn of the century.
Reel's Title: Daddy Day...Who Cares?

My Life in Ruins (06.05) If this were a TV movie, it'd be rated TV-MA for Menopausal Audiences. BTW, it should have been a TV movie. No offense, Nia and company, but this will be your careers in ruins.
Reel's Title: My Big Fat Greek Mid-Life Crisis

Year One (06.19) Want to know how bad I think this looks? The dickishness of David Cross, the awkwardness of Michael Cera, the hotness of Olivia Wilde and the all-around yumminess of Paul Rudd can only lift this Jack Black affair to dismal. Black may be cradling the balls and swallowing the gravy of studio execs for his next starring role.
Reel's Title: A History of the World: Part Duh

Open wide Jackie boy!

It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

The Proposal (06.19) Sandra Bullock rom-coms are as inoffensive as they are forgettable. However, I do love me some Ryan Reynolds and Betty White is always good for a laugh, which should lift this from sleep-inducing to dreary-eyed.
Reel's Title: While You Were Sleeping I made Hope Floats at the Lake House using Forces of Nature...Ya-Ya

Whatever Works (06.19) Woody Allen has been on a hot streak these last few years and looks like he opted to fill his usual role with Larry David. My enthusiasm for David has pretty much always been curbed, but the Wood-Clarkson-Begley combo shows promise.
Reel's Title:What Works for Woody

My Sister's Keeper (06.26) Who cries at summer movies?! If you see this, I'm betting you will. A Jodi Picoult story directed by the Notebook's Cassavetes starring the anti-Fanning, Abigail Breslin; I dare you not to shed a tear!
Reel's Title: Niagara Falls Frankie Angel


Moist With Antici...Pation!

Tetro (06.11) I don't know how to explain it...this looks amazing. I'm mesmerized by the trailer and not just because the sensual Maribel VerdĂș stars. I haven't seen many Coppola films, but this will remind me why I should.
Reel's Title: A Film You Can't Refuse

The Hangover (06.05) Old School will always be a glorious comedy in my book, and Todd Phillips is trying to make another tasty treat from the same mold. The end result may be inedible, but my mouth is watering to take a bite.
Reel's Title: Scoundrels Get Schooled in Vegas

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (06.12) I've seen the original and it's friggin' intense. In the hands of Tony Scott, the possibilities are limitless. I just wish they'd use David Shire's groovy title score.
Reel's Title: Broken Arrow II: Battlefield Subway

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (06.24) I gotta be honest here, I'm dangerously close to inducting stars Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox into my special series for their inane shenanigans. Even so, my love for giant talking alien robots that transform into cool shit and beat the hell out of one another runs deep. Illicit photos of Megan in a three-way with Shia and his mom could surface tomorrow and it would still not keep me from seeing this.
Reel's Title: Bay-Splosions II: Revenge of the Boom-Boom-Pow!

*drool*

***

Maybe some of these June releases will prove better than expected, but you won't see me holding my breath. This will be a good month to build up my indie cred over at the arthouse theater, assuming Away We Go, Moon, and Food, Inc. open there.

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