Friday, May 7, 2010

Trailer Trash: The May Gang Bang

You can tell it's May around these parts; it's been hot as balls for the past week, but Hollywood made us suffer through the week before FINALLY premiering decent films at the theater.

As the summer movie season opens, our abundance of choices wanes. No more will we have dozens of mediocre choices to wade through. Now audiences will be lucky to find five mediocre choices in their local twenty-screen megaplex.

May brings ten major releases (according to IMDB). Luckily, above average entertainment appears to be dotted through the month. Let's see what will keep Reel Whore coming back for more.


Exercise the Right To Cinematic Celibacy.

Babies (05.07) I've been looking forward to this film's release for months. This means my local art-house theater will finally stop showing the frakkin' trailer! Babies aren't meant to be in a theater, and definitely not the stars of a movie (Look Who's Talking notwithstanding). You wanna ooh and aww over babies? That's why TLC was created, people!

Letters to Juliet (05.14) For those of you who couldn't get enough of Amanda Seyfried reading letters back in February, Hollywood's heard your whimpers of desperation and given you more obsolete dating rituals. As for the rest of us, how ya gonna keep audiences down on the farm once they've seen Seyfried's Chloe?


Shrek Forever After (05.21) The initial trailer for Shrek 4 somewhat piqued my interest, but the more each new trailer shows, the more my spidey-sense tingles. The Shrek franchise suffers from an avalanche of decreasing quality. Part 4 may rise above 3; where else do you go after rock-bottom?

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (05.28) Next, the last movie where a long-haired leading man repeatedly glimpsed into the future to save the world and his sexy love interest, bored me so badly I nearly torched the theater to spare other moviegoers. By the Persia trailer's third dagger-clicking, rewind gimmick, I felt my arsonist desires stirring. I doubt subbing the smoldering Jake for Nic Cage will save this.


MacGruber (05.21) SNL has greenlit so many amazingly bad skit-to-film adaptations over the years, but MacGruber?! Granted, the thirty-second snippets can be hilarious, but so can seeing a guy kicked in the nads. Speaking of emasculation, why, Val Kilmer? I'd almost go just to see you, but I fear MacGruber's success will lead to a Toonces movie.

It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

Just Wright (05.14) I'd be more excited to see this if the trailer didn't give the entire story away. I see Common has given away his license to ill in favor of his SAG card. Maybe he should have worked on a new album instead of portraying an NBA player. He doesn't have nearly enough tattoos to be believable.

Survival of the Dead (05.28) Romero's Land installment rocked; the Diary installment wasn't too impressive and Survival feels like it will fall somewhere in between. Trailers hint at a new Bub/Big Daddy-style zombie, which is promising, but the Hatfield-McCoy island refuge gives me pause.

Sex and the City 2 (05.27) Since all my movie companions are ladies, I'll be dragged to this despite being disappointed by Sex & the City the Movie. Sorry, stargazettes, but you can't call a film that condenses Charlotte's storyline into a poop joke, quality. I'll go see this in the vain hope they'll remedy their mistake. Plus, I want to see if they kill off Miranda. How else can they establish the third installment's plot where Samantha and Charlotte follow Carrie to Florida after she moves there to care for her saucy mother?


Moist With Antici...Pation!

Robin Hood (05.14) Do you realize it's been a decade since Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe have made a hugely successful epic, and nearly twenty years since Robin Hood appeared onscreen? The trailer plays the exact notes of Gladiator, but if it's got the same level of acting, action and story, why would you not go see it?

Iron Man 2 (05.07) This is one of my five must-see summer movies. It's an explosive, action-filled superhero flick. I have to admit, Gwyneth Paltrow's red hair is a turn-on. Scarlett Johansson as a redhead is always a turn-on, in a skin-tight suit, doubly so. And, in all honesty, if I were a woman RDJ would be my baby daddy.


***

There's May's ten major releases. Looks like the last half of the month will be a good time for me to catch up on some yard work.

Will any of these May movies put your ass in the theaters, or will you be elsewhere?


Large Association of Movie Blogs

8 comments:

  1. I could probably be talked into seeing a Toonces movie before I would see the MacGruber movies. I didn't even find the short skits on SNL to be funny and the trailers haven't made me chuckle once.

    I am really looking forward to Survival of the Dead. I am hearing mixed things about it but I can't wait to find out for myself.

    Haven't decided if I'll be checking out Robin Hood or not. Definitely going to see Iron Man 2 this weekend though, already have my tickets.

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  2. I mentioned Toonces b/c I heard rumors they were going to make it into a movie years ago. Only one scene in MacGruber tickles me; the "I'm more a three wire guy."

    I'm not sure if Survival will open here, but my buddy and I will see it if it does. We're suckers for carnage and it'll be the only film providing any in May.

    Latest trailer for RH looks good, but it could be action-loaded to trick us. I'll take the gamble.

    I'll be in I-M2 early tomorrow, I can hardly wait!

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  3. IM2 got my ass in the seat today, but nothing else in May gets my
    $10, possibly on DVD though. Here's hoping June gets here soon...

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  4. IM2 got my $ last weekend, too. I want to see Robin Hood, but looks like I'll be going alone to that one.

    Sadly, aside from 1-2 potential winners, June is looking pretty bleak to me.

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  5. IM2 was a let down. I'm never seeing that in theater again. One time, that's it.

    I won't rent it either. It's stupid.

    Batman Begins, thank you.

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  6. I didn't think IM2 was intolerable, it just fumbled the intensity a couple of times. Guess I'm going to have to get up off my review of it. :-)

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  7. I dug MacGruber. It's stupid, but in a good way. I think you'd like it, RW.

    For me, I wasn't interested in Robin Hood in the slightest. Now, my interest level is maybe a 2, but only to see how boring it really is.

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  8. Robin Hood wasn't too bad. I didn't find myself getting bored, but some more graphic fight scenes would have been appreciated. I'll get my post up soon.

    I've nearly succumbed to the urge to see MacGruber thanks to all the not so terrible reviews it's getting. I'll still wait until it hits the cheap theater, though.

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