And the award for Sexiest Actress of 2009 goes to:
Next up is
Award #11: 2009 Dirty Undies Award
Those who frequent the Reel Whore know that I enjoy any film that gives me something dirty to talk about. I try to acknowledge any appreciable measure of violence, gore, sex, nudity and general foulness in a film, though it's getting harder in this kid-friendly, PG-13, over-the-pants-hand-job most films aspire to nowadays. Still, there are a good number of films that give up the goods. This award commends those films steeped in Dirty Undies.
The Sloppy Seconds:
The Last House on the Left; Life is Hot in Cracktown; My Bloody Valentine 3-D; Observe and Report; Watchmen; Zombieland
And the winner of the 2009 Dirtiest Undies Award is:
Crank: High VoltageIf you've seen Crank: High Voltage, you know no other film had a chance of procuring 2009's Dirty Undies honor. Once you get over the unbelievable premise, settle in for a ninety-minute adrenaline rush. Chev Chelios treats audiences to brutal killings, crazy ass-whoopings and an unbelievably ridiculous, yet amazingly entertaining PDS (public display of screwing)! Crank: High Voltage is an exercise in excess and though moments will have you shaking your head in disbelief, it delivers where many films fall short.
Every year, I like to point out the movies that I feel were misjudged. A handful of films seem to never leave the theater, making beaucoup dollars despite being mediocre. Conversely, there are far more deserving films that get their screens limited and advertising cut in order to make room for more conventional fare. Here's my tip of the hat to those Severely Underrated and a wag of my finger at the Most Overrated films of 2009.
A Perfect Getaway
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
World's Greatest Dad
Now that all those awards are out of the way, only one order of business remains.
It's taken seven days but I now present to you...
Award #12: 2009's Best and Worst By Genre:
Back on Day 1, I listed all the movies in contention for each genre. The time has come to announce the best film of the year, the two also-rans, and finally, the single worst film that robbed minutes away from my life.
|Best: Black Dynamite |
Sloppy Seconds: Crank: High Voltage
Sloppy Thirds: Taken
Worst Attempt: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li
Despite Crank: High Voltage being the undisputed winner when it comes to Dirty Undies, Black Dynamite's hat tip to the blaxploitation genre hit every campy note perfectly and still managed to deliver the hard-hitting action. Ironically, Taken, while intensely unrelenting, slipped into third place by being slightly unbelievable (within its context, that is).
I hope for great things for Kristin Kreuk's career, but alas, it did not happen with Street Fighter. Maybe this blemish on her record will not keep her from bigger and better in the new decade.
|Best: The Hangover |
Sloppy Seconds: I Love You, Man
Sloppy Thirds: World's Greatest Dad
Worst Attempt: Miss March
Miss March was not only the worst comedy of 2009, it's easily the worst movie of the year - and you loyal readers know how I love to watch some shit. So you can imagine how bad this is.
|Best: Precious |
Sloppy Seconds: Inglorious Basterds
Sloppy Thirds: Moon
Worst Attempt: The Soloist
My shortlist for drama featured six moving films. I wanted to expand the category to feature them all, but that would not be fair to the remaining genres. You really can't go wrong with any of these choices, but of all three Precious will stick with you long after you leave the theater.
The Soloist wasn't a horrible movie. On the contrary, it was watchable with decent performances. With all the excellent contenders in 2009, it just wound up being at the bottom of the pile.
|Best: Zombieland |
Sloppy Seconds: Drag Me to Hell
Sloppy Thirds: Paranormal Activity
Worst Attempt: The Haunting in Connecticut
This year's entrants for best horror were all tough contenders. While I could have easily nominated five great flicks, Zombieland was the cream, the sweet, delicious Twinkie cream. Zombieland and Drag Me to Hell both blend comedy and horror phenomenally. Paranormal Activity may seem comical until those final minutes scare the shit of you.
I've beat The Haunting in Connecticut to death over how piss-poor it is. This is your final warning: going to see this may make you vomit ectoplasm like its star.
|Best: (500) Days of Summer |
Sloppy Seconds: Adventureland
Sloppy Thirds: Shall We Kiss?
Worst Attempt: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
On the other hand, Matthew McConaughey might want to lay off the bud when reading scripts. Little about this movie made sense and the characters were thinner than the dollar you wasted on seeing it.
|Best: District 9 |
Sloppy Seconds: Watchmen
Sloppy Thirds: Avatar
Worst Attempt: G-Force
I'm sure more than a few people are surprised to see District 9 as my top selection. Let's face it; if it weren't for the great effects, Avatar would just be another long-ass fantasy movie. Watchmen, while good, was also a little too long for its own good. District 9 tells a great story on a tiny budget and comes in under two hours!
Talking guinea pigs that have to save the world isn't a terrible idea in and of itself. The fact that they have to save the world from Transformer-esque killer home appliances is just mind-numbingly inane.
|Best: A Perfect Getaway |
Sloppy Seconds: Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
Sloppy Thirds: Law Abiding Citizen
Worst Attempt: Knowing
A Perfect Getaway is the kind of movie you just need to rent for a good thrill. Don't ask people's opinions; just rent it and enjoy the twists and turns.
Oh, Nicolas Cage, how is it you can make so many bad, bad movies and not be forcibly removed from Hollywood? I guess it's because you also do great films like Bad Lieutenant. I'm sure there's some statistics equation out there, but my guess is for every three craptacular flicks like Knowing, you toss us an enjoyable bone. Why can't that work the other way?
There are always a few films that don't fit into my set genres. In 2009, four films were excluded from my established genre count. These films were: Michael Jackson: This Is It; Food, Inc.; Good Hair; and Every Little Step. All four were excellent films and I recommend them highly.
That's all I wrote, folks. Agree? Disagree? Indifferent to it all? I'd love to hear what you have to say. In honor of my 07 of '09, I have set up a poll on the right. Take a minute to vote on which of these seven films was your best.