Friday, June 29, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: Frailty


Quick poll dear stargazers; being a hetero male, am I way too excited about the release of Magic Mike? First I feature Step Up in honor of Channing Tatum and today it's all about Matthew McConnaughey. I'm sure a lot of people will always love Matthew as David Wooderson, but my favorite role has to be Fenton Meiks in the vastly under-appreciated thriller, Frailty.


FBI Agent Wesley Doyle (Powers Boothe) returns to his office to meet Fenton Meiks (Matthew McConnaughey). Doyle is in charge of the "God's Hand" serial killer investigation and Meiks has come to out his brother (Levi Kreis) who he believes is the culprit. Dubious, Doyle listens as Fenton tells of the happy life he and his brother had with their Dad (Bill Paxton) until the summer of '79 when he was visited by an angel of God. According to Dad, he would find three weapons to aid his mission and that together, the three of them would seek out and destroy the demons named by the angel. Fenton thought Dad had gone crazy, but Adam's faith never faltered.

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Trailer Trash: June 29 of 2012

If you live around my neck of the woods, you already know it's going to be fucking hot this weekend. I, for one, will be staying inside as much as possible. Inside the theater that is. No need to burn my own electricity to keep me cool when I can use someone else's! The big question is whether the movies opening this weekend will be as enjoyable as the cool, dark comfort of the theater. Let's have a look-see.


Madea's Witness Protection I give Tyler Perry a lot of shit, but that's mainly because he's done the same to us. He's just trying to earn a living, albeit a livin' much larger than mine. My latest bone to pick isn't this movie (which looks absolutely terrible in every way possible), but that he's starring as Alex Cross. I'll give him props for his Madea persona, but I can't get down with him as a legitimate lead.


Verdict:  Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.



Magic Mike Hi everyone, my name is Wayne, I am a man, and I am excited to see Magic Mike. It's mainly because I believe McConnaughey will be chewing up and spitting the scenery into a spittoon from across the room. Besides every woman I know has already asked me to come along. Who knows, maybe this will be the role that really showcases Tatum's acting prowess.


Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!


Ted I'm not exactly sure how I feel about Ted. I enjoy Wahlberg and Mila Kunis has quickly risen on my list of must-see VFVH (very funny, and very hot) ladies. My hang up isn't even the premise as much as it is Ted himself. I LOATHE the Family Guy and Peter's damned voice is really turning me off. Plus I worry the comedy may be a little too close to that show's same repetitive, idiotic vein.  


Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

Whatever movie you find yourself watching this weekend, I hope it's in a cool theater!

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Tuesday, June 26, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: Step Up

I’m guessing more than a few of you are looking at this vault selection crossways. Why would I pick Step Up? Simple, I’m trying to understand the enigma that is Channing Tatum’s acting career. His recent comedy, 21 Jumpstreet, releases on DVD today and another of his films, Magic Mike, opens on a limited number of screens this weekend. He’s blowing up and I decided to turn to his first lead role to appreciate his talents.


After being bounced out of a party, Tyler (Channing Tatum), Mac (Damaine Radcliff), and Skinny (De’Shawn Washington) break into the Maryland School of the Arts and play around in the theater, wrecking the place in the process. When a security guard nabs Mac, Tyler helps him out, but gets caught in the process. His punishment for the damages done is two hundred hours of community service at the school. Tyler graduates from changing light bulbs and mopping floors when Nora (Jenna Dewan) can’t find anyone one else to replace her partner in her Senior piece. Though naturally talented, Tyler’s got a lot to learn about dance, and himself.

Rendezvous...

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Monday, June 25, 2012

MMM: What A Black Day

Good morning stargazers! Today marks the third anniversary of Michael Jackson's passing. Thought I'd reminisce with one of my many favorites. Enjoy.


Michael Jackson - Smooth Criminal

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Friday, June 22, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: Army of Darkness

Hail to the king, baby! Bruce Lorne Campbell, who turns fifty-four today, has been entertaining us for a little over thirty years, forty if you reach all the way back to his work in the short, Oedipus Rex. He's enlivened such classic characters as Jack Forrest, Brisco County Jr., old Elvis Presley, Sam Axe, the Final Shemp in Darkman, and of course, Snooty Usher. Of all his roles he is best known for Ashley 'Ash' Williams and his never-ending battle against the Army of Darkness.

After battling an ancient evil he unleashed from the Necronomicon, a.k.a Book of the Dead, Ash (Bruce Campbell) and his '73 Oldsmobile Delta 88 are sucked back to 1300 A.D. He is 'greeted' by Lord Arthur (Marcus Gilbert) and his men and taken to their castle to be tossed in the Pit. The Pit isn't a spa for guests, but a dank hole filled with Deadites. Ash rises up and takes charge, proving himself to be the prophesied Chosen One as proclaimed by Arthur's Wiseman (Ian Abercrombie). The Wiseman wishes Ash to quest for the Necronomicon which will deliver them from evil, but Ash only wants the book so they can return him to his own time and his job at S-Mart. One little book, three simple words; how could anything possibly go wrong?

Rendezvous...

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Trailer Trash: June 22 of 2012

Another weekend, another weekend out of town. Don't get me wrong, I've been having lots of fun on these trips, but I am looking forward to staying home just one weekend this summer. Especially since the quality of the new releases appear to be on the upswing. 

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter I can't tell you how many folks have asked me about this flick. More out of perplexed curiosity than out of actual interest, but any buzz is good buzz right? My personal opinion; bring on the ass-whoopin Abe! An insane premise for sure, but sometimes those are the most entertaining. Besides, who really needs a plot to watch unbridled carnage?  



Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!


Brave I'm certain this will be yet another phenomenal Pixar release that will have kids and adults alike joyous and tearful with its uplifting sappery. I'm also certain I'll check it out at some point because it does look fun. It's just I'd rather see Lincoln kick tons of vampire ass first. 






Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.


Seeking a Friend for the End of the World It's about fucking time. I feel like I haven't seen a good comedy in FOR-EVER. Maybe that's because American Reunion and Dark Shadows didn't live up to my modest hopes. I'm leaving it all up to Steve Carell to spare us from the fate of a summer without gut-busting laughs. No pressure, but I need to know there was a valid reason for leaving The Office to nosedive into mediocrity.


Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!


Well, I best get back to packing. Enjoy your weekend and I'll catch you next week.

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Tuesday, June 19, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: My Blue Heaven

For months I’ve been wanting to induct a Steve Martin film into the vault, but he’s done so many great films (and quite a few poor ones) that it was impossible to decide where to start. Thankfully, Horror Thursday contributor Jason Soto shook me from my indecision with a movie that is apparently unknown by many. If you are one of these, let me enlighten you.

Vincent ‘Vinnie’ Antonelli (Steve Martin) is a former mobster turned FBI informant. To keep him safe before he testifies at two trials in New York, he and his wife Linda, now Tod and Terry Wilkinson, are relocated to Fryburg, a suburb of San Diego. The agent assigned to his case, Barney Coopersmith (Rick Moranis) has a tough time keeping the lovable miscreant hidden since his wise guy antics repeatedly draw the attention of the town’s DA, Hannah Stubbs (Joan Cusack).

Rendezvous...

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Monday, June 18, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: Glengarry Glen Ross

Rock of Ages opens today and the worst part about the trailer is how ridiculous and out of place Alec Baldwin looks. For the vault selection, I was searching for a prouder, more respectable Alec and, as if he read my mind, Kai posted his Top 10 Films: Kevin Spacey wherein he praises Alec for his cameo in Glengarry Glen Ross. Having never watched this acclaimed film, what better choice was there?


Ricky Roma (Al Pacino), Shelley Levene (Jack Lemmon), George Aaronow (Alan Arkin), and Dave Moss (Ed Harris) are four shady real estate salesman at Premiere Properties struggling to close their pitiful leads. On this dreary evening their manager, John Williamson (Kevin Spacey), introduces Blake (Alec Baldwin), a motivator sent by the head office to “inspire” the salesman to greatness lest they want to be sent packing. Four men enter, two men leave (and two men stay and earn the prime Glengarry leads) … Welcome to real estate.

Rendezvous...

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MMM: Some Kind of Alien

It's been a few weeks since I've brought a Monday Mood Music to you. I know you've missed them. I was at a loss for which song to choose today, but then I remembered the first song I heard when I turned on the radio this morning. The local rock station hear has been killing the "Van Hagar" recently. Even through the fog of waking up, I immediately recognized that synthesizer. If you've been deprived of the definitively 80s sounds of Sammy and the Halens, be without no longer!

Van Halen - Love Walks In


The post title is not only a reference to the song, but also to let you know that I finally saw Prometheus this weekend. Intense stuff.

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Friday, June 15, 2012

Trailer Trash: June 15 of 2012

Looking at this week's new releases, I'm glad I was out of town and unable to see Prometheus because at least I still have a reason to go to the movies. Maybe the offerings aren't that bad, you tell me. 

Rock of Ages What's going on here? I'm not averse to a musical, but Alec Baldwin looks ridiculous, and not in his usual fun 30 Rock way. I'm glad Catherine Zeta-Jones still knows her way around a film set, but most of all, I'm excited knowing Tom Cruise as Stacee Jaxx will be the undisputed highlight of this entire mess. Even so, I'll wait to see this mess in the fall, after I've worked my way through all the really good summer films.  


Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

 

That's My Boy As long as an Adam Sandler project doesn't involve Kevin James and Chris Rock, I'm usually on board. I'm also ready to see if Andy Samberg will ever make something of himself beyond SNL. Not that Hot Rod was that bad, but he's still got a ways to go. My biggest reason to see this is Eva Amurri and the fact that it has an R-rating instead of cow-toeing to the PG-13 crowd like Sandler usually does.   


Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.


Will any of you be headed to see these, or will you, like me be checking out Prometheus?

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Tuesday, June 12, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: Saved!

This coming weekend, moviegoers will get the chance to see Eva Amurri star alongside Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg in That’s My Boy, a comedy dealing with teens and pregnancy. This isn’t Eva’s first time poking fun at this serious subject; for that we look to Brian Dannelly’s debut feature film, Saved!.


Jesus has been at the center of her life ever since Mary (Jena Malone) was born-again at age three. Naturally, that’s why when her boyfriend, Dean (Chad Faust), confides that he may be homosexual, Jesus comes to Mary in a vision and asks her to help cure Dean of his spiritually toxic affliction. By the summer’s end, Chad’s parents send him to Mercy House despite Mary giving all of herself, including her virginity, to “de-gayify” him. After learning that doing God’s work has left her pregnant, Mary loses her faith and falls out of favor with her best friend Hilary Faye (Mandy Moore) as she tries to hide her secret.

Rendezvous...

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Friday, June 8, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: A Low Down Dirty Shame

You’d think I’d have burnt the vault down by now with all the birthday candles I keep lit. I do enjoy showing birthday love and at my celebrations I’d make certain Milton would get a piece of cake. Today we gather to celebrate the birthday of writer-director-producer-actor Keenen Ivory Wayans.


Shame (Keenen Ivory Wayans) is a private detective who takes crap cases for shit pay and still doesn’t make ends meet as his outspoken, loudmouthed assistant Peaches (Jada Pinkett) frequently reminds him. A visit from his old colleague, Sonny Rothmiller (Charles S. Dutton), stuns the quick-with-a-comeback and quicker-with-a-gun shamus. Shame’s former lover Angela (Salli Richardson) is in town and set to testify against her ex, Mendoza (Andrew Divoff), the drug lord who left Shame’s life in shambles the last time they crossed paths.

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Trailer Trash: June 8 of 2012

Been back from my latest convention trip for a few days, but still can't quite get life back on track. This weekend's plan is to chill completely. While I relax, I do hope to find time for movies, but I've got some new releases catch up to do. For those ahead of the game, will either of these entice you into theaters?

Prometheus What's it got going for it? It's a prequel to Alien. Alien originator Ridley Scott is directing. It's not AvP: R-squared. It stars the badass Dragon Tattoo actress, Noomi Rapace. It's got other cool people like Michael Fassbender and Charlize Theron. Everything about it looks friggin' awesome. Do you really need more reasons to see it?

  

Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!

 

Madagascar 3 - Europe's Most Wanted Du-du-dada, dadu-du-du-Stupid, Du-du-dada, dadu-du-du-Painful. Stupid-Painful, Stupid-Painful. How is it there have been three of these trite, tepid films? This series has never interested me in the slightest and it looks about as enjoyable as Shrek's 2 through infinity. I can't fathom that I'll spontaneously purchase a ticket to the third turd in this series.  


Verdict:  Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.


Whatever you find yourself doing this weekend, I hope it's enjoyable. If you're looking for me, I expect I'll be in a bed, chair, or couch somewhere.

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Tuesday, June 5, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: Office Space

While researching for the Gunmen post a couple of weeks back, I found it reassuring that when asked if being known mostly for Highlander bothered him, Christopher Lambert said that in some ways it’s good to have at least one thing for which you could really be immortal. To many women, Ron Livingston may always be Berger, the Post-It guy thanks to Sex and the City, but for the majority of us he will be forever remembered as the disgruntled Initech programmer Peter Gibbons. Today, on his forty-fifth birthday, the vault salutes Ron Livingston and his role as the desk jockey’s hero.


Every single day that you see Peter Gibbons (Ron Livingston), that’s the worst day of his life. It’s because as a programmer at Initech, every day he is subjected to the annoying quirks of his cubicle neighbors and reminded by eight different bosses of the importance of doing his TPS reports correctly. He’s not alone, his buddies Samir (Ajay Naidu) and Michael Bolton (David Herman) suffer right along side him. To squelch his malaise, Peter sees a hypnotherapist and the session overhauls his outlook. Meanwhile, his boss, Bill Lumbergh (Gary Cole), hires a pair of consultants to streamline inefficient procedures, a.k.a. downsize, the company. With his friends’ jobs up on the chopping block, Peter devises a plan to set the three of them up with a healthy severance.

Rendezvous...

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Saturday, June 2, 2012

MILF Rendezvous: Necessary Roughness

You may be wondering why in the hell would I review this particular movie when the preceding film about a baseball team of lovable losers is SOOOO much better. I was in the market for a Scott Bakula movie for my convention preparation and either the movies were too new, like The Informant!, his role was too small, like in American Beauty, or I never want to see the movie again, like Lord of Illusions. Not that Scott was bad in Lord of Illusions, but because what’s not to like in Necessary Roughness?

After committing a slew of regulatory violations, Texas State University President Purcell (Fred Dalton Thompson) enlists Ed “Straight Arrow” Gennero (Hector Elizondo) to rebuild and coach a new, morally-principled Fightin’ Armadillos football team. After tryouts reveal the slim pickings available from the student body, defensive coach Wally “Rig” Riggendorf (Robert Loggia) recruits 34-year old Paul Blake (Scott Bakula), a promising quarterback who gave it all up years ago to run the family farm. With such a meager squad, Gennero and Rig resort to playing iron-man football and recruiting a university teacher, Andre Krimm (Sinbad), and soccer player, Lucy Draper (Kathy Ireland), to keep the program alive and away from the chopping block of the football-hating Dean Elias (Larry Miller).

Rendezvous...

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