Trailer Trash: The December Gang Bang

Another month has passed and the time has come to grab a bucket of ice and participate in the gang bang. The month of December has far fewer and more obscure participants than last month for many reasons. One is that people are feeling the holiday spirit a little too much to enjoy too many outings to the theater. Second, it's the push for gripping award winning drama, i.e. excruciatingly long and thoughtful films, that take over the silver screen.

According to IMDB's December Now Playing List at the time of this posting there are twenty-six films to be released in December and only twelve of those are slated to be wide releases. The majority of the films will be limited releases that will receive wider release during January, assuming audiences find them interesting enough. So, assuming all these films will come to my town (though realizing half of these won't surface here until damn near February) I now present the December Gang Bang.

Moist with Antici...Pation!
The Walker (12/7 ltd.) Woody Harrelson has been making a comeback in recent years and working with a strong supporting cast of Ya-Ya also-rans holds promise. If that doesn't pull you in the character and ambiance of the preview is enough to warrant consideration.
Grace Is Gone (12/7 ltd.) Oh my, our young Cusack is all growed up. He's tackling the heavy roles and looking especially dowdy in his windshield sized specs. He looks all torn up in this film and I have the feeling there will not be a dry eye in the house by the time the credits roll.
Juno (12/14 ltd.) Mention the names Michael Cera or Jason Bateman to me and I'll be first in line to buy a ticket. Throw in the fact that this looks to be an equally funny (if not funnier), less drug-impaired version of "Knocked Up" and why would you not add this to your must-see list?
Charlie Wilson's War (12/21) Yeah yeah yeah, folks are sick of watching films about Afghanistan and war. On the plus side, Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman make the idea of sitting through another war story tolerable, maybe even enjoyable.
Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (12/21) Judd Apatow has been known to have his missteps and this may be yet another one. But I'm willing to take that risk for a film that headlines John C. Reilly - truly, the man is due his props and my hope is that it begins here.
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (12/21 ltd.) When dreamy Johnny Depp teams up with creepy Tim Burton it is always quite the spectacle. While I do find it odd that the trailers seem to avoid the musical aspect of this story, I have no fear that this dark tale will inspire thrills and chills...Burton's bizarre arm candy, Helena Bonham Carter, alone will see to that.
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (12/25) Remember last year when you were at the movies and you couldn't believe the three people walking into "Black Christmas" while you were going to see "Deck the Halls?" Yeah, well I was one of those people and while "BC" sucked massive donkey balls, I have come to respect this franchise born of a video game born of two disparate film franchises. Now, let's go watch shit get raw.
The Orphanage (12/25 ltd.) If you haven't noticed, I do love me a good slasher film but I do appreciate a quality scary film on the rare occasion one presents itself. "El Orfanato" or "The Orphange" looks like it will terrify the Jeebus out of its audience.
There Will Be Blood (12/26 ltd.) Awesome doesn't even begin to describe Daniel Day-Lewis. Nor does it describe Paul Thomas Anderson and his work behind a camera. Find this trailer, watch this trailer, and get ready to be pissed to have to wait for the movie to be released.

It's Friday, I don't want to be alone.
The Golden Compass (12/7) Finally, this movie will be released. I was not dying to see it mind you, but if I had to sit through another month of trailers, I'd slit my wrists. This looked promising when promotions started a year ago, now I just want to put a bullet through the armored head of every polar bear I see.
Revolver (12/7 ltd.) Jason Statham and Ray Liotta in a Guy Ritchie film that doesn't also star Madonna?! I should be sporting wood over this film but, sadly, I'm not. Maybe I'm turned off by seeing Statham with hair longer and greasier than my fingers at a KFC buffet.
The Amateurs (12/7 ltd.) I don't know what's weirder, the idea that a small town could produce it's own amatuer porn or that anyone in a small town would let someone like Jeff Bridges convince them to do it. I can feel safe knowing that this huge ensemble cast is probably worth blowing my load over.
The Kite Runner (12/14 ltd.) The second tale featuring Afghanistan has the distinction of being adapted from a best-selling novel. Knowing this will be a sure-fire Oscar contender is probably the only thing that will put me in the theater for this...does that say a lot about me or about this lackluster trailer?
National Treasure: Book of Secrets (12/21) I look at this trailer and can't help but think, why? Because the first was a success or because Nicolas Cage's best performance in the past year was in the fake trailer "Werewolf Women of the SS" in "Grindhouse" and he's scrapping for a hit? I mean I'll see this regardless but I have my wagging finger at the ready.
The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep (12/25) Granted, the "Millions" kid is as cute as a button and watching a canine being pestered by CGI is adorable, but I've got to draw the line here. Walden Media is determined to mar the reputation of any half-decent kid's book within its reach. I can't decide whether to stop the madness or just have myself committed.
The Great Debaters (12/25) It's impossible to escape December without at least one biopic, and this one stars not only the brilliant Forest Whitaker but also has the dazzling Denzel Washington (both behind and in front of the camera). If you have to endure at least one big screen made-for-TV movie, why not let it be this one?
The Bucket List (12/25 ltd.) Back in October 2006, Rob Reiner must have thought that the NBC show "Twenty Good Years" was on to something. Taking the concept no one cared about, he tacked on the two all-time scene chewers Nicholson and Freeman and he's prime to rake in the coinage. Damn his soul!
Cassandra's Dream (12/25 ltd.) Sparkly man candy Ewan McGregor shares the screen with skeazy man candy Colin Farrell. Woody Allen seems to have been on a winning streak with his last few movies so why do I get the feeling that his luck is about to run out? Maybe excellent acting by the pretty boys and Tom Wilkinson will keep him afloat a little longer.

Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.
Atonement (12/7) Movie makers love to shove Keira Knightley into some period pieces and out of period attire whenever possible, but I think James McAvoy will emit the sex appeal in this film. Otherwise this just looks like a British "Cold Mountain" and I don't know if I can sit still for that tale once more.
The Perfect Holiday (12/12) Damned if it ain't Terrence Howard in yet another 2007 movie! But he's not the draw here. Apparently, they're trying to see if the sound of crickets can drown out the audience's response. I mean who in their ever-lovin' mind would hire Charlie Murphy, scratch that, Charlie Murphy and Katt Williams for a friggin' PG movie?!
Alvin and the Chipmunks (12/12) Thanks to the overexposure and saturation of Justin Timberlake throughout 2007, a CGI-version of these nasally-voiced rodents was inevitable. I must admit to chuckling at a couple of moments of this trailer (with great shame) but it'll be Jason Lee who'll be trying to wash the stinkpalm effect of this film off his resume for years to come.
I Am Legend (12/14) Am I the only person who thinks this film looks dull as dirt? "Legend" a remake of the Heston classic "The Omega Man," has all the markings of a sleeper more so than a sleeper hit.
Youth Without Youth (12/14 ltd.) Hmm, Francis Ford Coppola's in the director's chair once again. I watched all the trailers and I still don't get what the hell this story is supposed to be about. This may be a time when having a fast-forward button is a blessing.
P.S. I Love You (12/21) You can say I'm a Grinch when it comes to romantic comedies, but the idea that a dead man plans out his wife's grief recovery and sets her up with a creepily similar new love is more sick than endearing. P.P.S. Only way I'll be in the theater for this one is if Swank is there giving out free handjobs.

December Releases not included:
Flakes (12/19 ltd.) Though no trailer was available for this film, Zooey Deschanel is a nice bit of eccentric eye candy and in the hands of the director of the "Hudson Hawk" who knows what heights (or depths) this story could reach.
Persepolis (12/25 ltd.) I've watched the trailers several times and I don't think I have the proper frame of reference to judge this. If we even get this film in my neck of the woods, I gotta check it out if only to see if the whole film will make me understand it better.

Whew!
I think that's about all the celluloid one person can take. Was it good for you?