That's a Huge Bitch!

Avatar


Release: 12.18.09
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 42 minutes


See It, Take A Friend, Buy the DVD!



Disabled vet Jake Sully (Sam Worthington, Terminator Salvation) is offered the opportunity to serve his country by taking his now-deceased twin brother's position in the Avatar program on Pandora. Avatars, led by Dr. Grace Augustine (Sigourney Weaver, Aliens), use genetically engineered versions of Pandora's native people, the Na'vi, to communicate and learn about their culture.

Corporate weasel Parker Selfridge (Giovanni Ribisi, Boiler Room) and military hard-on Col. Miles (Stephen Lang, Tombstone) could give a rat's ass about science and diplomacy, and use Jake to discover the quickest way to get to the coveted unobtanium deposits.

While on mission, Jake inadvertently meets Neytiri (Zoe Saldana, Star Trek) who convinces her people to teach Jake their ways. The truth and beauty behind the Na'vi and Pandora is uncovered as the patience of Selfridge and Miles is exhausted, leaving Jake to decide to which side he truly belongs.

Damn, that was one long-ass synopsis, but did you expect any less from a movie that clocks in at nearly three hours? I finally plopped down into Avatar 3D on its third week in theaters, already more than weary of the gushing hype surrounding it. This bitterness made me prone to honing in on the evident similarities to earlier films by writer-director James Cameron (Terminator).

The science vs. corporate-military motif brought Aliens to mind. The hero dons experimental tech to interact with an alien race, The Abyss. The budding relationship between two people from different walks of life, Titanic. The inevitable destruction of inferior lifeforms was akin to that foretold in Terminator 2: Judgment Day, except now Na'vi are the humans, and the humans are the terminators.

Though it's not Cameron related, watching Jake discover the wonders of Pandora was like the BBC series Planet Earth. Heck, Sigourney Weaver was even there to narrate a portion of his experience.

By the time it ended, I stood up, shook off the booty numbness and had to admit that it's deserving of the hype. Much of the film is exactly like watching Planet Earth, which is amazing considering Pandora exists on a hard drive somewhere. The visual achievements are beyond words. The years of hard work Cameron poured into creating such a realistic world are evident in every frame.

Does that mean when you dust off your copy of Avatar in a decade to show to your kid's friends, it will hold up? Not a chance. Just like Terminator 2, Avatar has set the bar and future audiences can only expect bigger and better visual effects. It will never stand on the merits of its story. The moniker of the mineral "unobtainium" alone is evidence of that. Avatar is largely formulaic and unoriginal in its character and story development.

Dirty Undies
Avatar isn't action-packed, but Cameron balances the exposition, the discovery and the mind-blowing mayhem. My favorite action sequence had to be Jake's rite of passage with the Mountain Banshee.

It's a testament to the visual effects that they make Neytiri pretty damn sexy. It would have been nice for Michelle Rodriguez (Resident Evil) to get a larger role, but at least she was cute in the few scenes she had.

The Money Shot
Despite pilfering well-worn characters and themes, Avatar is far from boring. It truly is a cinematic experience; a spectacle to behold. Avatar might not reel your heart into the plight of Jake and the Na'vi, but discovering the wonders of Pandora will easily occupy you for the three hour runtime.

Dig Deeper, Watson.

Sherlock Holmes


Release: 12.25.09
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 8 minutes


Full Price



Sherlock Holmes (Robert Downey, Jr., Wonder Boys), the man and the movie, hit the ground running. Holmes skulks in the shadows, hot on the trail of evil-doers as they congregate for an unholy sacrifice. Holmes and his partner, Dr. Watson (Jude Law, Closer), swing into action before Inspector Lestrade (Eddie Marsan, V for Vendetta) and Scotland Yard arrive, stopping the fiendish killer Lord Blackwood (Mark Strong, RocknRolla) from taking another life.

Given a lack of challenging cases, Holmes becomes bored until the now dead Blackwood is spotted rising from the grave. As people die at the hands of the reborn madman, Holmes and Watson must discover the truth behind the black magic, if they can keep their own personal issues and Holmes's old flame, Irene Adler (Rachel McAdams, State of Play), from throwing him off his game.

Sherlock is exhilarating and Downey is excellent, as always. The banter and strained camaraderie between Holmes and Watson is engaging and reminds me of the tried and true buddy mash-ups. The details and plot are intricate and carefully laid, ensuring a satisfying resolution to the supernatural mystery.

Why, then, did I leave Sherlock Holmes feeling it lacked something? The slow-motion, annotated prelude to Sherlock's plans was stylish and enhanced the impact of the fight scenes. The momentum of the story rarely falters; witty dialogue and random action sequences are plentiful.

The problem is that it feels like every minute of its two hour and eight minute runtime. Sometimes that's just the way it is. For example, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was an excellently made film, but damned if I could sit through it again. I wondered if Sherlock Holmes would have been on point if director Guy Ritchie (Snatch) had trimmed fifteen to twenty minutes.

Dirty Undies
As much as I hate to say this, Ritchie could have made Sherlock Holmes snappier had he cut Rachel McAdams. Though she is lovely and saucy as Adler, her character does nothing more than establish a premise for the sequel. For pete's sake, save those glimpses for Sherlock Holmes II: The Holmes Field Advantage!

The Money Shot
All in all, there's nothing wrong with Sherlock Holmes. Good story, good action and solid performances. I heartily recommend laying down some coin at the box office to give it a go. However, I hold no such claim for future sequels...I feel a jumbled, bloated Pirates trilogy on the horizon.

LAMBScore:

MMM: New Beginnings

Welcome to the first Monday Mood Music of 2010! I deliberated long and hard to decide who should start off the new year, then it hit me. Since the new year is always a time for new beginnings, why not pick an artist who's releasing a new album?

During the first of the three seasons I was forced to watch American Idol in its entirety, this performer made the show tolerable. She was a great singer, and it didn't hurt that she was very easy on the eyes. After having to listen to yet another Chris Daughtry power ballad or watch Taylor Hicks contort into another epileptic performance fit, I could always count on Katharine McPhee to wash away the craziness.

Sadly, her post-Idol career hasn't been as reliable. As runner-up, she released the same bland, cookie-cutter album every Idol female first churns out. It had a few decent songs, but was largely forgettable. Then she moved on to acting. She had a named role in 2008's The House Bunny, then her acting career seemed to vanish.

Now she's back with new music and a new 'do. I like the shorter length to her hair, but the bleach-blond color isn't doing her any favors. Especially when it's slicked back a la eighties in the following video. To each their own I suppose.

Based on this newest single, it sounds like she's trying her hand at the country-pop angle. Not what I'd expect, but it's a new year so why not mix things up? I'll be giving her new album, Unbroken, a listen later this week. Here's hoping it's the awesome album she should have made three years ago. Tell me what you think of her new direction:

Katharine McPhee - Had it All

You know, I'm kinda diggin' it...the tune, not the blond ambition.

RW Quarterly, Vol. II - Issue 4

Any whore worth his salt knows you have to step back from the daily grind now and again to do a little bookkeeping. The Reel Whore Quarterly indexes all the films I've seen over the last 13 weeks.


Every review I've posted is linked. Films italicized in blue are in the review queue so be sure to check back for those. If a film below deserves a whore-treatment but isn't slated to receive it, request it!

2009 has come and gone. Due to the holiday weekend, I was unable to post my fourth quarter film list on its originally scheduled day. Better late than never, right?

That's a phrase I've said many times these last few months of 2009. As you'll see below, I was not lacking in movie material to review, yet somehow little new content was posted. I feel I got some splainin' to do.

As I mentioned in my previous quarterly, I attributed my delinquency to taking a night class while also working full time (and my increasing addiction to television). Those things in conjunction made it harder to find the time to watch movies, let alone write about them. I kept telling myself, my class would be over by mid-November and the Reel Whore would be back on track.

As you may have noticed, November came and went, yet the review frequency didn't improve.

I guess I got out of the writing habit or perhaps I suffered from the dreaded blogger burnout. Either way, what's passed is past and now it's onto the future. I welcome 2010 with renewed vigor. I am revving my engines to churn out my week-long Confessions where I chronicle the highs and lows of 2009. I know you're excited about that! I also have one helluva meme on the way so, fellow bloggers, stay tuned.

Now, onto my final quarterly statement of 2009:

The Reel Whore's Movies Watched
October 1 to December 31, 2009

112. Zombieland
113. Cast Away
114. Thirst
115. The Informant
116. High Noon
117. Bad Lieutenant
118. Law Abiding Citizen
119. Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warrirors
120. Teen Wolf
121. Children of the Corn
122. Paranormal Activity
123. Good Hair
124. Fame
125. Time Traveler's Wife
126. Blood: The Last Vampire
127. Michael Jackson: This Is It
128. Men Who Stare at Goats
129. Siren
130. Southland Tales
131. A Serious Man
132. Coco Avant Chanel
133. Fanboys
134. Bloodsport
135. The Rocker
136. Assassination of a High School President
137. Couples Retreat
138. Fantastic Mr. Fox
139. Ninja Assassin
140. Planet Terror
141. Death Proof
142. Bachelor Party
143. Hellboy II: The Golden Army
144. An Education
145. Precious
146. Black Dynamite
147. Hallmark: A Christmas Carol
148. Life is Hot in Cracktown
149. Christmas Vacation
150. Brothers
151. A Christmas Story
152. Gran Torino
153. The Hangover
154. Sherlock Holmes
155. Dumb and Dumber
156. Jennifer's Body
157. Avatar
158. Drag Me to Hell

MMM: More like TMM

Morning stargazers! As you may have noticed, this week's edition of the Monday Mood Music is actually being posted on Tuesday which kind of ruins the whole Monday part of the gimmick. Not having access to a computer makes it impossible to get a new post out in the world, but not remembering you had a post scheduled tends to screw things up, too.

With Christmas behind us and 2010 quickly approaching, my brainpan has been all a sizzle about what I accomplished in 2009 and what goals will migrate into the new year. As the wife knows, I tend to focus on what I have yet to accomplish and forget all the things I did do. I should relish those successes and not fret over the missteps but, for me, that's easier said than done.

While cleaning out my email, I ran across a saved message from 2008. It's one of those "Have you seen this video?" forwards. Specifically, it's a link to the Where the Hell is... Matt website. You know, the dancing around the world guy that was SO last year. Despite being old news to many, his website reminded me of the importance of not beating myself up over those missteps. This revelation came to me when I watched his collage of outtakes. Sure, his Where the Hell is Matt dancing video was an internet phenomenon, but he didn't knock it out the park every time.

So here's to 2009, it's successes and failures. And to celebrate my failure to post a Monday Mood Music on the right day, here's the video that's more about dancing than about the music. The Dancing Outtakes Song used was created by Gary Schyman with the skills of Kevin Dukes, Jonathan Clark, Amick Byram, John Beasely and Chad Norris, in case you were wondering:

Dancing Matt - The Outtakes

How was your 2009? What are your 2010 aspirations? I know I won't be aspiring to dance on a suspended boulder in Kjeragbolten, Norway - that's just insane!

Wanna Peek at the Christmas Poll?

With Christmas right around the corner, it's time to see which holiday movie you voted as the must-see holiday classic. Every year I make it a point to watch all my favorite holiday movies, but there's a handful of classics that I've never seen. Here's how seven of the holiday classics ranked in your opinion:


Turns out Miracle on 34th Street and Babes in Toyland, two films I vaguely recall playing on my grandmother's old console TV every Thanksgiving, aren't really interesting to you either. Both received 0 votes.

White Christmas and A Christmas Carol (1951) eked out a third place showing with 1 vote each.

Firmly holding down second place is Tim Allen's The Santa Clause with 2 votes. I watched this for the first time over the weekend. The effects are dated, but it's a good little story.

The number one must-see Christmas movie is actually a 3 vote tie between It's a Wonderful Life and A Muppet Christmas Carol. I expected the shame-inducing for Wonderful Life, but who knew the Muppets had it going on like that?!

I said I would make it my priority to watch the #1 film before the Christmas holiday. I already have It's a Wonderful Life on the DVR, I just need to nestle all snug on my couch and give it a good viewing.

A Muppet Christmas Carol may prove tougher. There are no network showings on the horizon. I'd have it sent from Netflix, but it's not available. Hrrrmm... We'll see what I can do.

This is normally the point in the post where I introduce my next poll. However, I'm going to marinate on my next posit for a week or two and give you folks a break. In the meantime...

Go forth stargazers. Eat, drink and make merry!

MMM: All I Want for Christmas

Morning stargazers! Sorry I've been MIA this past week, but I was on the losing end of a battle against the creeping crud that seems to have infested nearly everyone. Thanks to much OTC medication, I am once again functioning normally, though only for four-hour intervals.

Getting sick sucks, but especially so around the holidays. I had to miss out on a couple of Christmas gatherings. So much good food missed, and the fellowship of course. Now as I claw my way through this curtain of congestion back to the land of the healthy, I really need a kick in my Christmas spirit to brighten the mood.

Who better to provide that than one of my favorite singers? While I try to avoid repeating artists too often in my Monday Mood Music, I think you won't mind indulging me. It'll definitely lift my, um, spirits, and get me in the mood; the Christmas mood that is. I hope it'll do the same for you:

Shakira - Santa Baby

Hopefully, this little pick me up along with another day's dosage of drugs will make me myself again. Too much Christmas joy and too many good movies to try and enjoy with dulled senses.