You Think I Forgot?

Of course not! For those confused, I did not forget to induct a new member into the Spank Bank. See, what had happened was, I started the lengthy, but quite enjoyable selection process, when other, more immediate concerns surfaced.

First and foremost, finalizing my travel plans to the ATL for DragonCon. I will be off shortly to revel in my own geekery and, hopefully, meet former Spank Bank inductee, Summer Glau.

As you can see, when faced with the decision to either write a new Spank Bank column or meet an actual inductee, the choice is rather easy. I just wish I had some sort of physical trophy to present her in honor of being part of such a prestigious group. Hmm, depending on what that would look like, she may not want it!

But, I digress. The newest inductee will be named next week. In the meantime, Julianne Moore can relish the limelight a little longer. I know I won't mind.

The Spank Bank: Julianne Moore

I don't usually post on a Sunday, but I've committed to inducting a new member into the Spank Bank at the start of every month, so here we are. Aside from having the distinction of being August's deposit, this actress will also be the highlight of the LAMB Acting School 101 this month.

There are a lot of things that makes this special lady friend, well, special. I am most proud she is a fellow North Carolinian (represent!). She was born at Fort Bragg in Fayetteville, affectionately known as Fayette-nam. It's not clear how long she lived in the state, but her career is proof positive that goodness grows in NC. I do know she broke into the acting business in the early 80s, but it wasn't until the late 90s that she started receiving mad props.

Today, and throughout the month, let us show our appreciation for August's Spank Bank inductee:

Julianne Moore

The First Time My Eyes Met: Technically, The Hand That Rocks the Cradle would have been the first movie I ever saw her in, but I don't think I was old enough to appreciate the talent before my eyes. Still, I find it funny her role as Marlene Craven was just a supporting one, yet she's the only actress from the film whose career is still going strong.

She Had Me At ‘Hello’: Jump forward three years to Assassins, and Julianne captures your attention as Electra, the computer hacker with the fetching green eyes. She may have gotten lost in Stallone's shadow, but who could forget those pigtails?

Sexiest Movie: Ms. Moore has had quite a number of sexy roles over her career, but Dr. Catherine Stewart is on a whole different level. If you haven't seen Chloe, stop reading now, rent it, watch it and once you've cooled down, you can come back and finish this post.


Let’s Never Speak Of This Again: For a long time, I was upset Julianne was associated with the Psycho remake. Then, Freedomland came along. Psycho wasn't bad, just wholly unnecessary, but even her great performance as Brenda Martin isn't reason enough to watch this mess.

It Brings A Smile To My Face: Yes, yes the little Lebowski supporting role and proud we are of all your scenes. The number of times I have quoted Maude is incalculable, Also unforgettable is her ten-pin Valkyrie getup (pigtails, again). Another role that proves Ms. Moore is a good actress, and thorough.

My Biggest Regret: Back in 2003, Ms. Moore was doubly-snubbed for an Oscar by the Academy. I've seen Far From Heaven, but after costar Nicole Kidman nabbed Best Actress, I vowed to never watch The Hours. I now regret that decision because no one should deprive themselves of Julianne Moore's performance.

Her Winning Feature: Duh, she's a redhead! Whether it's long and luxurious, frayed and frizzy, rolled into a bun, or Heaven help us, in pigtails; her ginger locks draw us in like a moth to a flame.

If I Could Walk In His Shoes: I'd have to step into the platform shoes and bell bottom jeans of Eddie Adams, a.k.a. Dirk Diggler, from Boogie Nights. Coitus with a pornstar in a room full of onlookers might be awkward, but having Amber Waves whisper to cum inside her would have to be a serious ego boost.

Most Anticipated Upcoming Project: Ms. Moore currently has five upcoming projects, but Crazy, Stupid, Love is the only one with any details at IMDb. Moore's presence is enough to pique my interest, but casting of other reliable actors such as Steve Carell, Marisa Tomei and Ryan Gosling has me wondering when can I buy my ticket.


My Dream Of Working With The Fantabulous Ms. Moore: Honestly, I don't have a specific dream I associate with Julianne Moore. All I know is that I would love to have a hand in the movie that wins her the Oscar she sorely deserves. Even better, produce two films in one year where she could win both the Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress Oscars. How would the Academy like dem apples?

The major role should be the biopic of Margaret Sanger. Julianne could capture the fervor and overcome any controversy that might be generated from the champion of birth control. Julianne could be cast as one of Ted Kennedy's wives for the supporting role. She'd probably have no more than five minutes of screen time, but she'd blow away critics and the competition.

She blew Jack Donaghy's mind and she was only giving it 50%. If Julianne were to be riding a career-defining, double-winning high, I doubt I would survive the hurricane of celebratory ecstasy Julianne would unleash.

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The Spank Bank: Paul Rudd

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The Spank Bank: Sanaa Lathan

In overwhelming numbers, you asked for it, and now it's back! The coveted Spank Bank column has returned after a nearly one-year hiatus! Why this feature fell through the cracks for so long I cannot say for certain, but I am glad you stargazers have given me permission to spank out new inductees until I'm silly!

With the resurgence of the Spank Bank comes one new adjustment to the feature; from here on out, inductees will be named monthly. In theory, this will keep both you and I in fresh, spankable material on the regular. Time to stop flapping my gums about format so we can all start drooling.

To describe my latest inductee in a single word: charm. This special lady has been working in film and television for fourteen years. I hope you've seen her at least once. It'd be a crying shame if you haven't. Her name, a Swahili word meaning 'work of art,' is a fitting representation of this talented, beautiful and woefully under-appreciated actress.

Join with me in showing our appreciation for Spank Bank inductee:

Sanaa Lathan

The First Time My Eyes Met: I watched both Moesha and In the House back in the day, so it's possible I glimpsed Sanaa in some of her earliest work. The most definable first impression is looking into her pain-riddled eyes as she reaches for her newborn son, Eric. As Vanessa Brooks, mother of Blade, I was amped to see her return as sexy Vamped Out Vanessa complete with weave-tastic curls.

She Had Me At ‘Hello’: There's no denying that mutha fuckin' Nia Long is as sexy as she wants to be, but Harper had it right in The Best Man. Why go out for steak when you got Kobe beef at home?

Sexiest Movie Moment: A whole lotta sexy can cover up a little bit of crazy. In Out of Time, Denzel wasn't sweating from the heat of those Florida summer nights; Sanaa's character, Anne Merai Harrison, had his blood boiling.


Let’s Never Speak Of This Again: I have yet to see a film where I have been disappointed by Ms. Lathan's performance. That said, I was none too pleased that her role in Powder Blue was nothing more than three tiny, tiny, tiny scenes as Charlie's late wife. Beautiful as an angel? Yes, but shame on the movie for not having a meatier role for her.

It Brings A Smile To My Face: Watching Monica Wright struggle to prove she got game and can still rock a prom dress. Love & Basketball follows the relationship of ballers Monica and Quincy from childhood to the pros in this realistic romance. Sanaa's portrayal of the hot-headed tomboy remains my favorite performance.

My Biggest Regret: Never seeing Catfish in Black Bean Sauce. I vaguely know the plot concerns Vietnamese siblings who meet their birth mother after being raised by an African-American family. Given Sanaa's track record, I expect it's worth checking out.

Her Winning Feature: Those dimples. Whether she's steeling herself for certain death in AVP or unleashing her anger on a frustrating lover in Disappearing Acts, no one stands a chance once they square off against that lovely face.

If I Could Walk In His Shoes: I'd have to swap places with Brian Kelly in Something New. I am confident I could take excellent care of Kenya McQueen's lady garden.

Most Anticipated Upcoming Project: Sadly, her upcoming projects slate is looking slim with only Macbett and The Middle of Nowhere on the horizon. Seeing Sanaa in anything that puts her front and center of the screen would be appreciated.

My Dream Of Working With The Enticing Ms. Lathan: With such a versatile actress, there are oh-so-many possibilities. The best way to make them all come true? I'd be the great and powerful Oz of casting directors. With a nod of my massive floating head, I'd dub Sanaa Lathan Queen of the Casting Couch, granting her leading roles in sci-fi, drama, action, comedy, horror, romance movies. Roles repeatedly given to the likes of the Aniston-Hudson-Alba-Garner-Fox's of the acting world would be hers to rule. The box office registers ring in harmonious unison as time and again her performances bring in the bank. Sanaa and I would even agree on a nice side-indie project to set her up for the inevitable Oscar. All this she'd accomplish without even the need for a "ride" on the casting couch. But if she wanted to show her appreciation, she'd be more than welcome to pull back this mighty wizard's curtain.

The Spank Bank: Christian Bale

I can't believe it, stargazers, but no one has been inducted into my prestigous Spank Bank since before my surgery, nearly nine months ago! There are many worthy applicants, including Caitlin's Hot Old Man for June. However, before I can even consider his qualifications, I need to honor someone's who's been a long time coming.

And there's no better time than today for his induction. Why, you may ask? Today marks the exact midpoint between the opening of his two big summer films. I have made myself and this post the meat of a sexy sandwich. With Terminator Salvation twenty-one days behind us and Public Enemies just twenty-one days beyond, get ready to slap the bacon and spread the mayo on this Christian Bale Club.

Reel Whore officially presents Spank Bank inductee:

Christian Bale

The First Time My Eyes Met: Samuel L. Jackson's Shaft was the first time I saw that beguiling grin. He portrayed such a Grade A prick in this that I couldn't really garner him much love.

He Had Me At ‘Hello’: I don't know if I should thank my sister or my own good judgment, but renting American Psycho was one of the best times of 2000. Patrick Bateman might have been off his rocker, but damn if he wasn't one fine hunk of man flesh.

Follow to live action hunkiness!

Sexiest Movie Moment: Bale's portrayal of Bruce Wayne is as sexy as it gets. For you casual fans, Bruce Wayne is the slightly obnoxious, seemingly stupid buffoon who has women and money dripping from him like sweat from his balls. Ahhhh, skeet skeet skeet!

Let’s Never Speak Of This Again: Since I've never seen him give a bad performance, this was a tough decision. As Trevor Reznik in The Machinist, Bale went from a hunky 180 pounds to a sickly 120. Kudos for going the distance and giving an excellent performance, but let's not ever, ever put either of us through that horror again.

It Brings A Smile To My Face: I've got to go back to American Psycho and Bateman's self-indulgent menage set to Phil Collins' Sussudio. I'm usually grinning from ear to ear when I see him brandishing the guns, but the wink and point gets me every time.

My Biggest Regret: Take a deep breath. I'm certain you'll want to gasp appropriately in shock when I say I've never seen Newsies. Done? My sister's favorite flick and I'm still so lame as to have missed it. My excuse was that I hated musicals, but we all know better.

His Winning Feature: I know this will sound weird, especially after his little outburst on the set of Terminator Salvation, but it's his strength of character. Whether he's deathly thin or buff and bulging he still draws you into his character. It's more than his smile or his chiseled features; it's his sheer projection.

If I Could Walk In Her Shoes: I'd switch places with Rebecca Hall in The Prestige. I'd love to discover exactly what Alfred Borden could make disappear in a private show.

Most Anticipated Upcoming Project: I believe I blew my load a little earlier on this one, but watching Bale square off against Johnny Depp in Michael Mann's Public Enemies seems like the perfect way to spend a summer afternoon. The screen will literally ooze charisma every time this plays.

My Dream Of Working With The Charismatic Mr. Bale: The story possibilities are endless with an actor like Bale committed to the performance. He'd be so intense I'd imagine I'd be too intimidated to even properly direct the man. He'd recognize my nervousness and we'd hit the town to calm my nerves. As we become fast friends, the ladies would stop and stare and fraternize. Bale, irritated by the fawning, would set them straight by chiding "Get off us, ladies, stop tugging at our silk drawers." Do they stop? I'll never tell.

The Spank Bank: Jennifer Tilly

It has been a while since I have inducted someone into this prestigious category. It does not mean there is no one providing 'spankable' material, just that lack of time has prevented me from recognizing them.

This special lady was actually my inspiration for this column. It's a shame that even though she was probably one of the first celebrities to jump start my sex drive, she is only now receiving her place of honor. Like a fine wine, I wanted her induction to be aged to perfection for consumption by the masses. Today, this lovely lady turns fifty! That makes her nearly two decades my senior, but to me she is still fab-u-lous! I feen for her as much now as the first time I saw her. Without further ado, I present Spank Bank inductee:

Jennifer Tilly

The First Time My Eyes Met: Though it was better than fifteen years ago, all those curves squeezed into a red dress in Let it Ride are still clearly etched in my mind. I'm thinking my adolescent hormones picked this VHS off the shelf for her back cover image more so than any loyalty to Richard Dreyfuss.

She Had Me At ‘Hello’: Let it Ride may have fired my teen hormones but it was her recurring role on the little remembered and short-lived show Key West that solidified my Tilly crush. Every week of its thirteen episode run, I tuned in and waited anxiously for Ms. Tilly to appear. Don't get me wrong; Fisher Stevens and T.C. Carson are cool, but Tilly kept me, and evidently, only me, coming back for more.

Sexiest Movie Moment: No contest! The seductive Violet, wife of mobster and lover to the 90's favorite lesbian Gina Gershon in the Wachowski siblings' film Bound.


Let’s Never Speak Of This Again: Jennifer's had, let us say, a varied career. My choice here is actually for a film I never saw. I did see the commercials a lot, though. Her role as Madame Leota in Eddie Murphy's Haunted Mansion. She was hired to play a talking head in a crystal ball. YOU DON'T HIRE JENNIFER TILLY TO PLAY A HEAD! Dayum, at least her doll-sized replica, Tiffany, in Bride and Seed of Chucky was hot.

It Brings A Smile To My Face: Just thinking back to her cutthroat character Samantha Cole in Liar Liar. It's amazing how she's tapped to play the gamut of ditsy dames to tough-as-nails chicas. Plus, I liked her platinum-hued butch 'do.

My Biggest Regret: I only recently discovered my appreciation for Woody Allen. Maybe if I had followed Jennifer's career more closely in high school I would have seen Bullets Over Broadway by now. What's even more shameful is it's her one Oscar-nominated performance. I got to get on that...

Her Winning Feature: Anyone who knows Jennifer Tilly knows exactly what she's known for:

A-hem! While she is both curvaceous and boobalicious, I love her voice the best. Thanks to her breathy seductive tone, Jennifer can turn reading a grocery list into the most erotic monologue.

If I Could Walk In Her Shoes: There is her role in Embrace of the Vampire, which could include some erotic face time with Alyssa Milano, but I got to go with Bound once again. I think I'd be perfectly satisfied to be used and abused at the whim of Jennifer like Gina was.

Most Anticipated Upcoming Project: Lately, she splits her time between poker tournaments and films, leaving her upcoming project list rather slim. My choice, however, would be to see her in Renaissance Girl. Medieval costumes and Tilly seem like a perfect pair, um, pairing.

My Dream Of Working With The Enticing Ms. Tilly: She's proven herself in both television and film, playing it straight or gay, vapid or calculating, funny or horrific. Choosing the perfect project is no simple task. I'd love to approach Jennifer with the idea of crafting a mockumentary chronicling her rise to celebrity, her eclectic body of work and her recent success as a champion poker player. Before I knew it, my pitch would lead to a friendly game of cards. Between her seductive stares and mad skills, I'd quickly find myself penniless, shirtless and at the mercy of this fine female. If those are the cards life dealt me, I'd call and raise.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNIFER TILLY!

The Spank Bank: Rosario Dawson

Fresh off my 100^th post, I decided to revisit my infrequent feature, The Spank Bank. The third deposit goes to a special lady who got the second-highest number of readers’ votes in my last poll.

This inductee has been a personal favorite of mine for a long time (just ask my wife). She also has the distinction of being the only inductee I have had the pleasure of meeting. Many know her as an actress, thanks to her extensive and varied body of work over the last thirteen years, but she’s recently donned her producer’s hat. This vibrant lady has ambitions to not only continue producing projects, but move into directing as well.

One last note: her induction also coincides with her 29^th birthday. Let’s all raise our voices high and wish my newest Spank Bank inductee a very Happy Birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
ROSARIO DAWSON!

The First Time My Eyes Met: I remember this moment like it was yesterday, and not just because it recently played on Encore. Rosario first came to my attention in Spike Lee’s He Got Game as Jesus’s girlfriend, Lala. Ooh, Lala. It was a tiny role but it made a huge impression. She was the perfect combination of sexy and sassy that would become her trademark.


She had me at ‘Hello’: In a severely underwritten, and dare I say, token role, Ms. Dawson portrayed Valerie Brown in Josie & the Pussycats. She may have been in the shadows then, but who’s playing lead now?!



Sexiest Movie Moment: I don’t think she’s ever not been sexy. The Rundown and Sin City come to mind immediately, but her standout moment is as Naturelle in 25^th Hour. There’s a sparkly little silver number that she wears out to the club, and the entire moment was shot as if the camera was lusting over her.


Let’s Never Speak of This Again: This is a tough one. I lost weeks off my life suffering through Alexander just because she was in it. Her character was nearly nonexistent, and the nude scene was so spastic and bizarre it was intolerable. Well, almost. I still got a glimpse of her FINE body.

However, at the screening of her first production, Rosario bashed The Adventures of Pluto Nash as her worst film. Given that we can at least enjoy her sexual ferocity for 0.5 seconds in Alexander, I’ll have to side with her. That Eddie Murphy film didn’t do her, or its audience, any favors.


It Brings a Smile to My Face: Her first production, Descent. It wasn’t the absolute best film I’ve ever seen, but it was the first film where Rosario had the starring role. She wasn’t the girlfriend or one of a dozen characters in an ensemble. The whole film relies on her conveying a tumultuous range of emotions, and in that respect, it’s an amazing success.


My Biggest Regret: I’ve seen most of the films where she has more than two lines so there is little left from which to choose. I’d have to say A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints ranks the top spot. It’s got a great cast, aside from the obvious.


Her Winning Feature: This is a highly disputed area. When we met Rosario, my wife commented that she has perfect skin. I agree, but is it her best feature? I pored through my mental Rolodex and came across a disturbing trend. Rosario’s last three films, Clerks II, Grindhouse and Descent, all featured men adoring her feet (toenail painting, licking and sucking, respectively). Granted, it ain’t Hammertime in her shoes, but really? Her feet?!

Her body (feet included) is banging, but for me it’s her face. It always appears luminescent. Her large eyes and wide grin can be joyous and inviting one moment, and then with an arch of an eyebrow and a curl of the lip she looks ready to devour you alive. Come and get it!

(Loving and Fun...)

(Lusty and Wild!)

If I could walk in his shoes: This could have gone many ways. There was the tough-as-nails Gail from Sin City, the sexy Naturelle of 25^th Hour, and the list continues. After much debate, I’d have to tell Brian O’Halloran, a.k.a Dante of Clerks II, to take a hike. I don’t think it would’ve taken me nearly as much time to dump the fiancé, paint some toenails and start making raunchy ass-to-mouth sex talk with Rosario’s scrumptious and funny Becky.



Most Anticipated Upcoming Project: Explicit Ills, Eagle Eye, Seven Pounds, Poor Things, and of course, Sin City 2 are all at the top of my viewing queue. The upcoming project I’m most excited for is Killshot. Supposedly, this thriller was released in April. It’s not in my neighborhood but you’ll hear my screams of joy when it arrives.


My Dream of Working with the lovely Ms. Dawson: If this ain’t a dream, I don’t know what is. One day in the not so distant future, Warner Brothers and DC Comics decides to pull their thumbs from their asses and start making more than a single superhero film every other year. I’ve helped my new writing buddy Joss work out the rough edges to his script, and now I’ve been tapped to direct Rosario Dawson in the title role of Wonder Woman. That’s right, Rosario Dawson as the Amazonian Princess. She’s smoking hot, exotically beautiful and she’s proven more than once that she can be compassionate, diplomatic or kick your ass, if needed. She’s killer in a pair of high-heel boots and I believe the golden brassiere would runneth over.

Wonder Woman is a great symbol of empowerment for women, making her worthy of Rosario’s personal passions, but it’s also pure blockbuster material. And who knows, if the film is a success Rosario and I might have to put the golden lasso to good use. Not that I’m into bondage – but for her I’d be willing.


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I barely mentioned many of her roles, especially her more action-oriented films. Rosario is truly a woman of many talents, her comic book property, O.C.T. Occult Crimes Taskforce, included. If all you know about her are the more popular films, you’ve got to expand your knowledge, people!

The Spank Bank: Summer Glau

Thanks again to all you stargazers who voted in the poll that decided the subject of this post. I love watching movies but I especially love watching television and films featuring certain charismatic women and men. Everyone has those special actors or actresses that draw them to a movie. Hell, I'd go see Scary Movie XVII if my flagship Spank Bank'r Matt Damon was starring but we've been there.

The second inductee of the Spank Bank doesn't have quite the extensive portfolio as her predecessor but that doesn't mean she is any less deserving. On the contrary, I feel this young woman hasn't gotten enough attention. I hope my post only furthers her career and, if it does, she remembers me fondly. My newest Spank Bank inductee is the one and only:

SUMMER GLAU

The First Time My Eyes Met: Third season of the television show Angel in the episode "Waiting in the Wings." Summer played the Prima Ballerina. Sure, a minor role, but those who know me know I am a sucker for a talented dancer (she used to be a prima ballerina). I didn't know I could be down with ballet until she pirouetted into my life.

She had me at ‘Hello’: As River Tam in the shamefully short-lived TV series Firefly and the follow-up feature Serenity, Summer proved she could be delicate, deadly and bizarre. I was smitten within minutes of River's awakening from the box. It also helps that River was given the chance to do things like this:

and this:


Sexiest Movie/TV Moment: Playing the cyborg Cameron Phillips on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles takes her game to a whole new level. You'd think playing an emotionless hunk of metal would leave viewers cold but damn if she ain't hot doing it! I already have many favorite moments but the best goes somewhat as follows:

Sarah's ex-lover Charley storms out of the garage after talking with Cameron. Sarah enters and asks what just happened.

Cameron matter-of-factly replies, "I freak him the hell out."
Sarah responds, "I bet you do."

Oh boy does she, and trust me, its in all the good ways.

Let’s Never Speak of This Again: Some people would look at Summer's limited career and probably think that the Sci-Fi television movie Mammoth and the ABC Family remake of the Initiation of Sarah are things she'd like to forget. As someone who's seen both of these, I'd have to say she has nothing to be ashamed of thus far. Sure Mammoth was cheesy but damn it was funny. In Sarah she was absolutely scrumptious in a cast full of yum-o! Here's to more quality roles!

It Brings a Smile to My Face: Whenever a role has her smiling or laughing. Summer is a champ at playing...peculiar characters; characters who typically do not have reason to laugh or be happy. For me it's quite refreshing to see moments that pep her up.

My Biggest Regret: Seeing as how I've only missed three of her guest TV spots and one minor film role, my choices are slim. Still, having not seen the episodes on The Unit in which she portrayed Crystal Burns is my biggest regret. I don't really know anything about the show except that Dennis "Cerrano" Haysbert stars. But this is reason enough to kick myself for missing out:

Her Winning Feature: Tough decision. I love her dazzling smile and I'm putty for cute, pouty lips so you'd think it'd be a no-brainer. However, they come in second to her legs. Whether she's playing an emotionless cyborg or an emotionally scarred killing vixen, it's the way she moves that truly mesmerizes me. The combo of dancer skills and sexy gams are my kryptonite.

If I could walk in his shoes: I'd have to replace Adam Baldwin in Serenity. The moment would be from the video above around the 1:13 mark. I by no means have a pain fetish, but I think I could enjoy it if she were in charge.

Most Anticipated Upcoming Project: I must confess. I was only mildly interested in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles when I first heard about it. Then I saw the comic book ad with Summer. I had to tune in. While there's no legit buzz on her upcoming projects, here's hoping the show is picked up for a full season so I can enjoy her weekly.

There is a rumor that Joss Whedon is developing a ballet movie called The Serving Girl where Summer would be the star. Hey, Joss let me know if you need help getting this project going.

My Dream of Working with the lovely Summer: I can see it now, I'm lounging on a plush leather couch, the only illumination in the room comes from my laptop screen and the glow of the fire. Summer enters, gracefully gliding across the room to sit beside me. We have been brought together by our mutual friend Joss to work out a few of the finer details on her first starring role in one of her dream pics, a western. To make sure we don't get too, um, stiff on the couch, she gets me up to stretch. Before I know it, she's teaching me to tango. We dance, we talk of plots for a romance vehicle for her, there is electricity in the air. Then, as if in the Chronicles or Firefly, there's this discordant ringing filling our head, drowning out the music.

Damn, it's my alarm. I hit snooze and head back to the couch...

Ahh, now where were we?

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P.S.- Summer if you're reading this, I love me some westerns and would totally develop an idea that would help you expand your range and avoid a lifetime of type-casting. Seriously, call me.

Spank Bank: The Grand Opening

I’ve been toying with the notion of adding this feature, and given this week’s news, decided to start now. This new (occasional) addition for the Reel Whore is intended to help you see some of my favorite actors and actresses through my tinted lens. Let's put those hands together for my first deposit:

MATT DAMON
The People’s Sexiest Man Alive

The man once best known as the heterosexual lifemate to Ben Affleck is now being touted as a bankable Hollywood commodity, but some of us recognized his value before 2007. I can’t attest to having seen every inch of reel emblazoned with his image, but of his forty IMDB listed TV and film projects released to date, I can claim to have consumed two dozen of them. Join me as I walk down memory lane.

The First Time My Eyes Met: “Good Will Hunting” (I’d say it was “Mystic Pizza”, but I’d have to admit to watching that film, and I don’t know if I’m ready to take that step. I've said too much already.)

He had me at ‘Hello’: As Loki in “Dogma” Damon projected a healthy mix of blasphemy, brutality, and hilarity. I knew the boy was destined for greatness.

“Whose house? Run's house! I said, whose house? Run's house!”

Sexiest Movie Moment: The cougar hunt in "Ocean’s Thirteen." The nose plays.

Let’s Never Speak of This Again: “The Brothers Grimm” Neither Damon and all his charms, nor the Damon-Belluci combo was sufficient to make me see this again.

It Brings a Smile to My Face: His cameo as Donny in “Eurotrip.” Totally unexpected, yet surprisingly sexy. After all what Scotty doesn't know!

My Biggest Regret: Having still not seen Damon opposite Ed Norton in "Rounders." I need a good rainy day to stretch out with this one.

His Winning Feature: There’s that big grin, his genuine happy nature, and nice bod…let’s just say I like the cut of his jib.

If I could walk in her shoes: I’d take the place of Franka Potente in “Bourne Identity.” Just the thought of Damon showing up to ride my scooter…

Most Anticipated Upcoming Project: The upcoming Clint Eastwood project “The Human Factor.” The pairing of these great men will be a sight to behold.

My Dream of Working with Big D: I can see it now, the two of us seated at a huge oak desk pouring over line after line of dialogue of our latest soon-to-be-award-winning screenplay. We joke, we laugh, but the spark never ignites because Affleck’s constant dick ridin’ kills the mood.

(For the “Boondocks”-impaired, dick ridin’ refers to one person doing some hardcore sucking up to another)

I think it’s time we leave Damon to bask in his Sexiest Man Alive title now. He’s come a long way…

A long way indeed.