Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Spank Bank: Christian Bale

I can't believe it, stargazers, but no one has been inducted into my prestigous Spank Bank since before my surgery, nearly nine months ago! There are many worthy applicants, including Caitlin's Hot Old Man for June. However, before I can even consider his qualifications, I need to honor someone's who's been a long time coming.

And there's no better time than today for his induction. Why, you may ask? Today marks the exact midpoint between the opening of his two big summer films. I have made myself and this post the meat of a sexy sandwich. With Terminator Salvation twenty-one days behind us and Public Enemies just twenty-one days beyond, get ready to slap the bacon and spread the mayo on this Christian Bale Club.

Reel Whore officially presents Spank Bank inductee:

Christian Bale

The First Time My Eyes Met:
Samuel L. Jackson's Shaft was the first time I saw that beguiling grin. He portrayed such a Grade A prick in this that I couldn't really garner him much love.

He Had Me At ‘Hello’: I don't know if I should thank my sister or my own good judgment, but renting American Psycho was one of the best times of 2000. Patrick Bateman might have been off his rocker, but damn if he wasn't one fine hunk of man flesh.

Sexiest Movie Moment: Bale's portrayal of Bruce Wayne is as sexy as it gets. For you casual fans, Bruce Wayne is the slightly obnoxious, seemingly stupid buffoon who has women and money dripping from him like sweat from his balls. Ahhhh, skeet skeet skeet!

Let’s Never Speak Of This Again: Since I've never seen him give a bad performance, this was a tough decision. As Trevor Reznik in The Machinist, Bale went from a hunky 180 pounds to a sickly 120. Kudos for going the distance and giving an excellent performance, but let's not ever, ever put either of us through that horror again.

It Brings A Smile To My Face: I've got to go back to American Psycho and Bateman's self-indulgent menage set to Phil Collins' Sussudio. I'm usually grinning from ear to ear when I see him brandishing the guns, but the wink and point gets me every time.

My Biggest Regret: Take a deep breath. I'm certain you'll want to gasp appropriately in shock when I say I've never seen Newsies. Done? My sister's favorite flick and I'm still so lame as to have missed it. My excuse was that I hated musicals, but we all know better.

His Winning Feature: I know this will sound weird, especially after his little outburst on the set of Terminator Salvation, but it's his strength of character. Whether he's deathly thin or buff and bulging he still draws you into his character. It's more than his smile or his chiseled features; it's his sheer projection.

If I Could Walk In Her Shoes: I'd switch places with Rebecca Hall in The Prestige. I'd love to discover exactly what Alfred Borden could make disappear in a private show.

Most Anticipated Upcoming Project: I believe I blew my load a little earlier on this one, but watching Bale square off against Johnny Depp in Michael Mann's Public Enemies seems like the perfect way to spend a summer afternoon. The screen will literally ooze charisma every time this plays.

My Dream Of Working With The Charismatic Mr. Bale: The story possibilities are endless with an actor like Bale committed to the performance. He'd be so intense I'd imagine I'd be too intimidated to even properly direct the man. He'd recognize my nervousness and we'd hit the town to calm my nerves. As we become fast friends, the ladies would stop and stare and fraternize. Bale, irritated by the fawning, would set them straight by chiding "Get off us, ladies, stop tugging at our silk drawers." Do they stop? I'll never tell.

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