Triple Team'd: A Very, Very UN-Review toYou!

Last week I had the pleasure of getting triple teamed by Rhona Mitra, Elizabeth Banks and Odette Yustman... in the purely cinematical sense. I went to the theater not once, not twice, but three times to gaze upon these ladies in their latest offerings. My satisfaction, however, was not guaranteed.


The Unborn

Release: 01.09.09
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 27 minutes

Group Rental


Stop me if you've heard this one; a creepy old lady, a freaky kid, and a rabbi walk into a bar in Chicago to meet Casey Beldon (Odette Yustman, Cloverfield). They all seek to live in peace but the boat across the river will only carry two at a time. You can't leave the rabbi with the old lady because...well, you get the point. How will Casey resolve this problem while furthering her budding career?

The answer: She can't. Try as she might, all Yustman can hope for is that someone noticed how yummy she looked in every single scene of The Unborn. The story, penned and directed by David S. Goyer (Blade), didn't pop. It was nifty that the tale had a historical tilt, using Nazi experimentation as the basis for unleashing this supernatural curse. But the atmosphere of the story rarely inspired fear or dread. Sure, there was a spanky scene when the conservative Rabbi Sendak (Gary Oldman, Hannibal) flipped his yarmulke when confronted by evil spirits, but those moments were drastically outnumbered by meandering exposition.

Dirty Undies
Three words may convince some to see this: Odette. Yustman. Cameltoe. It's the best to hope for in this teen-friendly flick. Yustman also shares screentime with Meagan Good (Brick) and Carla Gugino (Watchmen), in her third film of 2009, makes a brief appearance as Casey's late, tore-up mother. The climax erupts into a violent flurry, but being mesmerized by Yustman's cuteness may not ferry you through the agony leading to that point.

The Money Shot
Goyer had a good idea on his hands and assembled some capable talent so I'm not quite sure where it all fell apart. The devil's in the details, and the tedious attention to every facet delivered a stillborn film.


Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans

Release: 01.23.09
Rated R
1 hour, 32 minutes

Matinee


In the third installment of the Underworld series, what was legend now becomes truth. Lucian (Michael Sheen, The Queen), the first in a lineage of evolved werewollves, is favorite slave to head vampire Viktor (Bill Nighy, Hot Fuzz). He's also a favorite of Viktor's daughter Sonja (Rhona Mitra, Doomsday). Lucian fathers a line of werewolf slaves, toils every day as a blacksmith, and spends his nights with Sonja "fixing her cable." A man can be stretched only so far before he snaps.

Rise of the Lycans is full of forbidden love, betrayal and violence. If you've seen the prior two films there are some nice character connections across the stories. However, having seen the first two films makes Rise feel rather dull. Knowing the story foretold, I found myself waiting for certain moments to occur and grew increasingly impatient when little was happening. Luckily, watching Nighy portray Viktor as King Douche kept my antsiness in check. Nighy was a blast in every scene; every ounce a grade-A dick.

Dirty Undies
It's hard to believe Sheen is the same wimpy guy from all those other films considering he's pretty hunky as the inspiring Lucian. He steals the show from Mitra who is essentially a minor character by comparison. They both get into some good tussles, ripping their opponents to shreds and splattering blood for miles. The film is full of the satisfying crunch and thud of sword and arrows against flesh and bone.

The Money Shot
Lucian has some great transformations, but I wish the primitive werewolf effects didn't look so weak. In retrospect, they should have told the trilogy in order. Then again, maybe it's better to end on a high note.


The Uninvited

Release: 01.30.09
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 27 minutes

Matinee


Anna (Emily Browning, Ghost Ship) is released from the mental institution and returns home to her father Steven (David Strathairn, Blue Car), her sister Alex (Arielle Kebbel, Grudge 2) and her new stepmother Rachael (Elizabeth Banks, Role Models). Oh yeah, her dead mom's ghost is still lurking around their coastal home, nudging at forgotten memories of the night she died and how then-nurse Rachael was a party to the incident. Anna, with help from her sister, slowly begins to piece together that fateful night's events.

I admit, due to a showtime snafu, I missed the first five minutes of The Uninvited, but unless they pulled a Lester Burnham on me, I doubt I missed anything crucial. That said, what I did see was a solid piece of filmmaking. It helps that it is an Americanized version of the great Korean horror flick, A Tale of Two Sisters. I'd still recommend watching the original work, but if you're not big on subtitles The Uninvited does a respectable job. The story is kept tight and tense. The runtime is significantly less than the original but the film doesn't feel rushed.

Dirty Undies
Elizabeth Banks finds herself in some sexual situations, but nothing as graphic as Zack and Miri territory. The mom ghost and some other apparitions are pretty creepy. There's also gallons of blood, though it lacks the sickening punch of watching wounds being inflicted.

The Money Shot
I didn't really understand why pops came off so distant towards Anna. Maybe he was just worn out from entertaining his young mistress until the wee hours of the morning, maybe not. I invite you to go check this out and explain it to me.