I committed to watching all eleven of the major releases I trashed back in March. Out of those eleven, one was bumped into April, leaving ten. Of those ten, I saw six. I would've seen more, but I went temporarily blind from viewing Miss March and have just recently recovered.
April brings twelve major releases but judging from what the trailers have shown, I will make no such commitments to see them all. This month's selections are a mish-mash of ripped-0ff ideas. That's why I've taken the liberty to rename every release Reel Whore style.
I present to you IMDB's April releases, ranked from worst to best for your reading enjoyment:
Exercise the Right To Cinematic Celibacy.
Obsessed (04.24) Sasha Fierce has realized the only way she'll keep her non-acting ass in movies is to produce them. The only way to keep audiences in theaters is to produce good films. Since Bey's acting and good film are rarely one and the same, I'll pass.Reel's Title: Dreamgirls 2: The Hand that Bribes the Academy
"This weave is like fiya!"Earth (04.22) James Earl Jones narrates this documentary focusing on three animal families in peril. Recycling is chic, but rebranding a portion of the Planet Earth television series for the big screen for bigger bucks has left Gaia weeping.
Reel's Title: Earth: This Shit is Free on TV!
Hannah Montana: The Movie (04.10) Ever notice how much Miley Cyrus has grown to resemble her father Billy Ray? That's not a compliment. Nothing against the teen queen, but I can't help but hum "girl, you'll be a man soon" every time I see this trailer.
Reel's Title: Best of Both Worlds 2: She's the Man!
Fast & Furious (04.03) I never caught the VD fever. I've lost count of how many of his films land on the DVD rack, never seeing a theater reel. This clunker should have tread a similar path. Only way I'd enjoy this is if M-Rod rode me like a muscle car while this played in the background.
Reel's Title: Fast & Furious 4: Boosting Our "Car"eers
It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.
17 Again (04.17) 1988 really squeezed every last ounce of blood from this plot turnip. Still, casting Thomas Lennon, Leslie Mann and Michelle "The Trach" Trachtenberg gives me an inkling of hope this won't entirely suck.Reel's Title: Big 2: The UnBiggening
Dragonball: Evolution (04.10) I really want this to be awesome, but some weird wirework scenes and an uncharacteristically douchey Goku give me pause. I'll still check it out, if only to support James Marsters... and to drool over Reaper's Eriko.
Reel's Title: Dragonball: Devolution
Fighting (04.24) Terrence Howard is no Harrison Page, but he's got the street-wise hustler shtick down. Would it have been too difficult to get JCVD to make a cameo in this? It's the least the writers could do since they blatantly plagiarize his original idea. Now, watching him beat their asses? I'd pay to see that.
Reel's Title: Lionheart 2: The Heart of a Lion Ultimate Fighting Edition
Observe and Report (04.10) There was a time when you'd say "Oh, Ray Liotta is in this!" Nowadays it's more like, "Oh, Ray Liotta is in this..." But Anna Faris is also in this, which makes this mandatory viewing. With Rogen on board, maybe the trio will churn out something amusing.
Reel's Title: Paul Blart 2: The Foot-Fist Segway
Moist With Antici...Pation!
State of Play (04.17) Feels a lot like a TV procedural (a la Castle or Law & Order) and rightfully so, it being based on a UK series and all. Don't let the Ben Affleck appearance fool you, this has the advantage of Tony Gilroy's award-winning writing performed by many top-shelf actors; incuding Helen Mirren and Russell Crowe.
Reel's Title: Mr. Grisham Goes to Washington
The Soloist (04.24) Jamie Foxx and Robert Downey, Jr. have rarely gone astray in my eyes. Jamie even had the good sense to get killed early on in Stealth. This based-in-truth tale has a great pedigree all around, including supporting stars Catherine Keener and Stephen Root.
Reel's Title: Reign Over My August Rush
Adventureland (04.03) There's a good chance this will be about as much fun as going to the run-down Adventureland, but the supporting cast keeps me exceptionally optimistic. Just so you know, I base my belief firmly in the way, way better redband trailer.
Reel's Title: Caddyshack: Sex under Six Flags
Crank: High Voltage (04.17) Crank creators are hoping lightning will strike twice by revisiting the seemingly-abbreviated life of Chev Chelios. How appropriate that High Voltage's premise mocks that attempt. With a battery-fueled Jason Statham saddled by a gyrating Amy Smart, I've already bought my ticket.
Reel's Title: Crank: Blinked, My Ass!
***
There's nothing I can say that'll top that poster. See you at the movies!
That poster is awesome (as is JS himself). But I shall have to willingly suspend my disbelief bigtime to go see this movie - didn't he die?
ReplyDeleteYep, I thought he died too. But some folks like to point out that he blinked at the end. You'd think falling 5000ft would kill a man, but who am I to argue?
ReplyDeleteOut of all of these films, I have to say that "The Soloist" and "Crank 2: High Voltage" are the ones that interest me the most.
ReplyDeleteThe first flick should be moving and solidly acted. The second should be deliciously, delightfully, ridiculously over-the-top -- the kind of movie you watch somewhere between the third shot of tequila and the first bong rip.
Which movies will suck the most, on the other hand? My money's on "Dragonball," "Fast and Furious" and "Obsessed."
The Soloist is the film I have the most interest in.
ReplyDeleteFast & Furious I have a passing interest in.
Dragonball: Evolution I want to be good as well but it won't be.
When I saw the trailer for Obsessed, I threw up in my mouth a little bit. I would not see that film if they were passing it out free with a gallon of gas!
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to State of Play as well but not to the state of moisture. LOL!
tafari
As long as Crank 2 delivers, I couldn't care less about the rest.
ReplyDeleteAdventureland didn't measure up to my hopes. My review is coming.
Dragonball will probably disappoint, but the nerd in me can't miss it. I'll wait for the cheap seats so I won't feel too let down when I see it.
Soloist won't disappoint.
I promised a friend I'd see F&F despite my disinterest, but we're waiting for the cheap shows.
I can relate with Obsessed! LOL! Free gas may not be a good idea Tafari; the theater may be reduced to cinders before the flick's over. Since I'm a whore, I may still watch this just for comic fodder. Is that wrong?
State of Play should keep us guessing, though if I keep seeing the trailer, I'll have the whole damn thing figured out!
Love the RW-stlyee new titles, especially the one for O & R.
ReplyDeleteHe gon' kill you, Lionheart! They clearly messed up the casting, though, as Channing Tatum looks much more like the bizarro Troy Aikman guy than he does JCVD.
Thanks Fletch! I was wondering how the new titles would go over.
ReplyDeleteTatum really needs a big friggin' knot on his forehead if he wants to follow in JCVD's footsteps. That, and I doubt we'll see him do many mid-air split kicks.