3D: Death, Depravity...and Dismal Technology

My Bloody Valentine 3D

Release: 01.16.09
Rated R
1 hour, 41 minutes

Second Run Seats (New Rating!)


I can't believe I'm admitting this, but this flick is the first 2009 release I saw in theaters...and I paid for it! Usually, my first three or four films of the year are all from free passes, but this year I broke tradition and shilled out for a matinee.. and sprung the extra $2.50 for the RealD glasses. The box-office attendant said the charge was not for the glasses but a "technology surcharge." More on that in a moment.

Years ago in the town of Harmony, a group of miners were trapped in, you guessed it, a mine. One dude, Harry Warden, went batshit loco, plunging his pick into the skulls of his friends like he was milking coconuts. Unconscious when rescued, Warden awakens in the hospital on Valentine's Day and proceeds to murder beaucoup people until supposedly killed in his mine hideout. Ten years pass and the kid responsible for the initial mining accident, Tom Hanniger (Jensen Ackles, TV: Supernatural), has returned to Harmony to sell the mine and put the past behind him...until the murderous Miner returns to kill again.

Back to the RealD experience. A few moments are pretty spanky; a couple of out-of-the-screen images might even make you flinch. Then there's a really cheesy eyeball scene that makes Friday the 13th Part 3-D's eyeball scene look spectacular. When the camera pans real slow, the 3D effects are solid, but once the camera or the subjects gain any momentum, it turns into a migraine-inducing blur.

I did take some time to shift my focus to the more thematic elements. The direction is decent; character establishment and the twisty story progression are strong for this type of B-movie horror concept. The acting is also mostly B-grade with more than a few C- and D-grade performances that are more distracting than supporting. Two shining lights are serial-sheriff actor Tom Atkins (Maniac Cop) and Roadhouse's Tilghman, Kevin Tighe.

Dirty Undies
Valentine excels in graphic excess. A massive maniac miner running around town, planting his pick in about every bodily location imaginable, provides enough blood and gory goodness to satisfy us depraved fans. The overreaching 3D moments rarely do the bloodshed justice; the severed hearts were far more creepy. Valentine only musters a single sex scene but I hope Betsy Rue got some serious cheddar. She spends the bulk of her screentime running around in platforms buck-ass naked.

The Money Shot
Is My Bloody Valentine 3D a great flick? Ha, not by a longshot! It is nasty, cheesy fun. I don't recommend pissing away the extra cash on the marvel that is 3D technology. I am hoping Valentine's problems are due to low budget and that James Cameron's $200 million budget for Avatar will be spooze-worthy (I'm not holding my breath). See it for the gore, but don't expect anything more.