Release: 09.19.08
DVD Release: 01.27.09
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 50 minutes
Second Run Seats
It took me a while longer than anticipated, but here is my review of Lakeview Terrace, which was selected by you stargazers during my January poll. I decided to skip the traditional review and opt instead for an abbreviated script which captures the film's essence. Enjoy.
SCENE - Abel Spies the New Neighbors.
Abel Turner (Samuel L. Jackson, Freedomland), peers into his neighbor's yard. A sexy, petite chocolate drop (Kerry Washington, She Hate Me) is draped in the arms of an older Suga Daddy. A young, strapping white dude (Patrick Wilson, Little Children) carries boxes into the house.Abel: (mutters to himself) I'll Be Damned! My Brother Is Moving On Up!
As Suga Daddy inspects the pool, the 'mover' sneaks a Hershey's kiss from the sweet thing.
Abel: (mutters to himself) I'll Be Damned! My Sister Is Slumming It!
SCENE - Abel and the Mattsons Meet
Chris: Hi, I'm the eco-conscious but shallow husband character, Chris. This is my equally hollow character of a wife, Lisa.Abel: I Thought You Were The Great White Hype, Doing All That Heavy Lifting!
Chris: I do swing some solid pipe, if ya know what I'm saying!
Abel: It's 'You' Not 'Ya.' Speak English!
Chris: What?
Abel: They Speak English In What?!
Lisa: (interrupting) Hello guys. Don't pay me any mind. I'll have less screentime here than in Common's I Want You music video.
SCENE - Abel and Chris Bond.
Chris: Um, Abel, me and the wifey can't get our groove on with your security lights blaring in our window.
Abel: I'm Sorry! Do They Break Your Concentration?!
Chris: Have I done something to upset you? Why are you yelling?
Abel: I Can't Stop Yelling Because That's The Way I Talk!
Chris: Never mind. (walks away.)
Abel: Later, Vanilla Ice!
SCENE - Chris and Lisa Talk.
Chris: Abel doesn't like me. I think he's mad I'm swimming in your chocolate waterfall.
Lisa: My poor boo. Come here, part the seas and give me a baby.
Chris: Not now, honey. I want to install these lights to piss off Abel.
Lisa: How about we turn on the blue light and go half on a baby?
Chris: In a minute. I need to plant hedges to keep Abel out of our business.
Lisa: How about you plant your seed in me? I want a baby!
Chris: I'm stressed. I need to smoke a cigarette and have a drink.
Lisa: But baby? Baby baby, baby baby baby baby.
SCENE - Abel and Chris Share Drinks.
Abel: Hey! White Devil! How The Hell Are You?!
Chris: (rolling eyes) Leave me alone, Abel.
Abel: My Friends Call Me Mr. Glass!
Chris: What?
Abel: I'm Just Rustling Your Cage, Cracker! Have A Drink On Me!
Chris: You are one crazy bastard.
Abel: Correctamundo! I'm A Mushroom-Cloud Laying Mother-------! I Have Had It With Your Mother------- Snake in Her Mother------- Pants!
SCENE - The Mattsons-Abel Confrontation.
Chris: Run, Lisa! He's trying to kill us!Lisa: Huh? What? Am I still in this movie? Why?
Abel: Yes, You're Still In It! You Deserve To Die and I Hope You Burn In Hell!
Chris: Yo Lisa, check it, I got this!
(Lisa runs.)
Abel: I'm Going To Crumble You Like Zestas in Tomato Soup!
Chris: Not if I put a bullet through your skull, you looney eight ball!
Abel: I'm Going To Be On You Like White On Rice!
Chris: Now you're not even making sense.
Abel: They Ate Me. A Freaking Shark Ate Me!
(Patrick Wilson throws hands in the air and walks off set.)
THE END
I'm going out to rent this right now.
ReplyDeleteGreat review. I love all the Sam Jackson-isms thrown in.
ReplyDelete-Jason
@blake: Warning: LvT may not have all the great lines, but Sam will still deliver.
ReplyDelete@Jason: Thanks. I was wondering if I overdid it, but then it wouldn't have sounded like Sam L. if I hadn't overdone it!
LMAO!!
ReplyDeleteDid Sam really get eaten by a shark at the end?
I wish. Now that would've been an ending!
ReplyDeleteI was kidding, btw. I saw that film you were referring to...or was it dolphins? :-)
ReplyDelete@IW- I kinda figured you were joking. My midnight reply session just made my judgment a little fuzzy.
ReplyDelete