Friday, February 27, 2009

A Quickie: Lakeview Terrace

Release: 09.19.08
DVD Release: 01.27.09
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 50 minutes

Second Run Seats

It took me a while longer than anticipated, but here is my review of Lakeview Terrace, which was selected by you stargazers during my January poll. I decided to skip the traditional review and opt instead for an abbreviated script which captures the film's essence. Enjoy.

SCENE - Abel Spies the New Neighbors.

Abel Turner (Samuel L. Jackson, Freedomland), peers into his neighbor's yard. A sexy, petite chocolate drop (Kerry Washington, She Hate Me) is draped in the arms of an older Suga Daddy. A young, strapping white dude (Patrick Wilson, Little Children) carries boxes into the house.

Abel: (mutters to himself) I'll Be Damned! My Brother Is Moving On Up!

As Suga Daddy inspects the pool, the 'mover' sneaks a Hershey's kiss from the sweet thing.

Abel: (mutters to himself) I'll Be Damned! My Sister Is Slumming It!

SCENE - Abel and the Mattsons Meet

Chris: Hi, I'm the eco-conscious but shallow husband character, Chris. This is my equally hollow character of a wife, Lisa.

Abel: I Thought You Were The Great White Hype, Doing All That Heavy Lifting!

Chris: I do swing some solid pipe, if ya know what I'm saying!

Abel: It's 'You' Not 'Ya.' Speak English!

Chris: What?

Abel: They Speak English In What?!

Lisa: (interrupting) Hello guys. Don't pay me any mind. I'll have less screentime here than in Common's I Want You music video.

SCENE - Abel and Chris Bond.

Chris: Um, Abel, me and the wifey can't get our groove on with your security lights blaring in our window.

Abel: I'm Sorry! Do They Break Your Concentration?!

Chris: Have I done something to upset you? Why are you yelling?

Abel: I Can't Stop Yelling Because That's The Way I Talk!

Chris: Never mind. (walks away.)

Abel: Later, Vanilla Ice!

SCENE - Chris and Lisa Talk.

Chris: Abel doesn't like me. I think he's mad I'm swimming in your chocolate waterfall.

Lisa: My poor boo. Come here, part the seas and give me a baby.

Chris: Not now, honey. I want to install these lights to piss off Abel.

Lisa: How about we turn on the blue light and go half on a baby?

Chris: In a minute. I need to plant hedges to keep Abel out of our business.

Lisa: How about you plant your seed in me? I want a baby!

Chris: I'm stressed. I need to smoke a cigarette and have a drink.

Lisa: But baby? Baby baby, baby baby baby baby.

SCENE - Abel and Chris Share Drinks.

Abel: Hey! White Devil! How The Hell Are You?!

Chris: (rolling eyes) Leave me alone, Abel.

Abel: My Friends Call Me Mr. Glass!

Chris: What?

Abel: I'm Just Rustling Your Cage, Cracker! Have A Drink On Me!

Chris: You are one crazy bastard.

Abel: Correctamundo! I'm A Mushroom-Cloud Laying Mothe
r-------! I Have Had It With Your Mother------- Snake in Her Mother------- Pants!

SCENE - The Mattsons-Abel Confrontation.

Chris: Run, Lisa! He's trying to kill us!

Lisa: Huh? What? Am I still in this movie? Why?

Abel: Yes, You're Still In It! You Deserve To Die and I Hope You Burn In Hell!

Chris: Yo Lisa, check it, I got this!

(Lisa runs.)

Abel: I'm Going To Crumble You Like Zestas in Tomato Soup!

Chris: Not if I put a bullet through your skull, you looney eight ball!

Abel: I'm Going To Be On You Like White On Rice!

Chris: Now you're not even making sense.

Abel: They Ate Me. A Freaking Shark Ate Me!

(Patrick Wilson throws hands in the air and walks off set.)


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  1. I'm going out to rent this right now.

  2. Great review. I love all the Sam Jackson-isms thrown in.

  3. @blake: Warning: LvT may not have all the great lines, but Sam will still deliver.

    @Jason: Thanks. I was wondering if I overdid it, but then it wouldn't have sounded like Sam L. if I hadn't overdone it!

  4. LMAO!!

    Did Sam really get eaten by a shark at the end?

  5. I wish. Now that would've been an ending!

  6. I was kidding, btw. I saw that film you were referring to...or was it dolphins? :-)

  7. @IW- I kinda figured you were joking. My midnight reply session just made my judgment a little fuzzy.