Trailer Trash: The February-09 Gang Bang

The lackluster month of January is behind us; all hail the lackluster month that is February! The new releases listed at IMDB are really starting to show the strain of last year's writers' strike. Let's see if there's anything we'd want to touch with our ten-foot poles.

Exercise the Right To Cinematic Celibacy.

Pink Panther 2 (02.06) As Martin-Clouseau says, "Turdburger! Turdburger!" Even he can smell the stink on this one.


Push (02.06) A.k.a., Heroes: The Movie. I quit watching that show cuz it sucked, so no way will I pay to see these yahoos beat this dead plot-horse that is people with powers.

Confessions of a Shopaholic (02.13) Nothing like romanticizing away thousands of dollars in reckless consumer debt while the population at large loses their livelihood. Isla Fisher's breakout, this will not be.

Madea Goes to Jail (02.20) This could be fun fantasy fulfillment for those who'd like to see Tyler Perry incarcerated for his crimes against moviegoers. Then again, your money would go to fund his next abuse so maybe not.

Fired Up (02.20) I haven't seen a good high-school movie starring thirty-somethings in a while. Luckily, this doesn't look like a good high-school movie so it'll save me the disappointment.

Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (02.27) Sorry stargazers, but I couldn't bring myself to watch anything Jonas Brothers, especially 3D JoBros. I'll take your word for how good or bad this is.

It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

Coraline (02.06) I'm up for a good stop-motion film, especially when it looks dark yet whimsical. The RealD 3D leaves me more than a little gun shy.

The International (02.13) The world's largest bank uses its investors' money to kill people. Sounds better than banks taking your money and leaving nothing to show for it. If the bailout doesn't work, maybe Clive Owen can be the backup plan.


Moist With Antici...Pation!

He's Just Not That Into You (02.06) I'm just that into this for three reasons: Ginnifer Goodwin, Justin Long and Scarlett Johansson. Plus, the ensemble casting means Aniston and Affleck can't screw this up too badly.


Fanboys (02.06) This flick's release has been shuffled more times than a deck of cards in Vegas. Even so, the cameo-laden film about Star Wars geeks will be better than suffering through The Phantom Menace again.

Friday the 13th (02.13) Today is his birthday. Rather, re-birthday as Michael Bay & Co. attempt to breath life into the favoritest of slashers series. I'm just excited that he's sporting the flour sack!


Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li (02.27) I was addicted to this game and this character years ago. Hopefully, Kristin Kreuk will redeem her piss-poor Smallville days as Chun Li. It makes my must-see simply because I'm feenin' for some kung fu action.

***

I am being really, really generous with my anticipation, with the exception of Friday the 13th. Let's hope I'll be proven wrong this month. In the meantime, I'll finish catching up on all the Academy-nominated films before the big night.