The Tantric Jizt: Inception

In this fast-paced world of blogging, tweeting and fly-by-night film voyeurism, sometimes one doesn't have the time to give a film proper treatment. More importantly, others do not always have the time to read it. Sometimes you just have to take it around back and squeeze one out in 1-2-3 quick licks.

Think of The Jizt as the wham, bam, thank you ma'am of reviews.


Inception



Release: 07.16.10
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 28 minutes


See It, Take a Friend, Buy the DVD!


Note: In the spirit of Inception, this installment of The Jizt will be multi-layered; a jizt within a jizt within a jizt or, to put it more eloquently, a tantric jizt.

---cue sound effect---

Cast: Ken Watanabe (Batman Begins), Cillian Murphy (Red Eye), Tom Berenger (Training Day)

The Build-up: Desperate to escape his life of subconscious espionage, Cobb accepts an offer from corporate mogul, Saito, to destroy his rival's company using inception.

The Blurt-out: I want to know who ate Tom Berenger and started wearing his skin!

The Jizt: Easily the most inventive premise of 2010, Inception has planted an idea in the minds of studios that will undoubtedly be run into the ground.

"Even though this is a dream, Mr. Fischer, your drink can still be tainted with Jizt."

---cue sound effect---

Cast: Joseph Gordon-Levitt (The Lookout), Tom Hardy (RocknRolla), Dileep Rao (Drag Me To Hell)

The Build-up: Tasked to implant an idea into a person's mind rather than extract one, Cobb and his team construct an elaborate, three-tiered dreamscape to hustle their mark.

The Blurt-out: Arthur never had a cool codename like the Forger or the Chemist, but I dub him the Acrobat because his weightless fighting scenes are awesome!

The Jizt: Watching the succession of kicks that will rouse the extraction team from their chemically-induced slumber is so intense audiences will have bitten their nails down to the quick.

"Dammit, Arthur, how many times do I have to tell you not to leave your Jizt in the car!"

---cue sound effect---

Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio (Shutter Island), Ellen Page (Hard Candy), Marion Cotillard (Big Fish)

The Build-up: The inquisitive new architect, Ariadne, finds herself to be her team's protector when she discovers the manifestation of Cobb's guilt can threaten not only their mission, but also their lives.

The Blurt-out: Although nothing good can come of Mal's appearance in the dreamscape, her anger-fueled determination is so sexy that imagining her is a guilty pleasure.

The Jizt: While the ambiguous nature of the final scene will leave you wondering if the story ends happily or sadly, the more relevant question is did it end at all?

"Cobb, that is one massive amount of pent-up Jizt you got there."

---cue sound effect---

The Jizt: The Lovely Bones

In this fast-paced world of blogging, tweeting and fly-by-night film voyeurism, sometimes one doesn't have the time to give a film proper treatment. More importantly, others do not always have the time to read it. Sometimes you just have to take it around back and squeeze one out in 1-2-3 quick licks.

Think of The Jizt as the wham, bam, thank you ma'am of reviews.

***

The Lovely Bones

Release: 12.11.09 limited (01.15.10 wide)
DVD Release: 04.20.10
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 16 minutes


Read a MuFu'n Book!
(Specifically, the Alice Sebold novel)


Cast: Saoirse Ronan (Atonement), Mark Wahlberg (The Happening), Stanley Tucci (The Core)

The Build-up: After her murder, Susie Salmon peers into the lives of her family, friends and killer from the 'In Between'; a place beyond Earth/her life, but not quite Heaven.

The Blurt-out: I didn't think it possible to Disneyfy the molestation and murder of a fourteen-year-old girl, but the lengthy, CGI dreamscapes turned A Nightmare on Elm Street into Fantasia 3.

The Jizt: Instead of breathing life into The Lovely Bones, director Peter Jackson sucked the soul out of this emotional tale and spat the marrow onto a roll of celluloid.

"I sure hope my daughter can't see me banging out the Jizt through this candle."

Bangin' Out the Jizt:: One-Man Wolf Pack Edition

In this fast-paced world of blogging, tweeting and fly-by-night film voyeurism, sometimes one doesn't have the time to give a film proper treatment. More importantly, others do not always have the time to read it. Sometimes you just have to take it around back and squeeze one out in 1-2-3 quick licks.

Think of The Jizt as the wham, bam, thank you ma'am of reviews.

***

The Ghost Writer


Release: 02.19.10 limited
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 8 minutes


Full Price



Cast: Ewan McGregor (Stay), Pierce Brosnan (The Matador), Olivia Williams (An Education)

The Build-up: Contracted to polish the memoirs of former British Prime Minister Adam Lang, the Ghost becomes fixated on the circumstances surrounding his predecessor's death.

The Blurt-out: I'm not sure Eli Wallach was cast or, by complete coincidence, owned the beach house used on location, but it worked either way.

The Jizt: This tautly directed and excellently performed mystery keeps the cat in the bag and audiences on the edges of their seats until the very end.

"I don't need a ghost writer to help me with the Jizt, so bugger off!"

***

Terribly Happy (Frygtelig lykkelig)


Release: 02.05.10 limited
Rated UR
1 hour, 30 minutes


Full Price



Cast: Jakob Cedergren, Lene Maria Christensen, Kim Bodnia

The Build-up: After marshal Robert Hansen goes a little crazy in Copenhagen, he is relocated to the insular farming town of Skarrild where he appears to be the only sane one.

The Blurt-out: If you've been feening for a movie where folks smack children, commit adultery and play cards on the regular, this should be the must-see event of your year!

The Jizt: The dreariness of the bog pales in comparison to the desperate situations the marshal mires himself in, yet you'll be the one glued to the spot as the story unfolds.

"Just one moment more, sir. I've nearly got the Jizt."

***

Greenberg


Release: 03.26.10 limited
Rated R
1 hour, 47 minutes


Full Price




Cast: Ben Stiller (The Royal Tenenbaums), Greta Gerwig (Baghead), Rhys Ifans (Notting Hill)

The Build-up: Emotionally fragile Roger Greenberg returns to Los Angeles to house-sit for his brother, but secretly hopes to mend the broken connections in his life.

The Blurt-out: Had Greenberg seen Florence in her pre-hospital duds, I wonder if his attraction would have remained as strong.

The Jizt: Look beyond the unlikeable facade of these characters to discover the latest disturbingly funny and emotionally poignant coming-of-age story from the mind of writer-director Noah Baumbach.

"When subjected to the Jizt, I always wear adequate eye protection."

***

Youth in Revolt

Release: 01.08.10
Rated R
1 hour, 30 minutes


Group Rental

Cast: Michael Cera (Paper Heart), Portia Doubleday, Jean Smart (Garden State)

The Build-up: As an outcast in both his family and high school circles, Nick Twisp finds ascension to coolness by following the advice of his lusty, devil-may-care alter ego, Francois Dillinger.

The Blurt-out: I'm fairly certain Zach Galifiankis's brief appearance was because he jumped this shit-ship the moment The Hangover opened at number one at the box office.

The Jizt: It takes some amazingly disjointed filmmaking to effectively neutralize, nay degrade, the movie-redeeming charms of Michael Cera.

"I'm impressed you managed to get the Jizt stuck to your forehead."

The Jizt: Clash of the Titans

In this fast-paced world of blogging, tweeting and fly-by-night film voyeurism, sometimes one doesn't have the time to give a film proper treatment. More importantly, others do not always have the time to read it. Sometimes you just have to take it around back and squeeze one out in 1-2-3 quick licks.

Think of The Jizt as the wham, bam, thank you ma'am of reviews.


Clash of the Titans


Release: 04.02.10
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 46 minutes


Matinee




Cast: Sam Worthington (Avatar), Ralph Fiennes (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire), Gemma Arterton (Quantum of Solace)

The Build-up: Fisherman and bastard son of Zeus, Perseus, is called upon by the people of Argos to stop Hades from unleashing his ultimate wrath upon them; the Kraken.

The Blurt-out: Director Louis Letterier's knack for thrilling action sequences and spanky special effects almost keeps audiences from wondering when Hades's poorly attached scalp piece will detach completely.

The Jizt: Had the salvation of Argos lain not in the physicality of their champion, but in his acting ability, the populace would have been shit out of luck.

"Like we told ya kid, playing with the Jizt will put your eye out!"

.

The Jizt: Alice in Wonderland

In this fast-paced world of blogging, tweeting and fly-by-night film voyeurism, sometimes one doesn't have the time to give a film proper treatment. More importantly, others do not always have the time to read it. Sometimes you just have to take it around back and squeeze one out in 1-2-3 quick licks.

Think of The Jizt as the wham, bam, thank you ma'am of reviews.


Alice in Wonderland

Release: 03.05.10
Rated PG
1 hour, 48 minutes


Second Run Seats




Cast: Mia Wasikowska (Defiance), Johnny Depp (Edward Scissorhands), Helena Bonham Carter (Big Fish)

The Build-up: As Alice runs away from a destiny of tedium, she tumbles into the bland Wonderland, and into her destiny to end the reign of the mean Red Queen.

The Blurt-out: Director Tim Burton applies great voice casting, mostly great CGI, and some bits of great acting to the beloved tales of Lewis Carroll to create the laziest, most uninspired project of his career.

The Jizt: Like a raven and a writing desk, Burton's Alice in Wonderland can also produce a few notes, though they are very, very flat.

"Here Alice. A spoonful of Jizt is what every growing girl needs."

The Jizt: Away We Go

In this fast-paced world of blogging, tweeting and fly-by-night film voyeurism, sometimes one doesn't have the time to give a film proper treatment. More importantly, others do not always have the time to read it. Sometimes you just have to take it around back and squeeze one out in 1-2-3 quick licks.
Think of The Jizt as the wham, bam, thank you ma'am of reviews.



Away We Go

Release: 06.05.09
DVD Release: 09.29.09
Rated R
1 hour, 38 minutes


Matinee



Cast: Maya Rudolph (Idiocracy), John Krasinski (Smiley Face), Paul Schneider (Lars and the Real Girl)

The Build-up: Expectant parents Burt and Verona travel the country visiting family and friends in search of the perfect place for their new family to call home.

The Blurt-out: A great movie for armchair travel, yet how this impoverished duo affords their jet setting itinerary remains a mystery.

The Jizt: Curling up with a large mug of marshmallow-topped hot chocolate is the perfect way to evoke the warm fuzzies buried within this awkward, flaky tale.

"...and his Jizt literally enveloped my entire hand!"

The Jizt: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

In this fast-paced world of blogging, tweeting and fly-by-night film voyeurism, sometimes one doesn't have the time to give a film proper treatment. More importantly, others do not always have the time to read it. Sometimes you just have to take it around back and squeeze one out in 1-2-3 quick licks. Think of The Jizt as the wham, bam, thank you ma'am of reviews.



Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Release: 05.01.09
DVD Release: 09.22.09
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 40 minutes


A Netflix Night



Cast: Matthew McConaughey (The Wedding Planner), Jennifer Garner (Catch and Release), Michael Douglas (One Night at McCool's)

The Build-up: Lecherous photographer Connor Mead is forced to re-examine his womanizing ways, A Christmas Carol-style, when he encounters his one true love at his brother's wedding weekend.

The Blurt-out: Why is it that one of the three ghosts visiting Connor is neither a ghost nor a girlfriend past?!

The Jizt: The glittering beauty of the cast may be distracting, but no amount of polish can mask the lingering stench of this turd.

Calm down, Matthew, we're not asking you to choke down THAT much Jizt!

The Jizt: The Soloist

In this fast-paced world of blogging, tweeting and fly-by-night film voyeurism, sometimes one doesn't have the time to give a film proper treatment. More importantly, others do not always have the time to read it. Sometimes you just have to take it around back and squeeze one out in 1-2-3 quick licks. Think of The Jizt as the wham, bam, thank you ma'am of reviews.



The Soloist


Release: 04.24.09
DVD Release: 08.04.09
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 57 minutes


Second Run Seats



Cast: Jamie Foxx (Ray), Robert Downey, Jr. (Zodiac), Catherine Keener (Capote)

The Build-up: LA Times reporter Steve Lopez has been a victim of a selfish kind of love until he meets Nathaniel Ayers, a man with no home and a washed-out dream, and decides he's gonna make a change to this music prodigy's life.

The Blurt-out: When five minutes of celluloid are devoted to a Windows Media Player visualization, it's obvious the director has become self-indulgent.

The Jizt: The highest production values and most brilliant performances I've ever seen for a Sunday-morning charity infomercial.

What's wrong Nathaniel, It's just the littlest bit of Jizt.

The Jizt! Paul Blart: Mall Cop

In this fast-paced world of blogging, tweeting and fly-by-night film voyeurism, sometimes one doesn't have the time to give a film proper treatment. More importantly, others do not always have the time to read it. Sometimes you just have to take it around back and squeeze one out in three quick strokes. Think of The Jizt as the wham, bam, thank you ma'am of reviews.


Paul Blart: Mall Cop

Release: 01.16.09
DVD Release: 05.19.09

Rated PG
1 hour, 31 minutes

Group Rental



Cast: Kevin James (I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry), Keir O'Donnell (The Break-Up) Jayma Mays (Smiley Face)


The Build-up: Mall Cop spins the Die Hard premise so that Reggie Vel Johnson, not Bruce Willis, is trapped with terrorists, and he's going to need a whole lot of Twinkies to stave off the villains AND his hypoglycemia!

The Blurt-out: When is Anna Faris going to let Jayma Mays share a little more of her adorably-cute-and-funny-girl spotlight?

The Jizt: Had Paul Blart been a Twinkie-eating Reggie Vel Johnson, I might not have forgotten seeing the film by the end of the credits.



...I'll go get you a towel.

The Jizt: Knowing

Come one, come all (no pun intended)! Reel Whore is unveiling a new series. Most days I try to please my audience with full-length reviews, but there are times when I only have time to squeeze in A Quickie. What I've discovered is that in this fast-paced world of blogging, tweeting and fly-by-night film voyeurism, sometimes one doesn't even have the time to give a film proper treatment. More importantly, others do not always have the time to read it. To remedy this situation, I've created The Jizt. Like Mr. Owl, The Jizt can knock out a film review in three licks:

A One...
The Build-up: A one-sentence synopsis of the film.

A Two...
The Blurt-out: A random statement one might say as if in the throes of passion.

A Three!..
The Jizt! A one-sentence opinion of the film.

As always, the film's basic information will be provided. I will also list three of its actors. With The Jizt explained, who better to help me demonstrate this new feature than Nicholas Cage with his film which coincidentally releases on DVD today, Knowing.

**********

Knowing

Release: 03.20.09
DVD Release: 07.07.09
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 1 minute

Group Rental




Cast: Nicholas Cage (Wicker Man), Chandler Canterbury (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button), Rose Byrne (Sunshine)


The Build-up: A widowed astronomy professor, Koestler, and his son come to possess a fifty-year-old piece of paper full of numbers that foretell humanity's imminent destruction.

The Blurt-out: As a fellow Ford owner, I was comforted knowing the roomy interior and tight turning radius of a mighty F-150 transported Koestler & Co. to the apocalypse with ease.

The Jizt: Knowing Nic Cage's track record, I knew enough to pay only $1.50 to see Knowing, but had I known Knowing was such a mess I'd have been better off blowing the cash at Wendy's, know what I'm saying?

***