Miss March
Release: 03.13.09
Rated R
1 hour, 30 minutes
Read a MuFu'n Book!
A month ago I said I would rather clean the debris from an elephant's rectal thermometer than go see Miss March. Turns out, you need specific skills to do that sort of job so with that task marked from my to-do list, a hole opened up to view this flick.
Straight-laced, pro-abstinence Eugene (Zach Cregger) makes a pact with his girlfriend of two and a half years, Cindi (Raquel Alessi, Ghost Rider), to pop her cherry on prom night. His crass, horndog buddy, Tucker Cleigh (Trevor Moore), couldn't be happier for his best bud and they toss back a few drinks to christen Eugene's journey to manhood. Instead, Eugene journeys to the bottom of the stairs and into a coma, waking four years later to discover Cindi is a Playboy centerfold. Tucker hauls Eugene across country to reunite with his old flame at the Playboy mansion's big bash.
Remember in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me when Austin unknowingly drinks a stool sample, thinking it's coffee? It's gross but surprisingly funny, mainly because Austin doesn't know it's shit that he's about to consume. Had Austin known it was actually colonic coffee and drank it anyway, that'd just be stupid and sick. The same is true here. Going into Miss March, the film reeked of shit, looked like shit and most likely would be shit. Still, I drank it in. I still can't get the taste out of my mouth. I paid a $1.50 for my ticket and I was fucking robbed!
Stars Moore and Cregger also wore the writer and director's hats on this project; apparently, all at the same time. Scenes felt cobbled together in the moment. The direction didn't accentuate the story or even revel in the inanity of the scene. The casting was horrible. Fellow classmate Candace (Molly Stanton) looked 35 in high school, 25 when all growed up, but in reality she turned 29 the same day this was released. This career killer is one helluva birthday gift to receive to someone who didn't deserve it. Craig Robinson (Zack and Miri Make a Porno) plays another classmate-turned-rapper, Horsedick.MPEG. Yes, you heard me; Horsedick DOT MPEG! Being helpful, he gives the dudes a ride on his bus, but don't get this confused with his mildly amusing appearance as Havana Bob on the Helpful Bus:
That four-minute clip is funnier than the entirety of
Miss March. When Hugh Hefner's (
The House Bunny) acting is worth mentioning, you know it's a bad film.
Dirty UndiesSpeaking of Playboy, what's with the nudity? There's a total of four, maybe five uncovered breasts but the direction never showed them the proper respect. Likewise, the film's most intelligent joke, a recurring poo prank, is never adequately captured. If you're going for the gross and crass, at least do it right.
The Money ShotBadly shot, badly told and badly acted. I didn't expect Academy-level precision from Moore and Cregger, but a basic level of competency in any of the three areas would have been appreciated. I took the time to show up to your film; you should have had the courtesy to do the same.
In this fast-paced world of blogging, tweeting and fly-by-night film voyeurism, sometimes one doesn't have the time to give a film proper treatment. More importantly, others do not always have the time to read it. Sometimes you just have to take it around back and squeeze one out in 1-2-3 quick licks.
The Lovely Bones
"I sure hope my daughter can't see me banging out the Jizt through this candle."
