As I sit here speculating on the March movie prospects, I can't help but think just how hard February's film offerings sucked! I managed to see only one new release last month, Friday the 13th...and I saw that twice.
For fear of turning into a snob or maybe just in sheer desperation to spend more time in theaters, I have decided to do something rash. In honor of this month's first release, Watchmen, I will become the Watchman (Da-duh-duh-Dah!). 
I intend to affirm my Reel Whore title by watching and reviewing all eleven major March releases listed below! That includes the really shitty-looking ones, too. Starting today I will spread the folds of my wallet wide, reach in deep and soak in every ounce of the cinematic experience being offered.
For those not quite hardened enough to join me in my task, here are IMDB's March releases, sorted by relative worthiness.
Exercise the Right To Cinematic Celibacy.
Miss March (03.13) You can rearrange the letters in Miss March to create "Ass Chrimm." Ass chrimm is what I call the debris one cleans off an elephantine rectal thermometer. That is something I'd prefer doing in lieu of paying to see this.Monsters vs. Aliens (03.27) To paraphrase Stephen Colbert, set the terrible level to Code Brown 'cuz I smell a steaming pile. The best part? Dreamworks made it possible to view this massive turd in stunningly disappointing 3D!
The Haunting in Connecticut (03.27) Seances, a morgue in the basement and creepy piano music don't scare me. However, the words "based on a true story" are terrifying. When did Virginia Madsen stop making good horror flicks? Scratch that, good flicks period.
12 Rounds (03.27) 12 Rounds looks like The Punisher with a Die Hard With a Vengeance style. Sadly, the WWE film starring John Cena will have me tapping out before the first round ends.
It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.
Knowing (03.20) Knowing that the director of The Crow and Dark City Alex Proyas is in charge gives me hope. Knowing Next's follically-challenged Nicolas Cage is the star gives me pause. Can Proyas reign in the ego of Cage in time? The fate of the film depends on it.
"Hello? Is there anyone in the theater...Popcorn's on me if you'll stay."Duplicity (03.20) He spy, she spy, I spy... Tom Wilkinson! Oh yeah, Julia Roberts and Clive Owen reunite, too. I enjoyed Closer but I couldn't be farther from interested in seeing the two of them in this lovey-dovey, twisty-thrilly.
Moist With Antici...Pation!
Watchmen (03.06) "Hrrrm." The question is; Who won't watch the Watchmen?! With all the production problems, pre- and post-, this film has been a long time coming. All the slo-mo effects better not make for a long time sitting!
Race to Witch Mountain (03.13) That's right. Mountain makes me moist. Specifically, Carla Gugino makes me moist, Dwayne Johnson is just yummy, and AnnaSophia Robb is an ass-hair away from being the next big thing. What is this about, anyway?
The Last House on the Left (03.13) Garret "The Cuntlip" Dillahunt can play one sleazy, surly villain. The remaining cast should provide collateral damage for him as this remake attempts to out mind-fuck the Craven original.I Love You, Man (03.20) No! I Love You, Paul Rudd. Who doesn't love those dimples and dreamy eyes? Sprinkle in a little Rashida Jones, Jason Segel and Jaime "Kinston Repesent!" Pressley and you could laugh it up for days!
Adventureland (03.27) There's a good chance this will be about as much fun as going to the run-down Adventureland, but the supporting cast keeps me exceptionally optimistic. Just so you know, I base my belief firmly in the way, way better redband trailer.
***
Boy, oh boy, is March ever going to be the fun ride! I'll see you in the dark.
The Last House on the Left remake will never out mind fuck the original.
ReplyDeleteYou saw Friday the 13th (2009) twice? In Valen's name.
Watchmen was cool. FAR better than your Friday the 13th
I hope Last House will at least make a good attempt.
ReplyDeleteMy buddy never saw F13 so I went with him. The killing and the Guill made it worth the $4 to see it again.
Watchmen was great. It will be topping my '09 list once I post my review.
You are to funny with that Miss March comment
ReplyDeleteI just found out who that dude actually was the other day--watched The Whitest Kids You Know for the first time. I am on the late train I guess....but really, not impressed--dude is seriously not funny.
They did change Last and added some original ideas so we'll see. I should ask for a screener.
ReplyDelete$4. Alright, that is REALLY a cheap ticket price. I haven't seen a ticket price that low in ten years.
Yes, Watchmen was good and I am writing a review myself. It's almost a five pages now.
Have you taken my Watchmen Poll yet?
http://film-book.com/what-is-your-opinion-on-watchmen/
You'll laugh while watching this reaction to Watchmen:
http://film-book.com/hitlers-response-to-zack-synders-watchmen/
@IW: I tried watching an ep of WKYK and had to give it up. Not funny at all to me.
ReplyDelete@filmbook: The $4 ticket is an AMC thing in South Carolina for 10am shows. I wish I had something like that in NC.
I need to get started on my Watchmen post. So much to say but wanna keep it tight.
"AnnaSophia Robb is an ass-hair away from being the next big thing"
ReplyDeletePriceless. Though, I think that line's almost enough to get you in trouble with Johnny Law.
Carla Gugino pretty much stunk up the joint in Watchmen, but I sure do enjoy looking at her, too, and the wife is a Rock fan, so we might end up racing to Witch Mountain after all.
I'm not dying to see it or anything, but I think Monsters vs. Aliens looks better than you do. Lotta good vocal talent there, including Rogen (better heard and not seen?) and Hugh Laurie, amongst others.
And yeah, I haven't even seen the trailer for I Love You, Man yet, but I'm there.
@Fletch: I speak only of AnnaSophia's talent as an actress...not her TALENTS, honest.
ReplyDeleteGugino Blasphemy! I thought her makeup stunk it up more than she did. If I was pointing fingers at bad acting in Watchmen (and I did) it would be at Malin Ackerman. Back to Gugino, good or bad, she's hot enough to melt the pants right off me.
I'm getting a little tired of hearing Rogen in these animated films. I like him, but man is he the only ugly voice out there for voicing ugly xters? Hugh Laurie and Will Arnett will add some fun to the production.
Rudd + any movie = $9 of Whore money spent!
I would go to 10am showings if they were only $4.
ReplyDeleteI wish there were some AMCs where I live.
Best thing I have access to is one theater's $5.50 matinee and another theater's $1.50 second-run tickets if they get the movie and I can withstand the urine smell of their theater. The $4 ticket was a luxury of visiting my out-of-state buddy for the weekend.
ReplyDeleteUsually I hit the damn $7 matinee out of convenience. Kills my wallet.