Week of Reel Whorror!: Who Wants a Clean House?! - Day 4

Actually, you can't always blame the houses for horrific deeds done within their walls. Sometimes evil just meanders its way to the front door and let's itself in.When that happens, it's always best to be prepared; just ask the Collingwoods.

The Last House on the Left



Release: 03.013.09
Rated R
1 hour, 50 minutes


 
Matinee


Meet John (Tony Goldwyn, Abandon), Emma (Monica Potter, Saw) and Mary (Sara Paxton, Soldier); the Collingwood Family. They've left behind their daily drudgery for their annual summer vacation at the lake. Mary bounces into town to visit her friend, Paige (Martha MacIsaac, Superbad). The two teens finds themselves in the midst of a clan of miscreants, led by recently escaped convict Krug (Garret Dillahunt, No Country for Old Men). The Family Krug and the Family Collingwood are on a collision course with destiny. The sign post up ahead reads "Lake Ends in the Road." Your next stop: the last house on the left.

I really dug Last House. Granted, it's a far cry from the insanity of the original, but it's a well structured tale of terror. So I keep asking myself, why am I hung up on this damned house!? Let me explain. John's a doctor and Emma seems to do important work, too. Obviously well-to-do, it seems only natural that they own a summer home. But the family owns a two-story home at the lake, with a boat house, a massive tool shed AND a two-story guest house!?! Both domiciles are loaded with furniture, linens and even the medicine cabinets are fully stocked. The main house even has a cabinet full of wine, enough to carry the family through Indian summer. Is it just me or does this seem a bit excessive? And the kicker; they own a 10,000 watt, faux-wood veneer, approved-for-nuclear-testing microwave you'd find in your gram-gram's kitchen. Really?! You couldn't spring for a portable funcooker like normal people!! But I digress.

Dillahunt is my man. I've enjoyed his roles on Deadwood as well as Sarah Connor Chronicles and his twinge of devilishness works well here. However, he and his compatriots aren't nearly as crazy and drug-addled as the original's gang...except, maybe, Sadie (Riki Lindhome, Million Dollar Baby). Potter and Goldwyn, too, make you feel the anguish and anger over the evening's events. By the way, what's up with Monica Potter's career? It's like she's been on the Sandra Bullock short bus for her entire career. I don't think Paxton will suffer the same fate. She gives a top-notch performance and her Aquamarine training probably helped, too.

Dirty Undies
Last House isn't for the timid or faint of heart. The Family Krug are introduced in an explosion of blood-spatter, but their deviant ways settle into a very cautious and calculated routine that's surprisingly weak in comparison to the meek Collingwoods who wreck shit once their ire's agitated. The film does feature scenes of graphic rape and torture, but its conservative nature keeps it from attaining Firefly-family infamy.

The Money Shot
The Last House on the Left pulls off a decent amount of tension and dread, but it could have been truly nail-biting had they trimmed off a solid fifteen minutes. Still, horror films with a fairly realistic, well-explained story are a rarity these days, so you should catch the good ones whenever possible.

Week of Reel Whorror!: Who Wants a Clean House?! - Day 2

I hope last night you didn't have too many things go bump in the night. No matter, the Week of Reel Whorror! continues nonetheless. Not all houses are built evil. Some have evil bred into them. It's a strange concept to be sure, and some movies do a real shit job in conveying that idea. This is one such story.

The Haunting in Connecticut


Release: 03.27.09
1 hour, 42 minutes
Rated PG-13


Group Rental




In the same way her son Matt (Kyle Gallner, TV: Veronica Mars) can barely stomach his cancer treatments, Sarah Campbell (Virginia Madsen, Number 23) cannot bear to watch him suffer on their long road trips back to suburban Connecticut. Sarah and husband Peter (Martin Donovan, The Quiet) decide to rent a house near the treatment facility to ease everyone's stress. Sarah finds the perfect house for cheap; perfect and cheap if you don't mind living in an old funeral home. No one minds, except for the wayward souls that keep lurking around the Campbell's dying son.

Haunting, based on true events, tries to strike a balance between Matt's battle with cancer and the recurring appearance of ghosts in his basement digs. At times, Matt sees through the eyes of a young spirit, Jonah, who appears to Matt as an extra crispy version of his former self. The KFC spectre mainly just stares at Matt and lurches over him while he sleeps. Startling moments of here-one-second, gone-the-next are the extent of the film's overused scare tactics. I was more frightened by how often mommie dearest inexplicably left her children alone for large spans of time.

The whole damn film is one huge exercise in tedium. Like most lame-ass, teen-friendly horror flicks, jittery flashbacks tease audiences with the house's dark side. Whenever the KFC spectre goes on break, Matt splits his time between entertaining his siblings and cousin Wendy (Amanda Crew, Sex Drive), and by calling fellow cancer patient, Reverend Popescu (Elias Koteas, Zodiac), to talk death and ghosts. Judging by the Reverend's baggy attire, I assume John Goodman backed out of production and the budget didn't allow for a refitting for Koteas. Regardless, Koteas gives it his all.

Haunting cuts a lot of corners. Scenes are notably grainy. At first it seemed to set a mood, but when conversation sequences shift continually between poorly-shot and strikingly clear, it's friggin' annoying. The script works the same. When Matt's visits by the KFC spectre are confirmed, Encylopedia Wendy is on the case and in an afternoon uncovers the entire history of the hell house. The religious faith of Sarah and the Reverend are treated as taboo, almost as if the spirits themselves didn't allow more to be written into the story. I could stomach all these weaknesses if I wasn't being spoon-fed every other frivolous detail of the Campbells' life.

Dirty Undies
Gentle scares are mildly unnerving at best. The children seem to be in peril, but aside from treating Matt like an Etch-A-Sketch, the ghosts do very little besides stand around. Also, the shockingly horrific reveal doesn't make a lick of sense! A sure-fire indication a horror flick sucks is when the explanation creates more questions than it answers.

The Money Shot
The Haunting in Connecticut was so dull, I felt my brain shut off about ten minutes into it. As the climax approached and I snapped to attention, I realized I didn't know anything about Matt, his family, the KFC spectre or the other spirits I'd been watching for over an hour. The worst part? It didn't fucking matter. When it was all said and done, The Haunting in Connecticut amounted to nothing more than boredom in the theater.

Special Request: Mississippi Damned

Mississippi Damned

Release: Festivals
Rated UR
2 hours

Full Price

Mississippi Damned follows the lives of three children in rural Mississippi surviving on the hope to live out adulthood anywhere but. Starting in 1986, the oldest, Leigh (Chasity Kershal Hammite), counts her pennies and the days until she can escape the oppression and disapproval of her family.

To escape Leigh would leave her younger sister Kari (Kylee Russell) behind with their critical mother, Dolores (Michael Hyatt, The Good Girl), and gambling-addicted father, Junior (Adam Clark, Public Enemies). Luckily, their aunt Anna (Simbi Khali, We Were Soldiers) has helped to nurture the musician in Kari. Fast forward to 1998 when Kari (Tessa Thompson, For Colored Girls) has the opportunity to leave for college.

The girls' cousin, Sammy (Malcolm David Kelley, Antwone Fisher), hopes his skills on the court will be his ticket to a better life, but his alcoholic mother, Charlie (Jossie Thacker, TV: Living Single) drinks away the money needed to send him to the recruit. Though he escapes, the adult Sammy (Malcolm Goodwin, American Gangster) finds himself returning to the homestead just as Kari struggles to make her dreams come true.

I don't usually provide such a lengthy synopsis in a review, but should you choose to watch Mississippi Damned (which I highly recommend you do), you will discover an intricately woven story. Writer-director Tina Mabry draws from her own experiences growing up in Tupelo, Mississippi to craft her feature-length debut. Damned is anything but light fare. Mabry tackles themes of sexual abuse, alcoholism and murder, showing how these sins of the parents are visited upon the children.

The greatest strength of Mississippi Damned is the exceptional cast. For many, Tessa Thompson and D.B Woodside (Romeo Must Die) may be most recognizable; she for her stints on the shows Heroes and Veronica Mars, he for his work on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 24, and most recently, Hellcats. While they give strong performances, their costars are just as deserving of praise. All the major players skillfully convey the stark reality of their characters' lives.

The cinematography crafts an oppressive and claustrophobic mood. There are, however, a few scenes when I would have preferred more lighting. The dimness deprived audiences of the full weight of the actors' performances.   

Mississippi Damned doesn't conform to the cycle of lows and highs one would find in Hollywood films. Though atypical, it's emotionally stirring and riveting. Don't take my word for it; trust the judgment of the numerous festivals which have awarded Mississippi Damned several best narrative and best feature film awards.

---

If you're interested in seeing an overlooked gem, the DVD is available exclusively on the film's website; www.mississippidamned.com/store

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Week of Reel Whorror!: Dead is Better Day 5

 ***The following review is an encore presentation for the Week of Reel Whorror! ***

Zombieland


Release: 10.02.09
Rated R
1 hour, 20 minutes


Full Price



Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg, Adventureland) has managed to survive the zombie apocalypse by following his rigid list of rules, first and foremost being cardio. He's traveling from Texas to Ohio to reunite with his family when he meets Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson, Semi-Pro). The two reluctantly team up to travel to their eastbound destinations. Along the way, the duo encounters sisters Wichita (Emma Stone, Superbad) and Little Rock (Abigail Breslin, Signs) who turn the fellas' post-apocalyptic world upside down, causing them all to end up in Los Angeles.

I've been pondering ways to draft a clever review for Zombieland. I thought recapping the highlights via an extensive list of rules a la Columbus would be neat, but that'd require a lot of structure and discipline.

I could have talked about the trinity of obnoxiousness sitting behind me in the screening. You know the three: Detective Clueless, Mr. Obvious, and The Braying Mule. The first is the dumb chick who asks, Why'd they do that? about every scene. The second is the nimrod best friend to the blind moviegoer, explaining events such as She dropped a piano on him. Finally, you'll recognize the Mule as the fella who is apparently discovering the art of comedy this very moment, causing him to unleash a near-deafening guffaw over a scene no other fucker in the theater found funny.

Yeah, I could berate those tools, but let's not and say I did. What kind of review does Zombieland merit? One that gushes over its high points and forgives its minor foibles. Columbus is a wimp, but his carefulness and ever-expanding rules save him time and again. His physical and social limitations provide some hair-raising and hilarious moments. On the other hand, there's Tallahassee, a reckless action junkie who takes breaks from the road trip to blow off steam and zombie heads. He fills the carnage quotient and his insane quest for Twinkies is a great running gag. Watching the two of them riff off one another is just good fun.


When the ladies are introduced, Little Rock is a trip with her uninformed stance on any and every pop culture reference more than two years old. Wichita is the straight woman, a hardline loner who'd rather this happy band disband so she and her little sis can find peace on their own. The film has one cameo, which steals the thunder from the cast, but given who it is would you expect any less?

Dirty Undies
Told from Columbus's perspective, Zombieland relies on voiceover and montage to bring the audience up to speed. The opening montage front loads the film with action as zombies graphically devour human innards because people fail to adhere to Columbus's rules. Tallahassee's killing sprees are sickeningly creative and Harrelson seems to relish every moment. Wichita is one hot chick with a gun; Emma Stone's bedroom eyes and husky voice may have something to do with that. Somehow director Ruben Fleischer manages to slip in a swinging pair of pastie-clad zombie juggs for pervs like me. The language is as foul as a zombie's breath.

The Money Shot
Zombieland feels every bit as short as its eighty minute runtime, making you wish there were more. One might argue that I may be biased because any movie that pays homage to Ghostbusters is a must-see in my book. Zombieland is far from perfect, but neither the minor makeup and special-effects flaws nor the idiots behind me were enough to curb my enjoyment. The last few movies I've seen were so dull I haven't mustered up the energy to review them; this one was as refreshing as a hot shower or a fresh Twinkie.

Dream Bigger

Garbage Dreams


Release: 07.31.09
Rated UR
1 hour, 29 minutes


Matinee



On the edge of Cairo lies the neighborhood of Mokattam. The 60,000 people that live here are known as Zaballeen, or "garbage people," because they earn a living by recycling 80% of the garbage they collect from the city. That is, until Cairo contracted foreign companies for garbage disposal. For four years, Garbage Dreams follows three teen boys, Adham, Osama, and Nabil, as they look to their future while their people's livelihood is usurped.

The Zaballeen heft sacks of garbage three to five times their size along the streets of Cairo, hoisting them into carts and trucks to haul to Mokattam. Upon first glance, Mokattam seems little more than a trash pile, but closer inspection reveals an entire society organized around recycling. Bottles, cans, paper and food waste are separated into large piles and processed by the Zaballeen. All of this is done by them with only minimal payment from the people of Cairo.


Respect, family and communal pride runs deep within the three boys. The charismatic though unfocused Osama wishes only to attain respect from his family and friends. Nabil is ready to have his own family, but the lack of work worries him. Adham supports his family while his father is incarcerated, but he has industrious visions for the Zaballeen's future.

The plight of these three boys is compelling; you can't help but sympathize over the adversity they face. However, Garbage Dreams focuses only on one element of the issue. To inspire audiences to action, the entire problem needs to be explained. Being the internationally uninformed American I am, I know little of the cultural, political and religious issues that may exist between the people of Cairo and the Zaballeen. For example, the Zaballeen are mostly Coptic Christian, a religious minority in predominantly Muslim Egypt. The Zaballeen are poor farmers who moved from the rural south to the outskirts of the city to find new work. As much as we'd all like to buy the world a Coke, how much did these prejudices play into the decision of Cairo and its citizens to privatize service?

Knowing more about the attitudes of the Cairo government, its people, and the foreign trash companies toward the Zaballeen may have helped to build even larger support for the Zaballeen and their future as recyclers. With that perspective lacking, I found myself wondering why I was looking at yet another random scene of a stray dog scrounging through piles of trash.

Despite providing only a singular context, Garbage Dreams achieves its goal; to raise awareness of the Zaballeen and their predicament. Osama, Adham, and Nabil still hold to their recycling dreams by the film's end, but you'll leave wondering what the reality of their future will hold.

To learn more, visit www.garbagedreams.com

Dressed for Success: The Oscar Gang Bang

All in all, I've done quite well in terms of Oscar contenders watched. What I haven't done well is post reviews about those nominees. With the Academy Awards just a few days away, there's no better time than the present to play a little catch up. I'll start with five films with two commonalities: their stories involve some degree of lost love and all are nominated for Achievement in Costume Design.

Let's begin:

Bright Star
Release: 09.18.09 (ltd.)
Rated PG
1 hour, 59 minutes

Full Price

Abbie Cornish (Elizabeth: The Golden Age) has gone from wearing Queen Elizabeth's bitch collar to creating her own high fashion as Fanny Brawne. While living in London in the early 1800's, Fanny meets aspiring poet John Keats (Ben Whishaw, Layer Cake). Over many a walk and many a poetry lesson, the two fall helplessly in love. Forces conspire against the lovers as John's indebted status and health problems keep the couple at arm's length from true happiness.

Writer-director Jane Campion (The Piano) floods the screen with lush colors, stunning costumes and passionate performances. Whishaw's noble refusals of Fanny's affections are second only to Abbie Cornish's roller coaster of reactions to the poet's attempts to quell her love. Neither performance tops Paul Schneider. Schneider (All the Real Girls) is exemplary as Keats' partner in poetry, Charles Armitage Brown. He owns both the Scottish accent and the ridiculous, yet no doubt fashionable, plaid pantsuit.

Award Chances
The costumes are so vibrant and detailed that Bright Star is one of my top contenders, if not the one to beat. Now a four time nominee, Janet Patterson was snubbed by the Costume Design Guild in their nominations, which does not bode well for her Oscar chances.

The Money Shot
The visual elements and performances of Bright Star are resonant. I only recently saw this film, but it would have given some serious contention to (500) Days of Summer for best romance had I seen it in 2009.

Coco Avant Chanel
Release: 09.25.09 (ltd.)
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 45 minutes

Matinee

Gabrielle 'Coco' Chanel (Audrey Tautou, Dirty Pretty Things) is a seamstress and singer for a bar. When a visiting baron becomes smitten, she uses the opportunity to escape her station, inserting herself into his life and his estate in the French countryside. Despite being little more than a mistress to him, she uses her time to wow the ladies with her designs. When Arthur 'Boy' Capel (Alessandro Nivola, Junebug), an English businessman, falls in love with her, Coco sees her future broaden.

A slow affair, Coco Avant Chanel is captivating, thanks to how Tautou balances Coco' stubbornness of the character with vulnerability and naivete. Despite a ridiculous-looking mustache, Nivola is as charming as ever. The blossoming romance between Boy and Coco and the complications of her place at the baron's estate makes their romance interesting, to say the least.

Award Chances
Catherine Leterrier received her first nomination for her work on Coco. It may seem simple to mimic the works of a designer, but Leterrier also had the daunting task of showing how Coco's designs defied the status quo of the period. The clash between Coco's outfits and those of the elite are the most memorable scenes. Coco Avant Chanel relies heavily on its costumes and easily makes my short list.

The Money Shot
See it for the romance, enjoy it for the costumes. Coco Avant Chanel puts a face to the name of a brand that everyone knows.

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
Release: 12.25.09 (ltd.)
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 3 minutes

Matinee

Doctor Parnassus (Christopher Plummer, The Last Station) is a man who has lived for more than a millennium, thanks to Mr. Nick (Tom Waits, The Book of Eli). Parnassus and his companions now travel London, offering people the chance to experience ultimate joy in his imaginarium. However, people not willing to sacrifice for happiness may be swayed by Mr. Nick down a path of darkness and destruction. For his own happiness, Parnassus now owes his daughter Valentina (Lily Cole) to Mr. Nick on her sixteenth birthday. Days before it's time to collect, the troupe comes across a stranger, Tony (Heath Ledger, The Brother Grimm), who spices up the bargain.

The words, "From the mind of Terry Gilliam (12 Monkeys)" are never more true than with Parnassus. Gilliam can be an acquired taste, and he is in full, far-fetched mode with his latest work. Thanks to the imaginarium, Ledger's last role was able to be parsed out among Colin Farrel (In Bruges), Johnny Depp (Blow) and Jude Law (Alfie). The imaginarium is a fluid, colorful world where anything goes in contrast to the dismal reality where Parnassus and his crew dwell.

Award Chances
Kudos to first time nominee Monique Prudhomme. It could not have been an easy task to craft the multitude of costumes Parnassus demanded: from past to present, real and imagined, high society to homeless. Prudhomme's design gave each aspect of Gilliam's piece added depth. However, with more than a few audience members confused and frustrated by Gilliam's premise, admiring the costumes will be last on many a voter's mind.

The Money Shot
Doctor Parnassus is not the least accessible of Gilliam's films, but it's out there. While I mostly enjoyed it, I'd be lying if I didn't admit to glancing at my watch more than a few times.

Nine
Release: 12.25.09
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 58 minutes

Second Run Seats

Everyone is pestering acclaimed Italian director Guido Contini (Daniel Day-Lewis, Gangs of New York) about his latest film, Italia. The press, his producer, his costume designer Lilli (Judi Dench, Iris), and even his star, Claudia (Nicole Kidman, Moulin Rouge!), all want a peek at the pages of his next masterpiece. The problem is, there are no new pages because Contini is blocked. Contini revisits his sources of inspiration--the women of his life--in hopes that Italia will reveal itself.

Director Rob Marshall's (Chicago) latest work is one mess of a movie. It's a jumbled blur of glittery costumes and shadowy stage pieces as Guido runs about, on the edge of pulling his hair out. With the exception of the song Be Italian, every musical number blasts the audience's ears with the name Guido, Guido, Guido; in case you forget who's at the story's center. Somehow the actresses portraying the women of Guidi's life still shine above the glitzy flurry, except Kidman, who casts an eerie glow more akin to a spectre than a living person.

Award Chances
This makes the eighth nomination for two-time Oscar winner Colleen Atwood. Needless to say, the Academy appreciates her work. The glimpses of the cabaret showed promise and the bedazzled bustiers worn by Cotillard, Cruz and Dench were quite flattering, but the jittery, spastic whooshing of the camera made it difficult to appreciate.

The Money Shot
Aside from Fergie's lady lumps, the only other performance I appreciated was Judi Dench's number. I plan to lobby that the next James Bond theme be performed by 'M' alone because she's definitely got the chops.

The Young Victoria
Release: 12.18.09
Rated PG
1 hour, 45 minutes

Matinee

Before becoming the longest-reigning monarch in English history, Victoria (Emily Blunt, Sunshine Cleaning) had to contend with her power hungry mother, the Duchess of Kent (Miranda Richardson, Sleepy Hollow), and her comptroller, Sir John Conroy (Mark Strong, Sherlock Holmes). She finds a friend and equal in Prince Albert (Rupert Friend, The Libertine), who, though sent to woo her affections for the good of Belgium, wishes for her to love him.

Emily Blunt glows before the camera. She captures the naivete and stubbornness of a woman above taking orders, but shows vulnerability, too. Friend's Albert is at his best when he sets aside his fawning for Victoria to set someone straight, be it Lord Melbourne (Paul Bettany, The Da Vinci Code), Sir Conroy, or even Victoria. Jim Broadbent's (Moulin Rouge!) portrayal of King William is brief but most delightful. I could watch him lambast Victoria's mother for her wickedness over and over.

Award Chances
The costumes are lavish and Ms. Blunt wears the adornments of queen well. The cinematography melds the wardrobe subtly into the background rather than showcasing it. This makes designer Sandy Powell's eighth nomination and with two statues already on her mantle, it's a good possibility there may soon be three.

The Money Shot
As some critics mentioned, the characterizations in Young Victoria are flat, but that is more a fault of a story simplified for younger audiences than any of the actors' portrayals.

07 of '09: Confessions Part VII

I'm sure many of you are cursing my name for withholding the Sexiest Actress of 2009 winner, but as you can see it was well worth it:

And the award for Sexiest Actress of 2009 goes to:

Marion Cotillard

She wowed us all with her feminine wiles in both Public Enemies and Nine. As Contini's wife, Luisa, she performs a demure, somber tune about her husband. Later, she unleashes her womanly fervor in angry rejection of said husband's ways. In Public Enemies, she doesn't get to sing and dance, but as Dillinger's girl, Billie Frechette, she was the sexiest woman in any room. Even when that room is the police interrogation room where she pisses herself. That kind of love and stubbornness is commendable, and sexy.

Next up is

Award #11: 2009 Dirty Undies Award

Those who frequent the Reel Whore know that I enjoy any film that gives me something dirty to talk about. I try to acknowledge any appreciable measure of violence, gore, sex, nudity and general foulness in a film, though it's getting harder in this kid-friendly, PG-13, over-the-pants-hand-job most films aspire to nowadays. Still, there are a good number of films that give up the goods. This award commends those films steeped in Dirty Undies.

The Sloppy Seconds:

The Last House on the Left; Life is Hot in Cracktown; My Bloody Valentine 3-D; Observe and Report; Watchmen; Zombieland

And the winner of the 2009 Dirtiest Undies Award is:

Crank: High Voltage

If you've seen Crank: High Voltage, you know no other film had a chance of procuring 2009's Dirty Undies honor. Once you get over the unbelievable premise, settle in for a ninety-minute adrenaline rush. Chev Chelios treats audiences to brutal killings, crazy ass-whoopings and an unbelievably ridiculous, yet amazingly entertaining PDS (public display of screwing)! Crank: High Voltage is an exercise in excess and though moments will have you shaking your head in disbelief, it delivers where many films fall short.

Every year, I like to point out the movies that I feel were misjudged. A handful of films seem to never leave the theater, making beaucoup dollars despite being mediocre. Conversely, there are far more deserving films that get their screens limited and advertising cut in order to make room for more conventional fare. Here's my tip of the hat to those Severely Underrated and a wag of my finger at the Most Overrated films of 2009.

Severely Underrated	Most Overrated
Black Dynamite	G-Force
A Perfect Getaway	Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
World's Greatest Dad	Coraline

Now that all those awards are out of the way, only one order of business remains.

Drumroll please!

It's taken seven days but I now present to you...

Award #12: 2009's Best and Worst By Genre:

Back on Day 1, I listed all the movies in contention for each genre. The time has come to announce the best film of the year, the two also-rans, and finally, the single worst film that robbed minutes away from my life.

ACTION

Best: Black Dynamite Sloppy Seconds: Crank: High Voltage Sloppy Thirds: Taken Worst Attempt: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li

Despite Crank: High Voltage being the undisputed winner when it comes to Dirty Undies, Black Dynamite's hat tip to the blaxploitation genre hit every campy note perfectly and still managed to deliver the hard-hitting action. Ironically, Taken, while intensely unrelenting, slipped into third place by being slightly unbelievable (within its context, that is).

I hope for great things for Kristin Kreuk's career, but alas, it did not happen with Street Fighter. Maybe this blemish on her record will not keep her from bigger and better in the new decade.

COMEDY

Best: The Hangover Sloppy Seconds: I Love You, Man Sloppy Thirds: World's Greatest Dad Worst Attempt: Miss March

I'm still not convinced that The Hangover is better than Todd Phillips's Old School, but I can say without reservation it is the funniest film of 2009. I am a sucker for the adorableness of Paul Rudd and Bobcat Goldthwait surprised me with his darkly comedic tale, but they can't compete with a masturbating baby named Carlos.

Miss March was not only the worst comedy of 2009, it's easily the worst movie of the year - and you loyal readers know how I love to watch some shit. So you can imagine how bad this is.

DRAMA

Best: Precious Sloppy Seconds: Inglorious Basterds Sloppy Thirds: Moon Worst Attempt: The Soloist

My shortlist for drama featured six moving films. I wanted to expand the category to feature them all, but that would not be fair to the remaining genres. You really can't go wrong with any of these choices, but of all three Precious will stick with you long after you leave the theater.

The Soloist wasn't a horrible movie. On the contrary, it was watchable with decent performances. With all the excellent contenders in 2009, it just wound up being at the bottom of the pile.

HORROR

Best: Zombieland Sloppy Seconds: Drag Me to Hell Sloppy Thirds: Paranormal Activity Worst Attempt: The Haunting in Connecticut

This year's entrants for best horror were all tough contenders. While I could have easily nominated five great flicks, Zombieland was the cream, the sweet, delicious Twinkie cream. Zombieland and Drag Me to Hell both blend comedy and horror phenomenally. Paranormal Activity may seem comical until those final minutes scare the shit of you.

I've beat The Haunting in Connecticut to death over how piss-poor it is. This is your final warning: going to see this may make you vomit ectoplasm like its star.

ROMANCE

Best: (500) Days of Summer Sloppy Seconds: Adventureland Sloppy Thirds: Shall We Kiss? Worst Attempt: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

While drama was full of solid film, I was scratching the bottom of the barrel to find quality romantic films. (500) Days of Summer, while not without its flaws, stars such charismatic actors that it edges out its competition.

On the other hand, Matthew McConaughey might want to lay off the bud when reading scripts. Little about this movie made sense and the characters were thinner than the dollar you wasted on seeing it.

SCI-FI/FANTASY

Best: District 9 Sloppy Seconds: Watchmen Sloppy Thirds: Avatar Worst Attempt: G-Force

I'm sure more than a few people are surprised to see District 9 as my top selection. Let's face it; if it weren't for the great effects, Avatar would just be another long-ass fantasy movie. Watchmen, while good, was also a little too long for its own good. District 9 tells a great story on a tiny budget and comes in under two hours!

Talking guinea pigs that have to save the world isn't a terrible idea in and of itself. The fact that they have to save the world from Transformer-esque killer home appliances is just mind-numbingly inane.

THRILLER

Best: A Perfect Getaway Sloppy Seconds: Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans Sloppy Thirds: Law Abiding Citizen Worst Attempt: Knowing

A Perfect Getaway is the kind of movie you just need to rent for a good thrill. Don't ask people's opinions; just rent it and enjoy the twists and turns.

Oh, Nicolas Cage, how is it you can make so many bad, bad movies and not be forcibly removed from Hollywood? I guess it's because you also do great films like Bad Lieutenant. I'm sure there's some statistics equation out there, but my guess is for every three craptacular flicks like Knowing, you toss us an enjoyable bone. Why can't that work the other way?

There are always a few films that don't fit into my set genres. In 2009, four films were excluded from my established genre count. These films were: Michael Jackson: This Is It; Food, Inc.; Good Hair; and Every Little Step. All four were excellent films and I recommend them highly.

***

That's all I wrote, folks. Agree? Disagree? Indifferent to it all? I'd love to hear what you have to say. In honor of my 07 of '09, I have set up a poll on the right. Take a minute to vote on which of these seven films was your best.

Thank you all for stopping by to enjoy my site. I've already started my 2010 list; I can't wait to see what films are the best of the best this year!

07 of '09: Confessions Part VI

The end is nigh! Tomorrow marks the end of my 07 of '09: Confessions of a Reel Whore. My favorite films of 2009 will get the attention they deserve. But today, there are two very important categories that must be awarded. Shall we?

Award #9: 2009 Paula Jai Parker Award for Most Memorable Line

The Paula Jai Parker Award recognizes the most memorable line delivered in a movie. It honors the combined wittiness of well-written dialogue with unforgettable delivery by an actor.

Many of you may be wondering, who is Paula Jai Parker? She's an underappreciated actress who's been on the big screen for over a decade. In the context of this award, she nabbed it not once, but twice in a row. In honor of her efforts, I renamed it in 2006 in her honor.

Looking back, 2009 seemed to be a thin year for great lines. There were some great moments, but few were rich enough to make the final cut. Here are 2009's nominees.

The Sloppy Seconds:

Watchmen - Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup) "When you left me, I left Earth. Does that not show you that I care?"

Zombieland - Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) "You're like a giant... cock blocking robot, like, developed in a secret fucking government lab."

Black Dynamite - Black Dynamite (Michael Jai White) "Doughnuts don't wear alligator shoes."

Taken - Bryan (Liam Neeson) "Now's not the time for dick measuring!"

The Brothers Bloom - Penelope (Rachel Weisz) "I think you're constipated, in your fucking soul... I think you might have a really big load of grumpy, petrified poop up your soul's ass."

Fantastic Mr. Fox - Mr. Fox (George Clooney) Whistle. Click. Click.>

And the winner of the 2009 Paula Jai Parker Award is:

Observe and Report - Saddamn (Aziz Ansari) "Why the fuck would I want to blow up the Chick-fil-A? It's fucking delicious!"

As always, I abstained from commenting on the great lines. They speak for themselves (pun intended.) If you've never heard or don't remember these lines, my advice is to rent or buy these flicks immediately and be entertained.


Award #10: Sexiest Actress of 2009

Those familiar with my Confessions may have noticed a bit of a switch up in the format this year. Usually I follow up the Sexiest Actor award with Sexiest Actress award the following day. This year, I opted to save the best lovely ladies for last. Actually, I've been giving you a heads up all week. Each daily banner for my confessions featured one of 2009's Sexiest Actress nominees. In case you weren't paying attention, let's recap.

The Sloppy Seconds:

Margarita Levieva- In Adventureland, Lisa P. is the hippest hottest girl. She's the object of every man's desire, but she's got her eyes set on the dorky James. The fact she looks gorgeous in those hideous 80's styles is only icing on the cake.

Julianna Guill- While she only has a small part as Bree in Friday the 13th, it is unforgettable. In what amounts to an extended soft core scene, she rocks Trent's world while Jason watches.

Patricia Clarkson- In Whatever Works, Marietta's transformation from Bible-thumping southern belle to sexually enlightened New York artist is tantalizing. She attracts men like honey attracts flies. Congratulations, Ms. Clarkson, for being nominated two years running!

Jessica Biel- Rose Johnny is an exotic dancer who works the pole to keep her infirm son on life support. Easily the best performance of Biel's career; too bad most people will only ever see her sultry stripping scenes.

Eva Mendes- Even as Frankie, the junkie escort in Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, Eva still manages to be hotter than Louisiana hot sauce. There isn't a man around who wouldn't want to sample this spicy lady.

	Scarlett Johansson- It doesn't take much for Scarlett to play sexy, and in He's Just Not That Into You she doesn't hold back. Anna bats her long lashes, tosses her curly locks, and throws her curvaceous, bendy yoga-teaching self all over Ben, making us all wish we had a 'best friend' like her.

And the award for Sexiest Actress of 2009 goes to:

Tsk, tsk, tsk. You're not ready. Those six ladies are so sexy, you just might explode if you see our winning Sexiest Actress! Reel Whore will kick off the final day of Confessions with our stunning award winner. Don't miss it!

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