Sunday, January 31, 2010

07 of '09: Confessions Part VII

I'm sure many of you are cursing my name for withholding the Sexiest Actress of 2009 winner, but as you can see it was well worth it:

And the award for Sexiest Actress of 2009 goes to:

Marion Cotillard
She wowed us all with her feminine wiles in both Public Enemies and Nine. As Contini's wife, Luisa, she performs a demure, somber tune about her husband. Later, she unleashes her womanly fervor in angry rejection of said husband's ways. In Public Enemies, she doesn't get to sing and dance, but as Dillinger's girl, Billie Frechette, she was the sexiest woman in any room. Even when that room is the police interrogation room where she pisses herself. That kind of love and stubbornness is commendable, and sexy.

Next up is

Award #11: 2009 Dirty Undies Award

Those who frequent the Reel Whore know that I enjoy any film that gives me something dirty to talk about. I try to acknowledge any appreciable measure of violence, gore, sex, nudity and general foulness in a film, though it's getting harder in this kid-friendly, PG-13, over-the-pants-hand-job most films aspire to nowadays. Still, there are a good number of films that give up the goods. This award commends those films steeped in Dirty Undies.

The Sloppy Seconds:

The Last House on the Left; Life is Hot in Cracktown; My Bloody Valentine 3-D; Observe and Report; Watchmen; Zombieland

And the winner of the 2009 Dirtiest Undies Award is:

Crank: High Voltage

If you've seen Crank: High Voltage, you know no other film had a chance of procuring 2009's Dirty Undies honor. Once you get over the unbelievable premise, settle in for a ninety-minute adrenaline rush. Chev Chelios treats audiences to brutal killings, crazy ass-whoopings and an unbelievably ridiculous, yet amazingly entertaining PDS (public display of screwing)! Crank: High Voltage is an exercise in excess and though moments will have you shaking your head in disbelief, it delivers where many films fall short.

Every year, I like to point out the movies that I feel were misjudged. A handful of films seem to never leave the theater, making beaucoup dollars despite being mediocre. Conversely, there are far more deserving films that get their screens limited and advertising cut in order to make room for more conventional fare. Here's my tip of the hat to those Severely Underrated and a wag of my finger at the Most Overrated films of 2009.

Severely Underrated

Most Overrated

Black Dynamite


A Perfect Getaway

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

World's Greatest Dad


Now that all those awards are out of the way, only one order of business remains.

Drumroll please!

It's taken seven days but I now present to you...

Award #12: 2009's Best and Worst By Genre:

Back on Day 1, I listed all the movies in contention for each genre. The time has come to announce the best film of the year, the two also-rans, and finally, the single worst film that robbed minutes away from my life.

Best: Black Dynamite

Sloppy Seconds: Crank: High Voltage

Sloppy Thirds: Taken

Worst Attempt: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li

Despite Crank: High Voltage being the undisputed winner when it comes to Dirty Undies, Black Dynamite's hat tip to the blaxploitation genre hit every campy note perfectly and still managed to deliver the hard-hitting action. Ironically, Taken, while intensely unrelenting, slipped into third place by being slightly unbelievable (within its context, that is).

I hope for great things for Kristin Kreuk's career, but alas, it did not happen with Street Fighter. Maybe this blemish on her record will not keep her from bigger and better in the new decade.

Best: The Hangover

Sloppy Seconds: I Love You, Man
Sloppy Thirds:
World's Greatest Dad

Worst Attempt: Miss March
I'm still not convinced that The Hangover is better than Todd Phillips's Old School, but I can say without reservation it is the funniest film of 2009. I am a sucker for the adorableness of Paul Rudd and Bobcat Goldthwait surprised me with his darkly comedic tale, but they can't compete with a masturbating baby named Carlos.

Miss March was not only the worst comedy of 2009, it's easily the worst movie of the year - and you loyal readers know how I love to watch some shit. So you can imagine how bad this is.

Best: Precious

Sloppy Seconds: Inglorious Basterds
Sloppy Thirds: Moon

Worst Attempt: The Soloist

My shortlist for drama featured six moving films. I wanted to expand the category to feature them all, but that would not be fair to the remaining genres. You really can't go wrong with any of these choices, but of all three Precious will stick with you long after you leave the theater.

The Soloist wasn't a horrible movie. On the contrary, it was watchable with decent performances. With all the excellent contenders in 2009, it just wound up being at the bottom of the pile.


Best: Zombieland

Sloppy Seconds: Drag Me to Hell
Sloppy Thirds: Paranormal Activity

Worst Attempt: The Haunting in Connecticut

This year's entrants for best horror were all tough contenders. While I could have easily nominated five great flicks, Zombieland was the cream, the sweet, delicious Twinkie cream. Zombieland and Drag Me to Hell both blend comedy and horror phenomenally. Paranormal Activity may seem comical until those final minutes scare the shit of you.

I've beat The Haunting in Connecticut to death over how piss-poor it is. This is your final warning: going to see this may make you vomit ectoplasm like its star.


Best: (500) Days of Summer

Sloppy Seconds:
Sloppy Thirds: Shall We Kiss?

Worst Attempt: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
While drama was full of solid film, I was scratching the bottom of the barrel to find quality romantic films. (500) Days of Summer, while not without its flaws, stars such charismatic actors that it edges out its competition.

On the other hand, Matthew McConaughey might want to lay off the bud when reading scripts. Little about this movie made sense and the characters were thinner than the dollar you wasted on seeing it.

Best: District 9

Sloppy Seconds: Watchmen
Sloppy Thirds: Avatar

Worst Attempt: G-Force

I'm sure more than a few people are surprised to see District 9 as my top selection. Let's face it; if it weren't for the great effects, Avatar would just be another long-ass fantasy movie. Watchmen, while good, was also a little too long for its own good. District 9 tells a great story on a tiny budget and comes in under two hours!

Talking guinea pigs that have to save the world isn't a terrible idea in and of itself. The fact that they have to save the world from Transformer-esque killer home appliances is just mind-numbingly inane.

Best: A Perfect Getaway

Sloppy Seconds: Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
Sloppy Thirds: Law Abiding Citizen

Worst Attempt: Knowing

A Perfect Getaway is the kind of movie you just need to rent for a good thrill. Don't ask people's opinions; just rent it and enjoy the twists and turns.

Oh, Nicolas Cage, how is it you can make so many bad, bad movies and not be forcibly removed from Hollywood? I guess it's because you also do great films like Bad Lieutenant. I'm sure there's some statistics equation out there, but my guess is for every three craptacular flicks like Knowing, you toss us an enjoyable bone. Why can't that work the other way?

There are always a few films that don't fit into my set genres. In 2009, four films were excluded from my established genre count. These films were: Michael Jackson: This Is It; Food, Inc.; Good Hair; and Every Little Step. All four were excellent films and I recommend them highly.


That's all I wrote, folks. Agree? Disagree? Indifferent to it all? I'd love to hear what you have to say. In honor of my 07 of '09, I have set up a poll on the right. Take a minute to vote on which of these seven films was your best.

Thank you all for stopping by to enjoy my site. I've already started my 2010 list; I can't wait to see what films are the best of the best this year!

Large Association of Movie Blogs


  1. Keep working, great job! I honestly appreciate your time that you have put to write this post.

  2. Great lists, sir! Concerning this last installment, I now, more than ever, feel compelled to see BLACK DYNAMITE and BAD LIEUTENANT. Heck, I might even put A PERFECT GETAWAY on my Que.

    I always enjoy reading your reviews and especially your lists - keep up the great work, sir!

  3. Thanks so much!

    I'll be curious to see what you think of all three, esp Bad Lt -- it's one crazy ride.