Saturday, January 30, 2010

07 of '09: Confessions Part VI

The end is nigh! Tomorrow marks the end of my 07 of '09: Confessions of a Reel Whore. My favorite films of 2009 will get the attention they deserve. But today, there are two very important categories that must be awarded. Shall we?

Award #9: 2009 Paula Jai Parker Award for Most Memorable Line

The Paula Jai Parker Award recognizes the most memorable line delivered in a movie. It honors the combined wittiness of well-written dialogue with unforgettable delivery by an actor.

Many of you may be wondering, who is Paula Jai Parker? She's an underappreciated actress who's been on the big screen for over a decade. In the context of this award, she nabbed it not once, but twice in a row. In honor of her efforts, I renamed it in 2006 in her honor.

Looking back, 2009 seemed to be a thin year for great lines. There were some great moments, but few were rich enough to make the final cut. Here are 2009's nominees.

The Sloppy Seconds:

Watchmen - Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup)

"When you left me, I left Earth. Does that not show you that I care?"

Zombieland - Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg)

"You're like a giant... cock blocking robot, like, developed in a secret fucking government lab."

Black Dynamite - Black Dynamite

(Michael Jai White)

"Doughnuts don't wear alligator shoes."

Taken - Bryan

(Liam Neeson)

"Now's not the time for dick measuring!"

The Brothers Bloom - Penelope (Rachel Weisz)

"I think you're constipated, in your fucking soul... I think you might have a really big load of grumpy, petrified poop up your soul's ass."

Fantastic Mr. Fox - Mr. Fox

(George Clooney)

Whistle. Click. Click.>

And the winner of the 2009 Paula Jai Parker Award is:

Observe and Report - Saddamn

(Aziz Ansari)

"Why the fuck would I want to blow up the Chick-fil-A? It's fucking delicious!"

As always, I abstained from commenting on the great lines. They speak for themselves (pun intended.) If you've never heard or don't remember these lines, my advice is to rent or buy these flicks immediately and be entertained.

Award #10: Sexiest Actress of 2009

Those familiar with my Confessions may have noticed a bit of a switch up in the format this year. Usually I follow up the Sexiest Actor award with Sexiest Actress award the following day. This year, I opted to save the best lovely ladies for last. Actually, I've been giving you a heads up all week. Each daily banner for my confessions featured one of 2009's Sexiest Actress nominees. In case you weren't paying attention, let's recap.

The Sloppy Seconds:

Margarita Levieva
In Adventureland, Lisa P. is the hippest hottest girl. She's the object of every man's desire, but she's got her eyes set on the dorky James. The fact she looks gorgeous in those hideous 80's styles is only icing on the cake.

Julianna Guill
- While she only has a small part as Bree in Friday the 13th, it is unforgettable. In what amounts to an extended soft core scene, she rocks Trent's world while Jason watches.

Patricia Clarkson
- In Whatever Works, Marietta's transformation from
Bible-thumping southern belle to sexually enlightened New York artist is tantalizing. She attracts men like honey attracts flies. Congratulations, Ms. Clarkson, for being nominated two years running!

Jessica Biel
- Rose Johnny is an exotic dancer who works the pole to keep her infirm son on life support. Easily the best performance of Biel's career; too bad most people will only ever see her sultry stripping scenes.

Eva Mendes-
Even as Frankie, the junkie escort in Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, Eva still manages to be hotter than Louisiana hot sauce. There isn't a man around who wouldn't want to sample this spicy lady.

Scarlett Johansson
- It doesn't take much for Scarlett to play sexy, and in He's Just Not That Into You she doesn't hold back. Anna bats her long lashes, tosses her curly locks, and throws her curvaceous, bendy yoga-teaching self all over Ben, making us all wish we had a 'best friend' like her.

And the award for Sexiest Actress of 2009 goes to:

Tsk, tsk, tsk. You're not ready. Those six ladies are so sexy, you just might explode if you see our winning Sexiest Actress! Reel Whore will kick off the final day of Confessions with our stunning award winner. Don't miss it!


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  1. I saw Julianna Guill in a ep. of CSI: Miami. I was just staring at her...eyes.

  2. You can get lost in those...eyes. I read that she's in Road Trip: Beer Pong. I hadn't planned on watching it, but it might be worth the time investment.

  3. RE Guill - never heard of her, but you might've just given me a reason to watch Friday the 13th. Dayamn.

  4. Dayamn is right! I watched Road Trip: Beer Pong over the weekend solely to know more about her body...of work. She doesn't show anything like she did in Friday the 13th. She plays the gf the guy is thinking of cheating on - easily the dumbest premise ever! I mean, have you seen this chick.

    RT: BP is one you can add to your late night viewing queue, in lieu of Open Water 2. It's mediocre, but Danny Pudi's scenes are pretty funny.