Friday, January 29, 2010

07 of '09: Confessions Part V

Hard to believe we're already up to Day 5 of my 2009 Confessions! Time flies when you're having fun, and recapping my 07 of '09 has been a blast.

The past few days I've focused on the actors and characters of 2009. Today let's switch things up, focusing on those hard-to-forget movie moments. I'm talking about that one moment in the great films, and even those barely tolerable ones, that'll make you want to sit down and watch them all over again.

Award #7: Most Memorable Movie Moments of 2009

Given all the films I see year after year, it takes something pretty amazing to captivate my attention. Surprisingly, every once in a blue moon, even the lamest of films do make a lasting impression. The following award recognizes the best 07 of '09 moments that I still cannot stop thinking about.

The Sloppy Seconds:

Gypsy Curse. Pfft! Beware the Gypsy Gumming!
(Drag Me To Hell)

Mrs. Ganush feels shamed when Christine denies her loan extension. When she shamelessly attacks Christine in her car, the gloves and the dentures come off in one raucous altercation.

Don't Stop to Ask,
You've Found a Break to Make at Last...

If you think Rorschach was a badass, watch as Nite Owl and Silk Spectre annihilate prisoner and guard alike to break out their demented friend, only to meet him wading through a river of his own bloody victims.

The Dazzling and Disorienting Knife Attack
(The Men Who Stare at Goats)

American Jedi Lyn Cassady is versed in all manner of advanced psychic techniques, but the employment of the knife attack is easily his most being unforgettable.

Look Ma, No Hands!
(Paranormal Activity)

You could almost take a nap while waiting for the supernatural presence to take its game to the next level, but when Katie got comfortable, it left her ass on the floor!

Stand Down, Stand In.
Black Dynamite)

During a pool hall fight, Black Dynamite leaves Bullhorn to finish mopping up the thugs. When Bullhorn gets a little too physical, there's a flag on the play followed by a hilarious substitution.

The Trunk Monkey's Got Nothing on Mr. Chow
(The Hangover)

Mr. Chow is a memorable character for many reasons. The scene that most contributed to his success was his full-blown eruption of naked ferocity from a trunk. Someone should ask Bradley Cooper what's it like to get a mouthful of Chinese nuts.

And the Most Memorable Movie Moment of 2009 goes to:

Oh, That's Just What We Call Pillow Talk, Baby, That's All.

(Observe and Report)

Ronnie gets Brandi to agree to his dream date, and despite her initial resistance, the evening takes a fortuitous turn for Ronnie. Some audiences thought this circumstance disturbing; I nearly pissed myself I laughed so hard. Which side of the coin did you land on?

The Que Ridiculo! Award, named in honor of The Big Lebowski, is given to those moments that are just too preposterous to believe. While I understand some films are a plethora of insane moments, even those can cross the line into WTF! territory. There were more than a few wildly unbelievable moments in 2009, but here are the 07 that still have me scratching my head.

Award #8: 2009 Que Ridiculo! Award

The Sloppy Seconds:

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Connor is told he'll be visited by three ghosts. So why, exactly, is the Ghost of Girlfriend Present neither a ghost nor a girlfriend?! Did no one who proofread this cinematic masterpiece pick up on that snafu?

Away We Go
Soon-to-be parents Verona and Burt worry they need more for their child than a rundown car and a shanty with a cardboard window. To remedy the situation, they travel North America to visit their friends and fam
ily to find the perfect home. A great plan, but how do people with a cardboard window afford those tickets, hotels and all the damn baggage fees?

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
There are so, so many ridiculous moments in Transformers, but the Decepticon spy, sexbot Alice, took the cake. A super-powered alien robot capable of destroying most of a college campus goes undercover as a pissy, pouty hot chick to get close enough to Sam to turn into a
super-powered alien robot and destroy most of a college campus. Anyone else see the fault in this logic?

Star Trek
I'm all for the alternate timeline re-imagining. My issue: the fate of humanity and the crew of the Enterprise is at stake, and Pike relinquishes command to stowaway cadet James T. Kirk. Who needs eons of military structure when cocky intuition will do?

All the alternate reality, superpower stuff aside, there's one scene in Watchmen that sticks in my craw. Watching Silk Spectre and Nite Owl bump uglies in the cockpit of Archimedes to Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah creeped me the fuck out. Knowing how much the Reel Whore loves his sex scenes, this was jarringly out of place.

17 Again
When Mike O'Donnell is given the chance to relive his high school years, his popularity grows with every passing day. Then he cockblocks the sex ed teacher with an abstinence speech and finds himself facing his classmates' applause?! It is still 2009, right?

And the winner of the 2009 Que Ridiculo! Award is:

The Haunting in Connecticut

The big reveal in this "based on a true story" horror flick is that the original owners did their part to save the planet by skipping fiberglass insulation and stuffing the walls with dead bodies. How does a Realtor turn that into a selling point:

Matt Campbell: Excuse me, but why are all the walls two feet thick?

Realtor: It's these old homes. They don't build them like they used to!

Matt Campbell: But two feet? You could stack bodies in that much wall space, haha.

Realtor: Nonsense, son. Everyone knows Connecticut building code requires all dead bodies to be encased vertically in walls.

Matt Campbell: (speechless)

I could assume years of dessication have made the putrid stench unnoticeable, but why, oh why, would you stack bodies like sandbags within walls?

Two more days! How much more 07 of '09 can you handle? Join me tomorrow to find out!

Large Association of Movie Blogs


  1. Not to defend what was the worst movie I've seen in theaters in years, but The Haunting in Connecticut explains the bodies as voodoo spirit enhancers or some crap. You'd think mom would have moved once her cunty emo son started getting stigmata.

  2. Oh, I totally get that the bodies are supposed to be supernatural antenna or whatever, but I never understood why some of them were laid in the walls one on top of the other. Did no one filming this think, "How's that even possible?"

    Anytime construction logistics take precedence over paying attention to the big twist, you know the movie sucks.

    Seriously, who wouldn't have bolted the moment the son got stigmata?! Why does Virginia Madsen even make these movies?