07 of '09: Confessions Part IV

And we're back. It's now Day 4 of Confessions of a Reel Whore. This is literally the peak of the event. Can you handle it? If so...


Today's first award is by far one of the most popular presented during my Confessions. It honors those unsung performers who nearly always go unnoticed despite providing one of the most important contributions to the cinematic experience. I am, of course, referring to the animals. To rectify this gross exclusion from the award community it gives the Reel Whore great pleasure to present:

Award #5: Most Memorable Animals: Solo or Ensemble Performance of 2009

Please note: This award only goes to actual animals. CGI animals are not eligible.

The Sloppy Seconds:

Iguanas (Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans) They had to deal with the simultaneous eccentricities of Werner Herzog and Nicolas Cage and still managed stoic performances. That's reason enough for recognition.

Anwar Sadat (I Love You, Man) - I am talking about the pug from I Love You, Man, not the third President of Egypt (although the resemblance is uncanny). Technically, Anwar Sadat could have qualified for the cameo category. Like Lou Ferrigno, he did appear as himself.

The Goats (The Men Who Stare at Goats) - They suffered through the heat of New Mexico alongside George Clooney and Ewan MacGregor with little complaint. The goats seem to be etching a name for themselves in the Hollywood landscape; did you notice they got their photo AND name on the theatrical poster? Impressive.

Poppy the Chihuahua (Easy Virtue) - In Easy Virtue, Poppy, portrayed by Fizz, is true to the nature of his breed, yipping constantly and staying underfoot as duty demanded. One of the perks of the job was getting to have his face planted in Jessica Biel's booty. Come to think of it, Biel's Powder Blue costar got the same perk.

The Tiger (The Hangover) He was an integral element to the fellas' Vegas shenanigans, but he's most deserving of this honor for being subjected to multiple takes while locked in a bathroom with a bare-butt Zach Galifianakis.

The Race Horse (Crank: High Voltage) - During a racy race scene, the horse appears to leap over the otherwise preoccupied Chev and Eve. While the leap was a bit of crafty editing, the horse was called upon to expose himself. That's right; full frontal horse cock. As per the horse's contract, he was given anonymity; he didn't want to get in a whose-is-bigger competition with fellow day player Ron Jeremy.

And the award for Most Memorable Animal: Solo or Ensemble Performance of 2009 goes to:

The Sacrificial Goat

(Drag Me to Hell)

Yet another no-brainer in terms of best 2009 performance and further proof the goat actors guild has acquired representation from the penguins' talent agency. The goat (I apologize, but your name escapes me at the moment) is used in a ritual to vanquish the demon terrorizing Christine. The goat hits the mark every time, rearing with great timing and bleating to intensify the scary circumstances. Of course, a stand-in animatronic goat was used so as not to bring harm to the goat, further proof the GAG is even better represented than Alison Lohman.

After recognizing the best animal performances of the year, I'd be remiss not to mention the greatest creation of a quality film. The efforts of the actor, the writer and the director combine to create a character that makes a lasting impression on the viewer and takes the film to a whole new level. What follows are the 7 best characters this past year.

Award #6: Most Memorable Characters of 2009

The Sloppy Seconds:

Helen (An Education): Rosamund Pike played the epitome of the dumb blond. She didn't always know what her friends were talking about, but as long as she had a drink in her hand and pretty clothes on her back, she could care less.

Kyle Clayton (World's Greatest Dad): Easily the most despicable son anyone could ever imagine. Daryl Sabara's portrayal was brutally cruel, amazingly dumb and incredibly crude - my kind of character.

Dr. Manhattan (Watchmen): He could multiply himself, manipulate time and the fate of the world rested on his shoulders. However, you can sum him up in three words: Big. Blue. Dong.

Mary (Precious): Mary is the kind of lazy, good-for-nothing mother Kyle needed. At the very least, the sight of her in floral-print long johns and high-heeled furry slippers would curb his perverse tendencies.

Mr. Chow (The Hangover): He's hilarious in every movie he does, but Ken Jeong outdid himself as Mr. Chow. With a vertical to rival Michael Jordan, he leapt from the trunk of a car buck-ass naked. It only got funnier from there.

Col. Hans Landa (Inglorious Basterds): Lt. Aldo Raine was quite a character, but it was the cold, calculated Landa audiences will not soon forget. It's like Hannibal Lecter and Anton Chigurh had a love child that somehow got inducted into the Third Reich.

And the award for Most Memorable Character of 2009 goes to:

Alan Garner

(The Hangover)

And he's the most memorable character that anybody could ever have. He's the most memorable character that anyone could have. He's the most memorable...uh, you get the point. Simply put, The Hangover would not be the box-office smash that it was without Zach Galifianakis's Alan Garner. Alan needs his own action figure! It'd speak great lines, be highly articulated for action posing and have kick-ass accessories like sunglasses, a beeper and a spanky satchel! If you see one of these for sale, tell the manufacturer they owe me royalties!

And that's a wrap for Day IV! Don't think the awards are all down hill from here. There's enough stamina left in the 07 of '09 confessions for us all to reach the climax. See you back here tomorrow.