Week of Reel Whorror!: Dead is Better Day 5

 ***The following review is an encore presentation for the Week of Reel Whorror! ***

Zombieland


Release: 10.02.09
Rated R
1 hour, 20 minutes


Full Price



Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg, Adventureland) has managed to survive the zombie apocalypse by following his rigid list of rules, first and foremost being cardio. He's traveling from Texas to Ohio to reunite with his family when he meets Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson, Semi-Pro). The two reluctantly team up to travel to their eastbound destinations. Along the way, the duo encounters sisters Wichita (Emma Stone, Superbad) and Little Rock (Abigail Breslin, Signs) who turn the fellas' post-apocalyptic world upside down, causing them all to end up in Los Angeles.

I've been pondering ways to draft a clever review for Zombieland. I thought recapping the highlights via an extensive list of rules a la Columbus would be neat, but that'd require a lot of structure and discipline.

I could have talked about the trinity of obnoxiousness sitting behind me in the screening. You know the three: Detective Clueless, Mr. Obvious, and The Braying Mule. The first is the dumb chick who asks, Why'd they do that? about every scene. The second is the nimrod best friend to the blind moviegoer, explaining events such as She dropped a piano on him. Finally, you'll recognize the Mule as the fella who is apparently discovering the art of comedy this very moment, causing him to unleash a near-deafening guffaw over a scene no other fucker in the theater found funny.

Yeah, I could berate those tools, but let's not and say I did. What kind of review does Zombieland merit? One that gushes over its high points and forgives its minor foibles. Columbus is a wimp, but his carefulness and ever-expanding rules save him time and again. His physical and social limitations provide some hair-raising and hilarious moments. On the other hand, there's Tallahassee, a reckless action junkie who takes breaks from the road trip to blow off steam and zombie heads. He fills the carnage quotient and his insane quest for Twinkies is a great running gag. Watching the two of them riff off one another is just good fun.


When the ladies are introduced, Little Rock is a trip with her uninformed stance on any and every pop culture reference more than two years old. Wichita is the straight woman, a hardline loner who'd rather this happy band disband so she and her little sis can find peace on their own. The film has one cameo, which steals the thunder from the cast, but given who it is would you expect any less?

Dirty Undies
Told from Columbus's perspective, Zombieland relies on voiceover and montage to bring the audience up to speed. The opening montage front loads the film with action as zombies graphically devour human innards because people fail to adhere to Columbus's rules. Tallahassee's killing sprees are sickeningly creative and Harrelson seems to relish every moment. Wichita is one hot chick with a gun; Emma Stone's bedroom eyes and husky voice may have something to do with that. Somehow director Ruben Fleischer manages to slip in a swinging pair of pastie-clad zombie juggs for pervs like me. The language is as foul as a zombie's breath.

The Money Shot
Zombieland feels every bit as short as its eighty minute runtime, making you wish there were more. One might argue that I may be biased because any movie that pays homage to Ghostbusters is a must-see in my book. Zombieland is far from perfect, but neither the minor makeup and special-effects flaws nor the idiots behind me were enough to curb my enjoyment. The last few movies I've seen were so dull I haven't mustered up the energy to review them; this one was as refreshing as a hot shower or a fresh Twinkie.

Week of Reel Whorror!: Dead is Better Day 2

Re-Animator

Release: 10.18.85
Rated R/UR
1 hour, 26 minutes

Full Price

Yesterday, I posted about the forefather film of the zombie genre. Now it's time to examine a film based on the forerunner of zombies in fictional storytelling, H.P. Lovecraft's Herbert West-Reanimator.

Dan Cain (Bruce Abbott, Prophecy II) is a medical student at Miskatnoic University. He works hard and tries not to piss off the Dean; he's already on thin ice for dating his daughter, Megan (Barbara Crampton, Puppetmaster). Along comes Herbert West (Jeffrey Combs, The Frighteners), a creepy student who transferred from Switzerland after there "was no more to learn there." Despite the weird vibe Herbert gives off, Dan rents him a room. When Dan discovers Herbert using a special reagent to revive dead tissue, he joins the mad student in his quest to make medical history, though it may mean their medical careers become history.

Director Stuart Gordon (Honey, I Shrunk the Kids) blends the horror and comedy of the Re-Animator tale to gross, cheesy goodness. The actors lay their characters' emotions and reactions on thick, but it works perfectly for the film. It's hilarious that everyone is instantly disturbed by Herbert, which is believable thanks to Combs's excellent freak-stare. While Dan and Herbert may walk in the shades of gray of their research, the reactions are cut and dried.

On equally creepy footing with Combs is Dr. Carl Hill (David Gale, The First Power), the professor who's outshined by West's genius and Dan's charisma. The way he leers and sneers is simply delectable.

Dirty Undies

Re-Animator is as gory and violent as it is goofy fun. Burnt, bloodied cadavers rise up and run around bashing in the brains of anyone they get their hands on. Their reanimated rage is made doubly awesome because, as cadavers, they've all been stored buck-ass naked and the living dead aren't concerned with covering their junk before they mangle someone. If you prefer your flesh with a little ruddier complexion, Megan bares flesh and bush in the name of entertainment. This kind of movie a reel whore can get behind.

The Money Shot

Far-fetched? Absolutely. While some of the make-up effects are great for the time, many (ahem, Dan's bruised face) are atrocious. In the end, though, things like cheesy make-up and hokey reactions don't matter. The movie takes itself so seriously, despite its absurdity, it's admirable. Rumor is there's a new installment being released this year. To that I say, long live Herbert West!

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Week of Reel Whorror!: Dead is Better Day 1

White Zombie

Release: 08.04.32
Rated NR
1 hour, 7 minutes

Full Price

White Zombie is the first feature film about zombies. What better way to start my week of zombie goodness than with the one that started it all?

While visiting Port-au-Prince, lovebirds Madeline (Madge Bellamy) and Neil (John Harron) are befriended by the wealthy Monsieur Beaumont (Robert Frazer) who invites them to be married at his plantation. Little do they know he seeks to woo Madeline from her betrothed. When his attempts fail, he enlists the witch doctor Legendre (Bela Lugosi, Dracula) to make her magically swoon. Legendre, with his own schemes, transforms Madeline into a zombie. Her undeath mortifies Beaumont, just as her death crushes Neil; that is, until a local priest convinces Neil she may not be lost to him.

I'm usually not one for movies made before the sixties, but White Zombie is pretty damned spiffy. First off, the zombies of this film aren't what is typically pictured when you hear the word. The zombies of White Zombie are labeled the walking dead, but they are actually people who have been placed under some sort of mind control by the local witch doctor using Haitian voodoo, which is a combination of a potion, his zombie eyes and his zombie grip. That may sound preposterous, but when you see Lugosi's Legendre assume his menacing zombie stance, it does seem plausible

Dirty Undies

Seeing Madeline in her silk undergarments as she dressed for her wedding may have been a bit taboo for the time, but we see far more skin on ABC Family nowadays. The zombie cast assembled were a pretty creepy gaggle of guys,especially the former executioner, Chauvin (Frederick Peters). From what I've read, the most frightening concept in White Zombie, aside from the ambling, blank-eyed undead, is that these creatures cannot be stopped by a bullet!

The Money Shot

White Zombie is far from a cinematic masterpiece, but considering it was filmed in just 11 days using borrowed props from other horror films, it's damn good. I'm glad I can now say I have seen the originator of the zombie genre. It may not be the best of the bunch, but it kick-started an undying genre.

(Sorry, I couldn't help myself!) 
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A Quickie: The Expendables

The Expendables


Release: 08.13.10
Rated R
1 hour, 43 minutes


Full Price



Lee Christmas (Jason Statham, The Transporter), Ying Yang (Jet Li, The One), Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren, Universal Solider), Toll Road (Randy Couture, Redbelt) and Hale Ceasar (Terry Crews, Idiocracy) are a band of highly skilled mercenaries led by Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone, Rambo). Barney's group, the Expendables, is tapped by a mysterious man known only as Mr. Church (Bruce Willis, Die Hard) to overthrow the dictator of a South American island. After a recon gone wrong, Barney and Christmas must leave their rebel contact, Sandra (Giselle Itié), behind. Though a suicide mission, Barney, haunted by Sandra's compassion and most ample bosom, decides to unseat General Garza (David Zayas, TV: Dexter) and the island's true threat, James Munroe (Eric Roberts, The Dark Knight).

For action movies, a single, simple premise can spawn a wealth of carnage, and The Expendables, by writer-director Sylvester Stallone (Rocky Balboa) and writer Dave Callaham (The Horsemen), does exactly that. Sly's Barney is a mercenary with a good heart; his men know this, and will follow him to the bitter end. A speech by the now retired Tool (Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler) adds just enough emotional heft to legitimize the ensuing insanity. The camaraderie between the fellas feels authentic and plays well, even if you can't always hear the witty jibes above the hail of gunfire.

And, oh yes, how the bullets do fly. And knives. And grenades. And bodies. Oh, the bodies. Just during their recon, Barney and Christmas manage to annihilate forty or so of the general's soldiers and they were barely even trying. You can only imagine how much bloodshed there was when the entire team returned, armed to the teeth. It's not all a blur of gunfire and splatter; audiences get to relish at least five mano-a-mano confrontations featuring the various team members.

Dolph Lundgren chews up the scenery as the off-his-rocker Gunner almost as much as Eric Roberts does as the evil mastermind. It's amazing there was any film stock left to shoot the scenes they shared together! On the flip side, the Barney and Christmas rivalry felt like Stallone, the Godfather of action, passing along the torch to the younger Statham. From the ass-whooping scenes Statham was given in The Expendables, he is definitely up to the task.

If you're looking for pure unadulterated action, look no further than The Expendables. Stallone and the crew deliver everything the trailers promised and more. I for one can't wait to see what other great action legends are included in the next edition of the mercenaries' saga.

I Love It When a Movie Comes Together!

The A-Team


Release: 06.11.10
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 57 minutes


Full Price



When a mission in Mexico goes south for Templeton 'Faceman' Peck (Bradley Cooper, The Hangover), Hannibal Smith (Liam Neeson, (Taken) recruits the aid of disgraced Ranger B.A. Baracus (Midnight Meat Train) and pilot H.M. "Howling Mad" Murdock (Sharlto Copley, District 9), to complete the job and pull Peck's ass out of the fire. Eight years and eighty successful missions later, the guys are unofficially recruited for a black ops mission; a mission that goes, to put it lightly, badly. The A-Team, now incarcerated in separate maximum-security installations, promptly escape in an effort to clear their names.

Given the formulaic nature of the A-Team television series, the camaraderie of the cast had to be on-point to attract audiences. And for nearly one hundred episodes, it was. The great thing about the feature length movie is Neeson, Cooper, Jackson and Copley strike that same harmonious chord. Mind-bending missions, thrilling chases, and daring escapes work so well because the foursome jibe and antagonize one another as if they were genuinely the best of friends.

A relationship that doesn't work onscreen is between Peck and Sosa (Jessica Biel, Stealth). There is a complete lack of chemistry. An exchange in a photo booth between the two was uber-creepy instead of romantically tense. Maybe the extreme close-ups during that sequence failed to capture any emotion, but I fear there wasn't any spark to film. Given that Sosa is external to the guys' plight, she can easily be written out of future installments.

Dirty Undies
With respect to the thrill factor, director Joe Carnahan (Smokin Aces) has a above average handle on crafting an action flick. That said, my one quibble, one that I often have with contemporary action movies, is once you set the bar for a certain level of over-the-top scenarios, don't exponentially surpass those constraints. Case in point? The finale, which strains even the most liberal reality.

The uneven quality of the special effects and choppy edits plagued many of the outlandish sequences. At times I was caught up in the riptide of hard-hitting action while other times, the shoddy look of the scene took me totally out of the moment. It didn't ruin my overall enjoyment of the A-Team; it's just something to be mindful of in future installments.

The Money Shot
Children and adults of the eighties know all too well that if you had a problem, if no one else could help, and if you could find them, maybe you could hire the crack commando unit known as the A-Team. Hollywood reached out to these boys and they have rescued the summer box office from being a complete wash.

A Quickie: Iron Man 2

Iron Man 2


Release: 05.07.10
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 4 minutes


Full Price

Picking up shortly after the end of the first installment, Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr., Sherlock Holmes) sits before a Senate sub-committee that strongly encourages him to relinquish the Iron Man weapon into the responsible hands of the U.S. government. Contrarily, Stark believes the technology too advanced to be duplicated...until a psychotic Russian, Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke, Sin City), shows up sporting a spanky arc reactor-fueled weapon of his own. Add to the government, villains, and rival company woes the pesky side effects of having an arc reactor implanted in his chest, and it's uncertain if Tony Stark, the man or the machine, can withstand the pressure.

RDJ still shines as the quick-witted, charismatic Stark. Don Cheadle (After the Sunset) replaces Terrence Howard as Stark's best bud, Rhodey. Apparently, Howard's head got too big to fit into the War Machine suit and producers had to let him go. Cheadle slips easily into the rhythm of director Jon Favreau's (Elf) story. Much like the first Iron Man, that rhythm is a fast-talking, explosive action flick, except for the chewy marshmallow center that audiences must gum through to reach the big-bang bonanza of an ending.

In that center, Scarlett Johansson (The Spirit) gets to kick butt and look good doing it; Gwyneth Paltrow (Emma) gets wasted as pouty Potts; and Sam Rockwell (Choke) sleazes it up as Tony's industrial nemesis. Audiences learn Tony gets his pompous attitude from his pop, Mad Men's own Roger Sterling, a.k.a. John Slattery. Audiences lax in basic logistics won't be bothered when Stark saddles up to race in the Monaco Grand Prix or turns his focus to nucleosynthesis using fifty foot of pipe and a monkey wrench.

So, a few plot elements are outrageous, but isn't this a story about a billionaire genius who flies around saving innocents in a homemade contraption? Since there is no such heroic lovechild of Richard Branson, Harrison Ford and Leonardo DaVinci in the real world, audiences can instead enjoy the wondrous CGI spectacle of Robert Downey, Jr as Iron Man.

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A Quickie: My Name is Khan

My Name is Khan


Release: 02.12.10 ltd.
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 45 minutes


Full Price

Rizwan Khan (Shahrukh Khan) is a Muslim who also suffers from Asperger's syndrome. Khan (that's pronounced "Khan from the epiglottis," by the way), moves from Mumbai to San Francisco with the help of his younger brother, Zafir (Jimmy Shergill). Zafir also gets him a job selling beauty products. On his route, Khan meets a Hindu woman, Mandira (Kajol), and falls in love.

Rizwan, Mandira, and her son Sam (Yuvaan Makaar) live a happy, suburban life until the tragedies of 9-11 taint people's opinions of them. The events that follow lead to Khan embarking on a cross-country trek to meet the President and tell him plainly, "My name is Khan, and I am not a terrorist."

This was my first official Bollywood film and I was not disappointed. This was due in large part to the engrossing performance of Shahrukh Khan. The film relies on his portrayal and a considerable amount of voice-over narration to relate the emotions Khan is not able to convey. The sadness of Khan's plight would almost be too much to bear, except that it is thrown off balance by the woefully ridiculous stereotypes Khan encounters.

A southern black mother complete with apron and head wrap, and a government interrogator who knows Khan's as guilty as his skin is brown are just two of the many one-sided characters. You can forgive these cardboard cut-outs because they are not the story; Khan is. Khan's quest is incredibly heart-breaking and uplifting, and Shahrukh Khan's presence makes every step of his journey felt.

Movie Menage: Shutter Island

Sometimes the Reel Whore likes a little company in the dark of the theater. Though the interwebs bring us closer, reviewers cannot always bed down together for a post. With the Movie Menage, I surreptitiously pluck a couple of reviews from fellow LAMBs and other film bloggers. These brief blurbs coupled with the Reel Whore take constitute a critique à trois, if you will. Getting three opinions of a film tossed together should be better than one, right?

Shutter Island
Release: 02.19.10
Rated R
2 hours, 18 minutes

Full Price

U.S. Marshal Teddy Daniels (Leonardo DiCaprio, The Departed) and his partner, Chuck Aule (Mark Ruffalo, Zodiac), arrive at Shutter Island, an institution for the criminally insane, to investigate the strange disappearance of a patient. Once there, Teddy tries to dig deeper into the hospital's shady practices only to be met with repeated resistance from the hospital head, Dr. Cawley (Ben Kingsley, The Wackness). As a hurricane rages outside, Teddy worries Cawley and the staff may be conspiring against him.

The first of our lovers trio:

...The film started out kind of slow - it had a lot of dialogue in the beginning. Now, this is the type of movie that you need to pay attention to as there are many characters being introduced. Also, it's also set up as a sort of detective type movie.

From an audience perspective, it had kind of an eerie feeling and was very Alfred Hitchcock in style. (If you've seen this Hitchcock movie, which is among my favorites, the style is very similar).

Watch this gurl work the hell out of Shutter Island...


Joining in the fun is our second partner:

...Shutter Island delivers payoffs. Patience is required, especially through an abundance of expository dialogue, but when the film's questions are answered, the trip was worth taking. Kalogridis' script (based on Lehane's novel) spins a labyrinthian tale of mystery, deceit, and paranoia. Scorsese's visuals compliment the writing through its complexity of the writing. Pay close attention to the visuals, and especially the editing, and you'll appreciate the film much more than those who don't.

Head here for elgringo's explosive finish!


Have you ever tackled a 1000-piece puzzle? You go to the store and find one with an appealing image. The foreground is covered in colorful gardens with lush weeping willows while a meandering cobblestone trail leads to a looming castle in the distance. With such distinct sections, it should be easy to assemble. Then you get it home, dump it on the table and realize just how damn huge the sections of clear blue sky and grassy knolls are! Watching Shutter Island is as challenging as tackling that 1000-piece puzzle.

I'd seen trailers for this film fifty times over the past year, and was confident all the major plot points had been mapped out. Shutter Island proves that you may have all the pieces, but it's not satisfying until everything fits together. Director Martin Scorsese (Goodfellas) uses his masterful attention to editing, cinematography and symbolism to create a tense, enthralling story.

DiCaprio gives an excellent (and exceptionally athletic) performance as the easy-to-anger detective. The supporting characters are played by a slew of skillful character actors; Max von Sydow (Judge Dredd), John Carroll Lynch (Fargo), Ted Levine (Silence of the Lambs), Jackie Earle Haley (Little Children), Emily Mortimer (Match Point), Elias Koteas (Fallen) and Patricia Clarkson (Pieces of April). I wouldn't normally do such a laundry list of actors, but they're all that good. Of them all, Michelle Williams's (The Station Agent) role is the one that stuck with me most; it reminds me she's the most talented actor to emerge from Dawson's Creek.

Shutter Island is a mystery set to a slow boil. Scorsese hand selected the ingredients and triple checked the recipe to prepare a story to stimulate your palate. Sure, McShyamalan's has served over a billion twists, but Scorsese's thriller really satisfies.

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Dig Deeper, Watson.

Sherlock Holmes


Release: 12.25.09
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 8 minutes


Full Price



Sherlock Holmes (Robert Downey, Jr., Wonder Boys), the man and the movie, hit the ground running. Holmes skulks in the shadows, hot on the trail of evil-doers as they congregate for an unholy sacrifice. Holmes and his partner, Dr. Watson (Jude Law, Closer), swing into action before Inspector Lestrade (Eddie Marsan, V for Vendetta) and Scotland Yard arrive, stopping the fiendish killer Lord Blackwood (Mark Strong, RocknRolla) from taking another life.

Given a lack of challenging cases, Holmes becomes bored until the now dead Blackwood is spotted rising from the grave. As people die at the hands of the reborn madman, Holmes and Watson must discover the truth behind the black magic, if they can keep their own personal issues and Holmes's old flame, Irene Adler (Rachel McAdams, State of Play), from throwing him off his game.

Sherlock is exhilarating and Downey is excellent, as always. The banter and strained camaraderie between Holmes and Watson is engaging and reminds me of the tried and true buddy mash-ups. The details and plot are intricate and carefully laid, ensuring a satisfying resolution to the supernatural mystery.

Why, then, did I leave Sherlock Holmes feeling it lacked something? The slow-motion, annotated prelude to Sherlock's plans was stylish and enhanced the impact of the fight scenes. The momentum of the story rarely falters; witty dialogue and random action sequences are plentiful.

The problem is that it feels like every minute of its two hour and eight minute runtime. Sometimes that's just the way it is. For example, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was an excellently made film, but damned if I could sit through it again. I wondered if Sherlock Holmes would have been on point if director Guy Ritchie (Snatch) had trimmed fifteen to twenty minutes.

Dirty Undies
As much as I hate to say this, Ritchie could have made Sherlock Holmes snappier had he cut Rachel McAdams. Though she is lovely and saucy as Adler, her character does nothing more than establish a premise for the sequel. For pete's sake, save those glimpses for Sherlock Holmes II: The Holmes Field Advantage!

The Money Shot
All in all, there's nothing wrong with Sherlock Holmes. Good story, good action and solid performances. I heartily recommend laying down some coin at the box office to give it a go. However, I hold no such claim for future sequels...I feel a jumbled, bloated Pirates trilogy on the horizon.

LAMBScore:

Movie Menage: The Brothers Bloom

Sometimes the Reel Whore likes a little company in the dark of the theater. Though the interwebs bring us closer, reviewers cannot always bed down together for a post. With the Movie Menage, I surreptitiously pluck a couple of reviews from fellow LAMBs and other film bloggers. These brief blurbs coupled with the Reel Whore take constitute a critique à trois, if you will. Getting three opinions of a film tossed together should be better than one, right?

Brothers Bloom

Release: 05.15.09
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 54 minutes
Full Price

Ever since they were children, Stephen (Mark Ruffalo, Zodiac) and his little brother Bloom (Adrien Brody, Hollywoodland) have been running cons. Stephen is the maestro; he has a knack for crafting the most elaborate and successful cons. Though, much of the credit goes to Bloom and his ability to embody the character Stephen creates, thus swindling their every mark. Over the years, Bloom feels he's lost his true identity and retires. Stephen refuses to let Bloom rest and convinces him to join in one last great con to swindle the eccentric Penelope Stamp (Rachel Weisz, Confidence) out of her millions.


The first of our lovers trio:


... The Brothers Bloom, Rian Johnson’s follow-up to 2005’s Brick, is kind of a difficult film to assess because it is equal parts enjoyable and frustratingly over-plotted. It’s like a sketch on Saturday Night Live that’s really good and funny but then just doesn’t know how or when to stop and so fizzles itself out. That being said, while its weaknesses keep it from being a really great movie, its strengths are enough to qualify it as a good movie. Besides, anything that starts with a voice-over by Ricky Jay can’t be all bad.

Let's go get cozy with this chick and her flick.


Joining in the fun is our second partner:


... The critical success of Rian Johnson’s Brick gave him a lot of freedom for his second feature film The Brothers Bloom. Unfortunately, like a lot of other directors, with this new found freedom of better actors, and a higher budget, this writer/director fell into some of the same pitfalls as directors like Guy Ritchie: all style, very little substance. Johnson himself stated that he based his three main characters on those of Homer’s Odyssey. If this isn’t representative of his expectations for his film, I don’t know what is.

See Blake make Brothers Bloom his bitch.


Writer-director Rian Johnson (Brick) creates the cleverest of tales in Brothers Bloom. Excellent performances are given all around. Brothers even helped improve my low opinion of Brody and Weisz. Bang Bang (Rinko Kikuchi, Babel), the brothers' silent prodigy with the eccentric fashion sense, is funny, foxy and easily my favorite.

Brothers suffers from the same problem that plagues many a heist film; the creator twists the tale one time too many. Someone should have told Johnson that when you spare the editing, you spoil the film.

Johnson's last flourish didn't ruin Brothers, he just throws thee tone and rhythm one comes to expect in a heist off kilter. Still, the dialogue and situations presented in Brothers are exciting and amusing. For that, I'd easily watch this again (well, and for Kikuchi, too).

Revolutionary Road...With Latkes

A Serious Man


Release: 10.02.09
Rated R
1 hour, 45 minutes


Full Price



Larry Gopnik (Michael Stuhlbarg), a Jewish physics professor in Minnesota, confesses to his Korean student that despite teaching the physics behind Schrödinger's cat, even he doesn't get the story. Larry doesn't get a lot of things; why his wife wants a divorce, why her new man is so considerate, why the junior rabbi really likes the parking lot. Larry just wants things to go back to the way they were, but once you've looked inside the box, you can't make a dead cat live again.

I watched A Serious Man several days ago and have been scratching my head ever since. Thanks to earlier Coen Brothers films, I have learned to absorb every onscreen detail because it's all important. That's probably why it came as such a shock when the credits abruptly rolled. I was engrossed by the myriad of untimely events unfolding for Larry and his family, and then, nothing. I felt like shouting in my best Professor G.H. Dorr impersonation, "We must all have closure, forthwith!"

It was irksome to be left hanging. Obviously, while analyzing the amazing visuals I had somehow missed the big picture. I retraced my viewing experience, trying to decipher the dybbuk tale that preceded Larry's story. I started to just let it go and accept my co-worker's assertion that A Serious Man "is a little too Jewish." Deep down I knew better. I broke down and read the review posted at Movie Reviews by FAQ. Her brief but concise Q&A limbered my mind; my thinking about the film, man, had become uptight.

A Serious Man follows Larry, a man who assumes life is good until it's proven otherwise. Larry can't find a logical explanation as to why his life seems cursed; it just is. Faith and family provide him with answers yet he refuses to see them. This seemingly abrupt look into the life of Larry is simply saying life is what you make of it. It's an especially poignant statement at a time in our country when folks find themselves with less and less.

The Money Shot
There are those of us who say when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Others will say, unless it gives you sugar, your lemonade is going to suck.Still others will say, fuck lemons! I am probably still only scratching at the surface of because it's not an easily accessible film. That's the beauty (and frustration) of A Serious Man: you have to accept the mystery before the answers reveal themselves.

I've Seen Shit That'll Turn You White

Paranormal Activity


Release: 10.16.09
Rated R
1 hour, 26 minutes


Full Price



Have you ever had a mouse in your house? The squeaking, scratching or scurrying about can be heard late at night when your home is dark and silent. Once you recognize those tell-tale signs, there are two plans of action: call a professional exterminator or sack up to do the job yourself.

Basically, that's what's happening in Paranormal Activity, except the mouse is a supernatural creature who has been haunting Katie (Katie Featherston) since she was eight. Now, she's a college student living with her boyfriend Micah (Micah Sloat), who purchased a swanky camera to verify his girlfriend's claims. Once things start going bump, Katie calls in a psychic, Dr. Fredrichs (Mark Fredrichs), who instructs the couple on their options. Micah, however, is determined to run his own house and stamp out the paranormal pest himself.

Buzz surrounding Paranormal Activity has gone nuclear over the past few weeks. By the time I bought my ticket, the expectation that it was going to be the most frightening, panic-inducing thrill ride I'd ever experienced was hard to tamp down. Luckily, the film lives up to the hype. Fledgling writer-director Oren Peli removes all the flash and spectacle and brought his horror story back to the creepy basics. Each night when the couple set up their camera and went to bed, I couldn't help but anxiously await the creaks and whispers that echoed through the house.

During the waking hours, Katie retells memories of the shadowy presence that haunts her and Micah educates himself in the occult. His need to fight versus her desire for flight builds excellent tension as the events intensify with each passing night.

My eyes were glued to the screen, expecting the situation to erupt at any moment, until I thought I was going to spew. For the first time in my movie-watching life, the shaky-cam caused a wave of nausea. The sensation was never intense enough to send me running from the theater, but the constant camera swaying made the last half hour harder to enjoy.

Dirty Undies
They say the lack of a focal point in shaky-cam filming causes the nausea. I think the combination of Micah's unsteady hand and Katie's bouncing bosom made me see-sick. Now that I think of it, footage of some pre-paranormal fornication would have been a plus. Sadly, Paranormal Activity is severely deficient in the gratuitous gore and nudity you might expect.

The Money Shot
Peli knocked it out of the park with his first attempt. If it wasn't been for the camera-induced queasiness, I'd be giving Paranormal Activity a rave review. Peli builds a winning horror story using classic bump-in-the-night techniques in lieu of splattering the screen with a coat of fresh blood. Though the current ending varies from the original (most likely changed in preparation of inferior sequels), neither that, nor the hype, should frighten you away from experiencing Paranormal Activity.

LAMBScore:

Week of Reel Whorror!: Pointless Nostalgia Day 4

Welcome to Day 4 of the

Week of Reel WHorror!

If you recognize that weirdo mug above, you already know what today's movie selection is. The following is more of a confession of silliness on my part than a real anecdote. Back in middle school, I was on the basketball team. And frankly, I sucked. Come to think of it a lot of us did since most of the points in every game were scored by the same two players. For those unfamiliar with the times, this was back in our country's history when if you sucked, you didn't get participation trophies, you got ridiculed and you felt like shit for stinking up the court.

You can imagine what a neat fantasy it was for me, when I was stepping onto the court, to hope that I'd get into some sort of tussle over the ball only to lose my cool and wolf out, wolf up, wolf-it, like Michael J. Fox did in Teen Wolf. I know; you're thinking, you so crazy! But seriously, think about it: we were the wildcats with dark-green-on-yellow uniforms; the Beavers wore dark-blue-on-yellow. Both teams sucked. And for those who don't know, my last name is Howard, just like Scott and his father Harold. A silly fantasy? Definitely. But what kid (or hell, adult for that matter) doesn't wish they had some cool power to get them through tough times? You may laugh, but I'd love to hear you 'fess up your flights of whimsy. Until you muster the courage, let's take a quick look at:


Teen Wolf


Release: 08.23.85
DVD Release: 09.01.00
Rated PG
1 hour, 31 minutes


Full Price


Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox, Back to the Future) is a below-average high school student. He sucks at basketball, he struggles with classes and wishes the hot girl in school would say two words to him. Like the tagline reads, he always wanted to be special...but he never expected this! One night, Scott discovers he carries the dominant trait for lycanthropy. It's not long before he loses his temper on the b-ball court and wolfs out in front of the student body. His new abilities enhance his athleticism, academics and social life. It's everything Scott ever wanted, so why isn't he happy?

"It didn't pass me by. It landed on my face!"

That simple premise, penned by comic book writer Jeph Loeb (Commando) and Matthew Weisman (Commando), is performed brilliantly by Fox. Though in his mid-twenties at the time, his boyish looks pass for high school age, unlike his rival, Mick McAllister (Mark Arnold), who was twenty-seven going on forty-two. That's what made the 80's, and even current high school films, great, right? Inappropriately aged actors trying to pull off awkward, underdeveloped teenagers.

Speaking of developed, Boof (Susan Ursitti) was a Q-T! She had a kinda Phoebe Cates vibe working for her. Had Scott seen Fast Times at Ridgemont High, he wouldn't have paid ol' what's-her-face any attention.


Though he doesn't get around much now, James Hampton (Sling Blade), who plays Scott's dad Harold, was a wonderful That Guy of the time. At least, I thought of him as such even before that term was around. He provides excellent fatherly wisdom and even gets to paraphrase Stan Lee's famous "with great power comes great responsibility" - no doubt an homage from Loeb. Another nifty homage is the nod to Saturday Night Fever, though I don't recall any of my friends doing the "Big Bad Wolf" at our dances.

While I'm doling out shout-outs, a special nod goes to Tom Adcock and Jeff Glosser who, respectively, were the dance double and basketball double that helped make Wolf-Scott so friggin' cool!

Teen Wolf only hints at the growing distance between Wolf-Scott and his friend Lewis (Matt Adler, Dream a Little Dream) that may have made the story more well-rounded. However, adding in those scenes might have thrown off the pacing and it's hard to beat a movie that effectively hits its marks and rolls credits by the ninetieth minute.

A few things could have been better explained. For example, how could an exceptionally sucky basketball team pull out a win without their supernaturally-enhanced point guard? For me, it doesn't matter because Teen Wolf was during a simpler time, when PG movies could feature underage drinking and scenes of sexuality. Ah, those were the days.

Rule #32: Enjoy the Little Things

Zombieland


Release: 10.02.09
Rated R
1 hour, 20 minutes


Full Price




Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg, Adventureland) has managed to survive the zombie apocalypse by following his rigid list of rules, first and foremost being cardio. He's traveling from Texas to Ohio to reunite with his family when he meets Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson, Semi-Pro). The two reluctantly team up to travel to their eastbound destinations. Along the way, the duo encounters sisters Wichita (Emma Stone, Superbad) and Little Rock (Abigail Breslin, Signs) who turn the fellas' post-apocalyptic world upside down, causing them all to end up in Los Angeles.

I've been pondering ways to draft a clever review for Zombieland. I thought recapping the highlights via an extensive list of rules a la Columbus would be neat, but that'd require a lot of structure and discipline.

I could have talked about the trinity of obnoxiousness sitting behind me in the screening. You know the three: Detective Clueless, Mr. Obvious, and The Braying Mule. The first is the dumb chick who asks, Why'd they do that? about every scene. The second is the nimrod best friend to the blind moviegoer, explaining events such as She dropped a piano on him. Finally, you'll recognize the Mule as the fella who is apparently discovering the art of comedy this very moment, causing him to unleash a near-deafening guffaw over a scene no other fucker in the theater found funny.

Yeah, I could berate those tools, but let's not and say I did. What kind of review does Zombieland merit? One that gushes over its high points and forgives its minor foibles. Columbus is a wimp, but his carefulness and ever-expanding rules save him time and again. His physical and social limitations provide some hair-raising and hilarious moments. On the other hand, there's Tallahassee, a reckless action junkie who takes breaks from the road trip to blow off steam and zombie heads. He fills the carnage quotient and his insane quest for Twinkies is a great running gag. Watching the two of them riff off one another is just good fun.


When the ladies are introduced, Little Rock is a trip with her uninformed stance on any and every pop culture reference more than two years old. Wichita is the straight woman, a hardline loner who'd rather this happy band disband so she and her little sis can find peace on their own. The film has one cameo, which steals the thunder from the cast, but given who it is would you expect any less?

Dirty Undies
Told from Columbus's perspective, Zombieland relies on voiceover and montage to bring the audience up to speed. The opening montage front loads the film with action as zombies graphically devour human innards because people fail to adhere to Columbus's rules. Tallahassee's killing sprees are sickeningly creative and Harrelson seems to relish every moment. Wichita is one hot chick with a gun; Emma Stone's bedroom eyes and husky voice may have something to do with that. Somehow director Ruben Fleischer manages to slip in a swinging pair of pastie-clad zombie juggs for pervs like me. The language is as foul as a zombie's breath.

The Money Shot
Zombieland feels every bit as short as its eighty minute runtime, making you wish there were more. One might argue that I may be biased because any movie that pays homage to Ghostbusters is a must-see in my book. Zombieland is far from perfect, but neither the minor makeup and special-effects flaws nor the idiots behind me were enough to curb my enjoyment. The last few movies I've seen were so dull I haven't mustered up the energy to review them; this one was as refreshing as a hot shower or a fresh Twinkie.

Third Time's Charming Enough

Funny People


Release: 07.31.09
Rated R
2 hours, 16 minutes


Full Price



Ira Wright (Seth Rogen, Observe & Report) is a struggling comedian who makes ends meet by working at a deli counter. During open mic night at the Improv, Ira's set is bumped by an impromptu set by his idol, veteran comedian George Simmons (Adam Sandler, Spanglish). George's appearance is precipitated by his shock at learning he is dying of terminal leukemia. After an awkward exchange post-show, George offers Ira a job as his joke writer and personal assistant. George is looking to turn over a new leaf before it's too late and Ira's looking for his big break, but neither can handle what they find.

Aside from Sandler and Rogen, the latest story penned and directed by Judd Apatow (The 40 Year Old Virgin) features tons of great actors, in addition to Apatow's immediate family: wife Leslie Mann (Drillbit Taylor) and their daughters Maude (Knocked Up)and Iris Apatow (Knocked Up). Ira and his more successful buds, Mark (Jason Schwartzman, I Heart Huckabees) and Leo (usual suspect Jonah Hill, Superbad) oscillate between witty bantering and bitter bickering as if they were goofy, annoying roomies in real life. Eric Bana (Munich) plays Mann's husband Clarke, having a blast while using his Aussie accent (for a change). The film has many other funny people in small roles like Aziz Ansari (Observe & Report) and Aubrey Plaza (TV: Parks & Recreation), but the film has a metric ton of awesome cameos from comedians, actors and musicians from Apatow's personal Rolodex. If anyone tries to ruin more than one of these, you should promptly punch them in the face and proceed to the theater to savor the hilarity for yourself.

Funny People is strongest when illustrating the comedians' varied lifestyles. Ira struggles to hone his craft while eking out a living and a life. Then there's Mark's shameless TV stardom and the lifestyle it affords him. Both seem insignificant when compared to George's level of paparazzi celebrity, which have blessed him with insanely plush trappings. In contrast, Ira is far more honest and emotional than George has ever been. This often strained relationship feels grown from a cornerstone of reality from a writer who's familiar with the challenges of a comedian's rise to fame.

What also rings true is George's desire to reconnect with his one true love. Here's where Funny People falters. I loved watching Mann, Bana, Rogen and Sandler make dramatic comedy on the subject of infidelity and second chances, but it adds significant length to an already lengthy story. I have to admit, the Apatow daughters are adorable, but it's obvious that daddy was not impartial enough to leave many of their extraneous scenes on the cutting-room floor.

Dirty Undies
I wonder if Apatow is looking to break some sort of record for the most times someone says fuck or refers to their dick. By the time Funny People ends, I felt I could describe, in disturbing detail, the width, length, blemish and curve of every star's cock. It's not because they whipped them out for measuring; they just referenced them so frequently you can't help but form an unimpressive image in your mind. Apatow makes a feeble attempt to detract from the cock talk with a nice pair of boobs, but once you've got a picture of Rogen's thickie etched on your mind's wall, there ain't no washing it off.

The Money Shot
Funny People has a biographical, possibly autobiographical, quality. It's this realism that makes an Apatow film more rich and accessible than a typical goofy comedy. But his third cinematic child suffers from a lack of tough love necessary to make it extraordinary. Despite these small stumbles, watching comedians shuck and jive in even the worst of situations makes for solid cinema.

A Quickie: A Perfect Getaway

A Perfect Getaway


Release: 08.07.09
Rated R
1 hour, 37 minutes


Full Price

Cliff (Steve Zahn, Joy Ride) and Cydney (Milla Jovovich, Resident Evil), are gathering supplies to embark on a three-day hike along a gorgeous Hawaii trail to a secluded beach. En route they stop for hitchhikers Kale (Chris Hemsworth, Star Trek) and Cleo (Marley Shelton, Death Proof), but Cliff's wariness nixes giving them a lift. Along the trail, they meet Nick (Timothy Olyphant, Hitman) and are told by other hikers that the cops are searching for a couple who murdered some honeymooners back in Honolulu. Sticking with the survivalist Nick seems a good idea, until they meet his better half, Gina (Kiele Sanchez, Stuck on You).

The tagline for A Perfect Getaway effectively sums up the premise; 6 strangers, 2 killers, no getting away. Writer-director David Twohy (The Arrival) flexes mad skills by crafting equally compelling arguments for each couple to be labeled the killers, but is excellent at playing his cards close to his chest. The banter between Cliff, the screenplay writer, and Nick, the self-described American Jedi, is garnished with occasional literary devices; Twohy almost seems to be flaunting his story's excellent structure.

When the truth is revealed, Twohy uses a series of blue-tinged flashbacks to fill in the missing blanks. The washed out color grew off-putting and some of the flashbacks could have been replaced with dialogue in the first two acts had Twohy spent a little less time ingratiating himself.

The final act's action is tight, gruesome and violent, and leaves you wanting more. Having seen way too many movies, it's hard to find a thriller that keeps me riveted, but A Perfect Getaway did just that. To Twohy for accomplishing this feat, may I quote Nick when I say, "Outstanding."

Double Team'd: The Rockwell Films

More and more frequently it seems we find actors in multiple movies releasing within mere weeks of one another. By far the prize for the most contrast between said films goes to Sam Rockwell who plays a lonely astronaut in an enthralling indie and a Special Forces guinea pig in an eye-straining 3D kid's film. What better time for Sam Rockwell to get Double Team'd?


Moon

Release: 06.12.09
Rated R
1 hour, 37 minutes

Full Price


Astronaut Sam Bell (Sam Rockwell, Heist) lives on the moon under a three year contract to harvest fuel for Earth. With only a couple of weeks left on his contract, Sam talks excitedly of his return trip with the lunar station's artificially-intelligent computer GERTY (Kevin Spacey, American Beauty). However, Sam is growing more easily distracted which leads to an accident. After he awakens an irritated and impatient Sam sneaks out of the station against GERTY's instructions only to find a wounded Sam Bell!

Watching Moon, it's important to remember it's NOT a location shoot. The seemingly natural quality of the film makes it easy to imagine director Duncan Jones, Rockwell, and crew hopping a shuttle flight to get it in the can. Though in color, the monochromatic hues of the station and the lunar landscape are reminiscent of the original Twilight Zone episodes. As with those episodes, it wasn't the scenery that bedazzled audiences, it was the resolution of the main character's dilemma.

This is equally true in Moon as we watch a meditative, introspective Sam Bell butt heads with an angry, demanding Sam Bell. The two emotionally disparate Bells are portrayed excellently by Rockwell. Thanks to the accident and sickness, physical differences between the Bells are apparent and distinguished further by Rockwell's mannerisms. Arguing with yourself takes on a whole new meaning in Moon and Jones couldn't have been more fortunate to have Rockwell doing the shouting.

Dirty Undies
When words aren't enough the Bells resort to fists, leaving one Bell in bruised and bloody shape. Combined with the sickness and the accident's remnants, it can be hard to look at one Bell. With three years of pent-up affection, Bell also finds himself having naughty dreams of he and his wife. Unfortunately like all great dreams, they end before it really gets steamy.

The Money Shot
Moon appears quiet and reserved, but is erupting with emotion. The power of hope can inspire great change or the ability to overcome the worst, even overwhelming solitude. The only person truly capable of undermining that hope is ourselves.


G-Force

Release: 07.24.09
Rated PG
1 hour, 29 minutes

A Netflix Night



Though not officially an agent of the FBI, Darwin (Sam Rockwell, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) has been specially trained in espionage by Ben (Zach Galifianakis, TV: Tru Calling). Darwin and his team infiltrate the home of Saber (Bill Nighy, Flushed Away) to locate intel on Project Clusterstorm in hopes of impressing FBI Agent Kip Killian (Will Arnett, Horton Hears a Who!). You'd think Killian would be impressed with the fact that they're a group of talking, combat-trained guinea pigs, but he instead chooses to shut the group down. Darwin, Juarez (Penélope Cruz, Sahara), and Blaster (Tracy Morgan, TV: 30 Rock) escape capture and race against the clock to prevent Saber from implementing his diabolical plan.

Having seen only My Bloody Valentine in Real 3D, I was curious to see if G-Force would squash my disdain for the lackluster technology. Sadly, it still sucks just as bad in kids' movies. I listened to kids oooh and ahhh as the Real 3D and Disney Digital 3D logos seemingly hovered before our eyes (granted, it was very cool). Once G-Force began, however, the coos of approval quickly died. Until they can produce 3D images that remain clear while in motion, studios need to stop shoving this crap down our throats.

Kudos to the voice casting. Each character has a distinct voice making the personality differences among the rodents easy to follow. The award for best work goes to nasally Speckles the mole, voiced by Nicholas Cage (Ghost Rider), although Steve Buscemi's (Monster's Inc.) Bucky overshadows all others thanks to his hyperactive, laugh-inducing shtick.

Project Clusterstorm turns ordinary household appliances into robot killing machines, which would have been interesting if I hadn't already been annoyed by this premise in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. The reheated storyline isn't as much of a problem as the poor buildup and execution of the climax. Maybe story structure shouldn't matter in a kid flick, but with six writers penning G-Force, you'd expect at least coherent, passable storytelling. When they do try to wedge in a moral of positivity between the farting and destruction, it is obviously forced.

Dirty Undies
It's a Bruckheimer production so enter expecting lots of destruction and plenty of explosions...then add ten percent to your expectation. I love mind-numbing action as much as the next guy or action flick chick, but the mish-mash of 3D effects, CGI guinea pigs, and blurry action might have destroyed a few of my brain cells.

The Money Shot
G-Force disappoints even without the added help of the atrocious and unnecessary 3D. A strong first act full of mild humor and exciting action degrades into lame jokes and destruction. G-Force promises the threat of a Clusterstorm, and what it delivers is definitely cluster@%$ed.

Fun with a Capital F-U!

Drag Me To Hell

Release: 05.29.09
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 39 minutes

Full Price


We've all been there. You wake up determined to have a good day. Then at work you're reminded that your boss lacks confidence in you, your douchey coworker thinks he's the better than you, and your boyfriend's mom poo-poos you and she hasn't even met you! All these little things rise to the top until some poor unsuspecting sap forces you to angrily assert your superiority. A moment like that can make you feel like a dick, especially if the bystander didn't deserve it, but it could always be worse.

Christine Brown's (Alison Lohman, Big Fish) day qualifies as worse. Her guilt over denying an old lady a loan extension diminishes when she is subsequently attacked by said customer, Mrs. Ganush (Lorna Raver, TV: Star Trek Voyager). Besides vandalizing her car and giving her a fierce gumming, the gypsy woman bestows a horrid curse upon Christine. Over three days, a lamia will torment her until finally dragging her to Hell, unless she can find a way to stop it.

I knew Drag was going to be a winner when, within the first couple minutes, a cursed boy's mother gets bitch-slapped across the room by the unseen dark spirit. Only in the minds of Sam and Ivan Raimi (Army of Darkness) could such deviance dwell. For those unfamiliar with director Sam Raimi's earlier work, the zooming cameras, bizarre screaming voices, and demon-possessed, dancey floaty people are all reminiscent of the Evil Dead franchise.

Major kudos to Alison Lohman who sold every single gross moment of Drag with genuine fear and hysterics. She's subjected to an onslaught of wet, gooey, squishy things. She's tossed about her humble home like a rag doll. Throughout her mystical dilemma, her skeptical boyfriend Clay (Justin Long, Jeepers Creepers) remains supportive.

The small details in Drag speak volumes. Watching Mrs. Ganush sail on Christine's hard candy like it was filet mignon or glimpsing a simple eye brow arch by Christine's boss, That Guy David Paymer (Payback) let's us know exactly who they are and where they are coming from.

Dirty Undies
Long before Ellen Page, it was Lohman's cherubic mug that graced many a pedophile's wallpaper. It's amazing that at nearly thirty, she still has moments where she looks twelve. That innocent optimism blends well with the tough streak Christine develops through her demonic tribulations. She gives as good as she gets, even if it's against a defenseless kitty and a geriatric gypsy. The brutal fight from her driver's seat is in the running for 2009's most memorable moment.

The Money Shot
Drag Me to Hell is gross in the most extremely fun way possible. I could have easily written another page on all the goodness this potential franchise delivers. Hell, I didn't even mention the goat!

Shock! Watch the Monkey Get Hurt

Crank: High Voltage

Release: 04.17.09
Rated R
1 hour, 36 minutes


Full Price




In 2006, audiences watched as Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) plummeted out of a helicopter thousands of feet above the ground. This poisoned bloke who had run amok on hours of borrowed time bounced off a car like a basketball, coming to an abrupt stop on the pavement. The insane adventures of Chelios had ended...and then he fucking blinked! Picking up from that moment, High Voltage scrapes the battered Chev off the streets because the Chinese mafia want to harvest his superman heart and other vital organs. With a plastic pump pinch-hitting for his strawberry tart (a.k.a. heart), Chelios revs up the mayhem in order to hunt down his stolen ticker before the battery dies and he along with it.

If you saw Crank and thought it was off the fucking chain, then there's no acceptable excuse for not seeing High Voltage yet. Maybe, just maybe, if you've had your heart stolen by crazed mobsters, Chelios might give you a pass. Otherwise, he could give a fuck less about your excuses, you wanker.

Writer-directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor not only bring back Chev Chelios for another tumble, but they also bring back the rest of the original cast, even some of the dead ones. Efran Ramirez (Napoleon Dynamite) returns, though now he portrays Venus, the twin out to avenge his brother Kaylo's death. High Voltage also introduces some new blood; there's Ria (Ling Bai, The Crow) who's Chinese-accented Engrish requires subtitles, and El Huron (Clifton Collins, Jr., Capote), who's straight out of a Robert Rodriguez wet dream. I almost forgot; High Voltage is also a must-see for anyone waiting for Ginger Spice to make her triumphant return to film.

Neveldine and Taylor really crank up the insanity in High Voltage (pun intended). Crank was an adrenaline-infused rush of madness that didn't always make the most logical sense. Where the first film was dialed up to eleven, the sequel has the dial damn near splintering as it bears down on fifteen! They maintain the same intensity and urgency using their same corn syrup and cocaine-influenced style. Even with the logical half of my brain shut down, High Voltage had my monkey brain screaming bullshit from time to time.

Dirty Undies
I've dreamed of doing steamy, nasty things to Amy Smart, allowing she'd give me the opportunity. Neveldine and Taylor are mind-readers cuz Chelios gets through at least a third of my naughty list. In a nightmarish twist, they have her dating a mulleted Corey Haim (Lost Boys)...shudder. If for some strange reason watching Amy Smart gyrate wearing only electrical tape and hot pink hot pants doesn't do it for you, High Voltage has more random tits and ass than a Girls Gone Wild DVD. They even toss in a gaggle of porn stars, Ron Jeremy included, just because they can. I swear there is a time when the directors flash up a pair of breasts just to segue from a bloody shootout to a brutal beatdown. Speaking of, for a man laid up three months in the hospital, Chelios fucks up some people's shit! Running, shooting, fighting and fucking, all with a battery-powered plastic heart; I'd hate to see Chelios operating at full power.

The Money Shot
Crank is that rare breed of gratuitous, absurd excess that works. With High Voltage, the crew hoped to once again capture lightning in a bottle. We all know lightning never strikes twice in the same place, but they left behind a second patch of scorched earth within the same block of the asylum.