MMM: Guess Who Just Got Back!

Sometimes the Monday Mood Music is a no-brainer. If you're like me and helped to make The Expendables #1 this weekend, this song should sound familiar to you. If you didn't watch it, you need to leave work at lunch and correct your egregious error. Tsk, tsk.

Obviously, I enjoyed the blood bath Stallone & Company provided audiences. I also loved the soundtrack full of good 'ol rock-n-roll.

And good ol' rock-n-roll,like my boys in The Expendables, speaks for itself. So here's Thin Lizzy performing The Boys Are Back in Town, written by lead singer Phil Lynott (check out a nice write-up about him at my buddy's site).

Thin Lizzy - The Boys Are Back in Town

In case I wasn't clear; go see The Expendables.

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The Hump: No. 10

Shock! Watch the Monkey Get Hurt

Crank: High Voltage

Release: 04.17.09
Rated R
1 hour, 36 minutes


Full Price




In 2006, audiences watched as Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) plummeted out of a helicopter thousands of feet above the ground. This poisoned bloke who had run amok on hours of borrowed time bounced off a car like a basketball, coming to an abrupt stop on the pavement. The insane adventures of Chelios had ended...and then he fucking blinked! Picking up from that moment, High Voltage scrapes the battered Chev off the streets because the Chinese mafia want to harvest his superman heart and other vital organs. With a plastic pump pinch-hitting for his strawberry tart (a.k.a. heart), Chelios revs up the mayhem in order to hunt down his stolen ticker before the battery dies and he along with it.

If you saw Crank and thought it was off the fucking chain, then there's no acceptable excuse for not seeing High Voltage yet. Maybe, just maybe, if you've had your heart stolen by crazed mobsters, Chelios might give you a pass. Otherwise, he could give a fuck less about your excuses, you wanker.

Writer-directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor not only bring back Chev Chelios for another tumble, but they also bring back the rest of the original cast, even some of the dead ones. Efran Ramirez (Napoleon Dynamite) returns, though now he portrays Venus, the twin out to avenge his brother Kaylo's death. High Voltage also introduces some new blood; there's Ria (Ling Bai, The Crow) who's Chinese-accented Engrish requires subtitles, and El Huron (Clifton Collins, Jr., Capote), who's straight out of a Robert Rodriguez wet dream. I almost forgot; High Voltage is also a must-see for anyone waiting for Ginger Spice to make her triumphant return to film.

Neveldine and Taylor really crank up the insanity in High Voltage (pun intended). Crank was an adrenaline-infused rush of madness that didn't always make the most logical sense. Where the first film was dialed up to eleven, the sequel has the dial damn near splintering as it bears down on fifteen! They maintain the same intensity and urgency using their same corn syrup and cocaine-influenced style. Even with the logical half of my brain shut down, High Voltage had my monkey brain screaming bullshit from time to time.

Dirty Undies
I've dreamed of doing steamy, nasty things to Amy Smart, allowing she'd give me the opportunity. Neveldine and Taylor are mind-readers cuz Chelios gets through at least a third of my naughty list. In a nightmarish twist, they have her dating a mulleted Corey Haim (Lost Boys)...shudder. If for some strange reason watching Amy Smart gyrate wearing only electrical tape and hot pink hot pants doesn't do it for you, High Voltage has more random tits and ass than a Girls Gone Wild DVD. They even toss in a gaggle of porn stars, Ron Jeremy included, just because they can. I swear there is a time when the directors flash up a pair of breasts just to segue from a bloody shootout to a brutal beatdown. Speaking of, for a man laid up three months in the hospital, Chelios fucks up some people's shit! Running, shooting, fighting and fucking, all with a battery-powered plastic heart; I'd hate to see Chelios operating at full power.

The Money Shot
Crank is that rare breed of gratuitous, absurd excess that works. With High Voltage, the crew hoped to once again capture lightning in a bottle. We all know lightning never strikes twice in the same place, but they left behind a second patch of scorched earth within the same block of the asylum.

LAMB MOTM: Revolver

Revolver


Original Release: 12.07.07
Rated R
1 hour, 55 minutes

Rating: See below



Jake Green (Jason Statham, Transporter) has been released from prison after seven years. He wants to even the score against gangster casino owner Dorothy Macha (Ray Liotta, Slow Burn) for sending him up, but waits. Two years later, a now wealthy Jake embarrasses Macha in a game of chance, learns a fatal disease will kill him in three days and meets Zach (Vincent Pastore, Serving Sara)and Avi (Andre Benjamin, Be Cool). The two men promise to eliminate the threat of death from disease and Macha if he'll give them all his money and do everything they say for three days. Let the games begin.

I'm a fan of writer-director Guy Ritchie's Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch. I figured Revolver couldn't be as bad as the murmurings on the web said. Turns out, the film is all murmuring. Statham's greasy mop wig and scruffy handlebar mustache must have hindered his speech because I barely understood a word he said. Ten minutes in, I turned on subtitles to decipher the gravelly tenor of his voice. I couldn't imagine listening to this in theaters. The mumbling wouldn't have been so distracting except Revolver relies heavily on Statham to explain the plot. His words get clearer, but only as the story becomes more muddled.

I'm not knocking Statham, Jake Green is more nuanced than many of his recent characters and he handles the depth admirably. Liotta, prone to hamming it up, is excellent as the high-strung, hot-headed gangster as well.

Twenty or so minutes into Revolver, I got the impression Ritchie was trying to attain a new level in his film making. Liotta standing alone in a grandiose hall, or standing naked in a blue-hued tanning room seemingly begged for respect of its brilliant vision. Experimentation with animation looked cool but seemed more random than purposeful. Ritchie overshoots his lofty aspirations with an abuse of style over substance.

Dirty Undies
The coolest and most outrageous character is Macha's hitman Sorter (Mark Strong, Stardust). He has a knack for killing folks with one shot, no matter how insane that shot may be. Gunblasting battles are the bulk of the film's violent moments. The strongest scene is a pinned down, blood-splattered Liotta watching a nearly dead assassin finish her job. Liotta repeatedly steals the show with either his violence, nudity or foul mouth.

The Money Shot
Revolver is a film that had it's moments. When it ended, I felt there was a greater meaning I may have missed. Then again, watching it again to glean that meaning wasn't worth the effort. Simply put, the subject matter far outreached the abilities of the storyteller. My mildly positive opinion of Revolver continues its downward spiral.

As for its designation in the annals of the LAMB MOTM; Reel Whore gives Revolver LAMB Loathe. Check out who else feels the way I do.

On Your Mark, Get Set, Kill!

Death Race

Release: 08.22.2008
Rated R
1 hour, 29 minutes

Matinee ($$$)


LAMBScore:



Jensen Ames (Jason Statham, Cellular) is a steel-working man... for about two minutes of Death Race. See, it's the future, and the good ol' US of A has gone to shit; jobs are scarce, money is tight and morals are loose. Prisons, now run by corporations, have instituted the Death Race to entertain the tired masses and control the burgeoning convict count.

In the history of bad days, Ames loses his job and he's framed for the murder of his wife. The ex-driver finds himself imprisoned, conveniently, under warden Hennessey (Joan Allen, Face/Off). The ice queen of the profitable road rage offers Ames his freedom by taking up the mantle of Frankenstein, a fan-favorite driver who died just one win shy of his liberation.

Based on the 70's exploitation classic Death Race 2000, this update only minimally resembles its original counterpart. As in the Roger Corman version, the characters Frankenstein and Machine Gun Joe (Tyrese Gibson, 2 Fast 2 Furious) remain prominent. However, the Death Race of old revolved around killing bystanders during a cross-country race on the open road, not attacking other people on a closed track.

All the characters follow a one-track emotion. Statham plays Ames-Frankenstein as perpetually pissed for the bulk of the film, a man hellbent on vengeance. Allen's Hennesseey is the ultimate cold-hearted bitch. Coach (Ian McShane, Sexy Beast) is plain old tired. The script goal was not to show characters' growth; it was to repeatedly throw obstacles in their way as they ran around in circles.

Dirty Undies
Cars crash, cars explode and people caught in the open get their asses handed to them - assuming enough pieces of their ass can be found in the aftermath. The blazing guns, jets of smoke and repetitive colliding cars get a bit tiresome, but writer-director Paul W.S. Anderson (Resident Evil) infuses a few surprises to shake off the boredom.

Statham has only a couple of scenes where he's not crammed into the driver's seat, but spends very few of those kicking ass. My favorite moment is his final encounter with opponent Panchenko (Max Ryan, Kiss of the Dragon), which features the film's best death.

There's an all too-brief body shot, cheek included, of Statham. Even though the drivers have female navigators, Anderson completely stumbles in the gratuitous-flesh department. Seriously, the still below is as steamy as Death Race gets:


Even during a race to the death, there should always be time for a conjugal visit, especially from a hottie like Natalie Martinez.

The Money Shot
If you ponied up the money to see Death Race in the first place, you could give a crap less about emotion and story development as long as the kills are violent and the explosions are loud. Death Race has a decent body count and explosions aplenty. Even so, the drab grayscale world of the future wears thin. Its engine may roar, but Death Race doesn't have the power to take home the prize.

"A Heist Gone Wrong...In All the Right Ways"

The Bank Job


Release: 03/07/2008
Rated R
1 hour, 50 minutes


Full Price ($$$$) <> Matinee ($$$)



I should let everyone know that I write this review having broken one of my cardinal rules. Over the years one thing I have adhered to before watching any film is that:

I never read any critic's review of a film before I see it and especially before I write about it (assuming I plan to see and write about it).

That said, I was forewarned by a fellow blogger that I would be disappointed with The Bank Job. I came close to reading his review, but abstained, grabbed the wifey and headed to the theater. When we came out, we were digging it and I couldn't help but think what about this bugged my blog buddy?! Hastening home to the PC, I broke my rule and read his review, then the review's comments, and then the review of another blog buddy with a similar position. I agree they both have some valid points, but now I must suffer the error of my ways. All these opinions have caused me to think way too much for way too long about Bank Job, a film not completely deserving of the attention. Here's my attempt to salvage what is left of my initial opinion.

--
Based on true events in 1971, Bank Job follows David Statham (The Italian Job) as Terry Leather, a London car dealer with loan-shark debts. One day his mate Martine Love, played by Saffron Burrows (Enigma), a right fine bird with bedroom eyes, gives him the scoop on a bank ripe to be robbed. Even though he and his shady buds aren't quite proper villains, Terry believes they can pull this off without a hitch. What Terry doesn't know is that Martine is being used by a government spook to retrieve compromising photos of a prominent royal figure from the vault.

Numerous con/heist movies, including Heist, Snatch, Confidence, and Ocean's Eleven, Twelve, and Thirteen are full of clever twists, turns, and the unanticipated missing piece that makes audiences tee-hee with glee once unveiled. The Bank Job is fairly lacking in these tumultuous, chest-thumping and mind-bottling moments. Instead, the film focuses on the rather serious task of robbing a bank with a few basic tools and without a lot of flash and attention. This lack of spectacle and uber-smooth safecrackers strengthened the 'true events' side of the tale. Obviously, the British government's D-notice (a news media hush-hush), a sealed secret file on Michael X (the photographs' purported owner), and a lack of verification from the heist's culprits makes it hard to discern the truthiness of these events. For all intent and purposes, the lack of bedazzlement gave this film a bit of grit and edge lacking in more polished heist films.

One problem with the film is a subplot involving secret agent Gale Benson, played by Hattie Morahan, as she tries to delve into the sordid world of drugs and prostitution surrounding black radical Michael X, played by Peter De Jersey. One assumes it serves the purpose of establishing the evil of Michael X and giving further historical accuracy. Unfortunately, it takes away from the details of the post-heist complications because it doesn't really progress the major plot, i.e. the bank job. The other issue I had with the film is that it features rather poorly chosen music. Sometimes, the music builds tension at inappropriate moments and is generally forgettable.

Dirty Undies
I knew there would be nudity in this; I just didn't realize it'd be out on Front Street within the first minute of the film! The film features a few clips of completely nude women, save one. I was disappointed that Saffron Burrows, for all her purported promiscuity, manages little more than passionate kisses. The plot would have been much better served by showing Saffron's sexcapades instead of the Government Gale tale. The post-heist scenes are brutal due to some mildly graphic torture. Statham gets the chance to bring his patented fighting skills to the table...I gotta tell you that cranium of his could pulverize walnuts!

The Money Shot
I enjoy a spectacular heist film as much as the next person (my DVD collection proves that). I also enjoy a dramatic film that keeps my attention without resorting to the usual sparkly bag of tricks. I'm not saying this is a must-see event, but its worth putting your own two cents.

-By the by, did anyone else think the vault attendant looked more than a tad familiar? I can't get no satisfaction until his celebrity identity is discovered!