Take My Advice

Source Code

Release: 04.01.11
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 33 minutes

See It, Take a Friend, Buy the DVD!

Captain Colter Stevens (Jake Gyllenhaal, Jarhead) awakes on a Chicago commuter train opposite Christina (Michelle Monaghan, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang) who has mistaken him as her friend, Sean. After several confusing minutes, the train explodes and Stevens once again awakes; this time in some sort of military issue simulator.

Captain Colleen Goodwin (Vera Farmiga, The Departed) explains to Stevens he is part of the Source Code, a program wherein he can relive the last eight minutes of a person's life. His mission, which he's apparently chosen to accept, is to find the train bomber before he strikes again within the Chicago limits.

Jake hasn't had the best track record on the road to becoming an action star, but Source Code helps him turn that corner. Blending action a touch of mind-bending sci-fi, Jake seems more in his comfort zone. Jake also brings a level of emotional frustration to the role that may have been lacking with a run-of-the-mill action brute.

It was good seeing Jeffrey Wright (Casino Royale) in the acting saddle once again; his absence on the big screen has been noticeable these last few years. Farmiga plays his subordinate tasked to keep Stevens on task. She is excellent at conveying the stress and inner conflict Goodwin experiences in her position. 

Source Code is an excellent piece of storytelling by writer Ben Ripley (Species III) and director Duncan Jones (Moon). Jones proves with his sophomore motion picture that it's only a matter of time he'll be getting nominated and awarded Golden Globes and Oscars.

Although the story could have been repetitive and tedious given it's premise, editing and pacing keep tensions high with each of Stevens' returns. More importantly, the sci-fi thread of the story avoids losing its audience amid a wash of scientific mumbo jumbo. It instead focuses on the emotional turmoil inflicted upon Stevens and the urgency of the impending terrorist attack.

When the mumbo jumbo becomes unavoidable, that's when the deft of director and writer raise Source Code from mediocre to must-see. Much like Moon, this may go overlooked by the masses, but it is one that you'd do yourself a disservice to miss.

Suckiest Punch

Sucker Punch

Release: 03.25.11
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 49 minutes


A Netflix Night




After her mother's death, a young woman (Emily Browning, The Uninvited) is carted off to a mental institution by her stepfather. Once there, Baby Doll imagines she and her fellow inmates are being held captive in some sort of brothel/halfway house for runaway girls. The headliner, Sweet Pea (Abbie Cornish, Limitless), doesn't take to Baby Doll the way her sister Rocket (Jena Malone, The Ruins) does. When Amber (Jamie Chung, Dragonball: Evolution) and Blondie (Vanessa Hudgens, Bandslam) hear Baby Doll has a plan to escape before the High Roller (Jon Hamm, The Town) arrives in five days, Sweet Pea reluctantly joins them. For her plan to work, the women have to procure four items from their captor Blue (Oscar Isaac, Robin Hood) and his men, which they do while Baby Doll mesmerizes them with her dancing. As Baby Doll sways to the music, she dreams she and the girls are instructed by a Wise Man (Scott Glenn, Training Day) to conquer a series of nightmarish realms to retrieve these precious items. 

Well.

That was kinda shit.

I never expected Sucker Punch to be revolutionary, but I didn't anticipate wanting to repeatedly punch myself in the face for paying to see it. I defended director Zack Snyder (Dawn of the Dead) for both 300 and Watchmen. Save for that one excruciatingly ridiculous Hallelujah sex scene, Watchmen was a pretty awesome film. Sucker Punch, however, felt like I was watching that scene on a continuous loop. Also, weeeee... dooooon't... neeeeed... tooooo... seeeeee... evvvvv... errrrry... scennnnne... annnnnd... pllllllot... poooooint... innnnn... slooooow... mooooo... tionnnnnn. Baby Doll explains to her sisters-in-satin that she needs to acquire a map, fire, a knife and a key to escape so why bother telegraphing their importance to audiences using slow motion? Maybe Snyder thought viewers are too dense to follow his needlessly complex story. 

Sucker Punch has about as much substance as Baby Doll's skirt has cloth. It's all sex appeal and style, which at first promising, loses its awe rapidly. The monstrous creations Baby and Co. face are inspired and suitably menacing. By the third nightmare sequence, the hail of slow-motion bullets into yet another throng of disposable, faceless combatants becomes tedious. All of these dazzling visuals are accompanied by a rocking soundtrack, but the combination of music and explosions are mind-numbing and, at my theater, nearly deafening. 

Poor Emily Browning. She alternates between kicking ass and staring into space wishing for a better-written character. I feel sorriest for Abbie Cornish who now has to list this film on her resume. To her favor, she is the only girl given any significantly emotional scenes and she nails them. I'm glad Jena Malone, Carla Gugino and Scott Glenn are working, but they deserve better roles. Glenn's Wise Man stands around spouting cliches. Snyder should have hired Baz Luhrmann to advise the girls to wear sunscreen; it would have been just as effective.  

Dirty Undies

I should give Sucker Punch credit for giving audiences five smokin' hot heroines, but even that backfires. Seeing sexy, supple hotties wearing fishnets and thigh-high stockings with outfits that would make strippers blush should sprout a rainforest's worth of wood in theaters across the country. However, the slow-motion barrage of battles, which devolve into Baby repeatedly relying on cool gymnastics and swordplay is enough to wish to never see pigtails and a slutty sailor's suit ever again.

Baby Doll's first battle against the giant samurai is thrilling as is the rush-through-the-trenches sequence that follows. Snyder's use of exploding light and escaping steam to limit the bloodshed is clever, but had he wanted this film to have better theatrical legs, it needed to be rated R. And, by the by, why does Sweet Pea carry a sword if she never fucking uses it?!

The Money Shot
Zack Snyder has said, "It's difficult to find a movie that feels true to itself. You feel the hand of Hollywood, the moviemaking by committee, on everything." Yes, a good amount of Hollywood fare is by-committee bullshit, but you, sir, needed others to keep your ego in check with Sucker Punch. If it were up to me, I'd snatch Superman: Man of Steel out from Snyder's hands without hesitation. I guess the announcement that Amy Adams will play Lois Lane conveniently overshadows this colossal fuck up.
.

A Quickie: The Expendables

The Expendables


Release: 08.13.10
Rated R
1 hour, 43 minutes


Full Price



Lee Christmas (Jason Statham, The Transporter), Ying Yang (Jet Li, The One), Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren, Universal Solider), Toll Road (Randy Couture, Redbelt) and Hale Ceasar (Terry Crews, Idiocracy) are a band of highly skilled mercenaries led by Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone, Rambo). Barney's group, the Expendables, is tapped by a mysterious man known only as Mr. Church (Bruce Willis, Die Hard) to overthrow the dictator of a South American island. After a recon gone wrong, Barney and Christmas must leave their rebel contact, Sandra (Giselle Itié), behind. Though a suicide mission, Barney, haunted by Sandra's compassion and most ample bosom, decides to unseat General Garza (David Zayas, TV: Dexter) and the island's true threat, James Munroe (Eric Roberts, The Dark Knight).

For action movies, a single, simple premise can spawn a wealth of carnage, and The Expendables, by writer-director Sylvester Stallone (Rocky Balboa) and writer Dave Callaham (The Horsemen), does exactly that. Sly's Barney is a mercenary with a good heart; his men know this, and will follow him to the bitter end. A speech by the now retired Tool (Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler) adds just enough emotional heft to legitimize the ensuing insanity. The camaraderie between the fellas feels authentic and plays well, even if you can't always hear the witty jibes above the hail of gunfire.

And, oh yes, how the bullets do fly. And knives. And grenades. And bodies. Oh, the bodies. Just during their recon, Barney and Christmas manage to annihilate forty or so of the general's soldiers and they were barely even trying. You can only imagine how much bloodshed there was when the entire team returned, armed to the teeth. It's not all a blur of gunfire and splatter; audiences get to relish at least five mano-a-mano confrontations featuring the various team members.

Dolph Lundgren chews up the scenery as the off-his-rocker Gunner almost as much as Eric Roberts does as the evil mastermind. It's amazing there was any film stock left to shoot the scenes they shared together! On the flip side, the Barney and Christmas rivalry felt like Stallone, the Godfather of action, passing along the torch to the younger Statham. From the ass-whooping scenes Statham was given in The Expendables, he is definitely up to the task.

If you're looking for pure unadulterated action, look no further than The Expendables. Stallone and the crew deliver everything the trailers promised and more. I for one can't wait to see what other great action legends are included in the next edition of the mercenaries' saga.

A Quickie: Salt

Salt


Release: 07.23.10
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 40 minutes


Matinee

Evelyn Salt (Angelina Jolie, Mr. & Mrs. Smith) is a Susie SuperSpy for the CIA by day, but tries to be little Holly Homemaker to her scientist hubby (August Diehl, Inglorious Basterds) by night. Before she can tie on her apron, she must interrogate a Russian defector, Vassily Orlov (Daniel Olbrychski), who has casually waltzed into the CIA's secret headquarters. Orlov reveals Salt is actually Debbie DoubleAgent planted by the Russians to initiate the heinous 'Day X'. Panicked dinner won't be ready in time, Salt escapes. Agent Peabody (Chiwetel Ejiofor, Serenity), a.k.a. Bobby By-the-Book, grabs Salt's friend and coworker, Ted Winter (Liev Shreiber, Manchurian Candidate), and pursues her. The race to stop Salt before 'Day X,' while Salt rushes to save the ham from overcooking.

Okay. Maybe Salt isn't so much worried that she'll burn the pineapple, but rather that her husband has been abducted, but six and half-a-dozen, right? Salt is writer Kurt Wimmer's (The Recruit) mad dash of a story full of twists; some surprising, most obvious. To properly enjoy the story you must first accept that the US Government's most secure agencies have shit hiring practices. More damn Russian spies crawl out of the woodwork than cockroaches from a dumpster.

On the flipside, actual, dyed-in-the-wool, highly-trained 'Mericans can't stop this one woman. Jolie sells Salt's determination and skill, which is why Salt works as well as it does. The fight choreography makes Salt a believable, and sometimes exceptionally violent, ass-whooping wonder. However, the dull chase sequences and watching her survive one impossible jump after another negates much of that excitement.

Director Phillip Noyce (The Bone Collector) creates a decent action thrill-ride by this summer's standards; not saying much given the summer of '10 scorecard. Most disappointing is how the ending begs for a sequel. If the studio had truly been looking to franchise Salt, a more flavorful and unique beginning would have been preferable to post-story pandering.

.

FMK Friday: Little Women, Big Guns

I really need to work on the timing of this post!. Though it's really, really, late in the day, it's still Friday which means we have time for a new round of Fuck, Marry Kill!

To play I present you, my readers, with three people. You must decide which person you'd like to bed, which you'd wed and which you want dead. It's not always as simple as it sounds.

Round 4's Wives of Mad Men was quite popular with you stargazers, even if not all of the contestants were. I believe ten votes are the most this feature has had! Time to see which hot homemaker; Betty Draper, Joan Harris, or Trudy Campbell, rules the roost:

Fuck Betty,
Marry Joan,
Kill Trudy

Taking a closer look at the votes we see:

Wow! This is the first time the voting exactly matches the individual tallies.

Fuck Betty: By and large, stargazers would love to bounce around the bedroom with Betty Draper until something, or someone, breaks. I'll admit she's a blond bombshell, but among the three, I'd let bitchy Betty bite the bullet.

Marry Joan: Honestly, who wouldn't want to marry Joanie? The fiery redhead helps bring home the bacon, fries it up, and keeps those home fires burning all night if ya know what I'm saying. You'd all have to fight me to nestle between her ivory pillows every night.

Kill Trudy: To all you voters: don't come crying to me when you've realized what a horrible mistake you made by overlooking Trudy's potential! I am the only one who'd love to take little miss priss from atop her pedestal and give her a proper roll in the hay. You're missing out.

***

So begins Round 5. With The Expendables releasing in theaters today, I started thinking about a few actresses who have recently made a stab at action stardom. Despite the fact they weigh less than the weapons they wield, they're nonetheless determined to make a name for themselves as badass chicks! Annies grabs your guns, and prepare to shoot it out!

Fuck, Marry, Kill
Little Women, Big Guns

From top to bottom:
Rose McGowan; In Planet Terror, Rose proves all she needs is a fully loaded strap-on to fuck anyone that gets in her way. Think you can handle the heat she's packin'?

Zoe Saldana; Though I'm still perplexed as to how Zoe wasn't planted on her ass after firing that rocket launcher in The Losers, there's no doubt she's got the attitude to simultaneously hip fire two of them.

Gabrielle Anwar; She might only weight fifty pounds soaking wet, but as Fiona Glenanne on Burn Notice, Gabrielle's fierce and never without her firearm. A night with her is sure to be explosive, even without her trusty c4.


Round 5 will run for two weeks, plenty of time to decide among these up and coming action actresses. Choose wisely.

The Tantric Jizt: Inception

In this fast-paced world of blogging, tweeting and fly-by-night film voyeurism, sometimes one doesn't have the time to give a film proper treatment. More importantly, others do not always have the time to read it. Sometimes you just have to take it around back and squeeze one out in 1-2-3 quick licks.

Think of The Jizt as the wham, bam, thank you ma'am of reviews.


Inception



Release: 07.16.10
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 28 minutes


See It, Take a Friend, Buy the DVD!


Note: In the spirit of Inception, this installment of The Jizt will be multi-layered; a jizt within a jizt within a jizt or, to put it more eloquently, a tantric jizt.

---cue sound effect---

Cast: Ken Watanabe (Batman Begins), Cillian Murphy (Red Eye), Tom Berenger (Training Day)

The Build-up: Desperate to escape his life of subconscious espionage, Cobb accepts an offer from corporate mogul, Saito, to destroy his rival's company using inception.

The Blurt-out: I want to know who ate Tom Berenger and started wearing his skin!

The Jizt: Easily the most inventive premise of 2010, Inception has planted an idea in the minds of studios that will undoubtedly be run into the ground.

"Even though this is a dream, Mr. Fischer, your drink can still be tainted with Jizt."

---cue sound effect---

Cast: Joseph Gordon-Levitt (The Lookout), Tom Hardy (RocknRolla), Dileep Rao (Drag Me To Hell)

The Build-up: Tasked to implant an idea into a person's mind rather than extract one, Cobb and his team construct an elaborate, three-tiered dreamscape to hustle their mark.

The Blurt-out: Arthur never had a cool codename like the Forger or the Chemist, but I dub him the Acrobat because his weightless fighting scenes are awesome!

The Jizt: Watching the succession of kicks that will rouse the extraction team from their chemically-induced slumber is so intense audiences will have bitten their nails down to the quick.

"Dammit, Arthur, how many times do I have to tell you not to leave your Jizt in the car!"

---cue sound effect---

Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio (Shutter Island), Ellen Page (Hard Candy), Marion Cotillard (Big Fish)

The Build-up: The inquisitive new architect, Ariadne, finds herself to be her team's protector when she discovers the manifestation of Cobb's guilt can threaten not only their mission, but also their lives.

The Blurt-out: Although nothing good can come of Mal's appearance in the dreamscape, her anger-fueled determination is so sexy that imagining her is a guilty pleasure.

The Jizt: While the ambiguous nature of the final scene will leave you wondering if the story ends happily or sadly, the more relevant question is did it end at all?

"Cobb, that is one massive amount of pent-up Jizt you got there."

---cue sound effect---

Flawless Victory!

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World


Release: 08.13.10
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 52 minutes


See It, Take a Friend, Buy the DVD!



After a year of heartbreak, Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera, Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist) has finally started dating again. However, his roomie, Wallace (Kieran Culkin, Igby Goes Down) and his band-mates think Knives Chau (Ellen Wong) is just his poor rebound girl and they may be right. While in the midst of 'like' for Knives, a crazy-cute chica rolls out of his dreams and into his reality as Ramona V. Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Sky High). Scott is determined to win the heart of Ramona, but her seven evil exes seek to thwart their relationship.

Writer-director Edgar Wright (Hot Fuzz) along with writer Michael Bacall have brought Bryan Lee O'Malley's graphic novel, Scott Pilgrim Volume 1: Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life (which I haven't read) to glorious, graphically-influenced life. SPvtW has the usual awkward cadence familiar to Wright's previous films; bouts of wildly fun action balanced with witty discourse that result in a sort of stuttering unevenness that strangely works (kinda like this sentence).

SPvtW works for many reasons, but foremost is Wright's stylish mash-up of video games and movies with a dash of Gilliam and a pinch of sitcom for flavor. Watching this had me thinking, Damn, why didn't I think of something this cool?! It's like Wright watched Uwe Boll's House of the Dead and made posilutely sure SPvtW was the exact opposite. Kudos to Wright on casting Michael Cera as Scott Pilgrim; he's awesome. Cera has the lovable slacker, wannabe rocker shtick down cold and works every minute of it in SPvtW. Winstead smolders as Ramona; her vibe instantly conveys why she's the object of affection to so many. Wong is adorably hopeless as Scott's girl.


Even the smaller roles are on point. If you don't know all the actors portraying the evil exes, I won't spoil it, but they all bring a special something to the table (Arrested Development fans will get a huge kick out of one ex in particular). I wish Anna Kendrick (Rocket Science) played a bigger role. While I got a kick out of Aubrey Plaza's (Mystery Team) Julie, she still seems to have trouble being in front of a camera. Clifton Collins, Jr. (Crank: High Voltage) and Thomas Jane (The Punisher) have an absolutely riotous appearance..but I've already said too much. I could spend another two paragraphs praising the cast, but point is they work well.

Dirty Undies
Wright keeps SPvtW fresh by making each of Scott's battles unique. I love a good fight, but if I had to watch Pilgrim clamor through level after level, bruised and beaten, the movie would have gotten stale. Instead, Scott must use both his wits and Street Fighter savvy with each new opponent. Wright cleverly skirts around the severity of Pilgrim's battle-to-the-death scenarios, so squeamish folks need not fret.

Have I mentioned how lovable Cera is as Pilgrim and how lucky he is to score a wicked cute dame like Winstead to be Ramona? Just checking.

The Money Shot
I was as giddy as a schoolgirl from the first time I saw the trailer. Having seen it, I'm ecstatic that my excitement was not misplaced. Despite a few minor quibbles, I will definitely see Scott Pilgrim vs. the World a second time. I'm not sure if I will discover any subtle nuances from multiple viewings, but I'm certain Scott Pilgrim & Co. will deliver the same knockout hilarity every time.

Special Request: Kick-Ass

Kick-Ass


Release: 04.16.10
DVD Release: 08.03.10
Rated R
1 hour, 57 minutes

Matinee



Self-acknowledged high school geek Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson, The Illusionist) decides to dress up as a superhero and fight crime. Had he thought beyond his initial brain fart, he would have realized the streets hit back pretty damned hard. After miraculously healing from his first beatdown, Dave makes a name for himself on the youtube as Kick-Ass. His video escapades draw hundreds of fans, the attention of the highly trained heroic duo of Big Daddy (Nicolas Cage, Ghost Rider) and Hit Girl (Chloe Moretz, 500 Days of Summer), and the ire of one seriously nasty crime boss, Frank D'Amico (Mark Strong, Sherlock Holmes).

Given all the buzz surrounding Kick-Ass, I was psyched to see it opening weekend. Though I tried to temper my excitement with low expectations, I still came out of the theater underwhelmed. The pacing was very uneven; long segments of exposition and backstory for particular characters tripped up the rhythm of the action-y bits. The parallels to the numerous superhero sagas that came before (Spider-Man and Batman being the most obvious) were a nice touch, but these nods could only hold my fanboy attention for so long.

It's a shame because writer-director Matthew Vaughn along with writer Jane Goldman are responsible for one of my most favorite fantasy flicks of recent memory; Stardust. I found their adaptation of Neil Gaiman's novel quite enjoyable, though I can't speak to its faithfulness having never read it. But, I digress. Ultimately, I just didn't give a shit for Kick-Ass Dave. He was an idiot who had about as much sense as he did nerve endings. On the other hand, Big Daddy and Hit Girl's relationship was more easily understood; fucked up, certainly, but strangely sympathetic. Even the motivations of Chris D'Amico (Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Role Models) were understandable, though his evolution into Red Mist was neglected.

Dirty Undies
There's been much ado about the violence of Kick-Ass, and really, it's about nothing. Sure, some people might not like watching a twelve-year-old girl shoot, stab and beat the shit out of criminals while cursing like a sailor, but the low quality CG was more upsetting than Hit Girl's home training. Kick-Ass tried hard to be gritty and real in the beginning, so why did it devolve into a cartoonish bath of blood and appendages?

The Money Shot
I've heard such glowing praise for Kick-Ass I can't help but second guess my initial impression. The plight of Dave and the dangerous duo offers a refreshing spin on the heavily saturated superhero genre. While I know I'm going to watch it again, the film still won't kick as much ass as Hit Girl.

Triple Team'd: Baru-chel-Shocked!

This feature is normally known as Double Team'd, but when preparing to review my recent barrage of Jay Baruchel vehicles, I realized I'd never written a review for She's Out of My League. Thus, Triple Team'd was born. Let's see which of the geeky-guy-gets-the-blonde films was most worth watching.



She's Out of My League

Release: 03.12.10
DVD Release: 06.22.10
Rated R
1 hour, 44 minutes


Second Run Seats



Goofy, awkward Kirk (Jay Baruchel, Knocked Up) goes through the daily grind as a TSA agent while pining away for his ex, Marnie (Lindsay Sloane, Over Her Dead Body). A cellular ringtone jars him from his rut when the phone's owner, a breathtaking traveler, Molly (Alice Eve, Sex & the City 2), asks him to keep her phone safe. Being a nice guy, Kirk delivers the cell and Molly repays his kindness with a date. While sparks seem to fly, Kirk's self-doubt and his pessimistic friends and family may jeopardize the best thing that's ever happened to him.

The story does a decent job of establishing Kirk as an all-around great guy who's hesitant to stand up for himself. Kirk's more likable than his obnoxious buddy, Stainer (T.J. Miller, Get Him to the Greek), but not nearly as memorable as his silly pal Devon (Nate Torrence, Get Smart). There's a third buddy (Mike Vogel, Cloverfield), but he's underutilized and unnecessary. The quartet's banter, scribed by Sex Drive writers John Morris and Sean Anders, is funny in parts, but largely fills space until audiences can ogle Alice Eve once again.

Eve has her own foul buddy, Patty (Krysten Ritter, 27 Dresses), though her talent's somewhat wasted. TV fans will be disappointed that Fringe's Jasika Nicole and That 70's Show's Debra Jo Rupp also have little to do. Most of the supporting cast take a back seat to Baruchel's fidgety gesturing and nasally hemming and hawing.

Dirty Undies
Alice Eve in lingerie is reason enough to see this, but catching a glimpse of Baruchel's bony ass (or his double's) may (or may not) sweeten the pot for you. Stainer and Patty are sputtering fountains of vulgarity, but unfortunately there's nothing overly explicit to write home about.

The Money Shot
She's Out of My League attempts to be offensive and edgy, but its sugary sweet center makes it more of a sappy romance than a raunchy comedy. One isn't necessarily better than the other, but in this case, mixing the two waters down the whole.



The Sorcerer's Apprentice


Release: 07.14.10
Rated PG
1 hour, 51 minutes


Second Run Seats



Goofy, awkward Dave (Jay Baruchel, She's Out of My League) goes through the daily grind as a grad student of physics, though he wasn't always this way. When he was younger, he encountered the sorcerer Balthazar (Nicolas Cage, Con Air) on a field trip. Dave was meant to be Balthazar's apprentice, but Dave accidentally released the evil Horvath (Alfred Molina, Spider-Man 2) which led to significant emotional scarring. Ten years later, Balthazar and Horvath have returned; one to start a mystical apocalypse, the other to train the timid geek to prevent it.

Director John Turtletaub (National Treasure) spins an entertaining, though wholly predictable yarn with just enough explosions to make Jerry Bruckheimer give his nod of approval. Molina out chews Cage in most scenes; something I thought impossible. The displays of magical prowess are sparkly and nifty, which goes a long way to masking the uninspired writing the small battalion of writers cranked out.

Baruchel balances his time between weakly cracking wise on Cage's tutelage and wooing the dream girl from his embarrassing childhood. Lost infatuation Becky (Teresa Palmer, The Grudge 2) re-enters his life as student in need of physics tutoring. Becky's there to simply accept the magical side of Dave's life (though it's invisible to her eyes and should sound completely crazy). She also shows that Dave isn't a complete loser.

Dirty Undies
Another utterly wasted female role is Balthazar's lost love, Veronica, played by the lovely Monica Belluci (Brothers Grimm). While we're talking about underwritten and underused women, let's not forget Alice Krige (Reign of Fire) who played villainess Morgana la Fey. The women were added to be seen, and by the scant amount of lines given, rarely heard.

The Money Shot
In the end, I couldn't help but think how much more I preferred young Dave (Jake Cherry, Night at the Museum) to the poofy-haired, nasally hemming and hawing of adult Dave. The Sorcerer's Apprentice was nothing more than a cheap magician's trick; a lot of smoke and mirrors that felt entertaining at the time, but makes you feel cheated once you walk away.



How to Train Your Dragon


Release: 03.26.10
DVD Release: 10.22.10
Rated PG
1 hour, 38 minutes


Matinee



Goofy, awkward Hiccup, voiced by Jay Baruchel (Fanboys) goes through the daily grind as the apprentice to the blacksmith, Gobber (Craig Ferguson), while pining to be the best dragon hunter of his village. Unfortunately, his inventive methods cause more problems for his Viking kin than they help. His father Stoick (Gerard Butler, Reign of Fire) finally allows Hiccup to train, but only after he has befriended the most fearsome of dragons, a Night Fury he names Toothless.

Hiccup's friendship with Toothless gives him privileged insight into dragon mastery. It makes him the envy of his classmates, except for the star pupil, Astrid (America Ferrera, Our Family Wedding). The fantasy tale is fairly engaging and I doubt the target audience cares that the voices of the Viking village make them seem a bigger melting pot than New York City. Americans, Canadians, Brits and Scots make for an odd mix of natives, but if no one else cares, should I?

The computer animation is mediocre by today's measure. I wasn't too fond of Toothless's salamander-esque stylings, but it made for an inoffensive friend for young Hiccup.

Dirty Undies
Being a kid's movie, there shouldn't have been anything offensive, but something about hearing Gerard Butler's brutish brogue made me feel like he and Craig Ferguson were sitting around buck-ass naked in the recording booth, having a wank. There's a good bit of action, and it's a little more violent than you'd expect for kiddie fare with some surprisingly heavy outcomes.

The Money Shot
While the animation didn't portray it well, Baruchel's nasally hemming and hawing made Hiccup seem all the more helpless. It's altogether fun and easy to follow, assuming you don't get tripped up by the accents.

A Quickie: Cop Out

Cop Out

Release: 02.26.10
DVD Release: 07.20.10
Rated R
1 hour, 47 minutes


Second Run Seats

When veteran cop, Jimmy Monroe (Bruce Willis, Bandits), goes to sell a rare baseball card, the store is robbed. Jimmy and his partner, Paul Hodges (Tracy Morgan, TV: 30 Rock), hunt down the thief so Jimmy can cash it in to pay for his daughter, Ava's (Michelle Trachtenberg, Eurotrip) dream wedding. The thief, Dave (Seann William Scott, Role Models), leads them to the card's new owner, which conveniently lands them in the middle of the case that got them suspended.

Blending action and comedy is old hat for Willis, and Cop Out proves he could do it in his sleep. Surprisingly, Tracy Morgan isn't as annoying as the trailers made him out to be. Well, he and Seann William Scott were both annoying, but in a quirky, funny kinda way. The "big bad" of the film, a thug named after a New Orleans delicacy, Poh Boy (Guillermo Diaz, The Terminal) did get on my last nerve. I assume director Kevin Smith (Mallrats) asked Diaz to give it his Ray- Liotta-in-Wild-Hogs-over-the-top all, but he could have reeled the crazy in a lil bit.

It's a weak, goofy premise masked by raunchy jokes with direction that makes the story feel all over the place. More than a few funny actors, Kevin Pollack (The Whole Nine Yards), Jason Lee (Jersey Girl), and Rashida Jones (I Love You, Man) get wasted to make room for more of Morgan's shenanigans. It's not the genius of the Keystone Kops, but Cop Out can detain your attention on a lazy afternoon.

.

Double Team'd: My Brodacious Weekend

It's good to have a second-run cinema in my city. The cheap tickets make it possible to catch a matinee of a second-run film and a new release for about the same price as an evening show. Last weekend it was fortuitous that Adrien Brody's June flick, Splice, resurfaced at the cheap theater on the same weekend Predators opened. Was that too much Brody for any moviegoer? You'll have to read to find out.


Predators


Release: 07.09.10
Rated R
1 hour, 46 minutes


Full Price



Ever have those dreams where you're falling? You wake up and all is okay. Well, the mercenary Royce (Adrien Brody, The Thin Red Line) has it worse. He wakes up to find himself in a freefall over a jungle. His chute opens automatically just as he plummets through the canopy. He lands next to an enforcer named Cuchillo (Danny Trejo, Desperado). After a series of awkward icebreakers, seven of the baddest mofos from Earth and one spazzy doctor (Topher Grace, Spider-Man 3) band together on an alien planet to defend themselves from being shredded by a group of Predators.

You would think a small group of highly-trained killers armed with a variety of weapons would be unstoppable, but the Predators' massive size, hunting skills, and advanced tech makes these folks look like children with slingshots. Surprisingly, the underdogs turn out to be quick learners, surviving far longer than you might expect. That, in large part, is due to Royce and his super-mercenary skills. For a lone gunman, he quickly brings the group under control, guides them through the foreign terrain, and even identifies the many hunting techniques being employed against them. The only ability he didn't have was using that ginormous bill to sniff out the cloaked creatures.

Like any diverse array of victims, um, I mean characters, they won't all go down in a shining blaze of glory. I was mostly pleased by each person's encounter with the Predators. The first casualty totally pissed me off; not in execution (pardon the pun), but in the executed. My only major qualm with the choices of director Nimród Antal (Vacancy) is that he fails to capitalize on one particular character in earlier scenes. Had this character been better established, it would have made for a stronger climax. Sorry for being vague, but I'm trying to not ruin anything for audiences.

Dirty Undies
Tense and violent, Antal really captures the hunted vibe of the original Predator. The creatures look amazing and if anything has changed from their original look, it's that they are more menacing. I have to agree with Walton Goggins (TV: Justified); Alice Braga (I Am Legend) does have an awesome ass. She can also kick ass with the best of 'em. But, of all the gun-toting, ass-whooping humans on the planet, nobody beats Goggins's portrayal of death row inmate Stans. Had the man actually had a firearm, I can only imagine the hurt he would've put on those aliens.

The Money Shot
Predators is not without its problems, but did anyone seriously expect it to be a masterpiece of cinema? No. I went in expecting Predators to kill some folks, but also get what they had coming to them, and somewhere along the way, see some shit explode. It achieves all three while staying true to the heart of the original concept. What more can you really ask for?



Splice


Release: 06.04.10
Rated R
1 hour, 44 minutes


Matinee



Clive (Adrien Brody, King Kong) and Elsa (Sarah Polley, Dawn of the Dead) are hipster scientists on the cutting edge of gene splicing at the pharmaceutical company, N.E.R.D. (yes, seriously). Their success with creating a new animal hybrid give sthe duo the itch to throw a little human DNA in the mix. Though the company denies their request, a few test tubes, basters and incubators later, Dren (Delphine Chanéac, The Pink Panther) is born. When emotions interfere with scientific methodology, Clive, Elsa and Dren's relationship becomes life-altering.

Though it's been nearly a week, I still find myself rolling the concept of Splice around in my mind. I'm fairly certain the writers and writer-director Vincenzo Natali (Paris, je t'aime, segment Quartier de la Madeleine) had something prolific to say, but I'm also fairly certain the message got scrambled along the way. The shifting dynamic between Clive, Elsa and Dren is thought provoking. In many ways she is their child, but equally she is an experiment that should be carefully monitored in case things go awry. As "first-time parents," Clive and Elsa should expect to make mistakes, but as scientists they should recognize that mistakes can be detrimental.

Having waited so long to see the film, I'd been told things kind of go left in the final act. Thankfully, no one divulged the details. I'm not sure if I wasn't that shocked because I was waiting for a shock, or if I understood where the movie was coming from (if you're curious about my take, see my Spoiler Addendum below). Honestly, the twist bored more than bothered me. Once the premise of the third act is revealed, Splice degrades into a movie where audiences have to wait for characters to play catch up. What did bother me was the whole hipster-scientist motif of Clive and Elsa. Clive's checkered suits and the ironic, iron-on patches on his lab coat bugged me. Maybe if they spent less time worrying about how not-cool they were, and reviewed the data logs, they might have been on top of their geek-game.

Dirty Undies
The creature effects are pretty amazing. Dren went from a TMNT Mouser-looking beast to a pretty sexy, genetically engineered species (if you can look beyond the multi-jointed legs and forehead crevice). Chanéac and her exotic look deserves most of the credit. This is obviously pre-Predators since Brody is his usually bony self. The bulk of the violence is backloaded into the final act and then it's off-screen. Depending on your sensibilities, Splice could be considered too depraved. I know I found Fred & Ginger to be a little too "scrotesque" for my tastes.

The Money Shot
Splice is a movie that will keep you talking; I'll give it that much. Two-thirds of the movie is absolutely worth watching, but the jury's still out on that final act. If you're the adventurous type, give it a shot, but don't say you weren't warned.


Splice Spoiler Addendum: I can't really fault Clive for succumbing to Dren. There was obviously some unexplained pheromones at work even before she presented her plumage to him. With Elsa being cold and distant, any geek worth his salt would instinctively follow the Kirk mantra; if it's human-ish, screw it. Spread those wings and ride, all in the name of science, of course. One could argue he was like a stepfather to Dren and that's just creepy, but that's not nearly as taboo as the Oedipal issues Elsa had to endure.

I Love It When a Movie Comes Together!

The A-Team


Release: 06.11.10
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 57 minutes


Full Price



When a mission in Mexico goes south for Templeton 'Faceman' Peck (Bradley Cooper, The Hangover), Hannibal Smith (Liam Neeson, (Taken) recruits the aid of disgraced Ranger B.A. Baracus (Midnight Meat Train) and pilot H.M. "Howling Mad" Murdock (Sharlto Copley, District 9), to complete the job and pull Peck's ass out of the fire. Eight years and eighty successful missions later, the guys are unofficially recruited for a black ops mission; a mission that goes, to put it lightly, badly. The A-Team, now incarcerated in separate maximum-security installations, promptly escape in an effort to clear their names.

Given the formulaic nature of the A-Team television series, the camaraderie of the cast had to be on-point to attract audiences. And for nearly one hundred episodes, it was. The great thing about the feature length movie is Neeson, Cooper, Jackson and Copley strike that same harmonious chord. Mind-bending missions, thrilling chases, and daring escapes work so well because the foursome jibe and antagonize one another as if they were genuinely the best of friends.

A relationship that doesn't work onscreen is between Peck and Sosa (Jessica Biel, Stealth). There is a complete lack of chemistry. An exchange in a photo booth between the two was uber-creepy instead of romantically tense. Maybe the extreme close-ups during that sequence failed to capture any emotion, but I fear there wasn't any spark to film. Given that Sosa is external to the guys' plight, she can easily be written out of future installments.

Dirty Undies
With respect to the thrill factor, director Joe Carnahan (Smokin Aces) has a above average handle on crafting an action flick. That said, my one quibble, one that I often have with contemporary action movies, is once you set the bar for a certain level of over-the-top scenarios, don't exponentially surpass those constraints. Case in point? The finale, which strains even the most liberal reality.

The uneven quality of the special effects and choppy edits plagued many of the outlandish sequences. At times I was caught up in the riptide of hard-hitting action while other times, the shoddy look of the scene took me totally out of the moment. It didn't ruin my overall enjoyment of the A-Team; it's just something to be mindful of in future installments.

The Money Shot
Children and adults of the eighties know all too well that if you had a problem, if no one else could help, and if you could find them, maybe you could hire the crack commando unit known as the A-Team. Hollywood reached out to these boys and they have rescued the summer box office from being a complete wash.

Bent Until Nearly Broken

The Last Airbender


Release: 07.01.10
Rated PG
1 hour, 43 minutes


Second Run Seats



In a world of martial arts and elemental mysticism, the four kingdoms, Water, Earth, Air and Fire, live in harmony. While members of each nation are masters over their respective elements, balance is maintained by the Avatar; a person capable of controlling all four elements. When the Avatar vanished, the Fire Nation waged war. One hundred years later, Katara (Nicola Peltz) and Sokka (Jackson Rathbone, Twilight) of the Southern Water Tribe have stumbled across a boy and his flying bison frozen in a sphere of ice. Once young Aang (Noah Ringer) thaws and proves himself to be the last Airbender, it isn't long before word spreads that the Avatar, and the world's last chance for peace, has returned.

The Last Airbender is based on the award-winning animated Nickelodeon series, Avatar: The Last Airbender, created by Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko. The adaptation was written, directed, produced and fucked by M. Night Shyamalan (Lady in the Water). Twenty episodes of mythology to draw upon and yet the man couldn't even regurgitate the story in a compelling way! As a fan of the series, maybe my expectations were too high, but I can easily set my qualms about his reimagining aside to criticize the plethora of other problems.

Casting is the obvious issue. I didn't buy into the racist spiel/media hype surrounding his choices. I didn't care the Water Nation was comprised of white folks; I did care that not a single cracker could act their way out of a wet paper sack. In more than one scene, Katara seemed to read lines off a cue card. Aang wasn't much better. It wasn't just the kids. I love the comedy of Aasif Mandvi (The Proposal), but Commander Zhao is an unhinged badass, not a man with a deer-caught-in-the-headlights stare. It's like he wanted to exclaim, "Look Ma, I'm in a big boy part!" The only smart casting choice Shyamalan made was not putting himself in the movie.

The film's budget was definitely dumped into the special effects and it shows. Appa, the flying bison and Momo, the winged lemur looked great, even if they were only set decoration.

Dirty Undies
To the good, the action sequences were decent, just way too showy. If all benders spent that much time posing and articulating to manipulate the elements, a quick gut punch or kick to the groin would end most battles before they start. All the flourishes were probably meant to keep the PG rating rather than explore the mystical world of bending.

Even though a healthy dose of action can overcome the worst acting, it can't make up for a jumbled plot. Shyamalan crafted a few shot-for-shot scenes, but left the spirit of the series on the cutting-room floor. Levity is one of the most important elements to the cartoon. Aang's childlike innocence is infectious. It serves as a counterbalance to the serious, anger-driven motives of the Fire Nation. Shyamalan also spent far too much of the story's runtime relying on character voice-overs to explain backstory. You know, the medium of film can also be used to create these wonderful things known as flashbacks. Next time, use them instead of boring the audience to tears with exposition.

The Money Shot
I hoped The Last Airbender would be the beginning of a fantasy franchise I'd actually care to follow. I also thought it would restore my faith in Shyamalan's skills as a director. I can safely say that I won't waste another dollar on future installments as long as Shyamalan is at the helm.

A Quickie: Iron Man 2

Iron Man 2


Release: 05.07.10
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 4 minutes


Full Price

Picking up shortly after the end of the first installment, Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr., Sherlock Holmes) sits before a Senate sub-committee that strongly encourages him to relinquish the Iron Man weapon into the responsible hands of the U.S. government. Contrarily, Stark believes the technology too advanced to be duplicated...until a psychotic Russian, Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke, Sin City), shows up sporting a spanky arc reactor-fueled weapon of his own. Add to the government, villains, and rival company woes the pesky side effects of having an arc reactor implanted in his chest, and it's uncertain if Tony Stark, the man or the machine, can withstand the pressure.

RDJ still shines as the quick-witted, charismatic Stark. Don Cheadle (After the Sunset) replaces Terrence Howard as Stark's best bud, Rhodey. Apparently, Howard's head got too big to fit into the War Machine suit and producers had to let him go. Cheadle slips easily into the rhythm of director Jon Favreau's (Elf) story. Much like the first Iron Man, that rhythm is a fast-talking, explosive action flick, except for the chewy marshmallow center that audiences must gum through to reach the big-bang bonanza of an ending.

In that center, Scarlett Johansson (The Spirit) gets to kick butt and look good doing it; Gwyneth Paltrow (Emma) gets wasted as pouty Potts; and Sam Rockwell (Choke) sleazes it up as Tony's industrial nemesis. Audiences learn Tony gets his pompous attitude from his pop, Mad Men's own Roger Sterling, a.k.a. John Slattery. Audiences lax in basic logistics won't be bothered when Stark saddles up to race in the Monaco Grand Prix or turns his focus to nucleosynthesis using fifty foot of pipe and a monkey wrench.

So, a few plot elements are outrageous, but isn't this a story about a billionaire genius who flies around saving innocents in a homemade contraption? Since there is no such heroic lovechild of Richard Branson, Harrison Ford and Leonardo DaVinci in the real world, audiences can instead enjoy the wondrous CGI spectacle of Robert Downey, Jr as Iron Man.

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Why Didn't the Losers Win?

The Losers


Release: 04.23.10
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 38 minutes


Matinee



Five CIA black ops agents, framed for a crime they didn't commit, help the innocent while on the run from...wait, sorry. Let's try that again.

The Losers, a US Special Forces unit led by Clay (Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Watchmen) are on a mission in Bolivia to stop a vile drug runner. The op goes south when the mysterious and maniacal Max (Jason Patric, Sleepers) turns the op on its head and leaves the Losers for dead. Clay and his men hide out in South America until Clay is approached by Aisha (Zoe Saldana, Star Trek), who offers them the means necessary to kill Max and reclaim their lives.

The premise is solid, the trailers exciting; so why, on opening weekend, did the Losers come in fourth? A month-old animated dragon flick, J-Lo's big, but juicy booty romp, and an NBC Must See TV gimmick edged them out of the top spot. In the second week, they continued their losing streak. The iconic horror slasher topped the weekend, no surprise, but again, those flicks from last week kept the Losers down. Hell, even Brendan Fraser beat them with that God-awful-looking, CGI save-the-forest pukefest.

Roque (Idris Elba, RocknRolla), Jensen (Chris Evans, Cellular), Pooch (Columbus Short, Armored) and Cougar (Óscar Jaenada) make up the rest of Clay's unit. Roque is the most confrontational while Pooch mostly stares at his wedding ring. Jensen always tries a little too hard to be lovable, and Cougar is as cool as Danny Trejo under a shade tree sipping lemonade from a stripper's belly button. They get the job done, but they bicker and bitch, especially after Aisha becomes part of the group.

Patric is exceptional as the unpredictable Max. He's like a boy, gleeful at the thought of scorching ants with a magnifying glass. His henchman, Wade (rising 'That Guy' Holt McCallany, Vantage Point), is s proper right hand man. The Losers, by comparison, are largely forgettable, although their destructive missions are impressive.

Dirty Undies
The explosive missions, shoot-outs, fighting all rock even if a scene or two is unnecessary. I can't even recall how many things the Losers blew to hell. I would have liked to see more blood and guts. Not to spoil things, but explain to me how there was not at LEAST a stray finger or elbow strewn about the crash site during their establishing story?!

Max surrounds himself with a ton of lovely women in one scene you'll wish would last longer. But the Losers are the real hotness; courtesy of Cougar, Jensen and Aisha. Zoe Saldana is a lovely woman, and director Sylvain White gives the audience lots of hip-swinging, hair-bouncing, slow-motion shots. It'd be nicer if Saldana actually had some thickness to jiggle in those scenes. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but Zoe's scrawny frame makes Nicole Kidman look like she's got back.

The Money Shot
The Losers has substance, action, decent performances but suffers from a bit too much style. It wasn't so much style as it was timing and the lack of big names that hurt the Losers at the box office. Only the big actors draw audiences in. I like Morgan, but what's he done aside from the being the dead guy in Watchmen? Patric has a solid resume, but who except Lost Boys fans recognizes him? Maybe the 2010 box office only has room for an A-Team, not the B-Team.

The Jizt: Clash of the Titans

In this fast-paced world of blogging, tweeting and fly-by-night film voyeurism, sometimes one doesn't have the time to give a film proper treatment. More importantly, others do not always have the time to read it. Sometimes you just have to take it around back and squeeze one out in 1-2-3 quick licks.

Think of The Jizt as the wham, bam, thank you ma'am of reviews.


Clash of the Titans


Release: 04.02.10
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 46 minutes


Matinee




Cast: Sam Worthington (Avatar), Ralph Fiennes (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire), Gemma Arterton (Quantum of Solace)

The Build-up: Fisherman and bastard son of Zeus, Perseus, is called upon by the people of Argos to stop Hades from unleashing his ultimate wrath upon them; the Kraken.

The Blurt-out: Director Louis Letterier's knack for thrilling action sequences and spanky special effects almost keeps audiences from wondering when Hades's poorly attached scalp piece will detach completely.

The Jizt: Had the salvation of Argos lain not in the physicality of their champion, but in his acting ability, the populace would have been shit out of luck.

"Like we told ya kid, playing with the Jizt will put your eye out!"

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That's a Huge Bitch!

Avatar


Release: 12.18.09
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 42 minutes


See It, Take A Friend, Buy the DVD!



Disabled vet Jake Sully (Sam Worthington, Terminator Salvation) is offered the opportunity to serve his country by taking his now-deceased twin brother's position in the Avatar program on Pandora. Avatars, led by Dr. Grace Augustine (Sigourney Weaver, Aliens), use genetically engineered versions of Pandora's native people, the Na'vi, to communicate and learn about their culture.

Corporate weasel Parker Selfridge (Giovanni Ribisi, Boiler Room) and military hard-on Col. Miles (Stephen Lang, Tombstone) could give a rat's ass about science and diplomacy, and use Jake to discover the quickest way to get to the coveted unobtanium deposits.

While on mission, Jake inadvertently meets Neytiri (Zoe Saldana, Star Trek) who convinces her people to teach Jake their ways. The truth and beauty behind the Na'vi and Pandora is uncovered as the patience of Selfridge and Miles is exhausted, leaving Jake to decide to which side he truly belongs.

Damn, that was one long-ass synopsis, but did you expect any less from a movie that clocks in at nearly three hours? I finally plopped down into Avatar 3D on its third week in theaters, already more than weary of the gushing hype surrounding it. This bitterness made me prone to honing in on the evident similarities to earlier films by writer-director James Cameron (Terminator).

The science vs. corporate-military motif brought Aliens to mind. The hero dons experimental tech to interact with an alien race, The Abyss. The budding relationship between two people from different walks of life, Titanic. The inevitable destruction of inferior lifeforms was akin to that foretold in Terminator 2: Judgment Day, except now Na'vi are the humans, and the humans are the terminators.

Though it's not Cameron related, watching Jake discover the wonders of Pandora was like the BBC series Planet Earth. Heck, Sigourney Weaver was even there to narrate a portion of his experience.

By the time it ended, I stood up, shook off the booty numbness and had to admit that it's deserving of the hype. Much of the film is exactly like watching Planet Earth, which is amazing considering Pandora exists on a hard drive somewhere. The visual achievements are beyond words. The years of hard work Cameron poured into creating such a realistic world are evident in every frame.

Does that mean when you dust off your copy of Avatar in a decade to show to your kid's friends, it will hold up? Not a chance. Just like Terminator 2, Avatar has set the bar and future audiences can only expect bigger and better visual effects. It will never stand on the merits of its story. The moniker of the mineral "unobtainium" alone is evidence of that. Avatar is largely formulaic and unoriginal in its character and story development.

Dirty Undies
Avatar isn't action-packed, but Cameron balances the exposition, the discovery and the mind-blowing mayhem. My favorite action sequence had to be Jake's rite of passage with the Mountain Banshee.

It's a testament to the visual effects that they make Neytiri pretty damn sexy. It would have been nice for Michelle Rodriguez (Resident Evil) to get a larger role, but at least she was cute in the few scenes she had.

The Money Shot
Despite pilfering well-worn characters and themes, Avatar is far from boring. It truly is a cinematic experience; a spectacle to behold. Avatar might not reel your heart into the plight of Jake and the Na'vi, but discovering the wonders of Pandora will easily occupy you for the three hour runtime.