Week of Reel Whorror!: Dead is Better Day 3

Zombie Strippers

Release: 04.18.08
Rated R
1 hour, 34 minutes

Second Run Seats

Stop me if you've heard this one; a soldier infected with an engineered virus stumbles into an illegal strip club and bites its headliner, Kat (Jenna Jameson, Private Parts). Despite dying, Kat rises from the dead, with her faculties and dexterity intact (unlike her infector), and promptly goes back to working the pole. The only real change, aside from the gaping hole in her throat, is she now prefers to be paid in man-flesh rather than dollar bills. Though the patrons are dropping like flies, club owner Ian (Robert Englund, Hatchet) doesn't care because guys are going wild to see zombie strippers!

You'd think Reel Whore would be equally wild about strippers nudefying themselves to lure men into the private room and literally devour them, but it was no great shakes. Granted, I didn't expect more than zombies and strippers and the combination of the two, but in the end I wanted... less.  

Zombie Strippers opens on an "elite" special forces team sent to eradicate the zombie threat. It's a testosterone-engorged bloodbath that establishes the hokey, low-budget mood. The strip club is where things really go wrong, both behind and in front of, the camera. Writer-director Jay Lee effectively illustrates the seedy, sex-crazed nature of the club, but introduces contemplative strippers who work hard for the money while seeking higher enlightenment. The awkwardly muttered philosophizing is kitschy at first, but when it's still spewing at the eighty-minute mark it's bothersome.

Dirty Undies

If you've come looking for stripping and zombie stripping, you'll get your fill twice over. Some actresses, like veteran adult performer Jameson, are quite impressive in both pre- and post-mortem forms. Others look sexy and then disturbingly hot as they do their Stripper 101 routines. Stripping in one form or another accounts for at least forty-five minutes of the movie, so if you were hoping for more substantial story, I suggest you move along. Stripping works up quite an appetite; the girls rip their patrons apart like tear-away hot pants, spilling spongy, right-red innards everywhere.

The Money Shot

I wish I could say come for the zombie strippers, stay for the story, but I'd be lying. As enjoyable as it can be at times, Zombie Strippers has a lot of wasted potential. Even mindless entertainment shouldn't leave audiences craving more. 

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Piranha Bites.

Piranha


Release: 08.20.10
Rated R
1 hour, 28 minutes


Second Run Seats



Sheriff Julie Forester (Elisabeth Shue, Hollow Man) was prepared for the drunken debauchery that floods Lake Victoria over Spring Break. She hadn't expected the universe to send her a big 'ol double-barreled 'Fuck You!' by dumping schools of prehistoric, man-eating fish into the mix. To make matters worse, her teenage son, Jake (Steven R. McQueen), shrugs off watching his younger siblings to protect his not-girlfriend, Kelly (Jessica Szohr) and babysit porn producer Derrick Jones (Jerry O'Connell, Scream 2) and his colleagues. Partying, poon, and piranha...sounds like the recipe for a perfect B-movie cocktail.

Thanks to the buzz, I went into Piranha stoked for some cheesy, B-movie fun. I have to ask, what the fuck are they talking about? This was only passably watchable, even by B-movie standards. I lose a little more respect for director Alexandre Aja (High Tension) with each new project. Aja's attempt to capture the camp vibe of 80s horror succeeds in parts, but fails on the whole.

The opening sequence with Richard Dreyfuss (Jaws) had CGI effects worse than many a low-budget television movie. There's a thin line between unmistakably lame and passable cheese, and this established the tone as the former. Later CGI effects are equally weak; the underwater piranha attacks are indiscernible blurs of fish and swirls of blood. To the contrary, the makeup and props nail the 80s camp right down to the off-red coloration of the dangling bits of flesh.

Overall, the acting isn't great, and I can only assume it wasn't meant to be. As annoying as it was, I totally got O'Connell's over-the-top, obnoxious portrayal. Shue was great, but her character was given little to do. Ving Rhames (Dawn of the Dead) had barely any screentime; same goes for Christopher Lloyd (Clue) and Dina Meyer (Saw IV). The lack of development would have been excusable had the movie kept a quick, tense pace. Instead, it dragged along filling the time with stranded children, an uptight teen and underwater lesbians.

Dirty Undies
Since I'm on the subject of lesbians, let's discuss the Wild Wild Girls, Danni and Crystal. Danni (Kelly Brook, The Italian Job) is really hot, really naked, and has a surprisingly developed character. You can expect to see a lot more of her next year. Crystal is portrayed by porn star Riley Steele. Steele is given little to say or do aside from be naked. I recognized one other porn star, but I'm sure I missed a couple. Where Aja failed in storytelling, he overcompensates with nudity. I'm not one to complain about an abundance of boobs and butts, or even a quick female full frontal or some man meat, but some of these scenes take up valuable real estate in the story. Besides, if I want to watch sexy porn stars strut around naked, I'll hit the internets (and I suggest you do the same).

As I mentioned earlier, the gory effects were on point. I loved the chunks missing from people's backs and body parts. In fact, the one thing Aja films perfectly is the unbridled mayhem that ensues when the piranhas violently attack the Spring Break congregation. He captures all the varying archetypes; the noble Samaritan, the sacrificial lambs, the every-man-for-himself. The tense vibe from that extensive sequence should have been present throughout Piranha.

The Money Shot
I can always tell a bad movie from the pacing. When a film that clocks in under ninety minutes feels like I've been seated for over two hours, there's a fucking problem. Piranha has its moments, but those moments never add up to a film worth watching. I'm just glad I didn't pay the extra cash to see it in 3D; I was already pissed enough for paying to see this in the first place.

A Quickie: Eat Pray Love

Eat Pray Love


Release: 08.13.10
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 13 minutes


Second-Run Seats



Successful writer Liz Gilbert (Julia Roberts, Erin Brokovich) is told by a shaman in Bali that she will have two marriages, one short, one long; she will travel the world, and she will lose all her money only to have it come back to her. After this bit of inception for the soul, Liz finds herself in the wake of a terrible divorce and in dire emotional crisis. She embarks on a journey that takes her to Italy, India, and back to Bali in the hopes it will cure what ails her.

I hadn't expected to be amazed by this movie, but I am shocked at how underwhelming and unsatisfying it is. Writer-director Ryan Murphy, who did an excellent job at mining a wealth of emotion from the cast of Glee, finds that this goldmine of inspiration never pans out. As to be expected, Roberts' performance is great; she fights back tears, appears introspective, and opens herself to fun and frivolity. Despite her warmth and openness, the subject material never lets audiences in.

Eat Pray Love is supposed to relate the physical, emotional, and spiritual journey of a woman lost in her life. The experiences, people, and places she encounters should inspire audiences as much as they did Liz. The experiences were underplayed. The people should have provided the main vehicle to display her evolution, but rarely did. There was a plainness in the cinematography that gave these exotic and elaborate locales a mundane appearance.

When Liz finally found herself, I felt more lost than ever. Best I could glean from this film was that the journey to self-discovery involves trading up men, being sure each new love is more handsome and fawning than the last (no offense, Billy). One might argue Eat Pray Love is not a movie men can relate to; I'd argue a truly heartfelt story would have tugged at the soul of any viewer.

Double Team'd: One Hill of a Time!

Since I recently gave Jay Baruchel the Whore treatment, I thought it only fair that his buddy, Jonah Hill, get Double Team'd as well. Let's see if his summer movies have fared any better.

Cyrus


Release: 06.18.10 (limited)
Rated R
1 hour, 31 minutes


Matinee



With her wedding to Tim (Matt Walsh, Mystery Team) impending, Jamie (Catherine Keener, Hamlet 2) tries to get her dependent ex-husband, John (John C. Reilly, Chicago), back into the dating scene. After one too many drinks, John is discovered releasing the Red Bull into the bushes by Molly (Marisa Tomei, Alfie). Their connection is electric. As the sparks start to fly, John discovers Molly already has a man in her life: her eccentric, twenty-one year-old son, Cyrus (Jonah Hill, Grandma's Boy).

Writing-directing brothers Jay and Mark Duplass (Baghead) crafted an enjoyable, albeit languid, tale about the courtship between two emotionally dysfunctional people. The slow pacing was made worse by the fact that nearly every pivotal moment had been laid out in the trailer.

The cast gave excellent performances, although I wish Matt Walsh had have gotten a little more screen time. His character wouldn't have added anything to the story, but I just wanted more of him. Hill and Reilly handle the tête-à-tête between their characters superbly. It's never outrageous or unbelievable, but the love both men have for Molly is apparent.

Dirty Undies
I'm wondering if the Duplass brothers meant to capture Reilly's tighty-whitey package so vividly. I don't think I ever expected to see that side of the man. Tomei proves she's still the go-to gal for sexy, older women roles.

The Money Shot
When it was over, I felt there was an entire act missing from Cyrus. The story only touches the surface of the relationships and conflicts between Jamie, John, Molly and Cyrus. Fun? Yes. Wholly satisfying? Not completely.




Get Him to the Greek

Release: 06.04.10
DVD Release: 09.28.10
Rated R
1 hour, 49 minutes


Second Run Seats



Pinnacle Records is in dire need of generating some capital. During a staff meeting, Aaron Green (Jonah Hill, Funny People) has a great idea to infuse the label with cash: throw a tenth anniversary concert with rock legend Aldous Snow (Russell Brand, Forgetting Sarah Marshall) at L.A.'s Greek Theater. Loving the idea, his boss, Sergio Roma (Sean Combs, Monster's Ball), assigns Aaron the task of getting Snow to the show.

While it sounds easy enough, Snow is a drunken, drugged-out, uncontrollable ass. From this, hilarity (mostly) ensues. Director Nicholas Stoller's sophomore project never quite matches the outlandish good time, or the heartfelt emotion, of Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Maybe that wasn't what he was going for, but the unwieldy final act says otherwise.

Aziz Ansari (Funny People) and Carla Gallo (40 Year Old Virgin) had brief, but funny scenes. The backdrop was also littered with some decent cameos from the music world. Audiences have said Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs' acting was great. He was wildly funny, but honestly, how hard is it for him to play a self-serving record producer?

Dirty Undies
Greek was chock full of sex, drugs, drinking, but very little rock 'n' roll. I think Snow's ex-lover, Jackie Q (Rose Byrne, Knowing), had the best song, Ring 'Round. By the way, I never thought Byrne was my cup of tea, but she cleans up nice.

The Money Shot
Get Him to the Greek had me cracking up about as much as it had me checking my watch. I think I was more concerned by Jonah Hill's weight than his plight to reinvigorate the career of a washed-up rockstar. (Seriously, Hill looks friggin' huge in this. Not good, dude.) It's a movie I'm glad I got to see, and maybe in ten years, I'd give it an obligatory anniversary viewing.

Triple Team'd: Baru-chel-Shocked!

This feature is normally known as Double Team'd, but when preparing to review my recent barrage of Jay Baruchel vehicles, I realized I'd never written a review for She's Out of My League. Thus, Triple Team'd was born. Let's see which of the geeky-guy-gets-the-blonde films was most worth watching.



She's Out of My League

Release: 03.12.10
DVD Release: 06.22.10
Rated R
1 hour, 44 minutes


Second Run Seats



Goofy, awkward Kirk (Jay Baruchel, Knocked Up) goes through the daily grind as a TSA agent while pining away for his ex, Marnie (Lindsay Sloane, Over Her Dead Body). A cellular ringtone jars him from his rut when the phone's owner, a breathtaking traveler, Molly (Alice Eve, Sex & the City 2), asks him to keep her phone safe. Being a nice guy, Kirk delivers the cell and Molly repays his kindness with a date. While sparks seem to fly, Kirk's self-doubt and his pessimistic friends and family may jeopardize the best thing that's ever happened to him.

The story does a decent job of establishing Kirk as an all-around great guy who's hesitant to stand up for himself. Kirk's more likable than his obnoxious buddy, Stainer (T.J. Miller, Get Him to the Greek), but not nearly as memorable as his silly pal Devon (Nate Torrence, Get Smart). There's a third buddy (Mike Vogel, Cloverfield), but he's underutilized and unnecessary. The quartet's banter, scribed by Sex Drive writers John Morris and Sean Anders, is funny in parts, but largely fills space until audiences can ogle Alice Eve once again.

Eve has her own foul buddy, Patty (Krysten Ritter, 27 Dresses), though her talent's somewhat wasted. TV fans will be disappointed that Fringe's Jasika Nicole and That 70's Show's Debra Jo Rupp also have little to do. Most of the supporting cast take a back seat to Baruchel's fidgety gesturing and nasally hemming and hawing.

Dirty Undies
Alice Eve in lingerie is reason enough to see this, but catching a glimpse of Baruchel's bony ass (or his double's) may (or may not) sweeten the pot for you. Stainer and Patty are sputtering fountains of vulgarity, but unfortunately there's nothing overly explicit to write home about.

The Money Shot
She's Out of My League attempts to be offensive and edgy, but its sugary sweet center makes it more of a sappy romance than a raunchy comedy. One isn't necessarily better than the other, but in this case, mixing the two waters down the whole.



The Sorcerer's Apprentice


Release: 07.14.10
Rated PG
1 hour, 51 minutes


Second Run Seats



Goofy, awkward Dave (Jay Baruchel, She's Out of My League) goes through the daily grind as a grad student of physics, though he wasn't always this way. When he was younger, he encountered the sorcerer Balthazar (Nicolas Cage, Con Air) on a field trip. Dave was meant to be Balthazar's apprentice, but Dave accidentally released the evil Horvath (Alfred Molina, Spider-Man 2) which led to significant emotional scarring. Ten years later, Balthazar and Horvath have returned; one to start a mystical apocalypse, the other to train the timid geek to prevent it.

Director John Turtletaub (National Treasure) spins an entertaining, though wholly predictable yarn with just enough explosions to make Jerry Bruckheimer give his nod of approval. Molina out chews Cage in most scenes; something I thought impossible. The displays of magical prowess are sparkly and nifty, which goes a long way to masking the uninspired writing the small battalion of writers cranked out.

Baruchel balances his time between weakly cracking wise on Cage's tutelage and wooing the dream girl from his embarrassing childhood. Lost infatuation Becky (Teresa Palmer, The Grudge 2) re-enters his life as student in need of physics tutoring. Becky's there to simply accept the magical side of Dave's life (though it's invisible to her eyes and should sound completely crazy). She also shows that Dave isn't a complete loser.

Dirty Undies
Another utterly wasted female role is Balthazar's lost love, Veronica, played by the lovely Monica Belluci (Brothers Grimm). While we're talking about underwritten and underused women, let's not forget Alice Krige (Reign of Fire) who played villainess Morgana la Fey. The women were added to be seen, and by the scant amount of lines given, rarely heard.

The Money Shot
In the end, I couldn't help but think how much more I preferred young Dave (Jake Cherry, Night at the Museum) to the poofy-haired, nasally hemming and hawing of adult Dave. The Sorcerer's Apprentice was nothing more than a cheap magician's trick; a lot of smoke and mirrors that felt entertaining at the time, but makes you feel cheated once you walk away.



How to Train Your Dragon


Release: 03.26.10
DVD Release: 10.22.10
Rated PG
1 hour, 38 minutes


Matinee



Goofy, awkward Hiccup, voiced by Jay Baruchel (Fanboys) goes through the daily grind as the apprentice to the blacksmith, Gobber (Craig Ferguson), while pining to be the best dragon hunter of his village. Unfortunately, his inventive methods cause more problems for his Viking kin than they help. His father Stoick (Gerard Butler, Reign of Fire) finally allows Hiccup to train, but only after he has befriended the most fearsome of dragons, a Night Fury he names Toothless.

Hiccup's friendship with Toothless gives him privileged insight into dragon mastery. It makes him the envy of his classmates, except for the star pupil, Astrid (America Ferrera, Our Family Wedding). The fantasy tale is fairly engaging and I doubt the target audience cares that the voices of the Viking village make them seem a bigger melting pot than New York City. Americans, Canadians, Brits and Scots make for an odd mix of natives, but if no one else cares, should I?

The computer animation is mediocre by today's measure. I wasn't too fond of Toothless's salamander-esque stylings, but it made for an inoffensive friend for young Hiccup.

Dirty Undies
Being a kid's movie, there shouldn't have been anything offensive, but something about hearing Gerard Butler's brutish brogue made me feel like he and Craig Ferguson were sitting around buck-ass naked in the recording booth, having a wank. There's a good bit of action, and it's a little more violent than you'd expect for kiddie fare with some surprisingly heavy outcomes.

The Money Shot
While the animation didn't portray it well, Baruchel's nasally hemming and hawing made Hiccup seem all the more helpless. It's altogether fun and easy to follow, assuming you don't get tripped up by the accents.

A Quickie: Cop Out

Cop Out

Release: 02.26.10
DVD Release: 07.20.10
Rated R
1 hour, 47 minutes


Second Run Seats

When veteran cop, Jimmy Monroe (Bruce Willis, Bandits), goes to sell a rare baseball card, the store is robbed. Jimmy and his partner, Paul Hodges (Tracy Morgan, TV: 30 Rock), hunt down the thief so Jimmy can cash it in to pay for his daughter, Ava's (Michelle Trachtenberg, Eurotrip) dream wedding. The thief, Dave (Seann William Scott, Role Models), leads them to the card's new owner, which conveniently lands them in the middle of the case that got them suspended.

Blending action and comedy is old hat for Willis, and Cop Out proves he could do it in his sleep. Surprisingly, Tracy Morgan isn't as annoying as the trailers made him out to be. Well, he and Seann William Scott were both annoying, but in a quirky, funny kinda way. The "big bad" of the film, a thug named after a New Orleans delicacy, Poh Boy (Guillermo Diaz, The Terminal) did get on my last nerve. I assume director Kevin Smith (Mallrats) asked Diaz to give it his Ray- Liotta-in-Wild-Hogs-over-the-top all, but he could have reeled the crazy in a lil bit.

It's a weak, goofy premise masked by raunchy jokes with direction that makes the story feel all over the place. More than a few funny actors, Kevin Pollack (The Whole Nine Yards), Jason Lee (Jersey Girl), and Rashida Jones (I Love You, Man) get wasted to make room for more of Morgan's shenanigans. It's not the genius of the Keystone Kops, but Cop Out can detain your attention on a lazy afternoon.

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Bent Until Nearly Broken

The Last Airbender


Release: 07.01.10
Rated PG
1 hour, 43 minutes


Second Run Seats



In a world of martial arts and elemental mysticism, the four kingdoms, Water, Earth, Air and Fire, live in harmony. While members of each nation are masters over their respective elements, balance is maintained by the Avatar; a person capable of controlling all four elements. When the Avatar vanished, the Fire Nation waged war. One hundred years later, Katara (Nicola Peltz) and Sokka (Jackson Rathbone, Twilight) of the Southern Water Tribe have stumbled across a boy and his flying bison frozen in a sphere of ice. Once young Aang (Noah Ringer) thaws and proves himself to be the last Airbender, it isn't long before word spreads that the Avatar, and the world's last chance for peace, has returned.

The Last Airbender is based on the award-winning animated Nickelodeon series, Avatar: The Last Airbender, created by Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko. The adaptation was written, directed, produced and fucked by M. Night Shyamalan (Lady in the Water). Twenty episodes of mythology to draw upon and yet the man couldn't even regurgitate the story in a compelling way! As a fan of the series, maybe my expectations were too high, but I can easily set my qualms about his reimagining aside to criticize the plethora of other problems.

Casting is the obvious issue. I didn't buy into the racist spiel/media hype surrounding his choices. I didn't care the Water Nation was comprised of white folks; I did care that not a single cracker could act their way out of a wet paper sack. In more than one scene, Katara seemed to read lines off a cue card. Aang wasn't much better. It wasn't just the kids. I love the comedy of Aasif Mandvi (The Proposal), but Commander Zhao is an unhinged badass, not a man with a deer-caught-in-the-headlights stare. It's like he wanted to exclaim, "Look Ma, I'm in a big boy part!" The only smart casting choice Shyamalan made was not putting himself in the movie.

The film's budget was definitely dumped into the special effects and it shows. Appa, the flying bison and Momo, the winged lemur looked great, even if they were only set decoration.

Dirty Undies
To the good, the action sequences were decent, just way too showy. If all benders spent that much time posing and articulating to manipulate the elements, a quick gut punch or kick to the groin would end most battles before they start. All the flourishes were probably meant to keep the PG rating rather than explore the mystical world of bending.

Even though a healthy dose of action can overcome the worst acting, it can't make up for a jumbled plot. Shyamalan crafted a few shot-for-shot scenes, but left the spirit of the series on the cutting-room floor. Levity is one of the most important elements to the cartoon. Aang's childlike innocence is infectious. It serves as a counterbalance to the serious, anger-driven motives of the Fire Nation. Shyamalan also spent far too much of the story's runtime relying on character voice-overs to explain backstory. You know, the medium of film can also be used to create these wonderful things known as flashbacks. Next time, use them instead of boring the audience to tears with exposition.

The Money Shot
I hoped The Last Airbender would be the beginning of a fantasy franchise I'd actually care to follow. I also thought it would restore my faith in Shyamalan's skills as a director. I can safely say that I won't waste another dollar on future installments as long as Shyamalan is at the helm.

In Rome, Lots of Love for Bell

When in Rome

Release: 01.29.10
DVD Release: 06.15.10
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 31 minutes


Second Run Seats

Keeping with yesterday's confession of contracting TVD, today's review will feature an actress who caught my attention with her short-lived-despite-being-awesome series, Veronica Mars.

Beth (Kristen Bell, Forgetting Sarah Marshall) is a New York gal and curator at the Guggenheim who only has eyes for her latest exhibition. However, she must tear herself away from work to attend her sister's wedding in Rome (such a sacrifice, I know!). As fate would have it, bad cell phone service leads her to the Blackberry of the handsome best man, Nick (Josh Duhamel, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton). Complications arise and, angry for opening herself up to kismet, Beth enacts revenge on fate by stealing five coins from the magical fountain of love. Once back at work in NYC, Beth finds she's attracted five suitors, Nick included, thanks to her Rome shenanigans.

When a movie bases its premise literally on the magic of love, you should give it some leeway in the reality department. For example, when Beth needs a centerpiece for her exhibit, it's convenient that Nick happens to own a rarely seen work that exactly matches her show's theme. Even better; having a starving painter, struggling street magician, male model and the sausage king (I assume of New York, not Chicago) happen to live in the same city as Beth despite tossing their wishes of love in a fountain a quarter-way around the world.

When in Rome scores with its slam dunk casting. Beth's four non-Nick suitors are played by Will Arnett (Hot Rod), Jon Heder (Just Like Heaven), Dax Shepard (Baby Mama), and Danny Devito (The Oh in Ohio) and each is as silly and funny as the next. One less suitor could have helped refocus the story on the romantic resolution, but I'd be hard-pressed to pick which to axe. Current SNL cast member Bobby Moynihan (Mystery Team) yucks it up as Nick's friend; he's the next big thing, trust me. Even TV veteran, Don Johnson (TV: Miami Vice), pops up at the wedding as Beth's dear old dad (not to spoil it, but he didn't sing Heartbeat at the reception).

Dirty Undies
I don't recall anything too racy. Beth's sister Joan (Alexis Dziena, Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist) parades around in an apron and her wedded bliss. If Dax Shepard floats your boat, he's quick to go shirtless, putting his sick puppies, a.k.a. abs, on display. Generally, you have to let your imagination run wild about Duhamel or Bell. As long as Bell is showing off those killer gams I'm happy. I'd be happier if I could wrap those thighs around my head like ear muffs...what?! To lift her above the crowd so she can lead a cheer to her awesomeness. She is rather petite, you know.

The Money Shot
Fans of Kristen Bell, and soon-to-be fans of Kristen Bell should see this because, well, she rocks even in lackluster films (I know, I've seen Fanboys). If you can overlook the little (and big) plot contrivances and roll with the cheesy vibe, you'll find When in Rome fairly enjoyable.

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Double Team'd: Jackie vs. Robert

Those who know me, knew this was coming. After watching the remake of Nightmare on Elm Street, the itch to revisit the original was one that had to be scratched...and only four finger knives could reach that sweet spot. With both versions etched in my mind, let's do a little compare and contrast.


A Nightmare on Elm Street


Release: 11.16.84
DVD Release: 08.21.01
Rated R
1 hour, 31 minutes

Matinee



Tina (Amanda Wyss, Better off Dead...) is having horrible dreams; a man with a melted face and long fingernails keeps chasing her. Her friend, Nancy (Heather Lagenkamp, TV: Just the Ten of Us ), is having similar nightmares. Although their respective boyfriends, Rod (Jsu Garcia, Predator 2) and Glen (Johnny Depp, Secret Window), won't admit it, they too are haunted by this disfigured boogeyman. When Nancy explains the phenomenon to her folks, they clam up. Nancy tries desperately to uncover the truth, keep herself awake, and stay clear of the grizzly knives.

This movie was the shit back in the day! Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund, TV: V) caused nightmares for millions of kids for days on end. Over twenty-five years later, a few choice images remain as frightening as ever, while the age and silliness of other moments are glaring. Written and directed by Wes Craven (The Last House on the Left), Freddy is an excellent spin on the boogeyman. A child murderer, long thought dead returns, not to life, but as a nightmare in the minds of the neighborhood's surviving, now teen-aged children. Occasionally Craven blurred the lines between the dreamworld and reality for the sake of a good scare, but the scare was worthy enough for him to be forgiven.

Like many horror flicks, Nigthtmare surrounds one or two solid performances with, well, not-so great actors. Everyone plays second fiddle to Englund's Freddy. Sure, he runs goofily and only pops in briefly, but that get-up was hot as hell back then. John Saxon (Enter the Dragon) makes a brief, but solid appearance as the no-nonsense police lieutenant and Nancy's dad. In his first film role, Depp's potential is obvious.

Dirty Undies
I was seriously crushin' on Lagenkamp as a youth, and there's still something about that frizzy hair and overbite that stirs my loins. It may also be that her sweater puppies were more like full-grown sweater poms. Watching it again, I was still disappointed when she showed nothing more than some shadowy side-bump. I'm not being a dirty old man; in true horror fashion, these fifteen-year olds were all twenty and up at the time.

As slow and tedious as Nightmare can be, Craven makes up for it with some gruesome murders. Geysers of blood spew the last ounce of life from these poor kids. Craven even smacks one kid with another; that shit is just wrong - but oh, so funny.

The Money Shot
Like many horror franchises, the first installment isn't necessarily the greatest, but it's great for introducing the world to an iconic character. Nightmare on Elm Street is slow and rough around the edges, but it left audiences clamoring for more. In the end, that's all a horror fan really wants.



A Nightmare on Elm Street


Release: 04.30.10
Rated R
1 hour, 35 minutes


A Netflix Night



Kris (Katie Cassidy, Black Christmas), worried about her boyfriend Dean's (Kellan Lutz, Twilight) erratic behavior of late, finds him at the Springwood Diner tossing back the coffee as fast as his waitress and fellow classmate, Nancy (Rooney Mara, Youth in Revolt), can pour it. A short time later, Kris, Nancy, Quentin (Kyle Gallner, Jennifer's Body) and Jesse (Thomas Dekker, Village of the Damned) are at Dean's funeral andtheir mention of the burnt man in their nightmares makes their parents quickly drag them home. Kyle and Nancy try desperately to uncover the truth, keep themselves awake, and stay clear of the grizzly knives.

After an effectively gruesome opening, Nightmare quickly degraded into the longest, dullest ninety minutes of my life. From the onset, seeds of doubt are planted that the five teens in peril are more closely connected than their occasional passing in the high school's halls. Watching their parent's squirm when questions about Freddy Krueger (Jackie Earle Haley, Watchmen) arise is initially intriguing, but as the mystery unravels, the resolution grows exponentially ridiculous.

Music video director Samuel Bayer and writers Wesley Strick (Wolf) and Eric Heisserer construct their remake from a highlights reel of Wes Craven's (The Hills Have Eyes) iconic creation. Key frightening sequences from the original are improved only in the quality of the effects, and abbreviated to the point of being ineffectual. Bayer also blurs the dream world/real world line, but the pay off isn't worth the inconsistency.

Stepping into the shoes of an iconic role is no small task, but Haley's portrayal is creepy and fear-inspiring. The shick-shick-shick sound of his finger knives as he fluttered them by his side was an especially nice touch. It got old watching him drag his nails along one rusty piece of metal to another, but I blame the director for uninspired film-making and not the actor wearing the glove. I wasn't as thrilled by the ashy look of the new Freddy either, but I grew up with the image of wrinkled, pocked flesh seared in my mind.

Dirty Undies
Nightmare's opening sequence is unnerving and sets the bar high for the kills that follow. Unfortunately, the others pale in comparison. A few genuine jump-out-of-your-seat moments occur, but mostly it's a bunch of flash with little bang.

The Money Shot
As the Wonder Twins, Nancy and Quentin, crisscross the town searching for clues, you just wish they'd fall asleep so we can get this exercise in tedium over. I'm not usually in favor of a frame-for-frame remake, but that would have been preferable to the nightmare these revisions created.



Original Recipe or Extra Crispy? (Spoilers)
Remakes are the nature of the business. I long ago accepted that fact and try to quash the bile that rises from my throat when I hear about one of my beloved films being revisited. I want to point out a few key elements the new Nightmare crew changed which ultimately screwed the pooch. My first issue is minor. The original gang were all friends; the new batch, obviously not. It may not seem like a huge deal, but it's important as a tool to relate their experiences with the boogeyman.

The biggest letdown in Nightmare is it never puts a face to the monster. In the original, Freddy has murdered twenty children, but he's set free due to improper evidence collection by the local police (I've watched enough Dexter to know the FBI would have been called in on a serial killer case of that magnitude). Point is, Craven made Freddy a vile, despicable person. The remake pussy-foots around Freddy's crimes, merely insinuating he's a child molester. Dammit you film-making morons, this is an R-rated movie! We're all adults here; there's no need to sugarcoat what Freddy is.

That brings me to another crucial flaw in the re-imagining. In the original, Nancy's dad covered up the evidence of Freddy's murder because he had the police know-how to do so. In the remake, Quentin's dad, a high school principal, masterminds the cover-up. How in fuck-all hell does that happen? I don't care how intimidating Clancy Brown (Highlander) is, there's still going to be questions when the nice gardener disappears.

Lastly, as I get older I remember less and less from my childhood. You know what I do remember? The really awesome times like finding Castle Greyskull under the Christmas tree, or the really terrible times like when my dad held me up by the arm and beat me like a piñata for misbehaving. I'm thinking that if a creepy gardener lured me and my friends to his sex hole to cut us and touch our pee-pees, that sort of thing would stick with me. Just saying.

Double Team'd: Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Can See

The Road


Release: 11.25.09
Rated R
1 hour, 52 minutes


See It, Take A Friend, Buy the DVD!

Two Thumb Nubs Up!

Following undisclosed apocalyptic events, a Man (Viggo Mortensen, Hidalgo) and his Boy (Kodi Smit-McPhee) trek towards the coast across a dying world. The frigid weather and falling trees they encounter are as perilous as the bands of cannibals. All the while, the Man teaches the Boy how to survive; to tell the good from the bad, what is right from what is wrong and how important it is that he stay on the road.

To call The Road bleak is an understatement. Director John Hillcoat casts a pall of gray over the surroundings and emotions of the duo. In one scene, Man offers Boy the last dried insect from their food stores, and as I munched on my concessions I thought, "this is the most savory popcorn I've ever eaten!"

It's not a movie to walk into lightly. It examines the human condition in the worst of scenarios. Hillcoat does little to explain the significance of the details (a lack of thumbs on some characters, for example); the meaning must be inferred. It's frustrating, but equally satisfying. The Road provides viewers the opportunity to examine who they would be when faced with such dire circumstances.

Mortensen nails the wild-eyed, determination of Man as he fights physical and emotional hardships to protect his son and reach the coast. Though scarce, supporting performances by Charlize Theron (The Cider House Rules) and Robert Duvall (Open Range) are as moving and depressing as Mortensen.

Dirty Undies
Bloody imagery of cannibalistic practices are present, though no one ever gorges on flesh onscreen. The scariest flesh you'll see is Mortensen's grungy, emaciated ass as Man and Boy go for a cleansing dip. The callous acts of some characters are far more hurtful and disturbing than any of the violent scenes.

The Money Shot
Like the end of days, The Road is not for everyone. It took me weeks to get in the mindset to face the dismal story. Those audiences who do see it will never feel so fortunate as they will after leaving The Road - unless, of course, some post-apocalyptic event occurs during the screening.



The Book of Eli


Release: 01.15.10
Rated R
1 hour, 58 minutes


Second Run Seats

Sometimes a Heated Rush is Preferable to a Slow Hand.

The world as we know it ended thirty years prior, and since that time Eli (Denzel Washington, Fallen) has been headed west. If someone asks, he simply replies that he has someplace to be. Carnegie (Gary Oldman, Dracula) rules over a desert shantytown, sending minions to search for a book of great power. When Carnegie discovers the traveler Eli possesses the book, he uses all his resources to try and take it for himself.

After nine years out of the director's seat, the Hughes Brothers (From Hell) return with a movie that's overflowing with style, though substantially short on substance. A stark, washed-out landscape that stretches as far as the eye can see isn't the most exciting setting for watching a whole lot of nothing happen in slow motion. Being that it's Denzel walking in slow motion is the only reason it's even remotely interesting. Let's face it, the man's a cinematic rainmaker. Oldman is a great actor, though there's this odd sort of tenseness with his portrayal of the obsessed Carnegie.

Eli is a secretive, solitary man. His purpose, his past, and his book he keeps hidden. The only way we learn his name is from a name tag, which he also keeps hidden in his bag. The Book of Eli is the same way. The movie seems hellbent on not revealing the plot, and when all is revealed, (the nature of the book, Carnegie's motivations, etc.), it's anti-climatic. It's like torturing a man for days to discover his identity when you could have just checked his wallet at the start.

Dirty Undies
The Book of Eli isn't all slow-motion perambulation; there are five solid scenes of hard-hitting action...mostly in slow motion. The explosive, blood-gushing, head-lobbing action is thrilling, just sparse. Though the future is bleak, it's good to know no matter how grungy and filthy it gets, Mila Kunis (Max Payne) will still be hot enough that I'd want her to rub her stank all over me.

The Money Shot
The Book of Eli is a two-hour movie with a solid eighty-minute story. Well-acted performances and gritty action scenes make another ten minutes watchable. That still leaves a half-hour for audiences to wish the world would go ahead and end already.

The Jizt: The Soloist

In this fast-paced world of blogging, tweeting and fly-by-night film voyeurism, sometimes one doesn't have the time to give a film proper treatment. More importantly, others do not always have the time to read it. Sometimes you just have to take it around back and squeeze one out in 1-2-3 quick licks. Think of The Jizt as the wham, bam, thank you ma'am of reviews.



The Soloist


Release: 04.24.09
DVD Release: 08.04.09
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 57 minutes


Second Run Seats



Cast: Jamie Foxx (Ray), Robert Downey, Jr. (Zodiac), Catherine Keener (Capote)

The Build-up: LA Times reporter Steve Lopez has been a victim of a selfish kind of love until he meets Nathaniel Ayers, a man with no home and a washed-out dream, and decides he's gonna make a change to this music prodigy's life.

The Blurt-out: When five minutes of celluloid are devoted to a Windows Media Player visualization, it's obvious the director has become self-indulgent.

The Jizt: The highest production values and most brilliant performances I've ever seen for a Sunday-morning charity infomercial.

What's wrong Nathaniel, It's just the littlest bit of Jizt.

We Don't HaveTime for One "The" Let Alone Two

Fast & Furious


Release: 04.03.09
DVD Release: 07.28.09
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 47 minutes


Second Run Seats


The original cast of The Fast and the Furious reunite to drop the unnecessary articles and answer the eight year-old question: what have these stimulating characters been up to? The short answer is pretty much the same damn thing as when we left them. Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) is still stealing cars and knocking boots with his main squeeze Letty (Michelle Rodriguez). His sister Mia (Jordana Brewster) worries about them and lives her uninteresting off-camera life. Meanwhile, former friend Brian O'Conner (Paul Walker) is still working for the law to take down the bad guys.

If you're looking for specific details, Dome, um, sorry, Dom is back in LA on the vengeance tip to wreck a drug lord's shit. Coincidentally, Brain, I mean Brian, has been investigating Campos (John Ortiz, Miami Vice), the main recruiter for the drug lord Braga's organization. Mia and Letty...well, at least they got a paycheck. Dome and Brain repeatedly butt heads while infiltrating the organization only to begrudgingly partner when they realize two is better than one.

"Does this fire make my eyes less pretty?"

Director Justin Lin (Annapolis) assembles some exciting and well shot chases, though getting Diesel to portray a sympathethic Dome would prove impossible even for the best of directors. You should know I have no love for Diesel, and F&F does little to improve my opinion. Diesel always comes off as too tough. I appreciate a good Willis-esque or Stallone-ish quipping with my action, so seeing him stand swollenly by when he could incite stroke-inducing anger with a few words is just unacceptable.

I'm being sarcastic on the inside, can't you tell?

I shouldn't blame Diesel completely. Writer Chris Morgan (Wanted) should have given him some snarky lines instead of the instruction "stare blankly." Valuable minutes are eaten away wrapping Dome's vendetta and Brain's covert operation into a convenient package or validating the need for Jordana Brewster. It would've been nicer if they explained how a rotation of cops outside Mia's house found it impossible to apprehend Dome, though he spent days in her open garage rebuilding his old ride. For serious.

"Guys, do you need me yet..at all?"

Dirty Undies
Detailed plot points aren't what draws audiences into F&F. It's Diesel's beefy bod and Walker's baby blues as they wrestle each other's gearsticks in heart-pounding races. For me it was about seeing the hotness of MRod, which I got to do for all three of her minutes of screentime. Unforgivable!

"Soak it up folks, this is the most you get."

Lin did make up for it by making F&F a teen boy's wet dream. My friend and I are still unclear why an LA road race party had an attendance of 2,000 people: twelve dudes either racing or judging and 1,988 smoking hot women in high heels and short skirts, itching to lick carpet.

The Money Shot
Random hotties and fast paced action go a long way to making an action movie tolerable. Audiences can forgive some hamfisted drama and needless twists if the payout is an afternoon of mindless entertainment. Dome and the Brain have steered this franchise back into the black despite having a story that's running on fumes.

Coraline? More Like BOREaline!

Coraline


Release: 02.06.09
DVD Release: 07.21.09
Rated PG
1 hour, 40 minutes


Second Run Seats


Coraline Jones (Dakota Fanning, I Am Sam) is the new kid on the block, or more appropriately, the only kid at the apartments where she moves with her parents. As Mother (Teri Hatcher, Tomorrow Never Dies) and Father (John Hodgman, Baby Mama) type away at their garden catalog, Coraline searches for excitement and uncovers a small locked door. In the wee hours of the morning, Coraline discovers the door opens to a magical world where she meets fun and interesting versions of the people she knows. To make this world her reality, all Coraline need do is trade in her eyes for buttons like those her Other Mother has.

Writer-director Henry Selick (Monkeybone) turns Neil Gaiman's book into a warm and inviting spectacle. I didn't have the pleasure of seeing it in 3-D, and I can't help but wonder how more impressive the peculiar antics and acrobatics of Coraline's neighbors Mr. Bobinsky (Ian McShane, Kung Fu Panda), Miss Forcible (Dawn French, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban) and Miss Spink (Jennifer Saunders, Shrek 2) would have been. Still, Selick makes the colors pop and the screen literally blossoms with creativity.

Sadly, the script pales in comparison. Coraline's real world is dull and uninteresting. Mother and Father are inconvenienced by her presence. Her only companion is Wybie (Robert Bailey, Jr., The Happening), the grandson of the tenant house's landlord. Sadly,Wybie's Cat is far more interesting, and not only because he's voiced by Keith David (TV: Gargoyles) in the Other World.

In the Other World, Coraline quickly becomes a nuisance to Other Mother and the Other residents. Even when Coraline must uncover the truth behind Other Mother, the resolution is tedious and unclear. Key plot points which should have been amply foreshadowed in the previous acts for the sake of its kid-centric target audience are rushed into the third act.

Dirty Undies
You'd think an animated PG kid's film wouldn't have any unmentionables, but Coraline is rife with adult fare; yea for me, boo for the chits. At one point, the elderly Miss Spink whips out her jugs for all to behold. Granted, the nipples are covered, but little else is left to the imagination. On the darker side, the Other Wybie has his face stitched into a permanent smile to please Other Mother, which is just creepy for a viewer of any age. Danger and death abound so parents, consider yourself duly warned.

The Money Shot
Coraline is astounding to behold yet surprisingly arduous to sit through. The vibrant colors of the DVD advertisements snap and pop on my HDTV; I am tempted to watch it again. But like Coraline, I'm wise to things that look too good to be true.

Robots Rock! People Suck.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen


Release: 06.24.09
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 30 minutes


Second Run Seats


Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) and his Autobots are working with the American military to track and eliminate the Decepticons remaining on Earth. These rogue Decepticons are actually scouring the globe as part of a plot by the ancient Transformer known only as the Fallen (Tony Todd, The Rock). Their scheme is to recover a shard of the All Spark, revive Megatron (Hugo Weaving, V for Vendetta), locate the Matrix of Knowledge, destroy Optimus, and rape the Earth of its Energon; not necessarily in that order.

For a film about robots, Revenge wastes a HUGE amount of time filling the minutes with extraneous details about the ineffectual ants littering the screen. I don't give one drippy ounce of flaccid ejaculate about Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf, Constantine) embarking on his college adventure, his relationship with smokin' hot girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox, Transformers), his dillweed roommate, or his parents and their obnoxious hijinks. I also don't give one smelly fart about the walking-talking dildo of a government agent hell-bent on dismantling NEST: that's the robot-human military team comprised of Major Lennox (Josh Duhamel, Turistas), Master Sergeant Epps (Tyrese Gibson, Annapolis) and an army of bodybags.

Unlike many critics, I harbor no inherent disdain for director Michael Bay (Bad Boys). I enjoyed the hell out of The Rock, Armageddon, and The Island. Also, he's the last director to give Theresa Randle a role in a major motion picture, which deserves some respect. But frankly, he doesn't know dick about making a quality sequel as evidenced first in Bad Boys II, and even more so with Revenge of the Fallen.

With the history established in Transformers, Bay needed to develop the human face of the robots, but Revenge couldn't make us care less. Don't say people can't care for robots; damn near every person in the world went all weepy over a talking trash compactor on treads last year. Writers Ehren Kruger (Skeleton Key), Robert Orci (Legend of Zorro), and Alex Kurtzman (Star Trek) could have crafted more than robot caricatures if they hadn't wasted pages stitching in slap-dash scenes for those meddling humans. It also might have helped if Bay had stopped the gorram camera from zooming and spinning for five friggin' seconds!

Dirty Undies
Oh Megan, you are a pretty one aren't you? You've got a tight body, lovely deep blue eyes and one hollow melon on your shoulders. A word of advice; when you audition for your next role, you want to choke it down your throat. Being repeatedly poked in the brainpan will only worsen your deteriorating mental state. Stay foxy.


Open Prime's glovebox and you'll find a his wallet etched with "Bad Motherfucker." In a fantastic forest battle, Optimus wrecks several Decepticons proving he will stop at nothing to protect the human race. If you're a Decepticon locked in hand-to-hand combat, watch out man! Optimus will rip your fucking face off, punch a hole through your chest, and slice a hole in your engine block with a quickness! No wonder he's the Autobot leader; he'd shove the opposition's muffler so far up their ass they'd choke on exhaust before they could even challenge him.

The Money Shot
I had to throw up my hands in disbelief when half-way through Revenge John Turturro's character, Simmons, says, "Let's not get episodic. Beginning. Middle. End. The plot. Tell it!" Why, for the love of all that is holy, would the writers put such an instruction in the script and fail so miserably to adhere to it?! Bay's explosions and action sequences are phenomenal and the feat of coordinating actors with the astounding CGI and effects is no simple task, but let's face it, Revenge is lazy storytelling.

Somebody Save Me

Terminator Salvation
Release: 05.21.09
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 10 minutes

Second Run Seats


It's 2003 and Marcus Wright (Sam Worthington, Hart's War) wishes Dr. Serena Kogan (Helena Bonham Carter, Planet of the Apes) would just leave so he can be lethally injected in peace. Fast forward to 2018 and a troop of resistance fighters raid a Skynet research facility, discovering a slew of dissected humans. When their raid goes awry, the only surviving soldier, John Connor (Christian Bale, Equilibrium) is airlifted back to base, but not before meeting with Resistance leaders who reveal to him a new weapon which may cripple the machines.

Let's revisit the Marcus Wright introduction. Thanks to the ten thousand adverts, we all know that Marcus ain't quite "Wright." Instead of saving his revealing history for the second act, director McG (Charlie's Angels) whips out the goods and starts shaking it, killing nearly all mystery surrounding this character. Following that flaccid reveal is nearly two hours of tedium. Things go boom, characters stare a lot, but little of consequence occurs. Don't believe me, ask them:

'Sup. I'm Common (Wanted) and I play Barnes, the brother soldier who stands next to John Connor. I stand around and stare like this in about five scenes. I can't believe I got my SAG card for this?!

You damn well better know me, I'm Michael F'n Ironside (Highlander II)! As Resistance Leader General Ashdown, I give Connor shit for his hella lame ideas. Who cast me as a leader? Everyone knows I get hired to wreck shit or hunt down Douglas Quaid; I don't do talky savior of humanity.

Can you believe I used to date Spider-Man? Now I, Bryce Dallas Howard (The Village), fell for Connor's "I'm the future savior of humanity" line. As his wife Kate, I mostly give advice and look concerned while wearing a belt way above my impregnated belly. Though the world is overrun by machines, one must sport a fashionably high waistline at all times.

Anton Yelchin (Star Trek) here. Am I the only person taking this film seriously? As Kyle Reese I'm the bomb-diggity...if I do say so myself. I just wish my elaborate desert car chase wasn't edited so poorly.

Hi everyone. My name is Jadagrace. I play Kyle Reese's friend Star and I am this many years old. I don't speak, but I go stiff and look scared when a machine draws near. The director told me that there's nothing cuter than a child in peril in post-apocalyptic movies. Don't you agree?

Hey folks, I'm Sam Worthington. I get to play it rough and tough while being confused as to how I have survived lethal injection AND Judgment Day. As more and more is revealed about Marcus, I allow my Australian accent to return. By the climax, I was ready to slip a Terminator on the barbie.

The name's not Boobgood, it's Moon Bloodgood (Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li). I play Blair, the hot one in Connor's ragtag bunch. I may seem hard on the outside, but I yearn for companionship. Marcus looks like a major upgrade to my sybian.

My job as John Connor is difficult. I worry a lot about whether this new weapon will work and if the Resistance leaders' plan is what's best for humanity. Screw the Resistance leaders and screw Skynet! I have my own plan. Now if you'll excuse me, I must reassure the huddled masses of soldiers that they will all be dead unless they believe.

FYI, from right to left Kyle, Star, Blair, Kate and John with Marcus playing guitar. Due to a no-compete clause with his label, Common could not participate.

Bring on the Terminators, bitches!

Dirty Undies
You hire Moon Boobgood and don't even let the twins peak from behind the jacket? Meanwhile, Sam Worthington runs around naked with CGI mud covering his junk to keep the censors happy. A lot of people supposedly die, but we don't see too much of it. There's lots of big robots crafted like Matryoshka dolls that make lots of noise and blow up lots of shit, but they mostly look pretty bad doing it.

Connor versus the machines is an ongoing theme in the Terminator franchise, but you wouldn't know it since he only gets to throw down at the film's beginning and end. The big final battle took Salvation to new heights, not difficult to do since it'd been stinking up the screen until that moment.

The Money Shot
I needed my Terminator spirits lifted after FOX castrated my hopes for a Sarah Connor Chronicles, Season 3. Instead I got two hours and three minutes of actors staring at less than spectacular effects erupt against the dreary, washed out aesthetic. McG delivered a jumbled mess of storytelling and loud stunts that has done little to revitalize the franchise.