Week of Reel Whorror!: Dead is Better Day 3

Zombie Strippers

Release: 04.18.08
Rated R
1 hour, 34 minutes

Second Run Seats

Stop me if you've heard this one; a soldier infected with an engineered virus stumbles into an illegal strip club and bites its headliner, Kat (Jenna Jameson, Private Parts). Despite dying, Kat rises from the dead, with her faculties and dexterity intact (unlike her infector), and promptly goes back to working the pole. The only real change, aside from the gaping hole in her throat, is she now prefers to be paid in man-flesh rather than dollar bills. Though the patrons are dropping like flies, club owner Ian (Robert Englund, Hatchet) doesn't care because guys are going wild to see zombie strippers!

You'd think Reel Whore would be equally wild about strippers nudefying themselves to lure men into the private room and literally devour them, but it was no great shakes. Granted, I didn't expect more than zombies and strippers and the combination of the two, but in the end I wanted... less.  

Zombie Strippers opens on an "elite" special forces team sent to eradicate the zombie threat. It's a testosterone-engorged bloodbath that establishes the hokey, low-budget mood. The strip club is where things really go wrong, both behind and in front of, the camera. Writer-director Jay Lee effectively illustrates the seedy, sex-crazed nature of the club, but introduces contemplative strippers who work hard for the money while seeking higher enlightenment. The awkwardly muttered philosophizing is kitschy at first, but when it's still spewing at the eighty-minute mark it's bothersome.

Dirty Undies

If you've come looking for stripping and zombie stripping, you'll get your fill twice over. Some actresses, like veteran adult performer Jameson, are quite impressive in both pre- and post-mortem forms. Others look sexy and then disturbingly hot as they do their Stripper 101 routines. Stripping in one form or another accounts for at least forty-five minutes of the movie, so if you were hoping for more substantial story, I suggest you move along. Stripping works up quite an appetite; the girls rip their patrons apart like tear-away hot pants, spilling spongy, right-red innards everywhere.

The Money Shot

I wish I could say come for the zombie strippers, stay for the story, but I'd be lying. As enjoyable as it can be at times, Zombie Strippers has a lot of wasted potential. Even mindless entertainment shouldn't leave audiences craving more. 

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A Quickie: Lakeview Terrace

Lakeview Terrace

Release: 09.19.08
DVD Release: 01.27.09
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 50 minutes


Second Run Seats

It took me a while longer than anticipated, but here is my review of Lakeview Terrace, which was selected by you stargazers during my January poll. I decided to skip the traditional review and opt instead for an abbreviated script which captures the film's essence. Enjoy.

SCENE - Abel Spies the New Neighbors.

Abel Turner (Samuel L. Jackson, Freedomland), peers into his neighbor's yard. A sexy, petite chocolate drop (Kerry Washington, She Hate Me) is draped in the arms of an older Suga Daddy. A young, strapping white dude (Patrick Wilson, Little Children) carries boxes into the house.

Abel: (mutters to himself) I'll Be Damned! My Brother Is Moving On Up!

As Suga Daddy inspects the pool, the 'mover' sneaks a Hershey's kiss from the sweet thing.

Abel: (mutters to himself) I'll Be Damned! My Sister Is Slumming It!

SCENE - Abel and the Mattsons Meet

Chris: Hi, I'm the eco-conscious but shallow husband character, Chris. This is my equally hollow character of a wife, Lisa.

Abel: I Thought You Were The Great White Hype, Doing All That Heavy Lifting!

Chris: I do swing some solid pipe, if ya know what I'm saying!

Abel: It's 'You' Not 'Ya.' Speak English!

Chris: What?

Abel: They Speak English In What?!

Lisa: (interrupting) Hello guys. Don't pay me any mind. I'll have less screentime here than in Common's I Want You music video.

SCENE - Abel and Chris Bond.

Chris: Um, Abel, me and the wifey can't get our groove on with your security lights blaring in our window.

Abel: I'm Sorry! Do They Break Your Concentration?!

Chris: Have I done something to upset you? Why are you yelling?

Abel: I Can't Stop Yelling Because That's The Way I Talk!

Chris: Never mind. (walks away.)

Abel: Later, Vanilla Ice!

SCENE - Chris and Lisa Talk.

Chris: Abel doesn't like me. I think he's mad I'm swimming in your chocolate waterfall.

Lisa: My poor boo. Come here, part the seas and give me a baby.

Chris: Not now, honey. I want to install these lights to piss off Abel.

Lisa: How about we turn on the blue light and go half on a baby?

Chris: In a minute. I need to plant hedges to keep Abel out of our business.

Lisa: How about you plant your seed in me? I want a baby!

Chris: I'm stressed. I need to smoke a cigarette and have a drink.

Lisa: But baby? Baby baby, baby baby baby baby.

SCENE - Abel and Chris Share Drinks.

Abel: Hey! White Devil! How The Hell Are You?!

Chris: (rolling eyes) Leave me alone, Abel.

Abel: My Friends Call Me Mr. Glass!

Chris: What?

Abel: I'm Just Rustling Your Cage, Cracker! Have A Drink On Me!

Chris: You are one crazy bastard.

Abel: Correctamundo! I'm A Mushroom-Cloud Laying Mother-------! I Have Had It With Your Mother------- Snake in Her Mother------- Pants!

SCENE - The Mattsons-Abel Confrontation.

Chris: Run, Lisa! He's trying to kill us!

Lisa: Huh? What? Am I still in this movie? Why?

Abel: Yes, You're Still In It! You Deserve To Die and I Hope You Burn In Hell!

Chris: Yo Lisa, check it, I got this!

(Lisa runs.)

Abel: I'm Going To Crumble You Like Zestas in Tomato Soup!

Chris: Not if I put a bullet through your skull, you looney eight ball!

Abel: I'm Going To Be On You Like White On Rice!

Chris: Now you're not even making sense.

Abel: They Ate Me. A Freaking Shark Ate Me!

(Patrick Wilson throws hands in the air and walks off set.)

THE END

The Big 'O': Oscar Gang Bang

For us film fans, tomorrow is the big event. The 81st Annual Academy Awards will air, honoring some of the best films from 2008. I hit some speed bumps this year when it came to viewing all the nominees, but I managed to review these films in the running:

The Dark Knight, Hellboy II: The Golden Army, Iron Man, Kung Fu Panda, Tropic Thunder, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Wall-E, and Wanted.

These last few weeks I've been doing my best to to catch up on the other big nominees. While I've done a decent job of seeing these films, I've done a piss-poor job of reviewing them. In an effort to clean my review house, it's time that I show you my O-face. Because there are so many to review, I may forgo discussing in detail the various performance and technical merits. Given the vast number of nominations and awards already received by these films, I don't think you'll mind. Reviews are listed in alphabetical order.


Changeling

Release: 10.24.08
DVD Release: 02.17.09
2 hours, 21 minutes
Rated R

Full Price

In the 1920's, LA resident Christine Collins (Angelina Jolie, A Mighty Heart) comes home from work to find that her son Walter is missing. She quickly contacts the LAPD who, in due course, begin searching for her lost boy. Ecstatic to learn they have found Walter, Christine is shocked to find herself being bullied into accepting a strange child in a ploy by the LAPD to generate positive publicity.

I'm a sucker for any film directed by Clint Eastwood (Gran Torino). There is an unmistakable amount of care and attention taken with all his projects and this is no exception. Jolie's performance spans the gamut of emotions without missing a beat. I'd appreciate it if she would gain about 10-15 pounds, but that's neither here nor there. Changeling hides some unexpected twists, twists that are very disturbing given the truth in which this story is based. What keeps Changeling from perfection is it stumbles in juggling multiple storylines over a long period of time. It may be true to the events, but the devil's in the details.


The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Release: 12.25.08
2 hours, 46 minutes
Rated PG-13

Full Price


Benjamin Button (Brad Pitt, Ocean's Eleven) is indeed a curious case. He's born with ailments of the geriatric but grows stronger, healthier and younger. As this unique man's journey crosses paths with people traveling in opposite directions, Benjamin learns to enjoy the moments where their time intertwines.

Speaking of time, The Curious Case is one long mo'fo' movie! Surprisingly, the beautiful spectacle of his life, and the need to know his life story, provides compelling reasons to sit through the film. The lovers-in-the-night romance between Ben and Daisy (Cate Blanchett, Babel) serves as the foundation for the extraordinary tale. Great performances and crisp visuals aside, I find it curious how quickly this film has faded from my memory and more curious that I don't care to see it again.


Doubt

Release: 12.12.08
1 hour, 44 minutes
Rated PG-13

Full Price


Sister Aloysius Beauvier (Meryl Streep, Devil Wears Prada), head nun and school principal, suspects Father Flynn (Philip Seymour Hoffman, Magnolia) of unscrupulous behavior with a black student. The implications of this in the recently integrated school along with the changing cultural climate of the Catholic church in the 1960's cause the Sister and Father to lock horns. Meanwhile, innocent Sister James (Amy Adams, Junebug) struggles to find the truth of the matter.

Adapted from a play, Doubt is driven by the high caliber of its performances and writing. It's easy to see why Streep, Hoffman, Adams and Viola Davis (Syriana) are all nominated as is John Patrick Shanley (Congo) for the adaptation. Though it is a talkie, the well-crafted exchanges and the unfolding mystery keep you on the edge of your seat. Pardon the pun, but there is no doubt that this is a film not to be missed.


In Bruges

Release: 02.08.08
DVD Release: 06.24.08
1 hour, 47 minutes
Rated R

See It, Take a Friend, Buy the DVD!


Ray (Colin Farrell, Phone Booth) and Ken (Brendan Gleeson, Troy) are two assassins fresh off a hit who are instructed by their boss, Harry Waters (Ralph Fiennes, Red Dragon), to lay low in the small Belgian town of Bruges. While Ken finds the quaint town fascinating, Ray thinks Bruges is a shithole and their continued disagreement only escalates when Harry calls with their newest assignment.

In Bruges is a delight. It's full of profanity with a smattering of sex and drug use and some serious bloodshed. Writer-director Martin McDonagh even manages to toss in a surly dwarf without it seeming totally gratuitous. Farrell is hilarious and uncouth yet totally sympathetic. Gleeson was robbed by not being nominated. In Bruges is an unrefined gem that you simply have to watch to be entranced by its many facets.



Man on Wire

Release: 07.25.08
DVD Release: 12.09.08
1 hour, 34 minutes
Rated PG-13

See It, Take a Friend, Buy the DVD!


Man on Wire sits down to interview tightrope walker Philippe Petit, his friends and companions about the events that lead them to sneak into the World Trade Center, attach a tightrope and defy nature while astounding the world.

It's hard to believe that a man could have ever walked between the now non-existent Twin Towers on a thin length of cable. Not only must you see it to believe it, but you need also to look into the eyes of the man who resolved to accomplish it. Man on Wire retraces the birth of the seemingly impossible task and the earth-shattering impact it has on those involved.


Revolutionary Road

Release: 12.26.08
1 hour, 59 minutes
Rated R

Full Price


The story of Frank and April Wheeler (Leonardo DiCaprio, Blood Diamond and Kate Winslet, Little Children) occurs in a nice two-story home that rests on a hill on Revolutionary Road. Their friends all agree the Wheelers are such a great couple, but behind the facade are two horribly unhappy people trapped in the nightmare of conventional suburbia. The two bicker, fight and resolve to escape the fears that confront them at every turn.

Academy-nominated Michael Shannon (Bug) in a brief role is not the only memorable character in a film shunned for most acting accolades. The fiery combination of Kate and Leo works as they both love and hate one another. The main deterrent for many moviegoers may be the excessive arguing. If you can stomach their dysfunction, you'll find the Wheelers' extreme situation surprisingly relatable.


Slumdog Millionaire

Release: 11.12.08
2 hours
Rated R

See It, Take a Friend, Buy the DVD!


A young Mumbai man, Jamal Malik (Dev Patel), finds himself one question away from winning the grand prize on the Indian version of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" Convinced the uneducated slumdog is cheating, he is hauled into jail to be questioned by the Police Inspector (Irrfan Khan, The Namesake). As they retrace every question, Jamal recalls the tragic events in his life that have led him to this amazing crossroads.

The clever storytelling, pulsing score and amazing scenery had my attention rapt from the start. Some will argue that it's a bit too fantastical to be taken seriously. All year long I watch ridiculous films with clichés of love and loss but the masses expect me to swallow that garbage. (I'm looking at you, Wild Hogs!) Slumdog depicts one man's resolve to rise above his station despite all the odds that are stacked against him. It may be a cliche, but it is something to behold.


The Wrestler

Release: 12.17.08
1 hour, 55 minutes
Rated R

See It, Take a Friend, Buy the DVD!


Randy "The Ram" Robinson (Mickey Rourke, Sin City) is a professional wrestler from the days when 8-bit Nintendo was all the rage. Now, he wrestles weekends on the smaller ROH circuit. When he's forced to retire, Randy attempts to settle into a new life by making amends with his estranged daughter, Stephanie (Evan Rachel Wood, Thirteen), and creating a relationship with a local stripper, Cassidy (Marisa Tomei, My Cousin Vinny).

If you haven't heard by now, Mickey Rourke is awesome. For that matter, Marisa Tomei is awesome. Marisa Tomei's polework is pretty awesome, too. I was smitten with The Wrestler since the first trailer I ever saw and I promise it will not disappoint. Director Darren Aronofsky (Pi) crafts a tale so real and raw you can practically see the dirt under the nails, feel the cold New Jersey winds and smell the blood and sweat of every match. Powerful and phenomenal don't even begin to adequately describe this.

Secret Diary '08: Confessions Part VII

Whoops, I've let the Super Bowl distract me. Just kidding. Time to dispense with the jokes and make with the venti-sized Finale.

Award #11: 2008 Dirty Undies Award

Those who frequent the Reel Whore know that I enjoy any film that gives me something dirty to talk about. I try to acknowledge any appreciable measure of violence, gore, sex, nudity and general foulness in a film, though it's getting harder and harder in this kid-friendly, PG-13, over-the-pants-hand-job most films aspire to nowadays. Still, there are a good number of films that give up the goods. This award commends those films steeped in Dirty Undies.

The Sloppy Seconds:

Sex Drive; Zack and Miri Make a Porno; Midnight Meat Train; Rambo; The Ruins; In Bruges

And the winner of the 2008 Dirtiest Undies Award is:

Doomsday

Unlike 2007, this year's decision was very difficult. Each film managed to solidly claim one or two of the Dirty Undies elements but none quite mastered all the major excesses. In the end, Doomsday was such insanely depraved fun that it edged out the competition. It also helped Rhona Mitra command much respect for being a hottie and a badass.

Every year, I like to point out the movies that I feel were misjudged. A handful of films seem to never leave the theater, making beaucoup dollars despite being mediocre. Conversely, there are far more deserving films that get their screens limited and advertising cut in order to make room for more conventional fare. Here's my tip of the hat to those Severely Underrated and a wag of my finger at the Most Overrated films of 2008.

Severely Underrated	Most Overrated
Hamlet 2	WALL-E
Hellboy II: The Golden Army	Twilight
Midnight Meat Train	Hancock

Drumroll please!

It's taken seven days but I now present to you...

Award #12: 2008's Best and Worst By Genre:

Back on Day 1, I listed all the movies in contention for each genre. The time has come to announce the best film of the year, the two also-rans, and finally, the single worst film that robbed minutes away from my life.

ACTION

Best: Doomsday Sloppy Seconds: Quantum of Solace Sloppy Thirds: Transporter 3 Worst Attempt: The Forbidden Kingdom

Quantum had little chance of topping the perfection established in Casino Royale, and I say this as a huge Bond fan. Though decent, it couldn't hold a candle to the action-packed mayhem and hysteria of Doomsday.

For the second year in a row, a Jackie Chan film scrapes the bottom of the action barrel. I need to pop in Legend of the Drunken Master to remind myself of the good times.

COMEDY

Best: Hamlet 2 Sloppy Seconds: Kung Fu Panda Sloppy Thirds: The House Bunny Worst Attempt: Strange Wilderness

That's right. There is no ultimate love for Tropic Thunder, Step Brothers or Pineapple Express by the Reel Whore. Those three had hilarious moments with a lot of middling, overcompensating gags. With Hamlet 2, Kung Fu Panda and The House Bunny, I laughed harder and more consistently from beginning to end. Why waste time on uneven comedy?

As I look back on 2008, I am surprised to find that no other comedy sunk lower than Strange Wilderness. I really wanted to like this Steve Zhan flick, but the few scattered jokes really didn't improve with age.

DRAMA

Best: Slumdog Millionaire Sloppy Seconds: Doubt Sloppy Thirds: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Worst Attempt: Meet the Browns

Drama is always the most difficult category for me to judge. I must have been raised on too many Sly Stallone and Bill Murray flicks. But I know a winner when I see it, and Slumdog still sparkles in my mind with superb storytelling. Doubt narrowly fell to second though its performances were unmatched. Benjamin Button, despite its three hour runtime, is such a charismatic tale that you can't hate it.

I will give Tyler Perry credit for making some enjoyable films during his recent fame. However, Meet the Browns ain't one of them. Melodrama aside, severe miscasting and poor, poor technical execution will make your head hurt for days.

HORROR

Best: Quarantine Sloppy Seconds: Cloverfield Sloppy Thirds: Midnight Meat Train Worst Attempt: The Happening

All three of these films will have you on the edge of your seats, but Quarantine's heart-pounding mystery and graphic images rise to the top.

Last year, the worst horror film was Captivity, which I unaffectionately referred to as "CRAPTIVITY." It is fitting that this year's film has also received a re-dubbing, "The CRAPPENING." M. Night Shyamalan's latest disappointment earned its title for every moment it stole from me.

ROMANCE

Best: Forgetting Sarah Marshall Sloppy Seconds: Elegy Sloppy Thirds: Vicky Cristina Barcelona Worst Attempt: Over Her Dead Body

2008 was really a great year for romance films, but none had as much emotional depth, believability or Jason-Segel ball sack as Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Honestly, I don't even want to think about the suckfest that was Over Her Dead Body. Paul Rudd is dreamy but not even he could float this sinking turd.

SCI-FI/FANTASY

Best: The Dark Knight Sloppy Seconds: Hellboy II: The Golden Army Sloppy Thirds: Iron Man Worst Attempt: Max Payne

I don't think I need to explain my choices here.

I think I whipped this dead horse plenty just last week. I'll just say again, any film that wastes Mila Kunis and Olga Kurylenko deserves no love.

THRILLER

Best: Burn After Reading Sloppy Seconds: In Bruges Sloppy Thirds: The Bank Job Worst Attempt: Untraceable

It was a true photo finish between Burn After Reading and In Bruges. On the one hand, Bruges had the bottle scene and the shortarse. But Burn had the power of the Coens, the inanity of Brad Pitt and Sledgehammer. What more could you ask for?

Oh Untraceable, how do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways. Actually, let's skip all that and just hope that all my readers out there were lucky enough to dodge this bullet.

As with every year, I always find that a few films don't fit into my set genres. This year, five films were excluded from my established genre count. These films were: I.O.U.S.A.; Man on Wire; Religulous; Shine A Light; and Young@Heart. My personal favorite was Young@Heart though Man on Wire is a spectacular story. Of the five, I.O.U.S.A. comes off a bit dry but is so factually disturbing, especially given our current economic situation. I feel comfortable urging you to rent all of these great flicks.

***

That's all I wrote, folks. Agree? Disagree? Indifferent to it all? I'd love to hear what you have to say. In honor of my Top 7 of 2008, I have set up a poll on the right. Take a minute to vote on which of these seven films was the best. I'll be returning to my regular format tomorrow.

Thank you all for continuing to stop in and enjoy my site. Also, many thanks to those who have helped the site grow in 2008. I am looking forward to watching many, many 2009 films and cranking out some spanky reviews.

Secret Diary '08: Confession Part VI

It's the penultimate day of my Secret Diary, a review of 2008 films. Today I present two named awards. The Que Ridiculo! Award, named in honor of The Big Lebowski, is given to those moments that are just too preposterous to believe. While I understand some films are a plethora of insane moments, even those can cross the line into WTF! territory.

Award #9: 2008 Que Ridiculo! Award

The Sloppy Seconds:

Rambo John Rambo is a serious bad-ass, no question. What I do question is how in the fuck does a man larger than a baby elephant and wide as all outside somehow sneak amidst an entire Burmese army in broad daylight?!

27 Dresses
I've been to many a wedding so all the hideous bridesmaid dresses and Jane's obsessions are all completely acceptable. What's impossible to swallow is watching a bride, on her wedding day, relinquish her spotlight so some stranger can make amends.

You Don't Mess With the Zohan
There is little that Zohan does that is not incredibly hysterical and insane, especially with his many uses of hummus. However, when the neighborhood is burning around him, why not crack open a hydrant?

Step Brothers I never saw Jenkins in The Visitor in 2008 so I can't speak to his Academy-recognized performance. However, I think he should get knocked a point or two for having to divulge a ludicrous childhood dream to Dale and Brennan.

Hancock
Hancock isn't really a favorite in the public eye with his wanton destruction and nasty attitude. When he tries to reform by doing hard time, it's audiences who lose all respect for the movie when Hancock makes good on a vulgar promise.

Quarantine
Having not seen the original film, I can only say that this remake had me pumped from beginning to end. As our survivors scurry to find a safe haven, my heart was racing...until the baby made the film skip a beat of believability.

And the winner of the 2008 Que Ridiculo! Award is:

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I'm not a big Shia LaBeouf fan even if Spielberg thinks he's a gift to modern cinema. I lost my last inkling of respect as I watched him get crotch-smacked while straddling two trucks racing through the jungle. If that wasn't bad enough, he escapes his predicament a la Tarzan and turns all Mowgli as he gathers the monkeys to aid him in defeating the Ruskies. What-the-fuck-ever.

Award #10: 2008 Paula Jai Parker Award for Most Memorable Line

The Paula Jai Parker Award recognizes the most memorable line delivered in a movie. It honors the combined wittiness of well-written dialogue with unforgettable delivery by an actor. But many of you may be saying who is Paula Jai Parker? She's an under-appreciated actress who's been on the big screen for over a decade. In the context of this award, she nabbed it not once, but twice in a row. In honor of her efforts, I renamed it in 2006 in her honor. Yes, the past happened but it’s over, isn't it? Let's get to the award.

The Sloppy Seconds:

Charlie Bartlett

Principal Gardner (Robert Downey, Jr.)

"And so help me God, if you get out of line I will take a massive steaming dump on your life."

Religulous

Bill Maher (as Himself)

"You smell like pussy, but you come out of that tuna feeling fantastic!"

Forgetting Sarah Marshall Seth (Paul Rudd) "When life gives you lemons, I say fuck lemons!"

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Brandon St. Randy (Justin Long)

"I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness."

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist Nick (Michael Cera) "I never wash my pants, I like to keep the night on them."

Young@Heart

Fred Knittle (as Himself)

"I went from continent to continent until I became incontinent."

And the winner of the 2008 Paula Jai Parker Award is:

Tropic Thunder Kirk Lazarus (Robert Downey, Jr.) "Man, just 'cause it's a theme song don't make it not true."

Wow! Robert Downey, Jr. really made the impact this year. No pun intended, but I decided to forego commenting on these lines because I think they speak for themselves. When you see them in their original context, they only get better!

The bell is tolling. My Secret Diary concludes tomorrow when I will reveal the best (and worst) of the 92 films I watched in 2008. That's not all, though. Be sure you don't miss out on the big finale.

Secret Diary 08: Confessions Part V

I hope you've been able to keep up. You've got to have a good deal of stamina to stay on pace when the Reel Whore gets in the groove.

Yesterday I awarded 2008's Most Memorable Scene and Most Memorable Music or Dance Performance. The Dark Knight brought home the prize in one category, though had director Christopher Nolan included a Bat-usi number, it may have been a clean sweep!

Moving on. One of the most important contributions to the cinematic experience are those always in the supporting shadow. I am, of course, referring to the animals. To rectify this gross exclusion from the award community, I'd like to present the next award:

Award #7: Most Memorable Animals: Solo or Ensemble Performance of 2008

The Sloppy Seconds:

Ox (Tropic Thunder) - Goaded into hauling Jack Black's ass around had to prove no easy task. At least, he got to enjoy the company of Robert Downey, Jr.

Wallace the Monkey (The Fall) - Charged to play Darwin's companion, Wallace is called upon to help out our brave band of adventurers time and again. The real treat is the irony in his role.

Elephant (The Fall) - The Fall's creature cast comes through again. This time, an elephant is employed to carry the Masked Bandit from his island prison. The sheer beauty of watching the beast swim to shore is spectacular.

Daisy the Lab (Gran Torino) - Long before Walt Kowalski is confronted by his neighbors and the insistent priest, the aging Daisy is the only creature understanding of our sour protagonist's ways.

Duke the Great Dane (Seven Pounds) - Before Ben enters the picture, the 'vegetarian' Duke is Emily's closest friend. Oh to be that lucky, lucky dog.

Rats (Wanted) - Rats, rats and more rats! Wanted's climax would have been a total wash had it not been for The Exterminator and his fascination with these instrumental rodents.

And the award for Most Memorable Animal: Solo or Ensemble Performance of 2008 goes to:

Dewie the Bear

(Semi-Pro)

Jackie Moon decides to wrestle Dewie the Bear in an attempt to put asses in seats at his Tropics games. Rocky, playing Dewie gives Moon a run for his money no matter how many times he yells "Spumoni." FYI, Rocky did not receive this award due to a threat of violence, despite having killed his trainer shortly after Semi-Pro.

After recognizing the best animal performances of the year, I'd be remiss not to mention the greatest creation of a quality film. The efforts of the actor, the writer, and the director combine to create a character that makes a lasting impression on the viewer and takes the film to a whole new level. What follows are the 7 best characters this past year.

Award #8: Most Memorable Characters of 2008

The Sloppy Seconds:

Ezekiel (Sex Drive): Ian's best friend Lance is hilarious and his brother Rex is wild and crazy. Neither hold a comedic candle to the dry wit and sarcasm of the roadtrippers savior, Ezekiel.

Kirk Lazarus (Tropic Thunder): Having been nominated for an Academy Award should give you some inkling of how great a character Kirk is. Without him, Tropic Thunder would have been just another bad, bad Ben Stiller flick.

Kym (Rachel Getting Married): 'Spirited' is just one of the many words you can describe Kym by. Her presence is polarizing to say the least and why you are drawn into every moment of Rachel Getting Married.

Alexandria (The Fall): Alexandria's imagination fuels the spectacular visuals of the tale told in The Fall. More importantly, she is just about the most adorable child you will see onscreen!

Les Grossman (Tropic Thunder): This is not my first mention of this gut-busting character and I am not the only person to appreciate his inclusion in Tropic Thunder. If you are one of the three people to have not seen it; rent it, buy it, steal it. I don't care but somehow, someway go watch it now.

Maria Elena (Vicky Cristina Barcelona): Maria Elena is admittedly all kinds of crazy, yet her charisma sucks the man of her past and even his lover, into her orbit. Their attentions don't make her any less neurotic which makes her so damn fun!

And the award for Most Memorable Character of 2008 goes to:

The Joker

(The Dark Knight)

With all the hype surrounding The Dark Knight, Heath Ledger's performance and his untimely demise, was there any doubt that the Joker would not top the list? This onscreen updated of the sick, sadistic character perfectly captured the essence of Batman's greatest foe.

Is it just me, or are your fingers tired, too? It's probably just me. Luckily I have but two more days of Confessions. Part VI promises the only two named prizes, the Que Ridiculo! Award and Paula Jai Parker Award. See you back here tomorrow for more.