Triple Team'd: Baru-chel-Shocked!

This feature is normally known as Double Team'd, but when preparing to review my recent barrage of Jay Baruchel vehicles, I realized I'd never written a review for She's Out of My League. Thus, Triple Team'd was born. Let's see which of the geeky-guy-gets-the-blonde films was most worth watching.



She's Out of My League

Release: 03.12.10
DVD Release: 06.22.10
Rated R
1 hour, 44 minutes


Second Run Seats



Goofy, awkward Kirk (Jay Baruchel, Knocked Up) goes through the daily grind as a TSA agent while pining away for his ex, Marnie (Lindsay Sloane, Over Her Dead Body). A cellular ringtone jars him from his rut when the phone's owner, a breathtaking traveler, Molly (Alice Eve, Sex & the City 2), asks him to keep her phone safe. Being a nice guy, Kirk delivers the cell and Molly repays his kindness with a date. While sparks seem to fly, Kirk's self-doubt and his pessimistic friends and family may jeopardize the best thing that's ever happened to him.

The story does a decent job of establishing Kirk as an all-around great guy who's hesitant to stand up for himself. Kirk's more likable than his obnoxious buddy, Stainer (T.J. Miller, Get Him to the Greek), but not nearly as memorable as his silly pal Devon (Nate Torrence, Get Smart). There's a third buddy (Mike Vogel, Cloverfield), but he's underutilized and unnecessary. The quartet's banter, scribed by Sex Drive writers John Morris and Sean Anders, is funny in parts, but largely fills space until audiences can ogle Alice Eve once again.

Eve has her own foul buddy, Patty (Krysten Ritter, 27 Dresses), though her talent's somewhat wasted. TV fans will be disappointed that Fringe's Jasika Nicole and That 70's Show's Debra Jo Rupp also have little to do. Most of the supporting cast take a back seat to Baruchel's fidgety gesturing and nasally hemming and hawing.

Dirty Undies
Alice Eve in lingerie is reason enough to see this, but catching a glimpse of Baruchel's bony ass (or his double's) may (or may not) sweeten the pot for you. Stainer and Patty are sputtering fountains of vulgarity, but unfortunately there's nothing overly explicit to write home about.

The Money Shot
She's Out of My League attempts to be offensive and edgy, but its sugary sweet center makes it more of a sappy romance than a raunchy comedy. One isn't necessarily better than the other, but in this case, mixing the two waters down the whole.



The Sorcerer's Apprentice


Release: 07.14.10
Rated PG
1 hour, 51 minutes


Second Run Seats



Goofy, awkward Dave (Jay Baruchel, She's Out of My League) goes through the daily grind as a grad student of physics, though he wasn't always this way. When he was younger, he encountered the sorcerer Balthazar (Nicolas Cage, Con Air) on a field trip. Dave was meant to be Balthazar's apprentice, but Dave accidentally released the evil Horvath (Alfred Molina, Spider-Man 2) which led to significant emotional scarring. Ten years later, Balthazar and Horvath have returned; one to start a mystical apocalypse, the other to train the timid geek to prevent it.

Director John Turtletaub (National Treasure) spins an entertaining, though wholly predictable yarn with just enough explosions to make Jerry Bruckheimer give his nod of approval. Molina out chews Cage in most scenes; something I thought impossible. The displays of magical prowess are sparkly and nifty, which goes a long way to masking the uninspired writing the small battalion of writers cranked out.

Baruchel balances his time between weakly cracking wise on Cage's tutelage and wooing the dream girl from his embarrassing childhood. Lost infatuation Becky (Teresa Palmer, The Grudge 2) re-enters his life as student in need of physics tutoring. Becky's there to simply accept the magical side of Dave's life (though it's invisible to her eyes and should sound completely crazy). She also shows that Dave isn't a complete loser.

Dirty Undies
Another utterly wasted female role is Balthazar's lost love, Veronica, played by the lovely Monica Belluci (Brothers Grimm). While we're talking about underwritten and underused women, let's not forget Alice Krige (Reign of Fire) who played villainess Morgana la Fey. The women were added to be seen, and by the scant amount of lines given, rarely heard.

The Money Shot
In the end, I couldn't help but think how much more I preferred young Dave (Jake Cherry, Night at the Museum) to the poofy-haired, nasally hemming and hawing of adult Dave. The Sorcerer's Apprentice was nothing more than a cheap magician's trick; a lot of smoke and mirrors that felt entertaining at the time, but makes you feel cheated once you walk away.



How to Train Your Dragon


Release: 03.26.10
DVD Release: 10.22.10
Rated PG
1 hour, 38 minutes


Matinee



Goofy, awkward Hiccup, voiced by Jay Baruchel (Fanboys) goes through the daily grind as the apprentice to the blacksmith, Gobber (Craig Ferguson), while pining to be the best dragon hunter of his village. Unfortunately, his inventive methods cause more problems for his Viking kin than they help. His father Stoick (Gerard Butler, Reign of Fire) finally allows Hiccup to train, but only after he has befriended the most fearsome of dragons, a Night Fury he names Toothless.

Hiccup's friendship with Toothless gives him privileged insight into dragon mastery. It makes him the envy of his classmates, except for the star pupil, Astrid (America Ferrera, Our Family Wedding). The fantasy tale is fairly engaging and I doubt the target audience cares that the voices of the Viking village make them seem a bigger melting pot than New York City. Americans, Canadians, Brits and Scots make for an odd mix of natives, but if no one else cares, should I?

The computer animation is mediocre by today's measure. I wasn't too fond of Toothless's salamander-esque stylings, but it made for an inoffensive friend for young Hiccup.

Dirty Undies
Being a kid's movie, there shouldn't have been anything offensive, but something about hearing Gerard Butler's brutish brogue made me feel like he and Craig Ferguson were sitting around buck-ass naked in the recording booth, having a wank. There's a good bit of action, and it's a little more violent than you'd expect for kiddie fare with some surprisingly heavy outcomes.

The Money Shot
While the animation didn't portray it well, Baruchel's nasally hemming and hawing made Hiccup seem all the more helpless. It's altogether fun and easy to follow, assuming you don't get tripped up by the accents.

Bent Until Nearly Broken

The Last Airbender


Release: 07.01.10
Rated PG
1 hour, 43 minutes


Second Run Seats



In a world of martial arts and elemental mysticism, the four kingdoms, Water, Earth, Air and Fire, live in harmony. While members of each nation are masters over their respective elements, balance is maintained by the Avatar; a person capable of controlling all four elements. When the Avatar vanished, the Fire Nation waged war. One hundred years later, Katara (Nicola Peltz) and Sokka (Jackson Rathbone, Twilight) of the Southern Water Tribe have stumbled across a boy and his flying bison frozen in a sphere of ice. Once young Aang (Noah Ringer) thaws and proves himself to be the last Airbender, it isn't long before word spreads that the Avatar, and the world's last chance for peace, has returned.

The Last Airbender is based on the award-winning animated Nickelodeon series, Avatar: The Last Airbender, created by Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko. The adaptation was written, directed, produced and fucked by M. Night Shyamalan (Lady in the Water). Twenty episodes of mythology to draw upon and yet the man couldn't even regurgitate the story in a compelling way! As a fan of the series, maybe my expectations were too high, but I can easily set my qualms about his reimagining aside to criticize the plethora of other problems.

Casting is the obvious issue. I didn't buy into the racist spiel/media hype surrounding his choices. I didn't care the Water Nation was comprised of white folks; I did care that not a single cracker could act their way out of a wet paper sack. In more than one scene, Katara seemed to read lines off a cue card. Aang wasn't much better. It wasn't just the kids. I love the comedy of Aasif Mandvi (The Proposal), but Commander Zhao is an unhinged badass, not a man with a deer-caught-in-the-headlights stare. It's like he wanted to exclaim, "Look Ma, I'm in a big boy part!" The only smart casting choice Shyamalan made was not putting himself in the movie.

The film's budget was definitely dumped into the special effects and it shows. Appa, the flying bison and Momo, the winged lemur looked great, even if they were only set decoration.

Dirty Undies
To the good, the action sequences were decent, just way too showy. If all benders spent that much time posing and articulating to manipulate the elements, a quick gut punch or kick to the groin would end most battles before they start. All the flourishes were probably meant to keep the PG rating rather than explore the mystical world of bending.

Even though a healthy dose of action can overcome the worst acting, it can't make up for a jumbled plot. Shyamalan crafted a few shot-for-shot scenes, but left the spirit of the series on the cutting-room floor. Levity is one of the most important elements to the cartoon. Aang's childlike innocence is infectious. It serves as a counterbalance to the serious, anger-driven motives of the Fire Nation. Shyamalan also spent far too much of the story's runtime relying on character voice-overs to explain backstory. You know, the medium of film can also be used to create these wonderful things known as flashbacks. Next time, use them instead of boring the audience to tears with exposition.

The Money Shot
I hoped The Last Airbender would be the beginning of a fantasy franchise I'd actually care to follow. I also thought it would restore my faith in Shyamalan's skills as a director. I can safely say that I won't waste another dollar on future installments as long as Shyamalan is at the helm.

The Jizt: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

In this fast-paced world of blogging, tweeting and fly-by-night film voyeurism, sometimes one doesn't have the time to give a film proper treatment. More importantly, others do not always have the time to read it. Sometimes you just have to take it around back and squeeze one out in 1-2-3 quick licks. Think of The Jizt as the wham, bam, thank you ma'am of reviews.



Harry Potter
and the Half-Blood Prince


Release: 07.15.09
Rated PG
2 hours, 33 minutes

Matinee




Cast: Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone), Michael Gambon (Sleepy Hollow), Jim Broadbent (Moulin Rouge!)

The Build-up: Harry, Ron and Hermione return to Hogwart's and are faced with unraveling the mysteries of the Half-Blood Prince, Voldemort's power, and their pelvic urges.

The Blurt-out: Neither the magic of Hogwart's nor Industrial Lights and Magic could make the absolutely lovable Ron look any younger than 37.

The Jizt: The romance, danger and death of the sixth installment doesn't make up for the blatant disinterest in crafting a satisfying resolution to the secret of the Half-Blood Prince.


...and that, Harry, is The Jizt.

Sha(rr)ow, Simple P(r)easures.

The Forbidden Kingdom

Release: 04/18/2008
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 53 minutes

Matinee ($$$) <
> Second-Run Seats ($$)




Michael Angarano (Sky High) is Jason Tripitikas, a South Boston teen and Kung Fu film buff. He regularly swings by the Chinatown Pawn Shop to grab the latest bootlegs from owner Hop, the ancient and snarky stereotype who spits hip (r)ingo with comical Asian accent, played by Jackie Chan. On his way home Jason is accosted by some local thugs-- let's call them Johnny Stromboli and the Spaghetti Sidekicks-- who beat him down until he agrees to help them rob the "old chink down in Chinktown." (I wish I was being funny, but that’s a real quote). The heist is botched and Jason flees with the golden staff of legend. A trip and a fall later, Jason finds himself in a magical realm that seems to be the China of centuries past. People think he is a legendary traveler come to return the staff to the Monkey King and save the Kingdom from the tyrannous rule of the Jade Warrior. Epic action and comedy ensue.

Hmmm, what can I say about Forbidden Kingdom? The bulk of the film is set in ancient China except for Jason's story, which bookends the tale in a present day cliché. It's like buying a decent piece of original artwork only to hang it in a cheap, plastic-and-acrylic poster frame. During the movie’s epic section, Jet Li, playing the Monk, is the most lively and funny character though Jackie Chan is amusing as Lu Yan, the drunken warrior. Once the hero group is all assembled, the tempo and story keep your attention.

My issue with this film is it continually reminded me of better, well-structured moments from other movies. I had flashbacks to The Karate Kid, Rocky, The Wizard of Oz, Full Metal Jacket, Legend of the Drunken Master and Hero. Given that the last two films also star Jackie Chan and Jet Li, the correlation should not be surprising. If you don't get the other references, here's a little montage to help:

Warning: Spoilers Ahead

All: We’re off to see the Wizard Jade Warrior. The wonderful wizard of Oz cruel tyrant of the Kingdom.

Wicked Witch of the West Witch: I’ll get you my pretty young traveler, and your little dog golden staff, too!

Miyagi Jackie Chan: First, wash all car chop all weeds. Then wax hit. Wax on Hit strong...
Daniel Jason: Yeah, but...
Miyagi Jet Li:Wax on wax off Speed, Accuracy. Don't forget to breathe, very important.

(HINT audience HINT)

Da Nang Hooker Sparrow: Hey, you got girlfriend Vietnam South Boston? Me so in love. Me love you long time.

(Um maybe those exact lines weren't in the film...)

Random Gay Stereotype Jade Warlord: Girlfriend! Traveler! You I look Fa-Bu-Lous! Now give me that staff!

Rocky Jason: Adrian! Sparrow!

(Image of Jade Emporer unavailable. Trust, this one is close enough.)

Narrator: Bastian Jason made many other wishes and had many other amazing adventures before after finally returning to the ordinary world. But that's another story.

Spoiler Alert Ended.

Dirty Undies
This movie is geared exclusively to teenage boys. If you don't mind your teens discovering a few classic racial slurs and think they'd totally miss the undertones urging young men to surrender their golden staff to flamboyant Asian men, then you have no reason to be concerned.

The best element of this film is the fight sequences. Having masterful choreographer Woo-ping Yuen (Kill Bill) behind these scenes makes a difference. The battle between Jet Li and Jackie Chan is by far the best fight. Other sequences are interesting but seem a bit choppy and computerized for anyone who enjoys the classic kung fu look.

The Money Shot
I'm not entirely certain, but I think the purpose of this film is to reinvigorate the Chinese-bootleg Kung Fu movie market with the current generation of American boys. I could be wrong about that, but I am certain The Forbidden Kingdom serves up a snappy and adequate tale of epic adventure. It'll be a bigger disappointment to any Kung Fu film aficionados.


One last thing:

Also, Dude, Chinaman Chink is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please.

Spiderwick Chronicles: The Cliff Notes Edition

The Spiderwick Chronicles
Release: 02/14/2008
Rated PG
1 hour, 37 minutes

Matinee ($$$)



Mary-Louise Parker (Saved!) in the matriarchal role of Helen, oldest daughter Mallory, played by Sarah Bolger, and twins Simon and Jared, played by Freddie Highmore (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) and Freddie Highmore (Finding Neverland), comprise the The Pissed Family Grace. This high-strung family has left their NYC home to take roost in their looney aunt's creepy old home. After a botched attempt at dinner, a "rat" in the wall spurs the anger-riddled Jared into a destructive spree that reveals a hidden dumbwaiter. Left to clean up his mess, Jared uncovers a secret room with a secret chest that contains a secret book known as The Spiderwick Chronicles. Ignoring the neatly penned warning, Jared breaks the seal, awakening the ogre Mulgarath who sends his goblin armies to recover the book. Jared learns from his new friend Thimbletack, voiced by Martin Short (Three Amigos!), that he must protect the Chronicles at all costs lest Mulgarath obtain the book and use it to destroy the world.

I'd like to point out that my introductory paragraph, while lengthy, is at least as detailed, if not more than, The Spiderwick Chronicles. The mystery and magic of this fantastical world described by Arthur Spiderwick, portrayed by David Strathairn (Blue Car), is glossed over although it had the potential to flourish. Audiences are barraged by goblins, a pesky brownie-boggart and sylphs, but we aren't given a sense of connection to their magical world. The film's time is split between talking about the crazy aunt and her oddly stocked pantry (hint, hint: this will be important later) and reinforcing the point that the story's hero, Jared, really comes off as a prick. You get the feeling the rest of the family feels he is nothing more than the afterbirth that slithered out of his mother's filth, and they'd all be much happier had they put him in a glass jar to be displayed on the mantelpiece.

Dirty Undies
Being a kid's film you shouldn't expect any excessive language, sex and violence...and that's where you'd be wrong. While devoid of the first two, Spiderwick has to be the most visually brutal kid's film in my recent memory. Goblins gouge long bleeding gashes into their victims. Goblins and trolls are slaughtered by the dozens, with eyes plucked from their sockets and bodies collapsing into puddles of ooze. Mulgarath, voiced by Nick Nolte (Hulk), is scary as hell, and that's before he morphs from his unkempt, just-arrested-for-a-DWI human form into his ogre persona. Personally, I enjoyed the violence; I just wonder how many kids may piss their pants or stop reading because of this.


The Money Shot
The Spiderwick Chronicles teaches kids an important lesson about absentee fathers: if your dad leaves home to go live with another woman, he's probably an ogre and should be stabbed the first chance you get. If your dad just pops out for a pack of cigs for, I don't know, eighty or so years, don't hold it against him. He may just show up when you're on your deathbed to whisk you away to a magical place where novel adaptations make no sense.