A Quickie: WALL-E

WALL-E

Release: 06.27.08
DVD Release: 11.18.08
Rated G
1 hour, 38 minutes

Second Run Seats ($) <
> Matinee ($$$)

The little robot that enamored summer audiences is now available for daily appearances on DVD. WALL-E (Waste Allocation Load Lifter-Earth-class) is the only functional robot left on Earth to clean the mess left behind by the populace's ultra-consumptive addiction to Buy N Large products. One day a ship lands leaving behind EVE (Extraterrestrial Vegetation Evaluator). EVE makes WALL-E swoon; shirking his duties to follow her around even if it takes him to strange, uninviting reaches of the galaxy.

To me, WALL-E was instantly relatable. He took pride in his work, liked to collect nice things and watched movies in his spare time. Watching this dedicated little creature have his life turned topsy turvy in his courtship of a special lady friend is endearing and, dare I say, cute. When that adorable, budding relationship deteriorates into a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em chase plot with a heavy-handed green planet morality I lost all interest in WALL-E, his love story and the fate of humanity.

From all the rave reviews WALL-E garnered when released, its obvious many folks didn't take as much issue with the climactic third act as I did. Even my quibble with the awkward story shift is far from enough to make WALL-E unwatchable. It is, after all, a Pixar production which exist on a whole different level of excellence. Even if you're turned off by the conflicting premises WALL-E encounters, it'll be impossible to resist the lovable lugnut.

Will Ferrell, Adam McKay, and John C. Reilly...

Step Brothers
Release: 08.01.08
Rated R
1 hour, 35 minutes

Matinee ($$$) <
>Second-Run Seats ($$)


"You gotta fuck one, kill one and marry one, go!" That's just one of the plethora of utterly asinine exclamations from the minds of the three gentlemen pictured above. It's also a question I found myself asking as I pondered my feelings for Step Brothers.

But I digress. If you don't know, Step Brothers is the story of Dale Doback (John C. Reilly, Walk Hard) and Brennan Huff (Will Ferrell, Kicking & Screaming). They are two forty-year-old men (and presumed virgins) whose respective father and mother, played by Richard Jenkins (Say It Isn't So) and Mary Steenburgen (Elf), get hitched. That in itself should be a happy event, except Dale and Brennan still live with their parental units. Now the duo must learn to share the spoiled spotlight. Hijinks and hilarity ensue; at least, that was the plan.

The answer to my question is no contest: fuck John C. Reilly, kill Adam McKay and marry Will Ferrell. Why? I love Reilly and he's almost the marrying type. He's a multi-talented actor of stage and screen. He's given great performances both serious and ridiculous (this one the latter) but let's face it, he's been working his way up the stardom ladder for a long time and is used to a good pounding. Plus, he looks all plush and pliable. He loses the ring to Will Ferrell who, career-wise, is a consistent treat to watch. He can play the hell out of the cowbell and he just looks like a cuddler. I'd kill Adam McKay because I feel he's the Rob Schneider of the partnership. I always thought Chris Kattan was going to ride Ferrell's coattails into adequate stardom, but it's becoming increasingly apparent McKay is the leech.

Anchorman and Talladega Nights were really, really funny...in parts. Step Brothers made me burst into laughter as Reilly described his young-calf machismo and as Ferrell 'tainted' Reilly's drum set. I sat back snickering as the Shake-n-Bake duo tossed ad libbed insults across their shared bedroom. Then I stopped laughing. McKay's SNL writer-director skills surface as he draws out this three-minute skit into an awkward sequence of randomness. Problem is, this concept is threadbare and frayed when stretched over the film's ninety-minute runtime. In fact, when Step Brothers takes on the semblance of a plot in the final act, the stench of SNL randomness pervades its resolution like an onion and ketchup fart.

Dirty Undies
Reilly and Ferrell have a knack for two things in Step Brothers: bruise-inducing physical comedy and Tourrett's-induced exclamations of profanity and vulgarity. Wifey finds it disturbing yet comical when I string together random words like 'vaginal discharge' and 'monkey tits,' but I got nothing on these guys. Reilly's Dale experiences sexual situations that are more disturbing than amusing. Ferrell breaks out the huevos for all to enjoy - hmm, I wonder if flashing those gave him that marrying edge?

The Money Shot
Step Brothers has enough funny moments to make it watchable, but be prepared to suffer through dangling plotlines, sloppy edits, and a cameo from the excruciatingly painful Horatio Sanz (Road Trip) trying to jump the sinking Fallon ship. They do sport some cool retro tees, even if the Star Wars one is overused. Let me close with a quote from Will Ferrell, "In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks." Yeah, take that as you will.

I Vote To Wait for the DVD

Swing Vote

Release: 08.01.2008
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 40 minutes
Second-Run Seats ($$) <
> Matinee ($$$)


Earnest Johnson (Kevin Costner, Tin Cup), or "Bud" to those who know him, is fond of drinking beer, fishing and generally enjoying himself. He's also a single father to cantankerously cute and socially conscious Molly (Madeline Carroll, When a Stranger Calls). Bud and Molly are the classic example of polar opposites with Molly asserting motherly nagging over her father and his childish tendencies. On the night of the presidential election, Bud's vote is misread by the voting machine. When it is discovered that his single vote will decide which candidate receives the majority of electoral votes, his little home in Texaco, New Mexico is overrun by reporters, advocacy groups and both the candidates, all vying favor with the good ol' boy before he recasts his ballot.

Costner never shows up with anything less than his 'A' game and his portrayal of Bud is no exception. With his silly facial expressions, slouching demeanor and jovial attitude, you can't help but find Bud to be one hell of a guy. But like many of Costner's great performances, it's a shame this character couldn't be in one hell of a movie. It's not the fault of any of the supporting performances. Cast members Paula Patton (Idlewild), Kelsey Grammer (15 Minutes), Dennis Hopper (Land of the Dead), Nathan Lane (The Birdcage), Stanley Tucci (The Core), and even Judge Reinhold (Beverly Hills Cop) enhance the film with a mixture of both serious and funny moments from their one-dimensional characters. I grew tired of the excessive news anchor cameos, but I'm sick of the endless coverage of the real election, so that's no fault of the film.

The weakness of Swing Vote lies in its connective tissue. There are a half dozen strong scenes throughout the film's runtime that resonate as exceptionally thought-provoking even in their satirical manner. Outside of these moments, the film meanders amid various characters, developing unnecessary sideplots and creating many questions to be left unaswered. These mini-stories, including the absence of Molly's mother and the blossoming romance between Bud and the local reporter, weaken the "every single vote counts" mantra the film's creators are trying to instill in its audience.

Dirty Undies
I liked that Bud was a cusser. Costner's blaspheming words and raunchy exclamations add an authentic air to his character but may cause pause in those unaccustomed to hearing such vulgarity. Swing Vote's satire does have a bit of a politically incorrect sting to it as well, but it's done in good spirits so try not to take too much offense.

The Money Shot
Over the years, Costner has proven that no matter how great his performance, many times his films just can't get a leg up. I thought last year's Mr. Brooks was the turning point for him, though others disagreed. It's safe to say Swing Vote won't help him either. The film (and everyone involved) has its heart in the right place, but the message gets bogged down in the details. With less than a hundred days before the actual Presidential election, your time would be better spent educating yourself on Obama-McCain so your vote can count.

Missed It By THAT Much!

Get Smart

Release: 06.20.2008
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 50 minutes

Matinee ($$$) <
> Second-Run Seats ($$)




Maxwell Smart (Steve Carell, Bewitched) is without a doubt the best CONTROL analyst behind a desk. For those unfamiliar with the popular '60s television series upon which the film is based, CONTROL is a super-secret U.S. government spy agency whose mission is to thwart the criminal undertakings of the evil organization KAOS. Aside from being the best intelligence gatherer for the agency, Max wants to be a field agent and has worked diligently to hone his mind and body into a spy machine. Max gets his chance when the identities of all field agents save Agent 99 (Anne Hathaway, The Devil Wears Prada) have been compromised. The Chief (Alan Arkin, Gross Pointe Blank) sends Max a.k.a. Agent 86 with 99 to track down KAOS's operation and discover their fiendish plans.

I fondly remembered watching this show in my formative years. Don Adams was hilarious as the bungling agent whose faithful partner 99 also managed to bail him out whenever his elaborate plans or loud mouth got him into trouble. It was somewhat surprising to see that the new- millennium Maxwell Smart has evolved into a competent agent whose only shortcoming is that his colleagues baselessly assume he's a buffoon. If you came looking for a faithful reimagining, the best you can hope for are a few of the famous lines, a scene with the classic car, a shoe phone call and a wonderful cameo by Love Boat's Dr. Bricker, a.k.a Bernie Kopell, who played Max's nemesis Siegfried.

I'm not going to hold the creative changes against the film. There's plenty of other issues with the Get Smart remake to let that go. The trailers for the film showed some witty jokes with the promise of bigger and better to come. Once in the theater, we discover the trailer is a highlights reel showcasing the funniest jokes. I still laughed at those, and found myself giggly at the scant handful of other funny moments, but throw us a bone! The overall film turned out to be only mildly interesting with many unnecessary scenes devoted to the awkwardness of Smart and Agent 99's working relationship. Supporting roles by Dwayne Johnson (Be Cool) and Terence Stamp (Superman II) added a few laughs but seemed almost wasteful of their talents.

Dirty Undies
What Dwayne Johnson was not allowed to do with his role, he at least made up for with his winning smile and charismatic swagger. He doesn't show any skin; that honor is left for megastar Carell, but few men can look as good as Johnson in a suit. Looking like she owns the entire coat collection from a fashion catalog, thug-lovin' Hathaway manages to look scrumptuous though she keeps it all well-covered.

The Money Shot
I feel like I haven't said a whole lot about Get Smart. I guess that's because there isn't a whole lot to discuss. It's inoffensive and genial enough that you can't outright hate it. If you go see it, you'll just wish they had put a little more conviction behind their premise.

A Quickie: The Ruins

The Ruins
Release: 04.04.2008
DVD Release: 07.08.2008
Rated R (DVD UR)
1 hour, 31 minutes

Second-Run Seats ($$) <
> Matinee ($$$)

College grads Jeff (Jonathan Tucker, Hostage), Amy (Jena Malone, Donnie Darko), Stacy (Laura Ramsey, Lords of Dogtown) and Eric (Shawn Ashmore, X-Men) are chillin' by the pool as their vacation in Mexico winds to a close. Along comes a friendly German, Mathias (Joe Anderson), who invites them to visit his brother's archaeological excavation of an unmapped Mayan temple. Jeff, excited at the prospect of cultural immersion that does not involve swallowing the worm, convinces his friends to broaden their horizons. Early the next day, they venture off the well-worn tourist path and uncover the elusive location of the vine-ensconced ruins. An enraged local tribe that doesn't speak Spanish corrals the young adults within the bounds of the old temple before anyone can comprehend why. As the tourists' limited supplies dwindle as they struggle to escape, the foursome realizes the tribe isn't malicious; they're safeguarding the world from the evil enclosed in the ruins.

The Ruins, similar in premise but better in execution than The Happening, warns that when plants attack, we are screwed. Quickest to catch onto this phenomenon is Jeff, the hero figure of the group because of his extensive pre-med knowledge and able leadership. Jeff's character is moderately well-developed, unlike the remaining characters who amount to little more than dead weight with no motivations save living to party another day. It's sad because all the actors give emotionally strong portrayals to these hollow shells.

Writer Scott B. Smith (A Simple Plan) creates a breed of floral vine that employs motility, mimicry and carnivorism to propagate. As the group is injured while trying to escape, the plants take root and fester as does panic and paranoia. The gruesome injuries and infections require some archaic surgical methods to be employed, shifting the impending air of doom of The Ruins into little better than a showcase of brutal evisceration. I'm as much a fan of graphic, gory horror as anyone, but the self-inflicted torture employed destroys what a lot of the appeal this terrible premise held.

With its solid acting and intriguing premise, The Ruins was on the path to being a quality horror contender. I’m hesitant to admit this, but a stronger focus on character and a little less dipping into the blood bag for cheap thrills would have resulted in a much more gratifying horror film. However, The Ruins is fertile in sequel potential, meaning its creators will have plenty of opportunities to screw it up even worse next go-round.

Hancock Explodes Box Office, Implodes Onscreen

HANCOCK

Release: 07.01.2008
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 32 minutes

Second-Run Seats ($$) <
> Matinee ($$$)

Will Smith (I Am Legend) stars as Hancock, a super-powered being sorely in need of an attitude adjustment. After rescuing Ray Embrey (Jason Bateman, Smokin' Aces), "the Bono of public relations", Ray encourages Hancock to turn over a new leaf, to give the public a reason to value his help and not scream bloody murder over his costly messes. Hancock's curmudgeonly ways stem from his belief that he is alone, but he soon learns that he is not as unique as he believed, a revelation that comes with a hefty cost.

Director Peter Berg (The Rundown) takes on a bold project that establishes a superhero property steeped within the confines of reality and not the more traditional lore of DC or Marvel comics. Establishing a history, conflict and redemptive path for the surly Hancock proves to be more of a challenge than Berg and writers Vincent Ngo (Hostage) and Vince Gilligan (TV: The X-Files) could manage. Instead of a display of grandiose feats, audiences are treated to frenetic camerawork and too-close visuals that explore the actors' nasal passages more so than their emotions and interactions. The story has a similarly jarring effect to that of the shaky lensing. The tale's reckless swelling and ebbing make it difficult to understand or even locate a plot at times, and rushes to wrap up the climax and other key points when time is needed.

Kudos to Smith, Bateman and Charlize Theron (Aeon Flux) for establishing rich characters that rise above the story's chaos. Bateman does the best job to me; yes, I am a fan, but his performance shows why he deserves the praise.

Dirty Undies
The sheer level of devastation and property damage by Hancock is astounding. In this case, the PG-13 rating manages to elevate the violence by cutting away from the conflicts, leaving much to the imagination. Villains thrown from buildings tens of stories high have little chance of survival if you ponder the aftermath of Hancock's actions. Berg couldn't resist visualizing Hancock's favorite threat in the prison, which to me would have been better left to our own imaginations. When Hancock's not performing feats of illogical and stupefying proportions, he's boozing and cursing. The word 'asshole' is spoken by folks of all ages, and to show his rough edges, Hancock even tosses out an abrasive 'fucked' to an enraged crowd.

You can't go wrong with Will Smith as a healthy hunk of man meat, though he doesn't give off that vibe until he gets a trim and a new attitude. Likewise, the statuesque Charlize Theron goes from cute doting housewife to fever-inducing fox with just a touch of dark makeup and tight jumpsuit.

The Money Shot
The saving grace of Hancock was that there was no competition to keep it from setting holiday records despite being a mess of a film. Never quite resting long enough to tell a thoughtful story and never revved up enough to be popcorn-munching adrenaline fluff, it settles into an nauseating, woulda-coulda-shoulda rhythm. Hancock succumbed to its greatest weakness, sacrificing substance over style.

When Amway Sales Quotas are Down.

The Strangers

Release: 05.30.2008
Rated R
1 hour, 30 minutes

Matinee ($$$) <
>Second-Run Seats ($$)




We join Jimmy (Scott Speedman, Underworld))and Kristen (Liv Tyler, Cookie's Fortune) as they are leaving a friend's wedding. For such a happy occasion, Jimmy and Kristen are far from happy with each other. As they return to Jimmy's folks' summer home, we learn through a series of exchanges and looks that the two care for each other deeply but they just aren't on the same page in their relationship. Their awkward silence is broken by a rap-rap-rapping on the door at 4am from a young girl asking for Tamara. Increasingly insistent knocks follow, and panic sets in as three people in masks begin tormenting the young couple.

IMDB credits the three strangers with names but I will refer to them as Papa Mask (Kip Weeks), Mama Mask (Laura Margolis) and Baby Mask (Gemma Ward). Papa Mask had the whole form-fitted stylish sack mask and the retro -pimp Napoleon Dynamite brown suit. Mama Mask had this kinda dowdy sixties-style attire, and you'll really only remember Baby Mask's long, unstyled blond hair. The Strangers isn't a fashion show, but the pace allows plenty of time to soak up the details. It's a good thing in part; the unhurried pacing helps build a terrific amount of suspense...at first. As the film progresses, however, I became antsy. There was a time when it was time to nix the tension and make with the hacky-slashy. When I started paying more attention to the continuity issues and less to the fate of the couple, I knew this creeping, creepy tale had crapped out.

As for the actors, the Mask family did an admirable job of standing menacingly and sneaking up behind their prey. Speedman isn't given much to do except look perpetually morose, and that's before the baddies show. Ms. Tyler proves she can scream with the best of them but she looks rather goofy trying to skulk around on hands and knees. All in all, the story should have given both of them more to do to make audiences invest emotionally into their situation, but it didn't. Maybe the point of leaving them as blank slates was to create a shell audiences could imagine themselves in to heighten terror. I know I imagined putting some buckshot between the eyes of at least one of the Mask family.

Dirty Undies
I can't say I was especially enticed by either of the leads here. In fact, the first ominous knock of the evening comes as Speedman is sidling his jimmy up to Liv Tyler. I know my business time would not be interrupted by a strangers a-knocking at four friggin A.M.! Other than the language and smoking, this could have been a PG-13 affair. Most of the bloodshed is not inflicted onscreen. We're treated only to the gory aftermath.

The Money Shot
The Strangers works well on one single premise: tension is killer. It's the tension that had me amped up for carnage and mayhem as the Masks crept up behind their victims. It's the tension that had me wondering when the couple will snap and rage against their oppressors. Problem is, the added tension never snapped, only my patience did.

Papa Mask stalks at 4am. Oooh, the tension!

Papa Mask stalks again and with an axe...Oooh, the tension!

Mama Mask stalks....Oooh, the - Bah, you get the frellin' point!

My Blah-berry Night

My Blueberry Nights
Release: 04.04.2008 limited
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 30 minutes

Second-Run Seats ($$) <
> Matinee ($$$)


In her film debut, Norah Jones stars as Elizabeth (a.k.a Beth, Lizzie, Betty), a young woman who learns from local cafe owner Jeremy (Jude Law, The Holiday) that her boyfriend is seeing another woman. Night after night Elizabeth visits the cafe; at first, to sulk and skulk over her man, but eventually to eat blueberry pie and fraternize with Jeremy. Seeking answers, Elizabeth leaves New York for Memphis where she takes up waitressing at a bar and a diner to save for a car. She meets kindred spirits in Arnie (David Strathairn, Blue Car) and Sue Lynne (Rachel Weisz, The Shape of Things). Her next serving gig leads her to the Midwest and the wild Leslie (Natalie Portman, Closer) who furthers her quest for answers and an affordable automobile.

Let me start by chiming in on my familiarity with writer-director Wong Kar Wai's work. I have seen three of his previous films: Fallen Angels, In the Mood for Love, and 2046. Without a doubt, In the Mood for Love is my personal favorite and his strongest work. My Blueberry Nights...not so much. Wong Kar Wai has a very stylized direction full of vibrant colors and languid, savory scenes. All those films also revolve around relationships and love, time and distance. But watching My Blueberry Nights was off-putting. I compare Wong and his latest work to Tony Scott, another very stylized director who reached near perfection with the dark and manic Man on Fire only to overindulge, making Domino an incoherent, epileptic seizure. Wong took his palette of slow-motion shots and radiant hues and applied them with a paint roller, resulting in a film that fails to maintain its hold on viewers.

Norah Jones likewise fails to draw you in at every emotional level. Granted, for her first film role, she proves herself far more adept than many other singers-turned-actors (cough Beyonce cough). However, she didn't convince me when stronger emotions were required, leaving this sensitive piece lacking. Singer Cat Power ,a.k.a Chan Marshall, also makes a cameo that is likewise strained. But Jones' other costars all performed admirably. In particular, David Strathairn's sympathetic and unstable Arnie deserves a nod for best performance. The only thing more memorable than the performances is the soundtrack; a hauntingly perfect mood for the film.

Dirty Undies
If you didn't notice, the beautiful pedigree of the cast is worth the price of admission alone and probably is why I nudged this film towards the Matinee rating. Norah Jones just looks adorably soft and scrumptious. Jude Law with his effortless charisma is magnified with a layer of scruffy stubble. I was nearly ready to tap out of the film until Natalie Portman appeared in the final half hour. She literally lights up the screen with her smile, her presence and short fire-like curls of blonde hair. Even Rachel Weisz, whom I don't normally go for, was in an especially sexy way. Take a gander:

(Oh Natalie...)

The Money Shot
My Blueberry Nights is a very vivid and visual emotional journey. It's also an excellent case for when style outweighs the substance of the work. If you find this phenomenal, your head just might explode from elation when you see In the Mood for Love.

Repeat Bidness: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

With Prince Caspian releasing this weekend, I am comforted knowing that I will use my complimentary IMAX tickets to instead enjoy Speed Racer, which has been garnering decent praise from some of the LAMBs. You may ask, but Whore, why do you not get all moist and tingly at the latest addition to the realm of Narnia? If you didn’t notice the trepidation in my May Trailer Trash, here’s a taste of the sourness left in my mouth by the flagship film of this series.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

Rated PG; 2 hours, 23 minutes
Second-Run Seats ($$) <> Matinee ($$$)

"About as exciting as sitting in a wardrobe for over two hours can be!"

The Pevensie children, Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy, are sent to live with Professor Kirke (Jim Broadbent, Iris) in his country home to keep them safe during World War II. While playing hide and go seek, Lucy, the youngest child, uncovers a wardrobe and discovers it to be a doorway into the land of Narnia. Before long, all the Pevinsie children find themselves escaping through the wardrobe, only to become embroiled in the affairs of the oppressed populace. Narnia’s oppressor, the White Witch (Tilda Swinton, Constantine), soon learns of the children’s presence and seeks to destroy them.

Director Andrew Adamson (Shrek) takes the adapted screenplay of the C.S. Lewis book and does (what we assume to be) his best to bring the mystical land of Narnia to life. Indeed, some of the creatures are simply astounding. The special effects department went out of their way to make the Beavers, Maugrim and the wolf patrol, and Aslan the Lion fairly seamless in their interactions with the main characters and their surroundings. That’s why it’s especially disappointing that much of the remaining effects appear slapped together. For example, the children are many times shot with a ‘blue screen’ backdrop that resembles the quality of mid-80’s pornography. Also, the animation of the faun, Mr. Tumnus, doesn’t always mesh quite as well as hoped. On the bright side, the make-up used for Tumnus and the White Witch, as well as the centaurs, minotaurs and dwarves, help compensate for the shoddy special effects.

Ultimately, the major dilemma with the realm of Narnia is its shallowness. The characters and the story’s history are severely underdeveloped. From the confusing opening moments of the film, in which the Pevensies run for cover during a German air raid, you begin to wonder if this is the magical movie advertised over the last few months. This frantic opening pace quickly settles into a lengthy, somewhat plodding exposition on the superficial characteristics of Narnia. Very little is done in the way of providing stimulating conflict or tension with our little heroes. Some of the blame lies with the young cast’s marginal acting, but much of the responsibility should fall on the shoulders of the director and his producers who couldn’t sense the lack of heart in their final product. On the plus side, Georgie Henley is simply a delight as Lucy Pevensie. Dakota Fanning better watch her back because if Georgie gets her green card she will provide some stiff competition for America’s hardest-working child actress.

Dirty Undies
Bubkis! I can’t remember a single tantalizing moment of vulgarity, sexuality, or violence that really sticks to your ribs. The film does have a bit of violent innuendo, but the kid-friendly rating keeps the brunt of the exchanges off-screen in lieu of up-close and personal payout.

The Money Shot
When the credits finished rolling, I was fortunate to have a few friends to mull over the lamentable Chronicles I with me. The consensus was that, thanks to such phenomenal film series as Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings, audiences expect their fantasy films to provide a thorough and faithful homage to their favorite literary works. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe has all the big-budget flash and tedious length associated with the aforementioned fantastic epics, but fails to balance the glitz with any substantial emotion or story. The beautifully crafted wardrobe housed a myriad of bedazzling furs, and in that respect ‘Narnia the Movie’ is similar; filled and trimmed with the same splendid yet hollow quality.

A Quickie: Smart People

Smart People

Rated R
1 hour, 35 minutes


Matinee ($$$) <
> Second-Run Seats ($$)

I'm not so good at judging the merits of these types of films. You know the group I'm talking about:The Squid and the Whale, Winter Passing, The Savages, Rocket Science, Tadpole... films that are adept at adorning their actors in dingy, average-Joe surroundings and, often, less-than-average attire (especially Ellen Page in this instance). Once the ambiance is established the director and writers soak the edges of the film in dysfunctionality. When the right balance of snarkiness and dirtiness is attained the results can be phenomenal, a la The Squid and the Whale. Other times, a movie will backfire into a dismal, depressing affair, despite its undeniable strengths, a la The Savages. Smart People lands somewhere in the mid- to low-range of my ad hoc spectrum.

Lawrence Wetherhold (Dennis Quaid, Frequency) is a self-absorbed, contrary English professor at Carnegie-Mellon raising Vanessa (Ellen Page, Juno),a high-strung, haughty high school senior. After a towing debacle, Lawrence is restricted from driving by E.R. doctor Janet Hartigan (Sarah Jessica Parker, The Family Stone), an emotionally stunted woman who is intrigued by this coarse man. Enter the chauffeur, Chuck (Thomas Haden Church, Sideways), Lawrence's adopted brother: a grifter and all-around loser yet generally decent guy - at least, compared to his family.

Although Lawrence's faults are explained, it doesn't make him any more sympathetic. Janet's flaws are vaguely mentioned, and many of her motivations must be taken on faith. I won't even begin on the trainwreck that's Vanessa. Chuck is simple to understand as he thrives through his shortcomings. (Haden Church must also thrive in the buff because he leaves the back door of his union suit open on more than one occasion. I wonder if I were to re-watch Spider-Man 3, I might find a slip of Church crack amid the swirling sands.)

Smart People feels a little too smart for its own good. There is some humor but little that wasn't spoiled by the trailer. The characers' gloomy existences just dragged me down.

P.S.- No digs at you, Quaid; you're still the man! You too, Lowell!
P.P.S.- Sorry they wasted a great potential role for you, Ashton Holmes. Better luck next time.

Sha(rr)ow, Simple P(r)easures.

The Forbidden Kingdom

Release: 04/18/2008
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 53 minutes

Matinee ($$$) <
> Second-Run Seats ($$)




Michael Angarano (Sky High) is Jason Tripitikas, a South Boston teen and Kung Fu film buff. He regularly swings by the Chinatown Pawn Shop to grab the latest bootlegs from owner Hop, the ancient and snarky stereotype who spits hip (r)ingo with comical Asian accent, played by Jackie Chan. On his way home Jason is accosted by some local thugs-- let's call them Johnny Stromboli and the Spaghetti Sidekicks-- who beat him down until he agrees to help them rob the "old chink down in Chinktown." (I wish I was being funny, but that’s a real quote). The heist is botched and Jason flees with the golden staff of legend. A trip and a fall later, Jason finds himself in a magical realm that seems to be the China of centuries past. People think he is a legendary traveler come to return the staff to the Monkey King and save the Kingdom from the tyrannous rule of the Jade Warrior. Epic action and comedy ensue.

Hmmm, what can I say about Forbidden Kingdom? The bulk of the film is set in ancient China except for Jason's story, which bookends the tale in a present day cliché. It's like buying a decent piece of original artwork only to hang it in a cheap, plastic-and-acrylic poster frame. During the movie’s epic section, Jet Li, playing the Monk, is the most lively and funny character though Jackie Chan is amusing as Lu Yan, the drunken warrior. Once the hero group is all assembled, the tempo and story keep your attention.

My issue with this film is it continually reminded me of better, well-structured moments from other movies. I had flashbacks to The Karate Kid, Rocky, The Wizard of Oz, Full Metal Jacket, Legend of the Drunken Master and Hero. Given that the last two films also star Jackie Chan and Jet Li, the correlation should not be surprising. If you don't get the other references, here's a little montage to help:

Warning: Spoilers Ahead

All: We’re off to see the Wizard Jade Warrior. The wonderful wizard of Oz cruel tyrant of the Kingdom.

Wicked Witch of the West Witch: I’ll get you my pretty young traveler, and your little dog golden staff, too!

Miyagi Jackie Chan: First, wash all car chop all weeds. Then wax hit. Wax on Hit strong...
Daniel Jason: Yeah, but...
Miyagi Jet Li:Wax on wax off Speed, Accuracy. Don't forget to breathe, very important.

(HINT audience HINT)

Da Nang Hooker Sparrow: Hey, you got girlfriend Vietnam South Boston? Me so in love. Me love you long time.

(Um maybe those exact lines weren't in the film...)

Random Gay Stereotype Jade Warlord: Girlfriend! Traveler! You I look Fa-Bu-Lous! Now give me that staff!

Rocky Jason: Adrian! Sparrow!

(Image of Jade Emporer unavailable. Trust, this one is close enough.)

Narrator: Bastian Jason made many other wishes and had many other amazing adventures before after finally returning to the ordinary world. But that's another story.

Spoiler Alert Ended.

Dirty Undies
This movie is geared exclusively to teenage boys. If you don't mind your teens discovering a few classic racial slurs and think they'd totally miss the undertones urging young men to surrender their golden staff to flamboyant Asian men, then you have no reason to be concerned.

The best element of this film is the fight sequences. Having masterful choreographer Woo-ping Yuen (Kill Bill) behind these scenes makes a difference. The battle between Jet Li and Jackie Chan is by far the best fight. Other sequences are interesting but seem a bit choppy and computerized for anyone who enjoys the classic kung fu look.

The Money Shot
I'm not entirely certain, but I think the purpose of this film is to reinvigorate the Chinese-bootleg Kung Fu movie market with the current generation of American boys. I could be wrong about that, but I am certain The Forbidden Kingdom serves up a snappy and adequate tale of epic adventure. It'll be a bigger disappointment to any Kung Fu film aficionados.


One last thing:

Also, Dude, Chinaman Chink is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please.

A Quickie: Married Life

Married Life
Release: 03/07/2008
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 30 minutes

Second-Run Seats ($$) <
> Matinee ($$$)

Pierce Brosnan (The Matador) is Richard Langley, narrator and best friend to Harry Allen, played by Chris Cooper (Breach). Patricia Clarkson (Pieces of April) plays Pat, Harry's wife whom he loves very much. The trouble is in all their years of marriage Harry has never felt that his wife has given him the emotional fulfillment he needs. Enter Rachel McAdams (The Family Stone) as Kay, a radiant, young woman Harry has fallen deeply in love with. Kay gives Harry all those wonderful emotions lacking in his married life, but for the pair to be truly happy, Pat must be hurt, which is unacceptable. To spare Pat the pain and humiliation of divorce, Harry decides the kindest solution is for her to go painlessly in her sleep with the help of poison. As Harry plots and plans, our narrator and swinging bachelor, Richard, sets his sights on his next conquest: the lovely Kay.

Married Life is completely character driven. The sole reason to see this is for the stellar performances. The actors aren't flashy or outspoken; rather, subdued and poised. Chris Cooper wells with emotion and Brosnan swaggers about with effortless charisma and devilishness. Clarkson and her auburn locks exude sexiness, and McAdams is both loving and mildly mischievous though her platinum blonde hair is a bit off-putting. Next to the acting, the 1940's- era costumes and settings are superb. The gentleman wear well-cut suits and wouldn't be caught dead without their hats. Bulky cars and every hand complete with a lit cigarette echo these signs of a different time.

It's a simple story with a smidgen of excitement and the thrill of emotional uncertainty. Nothing visually spectacular that must be seen on the big screen but a must-see for anyone who enjoys these talented actors.