Repeat Bidness: An Inconvenient Truth

*This post is on the Wrath of McCoy! auto-pilot.*

An Inconvenient Truth

Release: 05.24.06
DVD Release: 11.21.06
Rated PG

1 hour, 40 minutes

Full Price ($$$$) <
> Matinee ($$$)


In Superman Returns Lex Luthor wants to create a new land mass in the Atlantic Ocean because real estate means money and power. The problem with creating the new land mass is that it would effectively destroy Metropolis with flooding and tidal waves. Luckily for the world, Superman is there to fly in and save the day. It’s a great story line and a great movie that you should check out if you haven’t already. But you may ask yourself, why am I talking about Superman Returns in a review for An Inconvenient Truth? Because the premise is strikingly similar and not as fictional as you think. Researchers have been touting the environmental effects of global warming for decades. Global warming is reported to attribute to increased melting of glaciers and ice caps on countries such as Greenland. As the temperature rises, the ice melts and much of the planet’s frozen lands will be uncovered and readied for development. Of course, all that water will flood millions of miles of existing land and one thing’s for certain; we have no Superman to stop it.

Luckily, we have former Vice President Al Gore, and though he isn’t donning any tights or cape, he has taken to the skies to travel and educate the world about the impacts of global warming in the hopes that citizens will join together to make a global change. Director Davis Guggenheim (TV: Deadwood) presents Gore’s global journey in a documentary designed to take the message to audiences beyond the lecture hall. The documentary highlights Gore’s entire presentation, complete with visual aids and witticisms. Guggenheim does depart intermittently from the engaging presentation to delve into the orator’s history. The departures review Gore’s youth in Tennessee and Washington, D.C., his time as a senator, his son’s near-death experience, and his time as a presidential candidate, all of which help to depict Gore as a concerned individual who is reaching out to his fellow man rather than a politician or salesman with a ulterior purpose. While it is true that Gore is a politician and everyone has an agenda, the documentary successfully utilizes these segues to present the issue of global warming as pertinent to everyone.

Though it is a documentary, specifically a documentary centered on a presentation, it is engaging and at times amusing despite the weighty subject. Gore’s use of satellite imagery and historical photos help put the problem into an easily understandable perspective. For folks who may need more convincing, the documentary discusses specific research that supports the effect global warming is having on the planet. For audiences who are well-versed in global warming it is probably a little too simplified and may be a bit dull, but the average concerned individual should receive a solid foundation for understanding this issue.

Dirty Undies
Gore gets a bit passionate but not quite worked up enough to generate anything worthy of Dirty Undies status.

The Money Shot
The popular media will say that there is no conclusive evidence to prove that global warming is the cause of our increasingly hot summers. This documentary gives you the information to help you decide for yourself. Whether you come out a believer or not, going to see this film will, at the very least, spare you from the record heat wave we’re experiencing for a couple hours.

Repeat Bidness: Casino Royale

Casino Royale

Release: 11.17.06
DVD Release: 03.13.07
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 24 minutes


Full Price ($$$$)



After Die Another Day wrapped in 2002 Pierce Brosnan officially “retired” the mantle of James Bond. The search began for the new Bond and many names surfaced; Clive Owen, Jude Law, Ewan McGregor, Henry Cavill, among others. Ultimately, the role went to Daniel Craig (Munich). Many people, myself included, wondered if Craig could measure up to the role.

Casino Royale opens in warm black and white with Bond verbally sparring with a fellow agent. The scene's mood, much like that of the audience, is one of anxiety. Then, like a splash of cold water to the face, the dialogue is interrupted by flashbacks to Bond in a gritty fistfight with an informant. The sequence ends in a familiar way: Bond with gun in hand spins on his heel to face the camera, a shot rings out, and the bleeding gun barrel wavers into the title sequence. Even with one of the quickest and dirtiest openings in a Bond film, the question--can the blue-eyed, blond haired Craig be Bond--was yet to be answered.

Casino Royale is a return to the origins of Bond. Newly promoted to 00 agent status, James is on a mission to follow a trail of bombers and blood money to find the funding source for terrorists. After disappointing boss M (Judi Dench, Tomorrow Never Dies), Bond continues his search which leads him to the banker Le Chiffre (Mads Mikkelsen, King Arthur). Bond, accompanied by HM Treasury agent Vesper Lynd (Eva Green), must infiltrate a high stakes card tournament in the hopes of defeating Le Chiffre, and thus destroy his organization.

Like many Bond films before it, Casino Royale incorporates the latest cultural fads to update this decades-old character. Bond plays Texas Hold ’em, villains text message, the buzzword is terrorism, and James even has an extended chase of a bomb maker where the two utilize their aptitude for the French extreme sport of parkour. But like every Bond film, the basics are still prevalent: the tailored tuxedo, the loaded Astin Martin, the dry wit and the martini shaken, not stirred. Director Martin Campbell (Goldeneye) reignites the series. He captures a look and feel of Bond reminiscent of the Sean Connery era. Scenes in the Bahamas have a vibrant, crisp almost Technicolor feel to them. Bond’s wardrobe is trim, stylish yet classic. In fact, a scene of Craig swaggering to the hotel in a white linen shirt and pressed, bluegray slacks immediately conjures an image of Connery. And if that isn’t enough for you, seeing Craig take a “spin around the block” in a 1964 Astin Martin will definitely hearken back to the films of yore. Much like Connery and Brosnan, Craig is a no-nonsense Bond. He meets danger head-on with unparalleled smugness and can spit lines that make women buckle at the knees. But when the time for talk is over, Bond throws down be it in slugfests or elaborate action sequences. Craig portrays Bond as a man on a mission, one which often requires that, without hesitation, he get his hands dirty.

As for the story, most classic elements remain. Aside from some spectacular cellular technology, Royale is fairly devoid of the standard array of Q inspired gadgets and Q himself. Even Miss Moneypenny got a holiday. Royale doesn't even have hat-throwing assassins or massive overgrown thugs to hinder Bond. At least, the film does have a brief appearance by Felix Leiter (Jeffrey Wright, Syriana). Mikkelsen has a seediness to his visage that’ll make Le Chiffre an instantly memorable Bond villain. And Le Chiffre’s special lady friend Valenka, played by Ivana Milicevic (Love Actually) says little but has an equally up-to-no-good look in her eyes. Speaking of women, Bond has a turn with breath-taking ladies Eva Green and Caterina Murino.

Casino Royale sets the record as the longest Bond film ever made at nearly two and a half hours. It was only near the end that the length weighed on me. I am uncertain whether it was due to tidying a few unwieldy loose plot elements or if I just needed a bathroom break. Despite these few minutes of languid storytelling, I wasn’t about to excuse myself no matter how briefly, from this riveting film. The only fault I truly have with the film is that it had one of the weakest title sequences in years, though the title song by Chris Cornell was on point.

Dirty Undies
As mentioned, Milicevic, Green and Murino provide a wealth of Bond-woman hotness. Murino in particular makes you wish Casino Royale could have been the first R-rated Bond film! But Craig is no slouch himself. He gets several opportunities to prove that Bond has to look as good out of his clothes as he does in them. Whether he’s rising from the ocean or being tortured for his secrets, Craig’s rock hard pecs and abs will make you think twice, maybe even three times about messing with Bond. Craig uses those mus-kles to beat down the bad guys with a callous brutality. This Bond film definitely spills more than its share of blood.

The Money Shot
So with the film watched and all that said, is Craig Bond? I must admit to being a Craig skeptic from the moment he was chosen for the role. But having seen the film, I say with certainty he has the swagger, the demeanor and the charisma to be Bond. I personally still think his face looks like that of a battered monkey at times but only in certain lighting. Primate poutiness aside, I can’t wait to see where Craig and the new era of Bond take the world, and I hope you will be as excited as I am.

Repeat Bidness: V for Vendetta

Remember, remember the fifth of November. In honor of Guy Fawkes Night and the rousing victory speech President-elect Barack Obama gave around midnight this day (EST), I thought it'd be appropriate to revisit this film:

V for Vendetta

Original Release:03.17.06
DVD Release: 08.01.06

Rated R
2 hours, 12 minutes

Full Price ($$$$)

"Who IS that Masked Man?!"

A great dish always starts with a great recipe. Using the Wachowski Brothers’ (The Matrix) adapted screenplay of the Alan Moore and David Lloyd graphic novel, first time director James McTeigue serves up one hell of a film for audiences. V for Vendetta is set in a totalitarian Britain made so by the outbreak of a war in Iraq. The people of Britain live a subdued life thanks to their government’s curfews and strict laws. The appearance of a darkly clad man in a porcelain mask, known only as V, awakens the population with promises of a life without fear. One citizen in particular, Evey Hammond (Natalie Portman, Mars Attacks!), finds herself embroiled in V’s treasonous plot to blow up Parliament. The government hopes to squelch V, his ideals and his dangerous promises by locating the aggressor and his would-be accomplice while countering their message with pro-government propaganda.

By enlisting the aid of the talented and effervescent Portman alongside the haunting demeanor of Hugo Weaving (The Matrix ), McTeigue had the toughest work of story-telling covered. Portman, adept at playing opposite non-existent Star Wars creatures, proved equally extraordinary acting opposite an expressionless face. Weaving spouts extensive, emancipative dialogue flawlessly, imparting eloquence to the purported monster behind the mask. When V is not haranguing the tyranny of the society, he is delivering severe yet stylistic ass-whoopins to anyone attempting to oppress. Portman gets in a few one-two punches herself though it’s her conveyance of Evey’s revelations and subsequent evolution that grips audiences.

If audiences are unsure of the film’s intent; yes, it has political undertones. The story is designed to inspire unease with complacency and to urge freedom of thought as the precedent to all other freedoms. Clever wordplay is found to be sharper and more lethal than any bombs, daggers or karate gimmicks V utilizes. Multi-layered meanings and the repetition of symbols and situations help bond the lives of the main characters as well as the lives of the masses. Surprisingly, the film is not action-packed but sets an exciting and thrilling pace simply through discourse and careful sequencing while the plot unveils. V for Vendetta is a contemporary allegory worthy of attention for more than its stylistic filming.

Dirty Undies
Well, Portman doesn’t sport a thong a la Closer, but audiences would flock if they knew she dresses in a “Good Ship Lollipop” motif complete with a lacy pink dress, knee high socks and Mary Janes, and let’s not forget pin curl pigtails. Had a few scenes of that image been included in the trailer, the opening box office would’ve increased by another $5 million, easy. Fans of Natalie need not worry about her hairless head; she looks almost sexy enough to bring the Sinead O’Connor cut back into fashion. Those not interested in Portman will be out of luck as Vendetta is devoid of anyone else attractive, unless bloated Brits or gaunt interment-camp prisoners are your thing. The action is good and bloody but occurs infrequently. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, especially since the scenes shown are very vicious and violent.

The Money Shot
No doubt, Vendetta has a bone to pick with oppression, and more so with any society that allows oppression to persist. The director cloaks the film in a veil of action and style but Vendetta’s memorable dialogue, contributed by both the vigilante and onlookers, will ring in your ears long after viewing. V for Vendetta can best be summed up by Evey: “Artists use lies to tell the truth. Politicians use them to cover it up.” You should pay to listen to what these artists are saying.

Repeat Bidness: Land of the Dead

* This post is part of the Week of Reel WHorror! *

Original Release: 06.24.05
DVD Release: 10.18.05

Rated R; (DVD: UR)
1 hour, 33 minutes;
(UR: 1 hour, 37 minutes)

Full Price ($$$$) < > Matinee ($$)

"Dead don’t get no respect!"


We've watched zombies evolve from the shambling, grunting corpses of 1968's Night of the Living Dead to those who spew blood a dozen feet and give chase like they’re Usain Bolt a la 28 Days Later. How can the king of the undead genre hope to compete? Simple; writer-director George A. Romero has the zombies who awoke in the night, ravaged in the dawn, and overran in the day now exert their will over the land.

Humans have taken up refuge on an island city where a societal class system is still in effect. The poor masses huddle beneath the Utopian skyscraper of the rich known as Fiddler’s Green. Fiddler’s Green is run by Kaufman (Dennis Hopper, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2) who uses money and influence to command an army and a team of scavengers. Riley (Simon Baker, Ring Two) leads the lowly scavengers alongside Cholo, played by everyone’s favorite typecast Latino, John Leguizamo (Spawn). The duo, with scavenger crew in tow, lead a foraging run to a neighboring zombie-infested city where the zombies’ have attained the ability to communicate and react. Shortly following, all Hell breaks loose as the zombies unite to swarm the human outpost.

While the evolution of zombies into thinking, rationalizing creatures is contrary to their very nature, you have to admit that it makes for a cool film concept. Big Daddy zombie uses his jerky movements and disgruntled moans to fuse his rotting brethren into a menacing, unstoppable force. Riley and Cholo are the stereotypical heroes, the Cain and Able if you will, of the scavengers. Riley is a hard-working, honest, and caring leader who just wants to retire far away from the dilapidated existence humans know. Cholo is a self-centered hustler looking to buy his way into Kaufman's high society Kaufman.

As with previous Romero flicks, the humans’ superficial aspirations blind them to the more immediate threat of being devoured by shuffling nimrods, so just imagine the panic and carnage when those nimrods start wielding knives, guns, and jackhammers! Post-apocalyptic vehicles, fireworks, and massive explosions fill the voids between the shallow conflicts emerging among the city’s denizens.

The zombie make-up and special effects are friggin’ awesome. My favorite was the perpetual pearly whites of Number 9. Keep a close eye out for zombies that have made appearances in previous Dead films; in particular the infamous Bub from Day of the Dead and the Seersucker Zombie from the original Night of the Living Dead. I’m certain there had to be more cameos, but with so many zombies in Hollywood, it’s hard to remember all their faces.

Dirty Undies
Ahh, the refreshing aftertaste of an R-rated film! Romero dishes up a sensory overload of violence, cursing and racial slurs! The 65-yr-old even flashes us a nice pair of chesticles; after all this is a man who made his bread and butter in the heyday of the 70’s and 80’s. Watching these shambling, festering corpses take up arms, and literally, arms to fight against the infringing humans is intense. The prolonged sequences of gore and destruction as the undead turn humans into wishbones; tearing hunks from throats, snacking on sausagesque intestines and wrestling over scraps of actual finger foods will surely sate even the sickest of appetites.

The Money Shot
Not only does Romero improve upon his zombies, but also his story's undertones. You’ll leave the theater ruminating whether the humans were really the victims. Preponderances aside, Land of the Dead is ideal brain candy for the mindless theater masses.

Repeat Bidness: Red Eye

* This post is part of the Week of Reel WHorror! *

Original Release: 08.19.05
DVD Release: 01.10.06

Rated PG-13
1 hour, 25 minutes

Full Price ($$$$) <
> Matinee ($$$)

"Giving other thrillers the stink eye."

Veteran horror director Wes Craven (Scream) proves that a successful thriller can be accomplished given the PG-13 restriction, though most contemporary horror flicks have proven to the contrary. The premise of this tense tale is that hotel concierge Lisa Reisert (Rachel McAdams, Wedding Crashers), is returning to Miami on the red eye flight after attending her grandmother’s funeral in Texas. While suffering through security and weather delays, she meets fellow passenger Jackson Rippner (Cillian Murphy, 28 Days Later), whom she hesitantly befriends. Once aboard the plane, Lisa finds the odds in her favor as the handsome Jackson is seated by her side. Her luck abruptly ends as the young businessman's disturbing agenda puts several lives, including hers, in immediate jeopardy. At 30,000 feet there’s nowhere to run and escape may be too late by the time the plane lands.

Wes Craven ties this thrilling saga to the wings of air travel in current day America. Besides dealing with the death of her grandmother, a demanding job and a doting father, Lisa has the added stress of shoving elbows with disgruntled passengers. The detailed, hectic life scripted for Lisa is well delivered by McAdams’s performance. Her expressive features and casual presence spark an instant closeness with the audience. Without such an emotional connection, would have become another pointless shock-fest. Accenting her luminous performance is the equally adept Murphy. Thanks to his charming good looks, Lisa overlooks his somewhat foreboding remarks in the hope they make a love connection. Murphy expresses a duality with Jackson that creates an unnerving tone for the film. The tête-à-tête with McAdams and Murphy is the focal point, and thankfully their excellent acting talents help maintain the necessary intensity.

Red Eye does run a bit short, but it helps that the thriller moves fast and that the premise is simple to follow. Having our protagonist trapped in an enclosed space at the mercy of a threatening villain keeps the audience guessing what can be done next and who will be left standing once the dust clears. The visual experience assists the story as well, many times giving the vantage of a fellow passenger or supporting character and never the omniscient presence that can many times spoil an effective thriller.

Dirty Undies
Wes Craven rounds out the cast with one of my favorite filler actors, Brian Cox (The Ring), who sports some very Craven-esque make up during his few minutes of screen time. While the scripting keeps you riveted to the story, the two main actors’ attractive, disarming features will keep your eyes glued to the screens. Since this is ultimately a PG-13 thriller, there is no skin to speak of though we do get a panty shot from McAdams’s stunt double. I know, not quite what you're hoping, but at least her double gets lots of work with the abundance of spine-tingling chases and altercations. The death toll isn’t inordinately high, but Craven saves up the mayhem for a handful of satisfyingly brutal scenes.

The Money Shot
Thanks to some clever casting, Wes Craven can rise from the ashes of the accursed Cursed with his head held high. This tale of terror is infused with a hearty dose of tension that will ripple through the viewer. Without a doubt, Red Eye proves the case for quality over quantity.

Repeat Bidness: Vacancy

*This post is part of the Week of Reel WHorror!*

Original Release: 04.20.07
DVD Release: 08.14.07
Rated R
1 hour, 25 minutes

Full Price ($$$$) < > Matinee ($$$)

"Vacancy Packs Houses."

Amy (Kate Beckinsale, Underworld) and David Fox (Luke Wilson, Scream 2), are a married couple within weeks of their divorce. Returning from a party Amy sleeps while David avoids interstate gridlock by taking the remote mountainous back roads; getting lost and stranded in the middle of the night (never a good thing). Backtracking to a nearby motel, the couple is left with no option but to stay the night and wait for the garage to open in the morning. Attempting to settle in Room 4, strange noises and bad decor force them to pop in the complimentary videos. Realizing the heinous acts recorded on the tape were taken at the motel, the pair’s differences become inconsequential when weighed against their desire to survive the night.

The trailers for Vacancy left me less than excited at venturing to see this. However, within a few moments it becomes clear that Wilson and Beckinsale are working diligently to save this potentially dicey film. Wilson employs his dry sarcastic wit, making the bitter relationship between the unhappy couple completely believable. Beckinsale brings a pissiness and irritation to Amy’s tone and mannerisms that will send an “ice-cold bitch” shiver down your spine. But Wilson and Beckinsale evolve Amy and David into terrified, God-fearing people when the ear-piercing screams and dull thud of knife in flesh blare from the motel’s ancient TV.

The emotional duress endured by the characters is only one of the driving forces. Director Nimród Antal develops an atmosphere of suspense and intensity to keep audience hearts racing (and, if like the lady a few seats over, jumping from your seat). With such a minuscule cast, the terror and panic generated by Vacancy is surprisingly immense. Unfortunately the film is not an out-of-the-park home run; the director, the producers or the story itself loses its cojones and the ending falls flat. Thankfully, the thrills and chills have more than exceeded the price of admission.

Dirty Undies

The crack of bone, shrill screams and desperate final pleas from blood stained faces will resonate in your mind even though they are the briefest of moments within the film. The struggle of their lives, for their lives, elevates the seemingly weak Amy and David into determined, resentful powerhouses, which make for a hell of a series of tense, violent encounters.

The Money Shot

It just goes to show that you cannot always judge a book by its cover, or in this case, a movie by its trailer. What looked to be a potentially painful and arduous installment in the seemingly endless stream of crap horror is actually one of the better horror flicks. Vacancy is an unnerving film (minor plotholes withstanding), and I don’t think theaters will leave the light on for the easily frightened.

Repeat Bidness: Batman Begins

Stargazers: Just a reminder the Repeat Bidness feature is a reprint of my pre-blog reviews. Since you may find yourself showing up to more than one sold-out screening of The Dark Knight this movie should help tide you over.


Batman Begins

Release: 06.15.2005

DVD Release: 10.15.2008

Rated PG-13

2 hours, 21 minutes

Full Price ($$$$)

It’ll make you get up and ‘Batusi’!

Writer-director Christopher Nolan (Insomnia) and writer David S. Goyer (Blade) unite to revive the Batman movie franchise after its near decimation eight years ago at the hands of Joel Schumacher. This origin story depicts the evolution of Bruce Wayne into the legendary Batman as he encounters the first of many of the corrupt individuals who will plague the streets of Gotham while defining his own morality and mortality.

The cast is a laundry list of Grade A talent. Christian Bale (Equilibrium) steps into the role he was born to play, the young Bruce Wayne, a.k.a fledgling Dark Knight. At Bruce’s side is his loyal and flippant butler, Alfred, portrayed by Michael Caine (Cider House Rules) whose British accent, superb acting and paternal delivery effortlessly elicit emotion from the viewer. Liam Neeson (Darkman) plays Bruce’s mentor/trainer Ducard. Ducard and the League of Shadows follow the warped visions of the madman Ra’s Al Ghul, played by Ken Watanabe (The Last Samurai). Cillian Murphy (28 Days Later), with his penetrating yet distant eyes, embodies the brash, deranged Dr. Jonathan Crane who conspires to shroud Gothamites in their deepest fears. The man holding Gotham in the palm of his hand is mob boss Carmine Falcone, portrayed by Tom Wilkinson (Rush Hour), whose partnership with the unhinged Crane spells disaster. Trying to fight the good fight against the city’s villainous men are district attorney Rachel Dawes, played by Katie Holmes (Wonder Boys), Sgt. Jim Gordon portrayed by Gary Oldman (Dracula), and Wayne Enterprises exec Lucious Fox, well-delivered by the always entertaining Morgan Freeman (Se7en).

Given such an abundance of stellar talent, there was no doubt that this film would be a welcome return to the cape folds. The plotting and subplots of the story are woven together elegantly through the simple adage of fear. Fear sets the tone of the film as very dark, with only brief moments of levity to relieve the gloom. Pacing is quick enough to keep audiences from being bogged down in melodrama but does not leave any crucial elements hanging. Begins takes a technique from the Spider-Man movies by introducing characters and themes from the mythos that will take on more pivotal roles in the inevitable sequels. The events and characters are altered but faithful adaptations of their comic counterparts to gel the story for film audiences. My only problem is the inclusion of the semi-romantic relationship with Rachel, which could have been easily excluded for the purposes of the prequel. Batman truly does begin again, erasing missteps of the past and paving the way for promising viewing experiences to come.

Dirty Undies
Many of the stunts in the film are simply put, astounding. I was a bit disappointed by the stylized violence in lieu of good old fist-to-face contact but we all know my beef with the PG-13 puss-out. The fights were plentiful, even if not clearly discernible at times, making for a worthy shout out for violence and destruction. Cutie Katie Holmes is in the film to keep it from being total sausage party. She does add a desperately needed dose of femininity, though the forced inclusion of her character does little else to enhance the story. Christian Bale regained his healthy physique after wasting away for last year’s The Machinist. Many of you will be pleased to see some brief moments where he flexes his well-honed guns and tightens his uncovered pecks. This doesn’t really pertain to this film, but Bale remarked that he hoped the next Batman film would be released in both PG-13 and R rated versions so the character can be broadened to show a more sexual, darker side. A man after my own heart he is. Let’s hope his idea gets consideration, both for top-notch fight choreography and to give Katie a reason to return.

The Money Shot
So if you can’t get into Batman Begins remember that the talented Bale also lends his voice to Howl’s Moving Castle, which opens this week. I’m sure you’d rather spend your money on the caped crusader but Hayao Miyazaki anime can also be a winner. Now that my Batman appetite is sated, maybe I can report back to you on that film next week. To quote Adam West of Batman TV series fame “Better three hours too soon than a minute too late” so get in line now. To the batcave!

Join me in a little Batusi?

Is THAT what I am to become?!

Repeat Bidness: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

With Prince Caspian releasing this weekend, I am comforted knowing that I will use my complimentary IMAX tickets to instead enjoy Speed Racer, which has been garnering decent praise from some of the LAMBs. You may ask, but Whore, why do you not get all moist and tingly at the latest addition to the realm of Narnia? If you didn’t notice the trepidation in my May Trailer Trash, here’s a taste of the sourness left in my mouth by the flagship film of this series.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

Rated PG; 2 hours, 23 minutes
Second-Run Seats ($$) <> Matinee ($$$)

"About as exciting as sitting in a wardrobe for over two hours can be!"

The Pevensie children, Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy, are sent to live with Professor Kirke (Jim Broadbent, Iris) in his country home to keep them safe during World War II. While playing hide and go seek, Lucy, the youngest child, uncovers a wardrobe and discovers it to be a doorway into the land of Narnia. Before long, all the Pevinsie children find themselves escaping through the wardrobe, only to become embroiled in the affairs of the oppressed populace. Narnia’s oppressor, the White Witch (Tilda Swinton, Constantine), soon learns of the children’s presence and seeks to destroy them.

Director Andrew Adamson (Shrek) takes the adapted screenplay of the C.S. Lewis book and does (what we assume to be) his best to bring the mystical land of Narnia to life. Indeed, some of the creatures are simply astounding. The special effects department went out of their way to make the Beavers, Maugrim and the wolf patrol, and Aslan the Lion fairly seamless in their interactions with the main characters and their surroundings. That’s why it’s especially disappointing that much of the remaining effects appear slapped together. For example, the children are many times shot with a ‘blue screen’ backdrop that resembles the quality of mid-80’s pornography. Also, the animation of the faun, Mr. Tumnus, doesn’t always mesh quite as well as hoped. On the bright side, the make-up used for Tumnus and the White Witch, as well as the centaurs, minotaurs and dwarves, help compensate for the shoddy special effects.

Ultimately, the major dilemma with the realm of Narnia is its shallowness. The characters and the story’s history are severely underdeveloped. From the confusing opening moments of the film, in which the Pevensies run for cover during a German air raid, you begin to wonder if this is the magical movie advertised over the last few months. This frantic opening pace quickly settles into a lengthy, somewhat plodding exposition on the superficial characteristics of Narnia. Very little is done in the way of providing stimulating conflict or tension with our little heroes. Some of the blame lies with the young cast’s marginal acting, but much of the responsibility should fall on the shoulders of the director and his producers who couldn’t sense the lack of heart in their final product. On the plus side, Georgie Henley is simply a delight as Lucy Pevensie. Dakota Fanning better watch her back because if Georgie gets her green card she will provide some stiff competition for America’s hardest-working child actress.

Dirty Undies
Bubkis! I can’t remember a single tantalizing moment of vulgarity, sexuality, or violence that really sticks to your ribs. The film does have a bit of violent innuendo, but the kid-friendly rating keeps the brunt of the exchanges off-screen in lieu of up-close and personal payout.

The Money Shot
When the credits finished rolling, I was fortunate to have a few friends to mull over the lamentable Chronicles I with me. The consensus was that, thanks to such phenomenal film series as Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings, audiences expect their fantasy films to provide a thorough and faithful homage to their favorite literary works. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe has all the big-budget flash and tedious length associated with the aforementioned fantastic epics, but fails to balance the glitz with any substantial emotion or story. The beautifully crafted wardrobe housed a myriad of bedazzling furs, and in that respect ‘Narnia the Movie’ is similar; filled and trimmed with the same splendid yet hollow quality.