Wow! Welcome to my first official ‘Movies of Summer’ Gang Bang! Looking at the list over at IMDB, it looks like Hollywood decided to take it easy on me with only nine major releases. Granted, one of them is a Uwe Boll film. That’s like the syphilis guy showing up for the party…Yeah, that bad. Before I start lambasting Uwe Boll, let’s slide on into the roll call.
Exercise the right to Cinematic Celibacy.
Made of Honor (05/02) Raise your hand if your think Dempsey’s last great movie was Can’t Buy Me Love. Anyways, this trailer carries the stench of swamp-ass. I nearly had a Best Woman at my wedding, but some baby-mama drama kept it from happening. Trust me, it wasn’t nearly as interesting as it sounds, just like this film isn’t nearly as endearing as it wants to be.
P.S. – You’re my boy, Kadeem Hardison, but do you have to shuck and jive like a Chris Rock stand-in?
Postal (05/23) Uwe Boll is a genius. At directing? HELL NO! But knowing his reputation for making über-shitty video-game adaptations, he’s stirred up a barrage of controversy over the last month by calling director Michael Bay a “fucking retard.” His antics have garnered him more publicity than any of his films deserve. As for the film itself, it’s a--you guessed right--, video game adaptation that’s billed as a live-action South Park, but I recommend you stay home and enjoy authentic South Park instead.
Sex and the City: The Movie (05/30) I admit I’ve only seen a few eps of Sex & the City. Maybe by the end of the month I will watch them all. That said, I still won’t give a damn about seeing this. The official trailer manages to give away every lady’s storyline, but at least it explains how Academy Award winner Jennifer Hudson’s role as token has been wedged into the plot. I sported major wood in my teen years for Kim Cattrall. As an adult, Kristin Davis held that honor, but nothing puts the soldier at ease faster than seeing Sarah Jessica Parker in the latest “fashions.”
(This makes my penis sad...)
It's Friday, I don't want to be Alone.Speed Racer (05/09) Emile Hirsch as Speed Racer is perfect. Christina Ricci with bangs? Totally works. I’ve also loved every non-Matrix-sequel film the Wachowski siblings have made. All that considered, why do I have a NYEH kind of a feeling when watching this trailer?
(No Bangs. Eek! Yes Bangs..She Bangs.)
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (05/16) For those unaware, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe was one of the most overrated films ever! Here’s hoping the gazillions they earned off the gullible helped to increase the special effects budget in Volume 2. Can thirteen hundred years improve the return of the Jesus Lion and the rugrats? Here’s hoping.
Moist with Antici...pation!
Iron Man (05/01) Trying to avoid seeing too many trailers for this is like trying not to breathe... [in droning tone] Iron Man Rocks. Must watch Iron Man. My world is Iron… um, sorry, where was I? Seriously, the story of a talented man rising above his substance-dependent and egotistical lifestyle to win the adulation of millions is reason enough to see this. And the Tony Stark/Iron Man origins story will be cool, too.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (05/23) After The Last Crusade I’d have never thought I’d live my entire twenties without an Indiana Jones sequel. Hell, who would’ve thought we’d see Harrison Ford take up the hat and whip in his late sixties?! Nevertheless, who isn’t excited that the holy trinity of adventure filmmakers, Spielberg-Lucas-Ford, finally made this a reality? Now let’s all pray that the old codger can manage to enunciate half his damn lines and not break a hip lest this be renamed the more appropriate Indiana Jones and the Silver Wheelchair.
(grumble, grumble. Are there monkey brains for dessert? grumble.)
The Strangers (05/30) If I see one good film featuring Liv Tyler this summer, this will be it (no offense, Mr. Norton). My skin crawls when I see this trailer, though for once, it’s not from Scott Speedman’s acting. Being the only major horror flick on the May slate gives it a must see for the terror-deprived (Midnight Meat Train was moved to August, damnit!).
---Aren’t you just tingling with excitement for Summer 2008!? This is just the tip of the iceberg. You’ll be seeing lots more coverage in the weeks to come. Next up is my participation in the Summer of LAMB challenge.
Time’s a wastin’! I’ll see you at Iron Man this weekend!
(No Bangs. Eek! Yes Bangs..She Bangs.)
(grumble, grumble. Are there monkey brains for dessert? grumble.)
Good reviews.Made of honor is not the worst film of the year. In fact, it's not even really a bad movie. It's unoriginal, standard, and ordinary, but not terrible.
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