Baby Mama Drama

Wow, lots of crazy topics centering on children this week. Let's jump right in with the top three stories.

1. Baby Mama tops the box office. Reel Whore reneges on initial rating.

You heard it right, folks. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's film ranked #1 at the box office. Yea! I am happy for them. So happy I saw this a second time (mainly because my wife wanted to see this). Upon second viewing, I must really have needed to laugh at the sneak peek I attended. The film is still good, but I have adjusted my review rating of Full Price ($$$$) down a half-notch (Full Price <> Matinee). Sorry ladies; it was good, just not that good.


2. Amy Poehler's having a baby!

Hot off the heels of her #1 film about being a baby mama, Amy Poehler announces that she will be having a baby with hubby Will Arnett this autumn.

Congratulations Amy & Will!

I bet that the little bundle of joy grows up to be one of the funniest people on the planet.

Whether it's a girl or a boy, at least Franklin will finally have a sibling.





3. Baby Suri turns two and drama returns to my life.

A week or so back I hinted that I was having some issues. Those who know me know all too well to what I was referring. I was, of course, speaking about Baby Suri turning two. I am sure you've been hearing all sorts of rumors about Katie moving to an NYC apartment, but that she and Tommy Boy are still madly in love. Well, I have a bit more truth on the matter, but I have promised--more like been instructed--not to say anything until after Tom does his double appearance on Oprah. Stay tuned, stargazers; you won't believe what's next.

For readers feeling a bit in the dark, here's the recap of what I'm going on and on about:

That’s My Baby!
Originally written: October 2005

Everyone knows how commercial Hollywood is. We all groaned and mumbled when the monster that was ‘Bennifer’ got all matrimonial conveniently around the release of their big screen disaster Gigli. This year we received much of the same gossip and free publicity with the Aniston/Pitt/Jolie fiasco, not to mention the big summer affair; Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. We all sat wide-eyed and confused as Tom did cartwheels on Oprah’s couch and Katie blubbered on and on to Regis about how Tom was so sweet and not the creepy Scientology zealot that his interviews make him out to be. Seeing Katie profess her love for ‘he of the crooked smile’ was a bit disheartening for me, as many of you know. Now it turns out, the public has just learned that not only are they happily in love, but now there love has manifested itself into a soon to be living being…

At least, that’s what they want you to think. As I just said I was a bit disheartened when Katie was running around with Tom. I thought after Chris dumped her out of sheer insanity, that she would finally come to her senses and contact this good ol’ NC boy, if at least for some vigorous rebound loving. But Tom scooped her up before Katie and I could make our love/lust connection. After some of the initial motorcycle riding and couch jumping hype subsided, Katie was nice enough to let me know about their relationship. See, K-k and I go way back to her TV days before she became the big film star she is now. I can’t tell you all the time people had to drag us apart so she could stand in for her scenes. But I digress; she called me out of the blue one evening, just to tell me how she and TC were, in fact, very much in love and wished that people could understand that. Stranger things have happened right? I was a little offended that she never gave us a chance, but then again, if Halle Berry had come to me after her latest break-up Katie’s disregard would have been the last thing on my mind (Hell, if Halle had come to me I could have saved her and us from Catwoman but that’s a story for another time.) As I was saying, K-k and I talked everything over and I wished her well with her new romance and thought that was that.

Just a few weeks later, she called, all despondent. She had discovered that TC could not have kids (a rather graphic, unfortunate wax incident with his first wife Mimi but you didn’t hear that from me). So I met up with her to offer some solace, we got to laughing and talking, and long story short…That’s My Baby! When I had heard the good news this week, I thought wow, sometimes miracles do happen and the Big T pulled it off. But it was Katie’s message the other day that confirmed that I provided the “key” component to their cocktail o’ love. Of course, none of this is 100% until all the tests come back and I really do hope that I have not planted a seed of dissension between the two lovebirds. I did think that you, my devoted readers, would like to hear the full story behind one of the most talked about Hollywood couples. I do wish Tom and Katie all the best, and I do think that for one minute the announcement of her being ‘preggers’ so soon before the release of “Batman Begins” was a marketing contrivance. Nor should anyone think that these two enamored individuals would move the wedding up from Christmas to late November just so their wedding publicity would bolster the “War of the Worlds” DVD profits. If I know K-k, is just coincidence that these two mega-stars busy schedules continue to overlap with their personal lives. I wish the soon-to-be-three of them all the best. Just keep in mind folks, if the baby has the fattest legs you’ve ever seen on a newborn; That’s My Baby!

F’ A Cupcake!
Originally written: April 2007

Alright Stargazers…

I thought I could let this go without saying anything, but after last night’s incident, my story must be told. After watching “Year of the Dog,” I came home to find three packages on my doorstep. The first two were for my new PC, which makes me very, very happy. But the third box was unfamiliar and unexpected. Once I settled in, I popped the top of the little brown box, and immediately saw red. I couldn’t believe my former friend and one-time lover had the nerve to pull some shit like this.But I’m getting ahead of myself; let me first say that last week had been difficult for me. As many of you may have realized, it was my daughter’s birthday last Wednesday. She turned a year old, and for obvious reasons, I was not invited to her birthday party. It’s not like I could have jumped on a plane to fly out for the party, though her mother could have hooked me up had she the desire. (I remember the desire she used to have. I guess motherhood changes a person.) At any rate, my daughter turned a year old; I was not there, and I’m sure my gift never even made it to her hands as “daddy” probably felt it was unworthy of “his” baby girl.

So I had moved on, hoping that I’d at least get some photos over e-mail or something within the next few weeks. Then, unsuspecting as I was, I opened up that box to find a stale cupcake from the Beverly Hills bakery, Sprinkles. What a bitch! K-k knows good and well that she didn’t invite me to the party so why would she send me a cupcake other than to taunt the fact that she’s living the life with Cruise at the crazy complex? I know what you’re thinking-- maybe she did it as an apology for Cruise never allowing me to see my child. That thought crossed my mind, too, but then I saw the envelope underneath the cupcake. It was a small pink envelope much akin to an invitation. Hesitantly I opened it. Inside were two things.

The first was a party invitation for baby Suri. By the way, I so did not like that name – voicing my disapproval was one of the last times I spoke with K-k. But I digress. This invitation didn’t have all the nifty details one would expect on an invite; instead just a few sentences were scrawled on the back:

“I hope you understand why you were not invited. Suri doesn’t need the confusion of two men in her life, nor do I. I am happy for the gift you have given us. The pact Tom and I have made includes love for Suri. I am grateful for knowing you. With warmest regards,

-K-k

K-k has always been nice, and while the letter was nice enough, it was a flowery way of telling me to piss off and stay clear of the Cruise family. With that I can deal, but the second item in the envelope just refueled my anger – it was a pizza coupon. And not just any pizza chain: CiCi’s Pizza! Now I know the CiCi’s franchise hasn’t quite made it to California, so Tom or K-k must have gone out of their way to secure this coupon. But the fact that it was a CiCi’s coupon and not Papa Johns, or even Pizza Hut, speaks louder than anything. I could almost see his smug, crooked smile as he slipped the coupon into the envelope. A final “up yours” gesture from the sterile simp. I tell ya, if we ever cross paths I’ll knock that shit-eating grin right off his face.

I still cannot believe K-k would send something like that to me, her baby daddy. Receiving that bizarre invite in the mail was the equivalent of a horse’s head under the sheets. Tom has made it clear that a war is coming. You’d think he would be thankful that it was me and my seed which brought he and K-k closer together. But some folks only focus on the small issues, and Tom’s obsesses way too much on the small.

With all that has transpired, I don’t know what this means for the friendship between K-k and I, or the future of our little girl. I do know that you will be the first to hear about whatever smarmy trick Cruise has up his sleeve next. A coupon and a cupcake? Fuck a cupcake, it’s on!