One Night in Paris...

The vault can’t get enough James Bond! It was just one month ago that Timothy Dalton’s The Living Daylights was featured in honor of Global James Bond Day. Today, on the opening of Bond’s twenty-third film, Skyfall, I reached into the hat and pulled out a worthy Bond title to feature.

Tomorrow Never Dies

Egomaniacal media mogul Elliot Carver (Jonathan Pryce) is poised to launch the Carver Media Group’s satellite news network with the tragic, breaking news of an impending war between China and Great Britain. He knows this because his henchmen, Henry Gupta (Ricky Jay) and Stamper (Götz Otto), have instigated the entire incident on his behalf by sinking the HMS Devonshire and destroying a Chinese fighter jet. As the British Royal Navy mobilizes to confront the Chinese fleet in the South China Sea, M (Judi Dench) orders her top agent, James Bond (Pierce Brosnan), to uncover the truth. With only forty-eight hours before the advent of World War III, Bond finds himself teamed with fellow spy, Wai Lin (Michelle Yeoh) of the Chinese People’s External Security Force, to stop the presses on this madman’s war for ratings.

Rendezvous...

Bourne...Jason Bourne - Sorry, my mistake!

Quantum of Solace


Release: 11.14.08
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 41 minutes


Matinee ($$$)



Picking up shortly after Casino Royale, James Bond (Daniel Craig, Layer Cake) brings the villainous Mr. White in for questioning. After an attempt on M's life (Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal), White escapes and Bond is in hot pursuit. The trail leads to the environmentalist Dominic Greene (Mathieu Almaric, Munich) and his lover Camille (Olga Kurylenko, Hitman). Bond must go rogue, disobeying MI6 orders, to prove Greene is part of a larger conspiracy known only as Quantum.

Bond 22 kicks off like a good Bond film should; with an action packed adrenaline rush that flows into the title sequence. The title sequence, a sandy silhouette of Bond, bullets and curvaceous babes was extremely satisfying for this fanboy. From there, the film continues with an action-heavy front end, though much of those scenes are an unrecognizable blur. One particular fight sequence instantly reminded me of the Bourne series. First, I blamed director Marc Forster (Monster's Ball) for being unable to shoot action properly; having to rely upon a frenetic, indiscernible flurry of shots. Ironically, my research uncovered that second unit director Dan Bradley was hired specifically for his previous Bourne work. Many PG-13 films tend to rely on blurred action to keep the film short while maintaining a faux brutality. Personally, I'd rather have stretched the run time of Quantum over two hours if it meant clearly-shot fight sequences and well framed chases.

Speaking of time, Casino Royale may have clocked in an hour longer, but Quantum felt just as long. The beginning action had to diverge into a lengthy exposition of Bond, Camille and Greene's stories to give the climax the proper umph. Craig still approaches Bond as a no nonsense, unstoppable force of reckoning. Kurylenko played Camille as stubborn, her story tragic, and she pulled off the anger and sympathy while still looking amazing. Dench played the normally unshakable M with a tinge of vulnerability at the thought of a powerful, secretive society right under her nose.


Dirty Undies
Car, plane and boat chases, highlighted by plain ol' ass-whoopings were plentiful, even if the action was a jumbled mess more often than not. Kurylenko was oh so hot, even with the barely explained scarring. My friends would have preferred to have seen more Gemma Arterton (and I assume her character), but Kurylenko was the appropriate fit to match Bond's fixated and hurried pace.

The Money Shot
I like the homages in Quantum; the Universal Exports business card and the Goldfinger scene helped to remind me this was in fact a Bond film and not some Shooter, Bourne or Transporter wannabe. The superb acting, story and the few allusions to Bonds of yore make Quantum of Solace a formidable addition to the 007 history. I, with five friends in tow, went into Quantum with expectations high. When we all exited expressing similar misgivings about the dark direction of the series, it couldn't let it go unmentioned. Bond has been a spy of unparalleled prowess for decades, it's time he starts to act like one.

***

Creative Suggestions
I feel the conclusion of Quantum leaves the door open for the series to see a return to familiar ground. Here's a few things that will make this Bond fan extremely happy:

1) Hire a director that can balance well-developed story telling with coherent action sequences.

2) Get some new writing blood so you can lighten (just a bit) the weighty emotional turmoil of the characters.

3) M needs a Miss Moneypenny, if for nothing more than to give Bond a softer, more playful side.

4) We need a nearly unbeatable henchman. A big, burly mutha that Bond can't smackdown in five to seven seconds. He doesn't need any steel-rimmed hat or metal teeth gimmick, he just needs to present a challenge that can't be removed with fists.

5) Bring back the quips! A Bond is only as good as his banter and ability to laugh in the face of danger. I'm not saying go all "Snowboards and California Girls" on us, but a little fun is acceptable.

6) How about Bond have better gadgets than a cell phone that takes really great photos? Again, the car doesn't have to turn invisible, but can we get a tear gas pen?

AND

7) Major Boothroyd a.k.a. Q must not be absent any longer! Hiring Ricky Gervais or Simon Pegg is a bit of overkill for such a small role. Might I suggest Alan Tudyk of Firefly fame or that naked stand-in from Love Actually, Martin Freeman. A charming fellow along these lines will help soften the rugged exterior of Craig-Bond. This, EON Productions, is non-negotiable.

Huh, huh, You Said "Poll" (11.20.08)

Wow! It pays to have a question worth asking. After dismal participation in my Ugly Betty poll, my James Bond poll yielded the highest participation to date; and ran for a fraction of the time! If you don't recall, I wanted to know which actor was your favorite Eon Productions' James Bond. With a total of 15 votes, here's the breakdown:

0 Votes:

Pierce Brosnan, George Lazenby and Roger Moore got no love from the masses! Lazenby I totally understand given his single film turn. I don't get all the Brosnan haters. Like my buddy Will said, folks loved him when Goldeneye released but once Casino Royale opened folks were like, "Brosnan was shit!" Fine, be a fair weather Pierce fan, but there is NO EXCUSE for the lack of Roger Moore love. Sure, he was campy and he rarely did his own stunts, but damn if he didn't look and age better than Connery during his Bond stint. Plus Moore was smooth as butter with the ladies. For shame, people. For shame.

1 Vote:

Timothy Dalton did get a single vote, but I assume someone's mouse finger slipped. Seriously, this man managed to re-energize the series in his first installment and murder it on his reprisal. To each his own I suppose.

3 Votes:

Daniel Craig came onto the scene swinging in Casino Royale and managed to score 3 votes solely on that performance (the poll closed before Quantum opened). I had my doubts monkey-face would have the sex appeal and swagger to pull off Bond, but he brought all that and more to his debut. Tune back in tomorrow to see how I thought he fared in his reprisal.

And the Winner, with 11 Votes:

Sean Connery blew away the competition. Damn straight! Connery set the tone for all Bonds to follow. He was suave and sophisticated, but wasn't afraid to beat a mo fo down, be it a nasty villain or sexy dame. Rugged and irresistible, he was the damn man.

I didn't vote in this poll. I have a rule of thumb about Bonds; the only great ones have made three or more films. That's right. You can't accurately judge a Bond on a couple of films. Sometimes Bond must be more debonair than destructive while others require tact more so than muscle. It can be difficult to balance all those elements in a single story. I have equal love for Connery, Moore and Brosnan. Connery is the no-nonsense original; the ultimate alpha male. Moore was the smooth operator; melt her panties instead of ripping them off. Brosnan brought class to the camp and sharpened the dulled edge of the character. I have much love for Craig, but until he turns in one more installment, he shall not attain true Reel Whore love.

*** New Poll ***

Enough with the Bond love...for now. It's time for a new poll to adorn my sidebar. I'll make this one simple. Everyone's heard the buzz about Frank Miller's The Spirit. Since its Miller's directorial debut I can't miss this film's debut. Still, my spidey-sense is tingling (I'd say I've got the whore itch, but that's just nasty). Anywho...

I'm wondering if we're seeing this Christmas release as not a sign of confidence in the product but as counter programming to Oscar potentials? How will The Spirit move you? Will The Spirit reach new levels of awesomenicity, will it sucka donkey balls or do you not give a damn? The poll will be up for a few weeks.

Repeat Bidness: Casino Royale

Casino Royale

Release: 11.17.06
DVD Release: 03.13.07
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 24 minutes


Full Price ($$$$)



After Die Another Day wrapped in 2002 Pierce Brosnan officially “retired” the mantle of James Bond. The search began for the new Bond and many names surfaced; Clive Owen, Jude Law, Ewan McGregor, Henry Cavill, among others. Ultimately, the role went to Daniel Craig (Munich). Many people, myself included, wondered if Craig could measure up to the role.

Casino Royale opens in warm black and white with Bond verbally sparring with a fellow agent. The scene's mood, much like that of the audience, is one of anxiety. Then, like a splash of cold water to the face, the dialogue is interrupted by flashbacks to Bond in a gritty fistfight with an informant. The sequence ends in a familiar way: Bond with gun in hand spins on his heel to face the camera, a shot rings out, and the bleeding gun barrel wavers into the title sequence. Even with one of the quickest and dirtiest openings in a Bond film, the question--can the blue-eyed, blond haired Craig be Bond--was yet to be answered.

Casino Royale is a return to the origins of Bond. Newly promoted to 00 agent status, James is on a mission to follow a trail of bombers and blood money to find the funding source for terrorists. After disappointing boss M (Judi Dench, Tomorrow Never Dies), Bond continues his search which leads him to the banker Le Chiffre (Mads Mikkelsen, King Arthur). Bond, accompanied by HM Treasury agent Vesper Lynd (Eva Green), must infiltrate a high stakes card tournament in the hopes of defeating Le Chiffre, and thus destroy his organization.

Like many Bond films before it, Casino Royale incorporates the latest cultural fads to update this decades-old character. Bond plays Texas Hold ’em, villains text message, the buzzword is terrorism, and James even has an extended chase of a bomb maker where the two utilize their aptitude for the French extreme sport of parkour. But like every Bond film, the basics are still prevalent: the tailored tuxedo, the loaded Astin Martin, the dry wit and the martini shaken, not stirred. Director Martin Campbell (Goldeneye) reignites the series. He captures a look and feel of Bond reminiscent of the Sean Connery era. Scenes in the Bahamas have a vibrant, crisp almost Technicolor feel to them. Bond’s wardrobe is trim, stylish yet classic. In fact, a scene of Craig swaggering to the hotel in a white linen shirt and pressed, bluegray slacks immediately conjures an image of Connery. And if that isn’t enough for you, seeing Craig take a “spin around the block” in a 1964 Astin Martin will definitely hearken back to the films of yore. Much like Connery and Brosnan, Craig is a no-nonsense Bond. He meets danger head-on with unparalleled smugness and can spit lines that make women buckle at the knees. But when the time for talk is over, Bond throws down be it in slugfests or elaborate action sequences. Craig portrays Bond as a man on a mission, one which often requires that, without hesitation, he get his hands dirty.

As for the story, most classic elements remain. Aside from some spectacular cellular technology, Royale is fairly devoid of the standard array of Q inspired gadgets and Q himself. Even Miss Moneypenny got a holiday. Royale doesn't even have hat-throwing assassins or massive overgrown thugs to hinder Bond. At least, the film does have a brief appearance by Felix Leiter (Jeffrey Wright, Syriana). Mikkelsen has a seediness to his visage that’ll make Le Chiffre an instantly memorable Bond villain. And Le Chiffre’s special lady friend Valenka, played by Ivana Milicevic (Love Actually) says little but has an equally up-to-no-good look in her eyes. Speaking of women, Bond has a turn with breath-taking ladies Eva Green and Caterina Murino.

Casino Royale sets the record as the longest Bond film ever made at nearly two and a half hours. It was only near the end that the length weighed on me. I am uncertain whether it was due to tidying a few unwieldy loose plot elements or if I just needed a bathroom break. Despite these few minutes of languid storytelling, I wasn’t about to excuse myself no matter how briefly, from this riveting film. The only fault I truly have with the film is that it had one of the weakest title sequences in years, though the title song by Chris Cornell was on point.

Dirty Undies
As mentioned, Milicevic, Green and Murino provide a wealth of Bond-woman hotness. Murino in particular makes you wish Casino Royale could have been the first R-rated Bond film! But Craig is no slouch himself. He gets several opportunities to prove that Bond has to look as good out of his clothes as he does in them. Whether he’s rising from the ocean or being tortured for his secrets, Craig’s rock hard pecs and abs will make you think twice, maybe even three times about messing with Bond. Craig uses those mus-kles to beat down the bad guys with a callous brutality. This Bond film definitely spills more than its share of blood.

The Money Shot
So with the film watched and all that said, is Craig Bond? I must admit to being a Craig skeptic from the moment he was chosen for the role. But having seen the film, I say with certainty he has the swagger, the demeanor and the charisma to be Bond. I personally still think his face looks like that of a battered monkey at times but only in certain lighting. Primate poutiness aside, I can’t wait to see where Craig and the new era of Bond take the world, and I hope you will be as excited as I am.

007 Memorable Henchmen Opposing 007

With Quantum of Solace just hours away I have returned with a list of my favorite henchmen (or should it be henchpersons?) that have opposed Bond over the years. Like yesterday's 007 Women post, I have a few caveats:

1) These seven thugs are in alphabetical order, not ranked.
2) The greatness of the Bond film is not a factor.
3) The character's gimmick is usually a major factor.
4) These are memorable, and not necessarily effective, henchmen.

Here are the Reel Whore's

007 Memorable Henchmen Opposing 007

Geoffrey Holder
Character: Baron Samedi
Movie: Live and Let Die (1973)

This was a close call between Samedi and Tee Hee, but the deep laugh and general insanity of Holder wins out. While Samedi goes out like a bitch, being dumped into a coffin of snakes, it's fun to see him get the last laugh.


Famke Janssen
Character: Xenia Zaragevna Onatopp
Movie: Goldeneye (1995)

A female assassin who kills men by strangling them with her thighs; how could Onatopp not make the Reel Whore list? Seductive and severely imbalanced, Janssen plays this Bond nemesis perfectly. If he had to die, what better way for Bond to go than between her thighs?


Grace Jones
Character: May Day
Movie: A View To a Kill (1985)

No one is quite as strange as Strangé. And who better than Grace Jones to play the lover of Christopher Walken's Zorin, May Day? Her hysterical laugh and flamboyance make her impossible to forget. Plus, she's one of the few women who seem more in control in the sack than Bond.


Richard Kiel
Character: Jaws
Movie: The Spy Who Loved Me (1977), Moonraker (1979)

Richard Kiel has the distinction of being the only henchman to confront Bond in two films. He's massive, menacing and he's got metal teeth! Jaws, a force to be reckoned his first go'round, sadly becomes comic relief in Moonraker.


Lotte Lenya
Character: Rosa Klebb
Movie: From Russia With Love (1963)

Cold and calculating, Lenya portrays Rosa Klebb as the scariest freaking agent of SPECTRE. From barking orders to making her minions squirm, Klebb is one woman you don't want to be locked in a room with. Especially since her weapon of choice is a poison-tipped shoe dagger!


Harold Sakata
Character: Oddjob
Movie: Goldfinger (1964)

A character of no words, Oddjob was the manservant of Goldfinger, doing everything from caddying to assassinations. Oddjob's most memorable scene is beheading a stone statue by throwing his Metal Rimmed Hat.


Hervé Villechaize
Character: Nick Nack
Movie: The Man With the Golden Gun (1974)

The most diminutive henchman Bond has ever faced, Villechaize got no respect. Manservant to Scaramanga, Nick Nack filled roles from chef to assassin. He ran the island and all its psychedelic traps. Too bad his final fight was so utterly humiliating.


Once again, when I feared my memory had grown too fuzzy, I used the James Bond Multimedia to get the facts straight.

Don't like my tastes? Let me know which henchmen you remember most!

007 Hottest Women of 007

With Quantum of Solace a few days away I wanted to list who I felt were the best and most beautiful Bond women from the near half-century of films. I want to make a few points clear going into the list:

1) These seven women are in alphabetical order, not ranked.
2) The greatness of the Bond film is not a factor.
3) The character's name is never a factor...well almost.
4) I omitted Bond villainesses, choosing to swoon only for the good girls.

Here are the Reel Whore's

007 Hottest Women of 007

Barbara Bach
Character: Major Anya Amasova a.k.a. Agent XXX
Movie: The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)

Bach plays the Soviet, female equal of James Bond. The best spy in the field, Agent XXX works with and against Bond to stop the villain, Stromberg. She is fierce and independent and looks amazing in every scene, especially during the flooding of Atlantis.



Halle Berry
Character: Giancinta "Jinx" Johnson
Movie: Die Another Day (2002)

Jinx, an NSA operative is also an equal to James Bond. She lives on the edge and isn't afraid to love 'em and leave 'em, even the sexually formidable 007. Her most memorable scene is without a doubt, the orange bikini-Ursula Andress tribute.



Honor Blackman
Character: Pussy Galore
Movie: Goldfinger (1964)

If ever a Bond woman's name added to their hotness, it has to be Pussy Galore. Despite the insane moniker, Blackman is a strong, defiant, enterprising woman (though the lesbian "conversion" scene is questionable). To this day, I agree with Mr. Bond's words upon first meeting her, "I must be dreaming."


Lois Chiles
Character: Dr. Holly Goodhead
Movie: Moonraker (1979)

With the most unfortunate name of any Bond woman, Chiles holds her head high in this so-so Bond film. As NASA astronaut and CIA Agent, the bright Dr. Goodhead teams with Bond to defeat the mastermind Drax and the brute force of his henchman Jaws; all while looking stunning in a yellow spacesuit.


Izabella Scorupco
Character: Natalya Fyordorovna Simonova
Movie: Goldeneye (1995)

A computer programmer in a Russian Space Control Centre, Natalya is as intelligent as she is sexy. Without her computer skills, Bond would not have been able to stop Trevelyan. Her most memorable work is watching her smugly trump her demeaning coworker, Boris.



Jane Seymour
Character: Solitaire
Movie: Live and Let Die (1973)

A fortune teller for New Orleans drug lord, Mr. Big, Solitaire isn't as strong as other Bond women. She blindly follows the Tarot, a weakness Bond exploits. Still, from Seymour's first scene to when she's flipped up into a train bed, there's never been a more stunning damsel in distress.


Akiko Wakabayashi
Character: Aki
Movie: You Only Live Twice (1967)

An agent of Tiger Tanaka, Bond's Osaka contact, Aki becomes invaluable to Bond in his pursuit of SPECTRE as well as his after-hours pursuits. Though Bond marries in the following film, her multitude of talents gives Aki the distinction of being Bond's first serious consideration of marriage.



I've seen these Bond films countless times over the years, but I found James Bond Multimedia to be an invaluable source for clearing up the grayer areas of my memory. Reviewing my choices I find it funny that two of my choices were Soviet/Russian characters. Considering that Daniela Bianchi (From Russia With Love) was barely edged out of my Top 007 and that I am extremely excited to see Olga Kurylenko this weekend, methinks I see a trend.

Don't like my tastes? Let me know who you're fave 007 Bond women are!

MMM: License to Ill

Sorry stargazers, no Beastie Boys here this week. I didn't want to do another play on the whole, Bond...James Bond thing like last week.

As you all I know, I am more than a little excited about the opening of Quantum of Solace this Friday. That's only four friggin' days away! I am even more excited thanks to the film's official song. Why? Three reasons:

I love Alicia Keys. She is amazing.
I love Jack White. He is amazing.
I love Bond movies. This song captures that essence, well, amazingly.

If you haven't heard Keys and White's collabo on Another Way To Die, crawl out from under that rock and give it a listen:

I can hardly wait to see this song's accompanying title sequence. This duet gave me such a sigh of relief. Rumor has it, Beyoncé Knowles was originally tapped to perform the new song, *shudder* She'd probably have wanted a part in the film, too. No thanks! We can do without another Madonna debacle.

Actually, If you're reading this Eon Productions and Ms. Broccoli, the next installment of Bond should feature a title song performed by the sexy, talented, international sensation Shakira. And if she wants a part, I'd have no complaints. Who's with me?

Huh, huh, you said "Poll" (11.04.08)

I sincerely hope you stargazers have gotten out and voted as ObaLincoln demanded. If you did, good for you. If not, you best get on that!

Speaking of voting, many many of you should be ashamed at not putting your two cents into my Ugly Betty Double Sexy Poll. Granted, many of you may not be fans of Ugly Betty, but it was the chance to search online for hottie images for a reason other than personal...satisfaction. Never the less the poll results were as follows:

Ladies-
Third Place:
Betty (America Ferrera), Alexis (Rebecca Romijn) - 0 Votes each
Runner-Ups:
Hilda (Ana Ortiz), Wilhelmina (Vanessa Williams) - 1 Vote each

And the winner is:

Amanda (Becki Newton) - 3 Votes

She is so excited she won (though she always knew she was the prettiest). I can forgive Ferrera getting no love, but where were my fellas on the Romijn!?

Fellas-

Runner-Ups:
Daniel (Eric Mabius), Henry (Christopher Gorham), Coach Tony (Eddie Cibrian) and Marc (Michael Urie) - 0 Votes each

And the winner is:

Gio (Freddy Rodriguez) - 3 Votes

He's doing backflips...on the inside.

***

With those two polls dying a cold and ugly death, I must ask my readers to vote on a new rejuvenated poll. In keeping with my mounting excitement over the upcoming Bond film Quantum of Solace, I want to know who is your favorite Bond? I'm not including Barry Nelson or David Niven. This is just the major players, from Connery to Craig. Which of these six do you prefer to have in your sights?


The poll will be up until the release of the new film. Vote quickly!

MMM: Music...Mood Music

Stargazers! With Halloween behind us, we can tun our focus to important things. No, not the election. That'll be over tomorrow (and it's about time). No, it's still a little early for Christmas shopping. The next big event is the upcoming release of the newest installment of the James Bond series, The Quantum of Solace. The name may sound lame, but the trailers look anything but.

Not everyone has an appreciation for the time-tested character of Bond, but no doubt the legacy of the films demand a degree of respect. One element that helps an installment resonate with the audience is the theme music. The original theme is instantly recognizable and an obvious choice for the Monday Mood Music.

However, I chose one of my favorite theme songs, Goldfinger. The blaring trumpets, the smooth bass and the astounding voice of Dame Shirley Bassey grabs you right from the start. Here's Dame Bassey giving a wonderful live performance at the Royal Albert Hall; and looking very fine doing it!

Non-Bond fans may not realize that Dame Shirley Bassey is the only singer to record more than one Bond theme. In addition to 1964's Goldfinger, she also recorded 1971's Diamonds are Forever and 1979's Moonraker.

Suck on that Madonna!