The Spank Bank: Jennifer Tilly

It has been a while since I have inducted someone into this prestigious category. It does not mean there is no one providing 'spankable' material, just that lack of time has prevented me from recognizing them.

This special lady was actually my inspiration for this column. It's a shame that even though she was probably one of the first celebrities to jump start my sex drive, she is only now receiving her place of honor. Like a fine wine, I wanted her induction to be aged to perfection for consumption by the masses. Today, this lovely lady turns fifty! That makes her nearly two decades my senior, but to me she is still fab-u-lous! I feen for her as much now as the first time I saw her. Without further ado, I present Spank Bank inductee:

Jennifer Tilly

The First Time My Eyes Met: Though it was better than fifteen years ago, all those curves squeezed into a red dress in Let it Ride are still clearly etched in my mind. I'm thinking my adolescent hormones picked this VHS off the shelf for her back cover image more so than any loyalty to Richard Dreyfuss.

She Had Me At ‘Hello’: Let it Ride may have fired my teen hormones but it was her recurring role on the little remembered and short-lived show Key West that solidified my Tilly crush. Every week of its thirteen episode run, I tuned in and waited anxiously for Ms. Tilly to appear. Don't get me wrong; Fisher Stevens and T.C. Carson are cool, but Tilly kept me, and evidently, only me, coming back for more.

Sexiest Movie Moment: No contest! The seductive Violet, wife of mobster and lover to the 90's favorite lesbian Gina Gershon in the Wachowski siblings' film Bound.


Let’s Never Speak Of This Again: Jennifer's had, let us say, a varied career. My choice here is actually for a film I never saw. I did see the commercials a lot, though. Her role as Madame Leota in Eddie Murphy's Haunted Mansion. She was hired to play a talking head in a crystal ball. YOU DON'T HIRE JENNIFER TILLY TO PLAY A HEAD! Dayum, at least her doll-sized replica, Tiffany, in Bride and Seed of Chucky was hot.

It Brings A Smile To My Face: Just thinking back to her cutthroat character Samantha Cole in Liar Liar. It's amazing how she's tapped to play the gamut of ditsy dames to tough-as-nails chicas. Plus, I liked her platinum-hued butch 'do.

My Biggest Regret: I only recently discovered my appreciation for Woody Allen. Maybe if I had followed Jennifer's career more closely in high school I would have seen Bullets Over Broadway by now. What's even more shameful is it's her one Oscar-nominated performance. I got to get on that...

Her Winning Feature: Anyone who knows Jennifer Tilly knows exactly what she's known for:

A-hem! While she is both curvaceous and boobalicious, I love her voice the best. Thanks to her breathy seductive tone, Jennifer can turn reading a grocery list into the most erotic monologue.

If I Could Walk In Her Shoes: There is her role in Embrace of the Vampire, which could include some erotic face time with Alyssa Milano, but I got to go with Bound once again. I think I'd be perfectly satisfied to be used and abused at the whim of Jennifer like Gina was.

Most Anticipated Upcoming Project: Lately, she splits her time between poker tournaments and films, leaving her upcoming project list rather slim. My choice, however, would be to see her in Renaissance Girl. Medieval costumes and Tilly seem like a perfect pair, um, pairing.

My Dream Of Working With The Enticing Ms. Tilly: She's proven herself in both television and film, playing it straight or gay, vapid or calculating, funny or horrific. Choosing the perfect project is no simple task. I'd love to approach Jennifer with the idea of crafting a mockumentary chronicling her rise to celebrity, her eclectic body of work and her recent success as a champion poker player. Before I knew it, my pitch would lead to a friendly game of cards. Between her seductive stares and mad skills, I'd quickly find myself penniless, shirtless and at the mercy of this fine female. If those are the cards life dealt me, I'd call and raise.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNIFER TILLY!