Gather 'round stargazers and let us stare at the horrors unfolding in September. According to IMDB, we can expect thirteen major releases this month with another eight in limited release. While some of those limited films pique my interest, I have committed to giving lip service, nay, full service, to the thirteen. How truly unlucky I am.
It's as if everyone's attention will be fixed on the premieres of quality fall television programing, leaving us avid film sluts at the mercy of the smelly, snaggle-toothed riff-raff that answered the open call. Let's just get this over with.
Exercise the Right To Cinematic Celibacy.
Bangkok Dangerous (09.05) I don't know what's more ridiculous, Cage portraying a callous assassin with a sudden attack of conscience or seeing him do it with that hair! The hair isn't even the worst of it, check this:
Yeah. I have no desire to see 'Tex' ad lib his own Sukiyaki Western Django nor do I care to see this hella-lame version of last fall's Hitman. If this whets your appetite for more Cage-centric banter, head on over to Blog Cabins for CAGEFEST all next week!
The Women (09.12) This is the story of four gal pals living the ups and downs of life in the Big Apple. It's also the tale of a struggling actress pleading for remembrance (Meg Ryan), a writer who hasn't browned her Murphy in over a decade (Diane English), and an excuse to have a black lesbian named Alex (Jada Pinkett Smith). In reality, it's the tale of Hollywood's blatant grift of women's money after the estrogen-induced fervor of Sex & the City but before new episodes of Grey's Anatomy.
Igor (09.19) John Cusack lends his voice to the lead hump in this flick out to prove that Disney's hunchback flop was a fluke. I wish I knew who decided there needed to be an animated kids' film every month of the year? They should be strapped down and forced to watch every slapped- together piece of animated sludge until they can imbibe the jellied remains of their own eyes through a straw.
My Best Friend's Girl (09.19) Kate Hudson's range as an actress is about as narrow as her behind. Even though I do enjoy me some Dane Cook, seeing this trailer makes me feel as if I've discovered someone has shit on the coats. I've got nothing against Biggs; he's gotta get work when he can even if it's for playing 'Guess who's in my mouth?"
Eagle Eye (09.26) Eagle Eye has to be an experiment by Spielberg to prove LaBeouf can carry a film. That's why we don't know anything about the characters, the plot or why Julianne Moore is channeling the Jigsaw killer. While Rosario and I are like this, son!, I can't help but feel this stink-ola film of Shia's will inch him ever closer to Face Punch territory.
Nights in Rodanthe (09.26) Ever hear the expression there's nowhere to go but up? Diane Lane has, too, though an adaption of a Nicholas Sparks novel may not cut it. On the plus side, she's got James Franco, Richard Gere and the beautiful Outer Banks of North Carolina (represent!) all supporting her attempt to climb out of her Jumper/Untraceable funk. If it doesn't work, she can always be trampled the wild horses of Corolla.
It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.
The Family That Preys (09.12) I mentioned back in March that I have shunned Tyler Perry films, instead choosing to watch, well, good films. Being a Southerner, the prospect of Cole Hauser playing modern day masta to the cast is not an appealing one. The prospect of watching Sanaa Lathan, however, is a very appealing one and I can't help but feel Alfre Woodard's five fingers are gonna say SLAP! to the side of someone's face by the film's end.
Righteous Kill (09.19) I should be just a "lil bit" "whoo-ah" over this film given that DeNiro and Pacino play the leads; tough NYC cops. They even pad the odds with stellar supporting actors Brian Dennehy, John Leguizamo, the yummy Carla Gugino and Donnie Wahlberg...um yeah, those first three are great. Still, the story feels stale and I'd wager a guess as to who's the vigilante, but I won't waste my money (on that bet or this movie).
Lakeview Terrace (09.19) I'm Samuel L. Jackson! I'm the star of this here mutha-fuckin' movie! In it, I'm the PO-LICE! You have to do what I say! You will go see this mutha-fuckin' movie! If you don't you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my five-iron upon thee!
Why am I yellin'? Oh yeah, this is the way I talk!Moist With Antici...Pation!
Burn After Reading (09.12) Did someone say Coen?! That's all I needed to hear to be first in line. The brothers are back to penning their own material and gathering a cast, some familiar, all fantastic, to deliver the quirky lines and frolic in scenes reminiscent of Fargo, Raising Arizona and The Big Lebowski.
The Lucky Ones (09.26) I know you're wondering how a film about three Iraq vets, two on leave and one retired, heading to Vegas warrants my must-see list. It's not cuz McAdams is a cutie (although she is). Rather, it's because she, Tim Robbins and Michael Peña make interesting and enjoyable movies. It looks funny, warm-hearted and slightly sappy, but Illusionist director Neil Burger may be able to pull off that combination.
Miracle at St. Anna (09.26) I'm not sure if this is Spike Lee's rebuttal to Eastwood's WWII companion epics or his rebuttal to Stiller's under-representation of black actors in Tropic Thunder. Regardless, this looks intense and I am curious to look at war through the eyes of Mookie.
***Okay, let's agree to never do that again. I'm going to need some extra-strength Listerine to wash this month's taste out of my mouth. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go cry in the shower.
Love your impressions. I DON'T REMEMBER ASKIN' YOU A GOT-DAMN lil bit THING! Wooohah!
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I had to vote for BH Chihuahua over Bangkok...can you believe it?
Eagle eye is one part Enemy of the State and one part The Game.
ReplyDeleteI am probably going to see it for the supporting cast, that and I loved the female lead in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.
@Fletch: Yeah, the Chihuahua is really screwing the competition. Cage can't even win a losers contest lately.
ReplyDeleteHas there ever been a Samuel L. Jackson-Robert DeNiro-Al Pacino film? That may be too much over-acting for one reel to contain.
@Movie Whore: Dangit, I liked Enemy of the State & The Game - I'll prob go see EE at some point.
I haven't seen Monaghan in much. I keep hearing good things about Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Maybe I'll rent it when Eagle Eye releases.
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a movie/reel whore flick all the way. Downey and Kilmer have a great chemistry and the dialog between the 2 is borderline brilliant witty repartee.
ReplyDeleteI own it so I feel confident recommending it.
KK,BB has been residing in the top 20-30 of my Q for quite sometime. You've given me reason to throw it back to the top.
ReplyDeleteI want to see Kilmer in something good and the voice of KITT is not helping.
Hilarious round-up!
ReplyDeleteBtw, KKBB in my book is a B-/C+, which these days almost rates as an A+ (check out the weekend BO).
ReplyDeleteThis month's offerings made for easy targets.
ReplyDeleteI'm still excited over KKBB - I've always enjoyed Downey Jr and Val Kilmer is still excellent even if his choices aren't.
You're right tho, Sept BO offerings have been painful.