Trailer Trash: The March Gang Bang

It's time to get yourselves lubed up and get in line. I have taken in as many March trailers as I could handle. This month was far more enjoyable than February's onslaught, but I'm tingling with excitement because we are that much closer to May.

As before, my commentary on limited release films is sparse since we don't get that many in my neck of the woods. If one of the films I abstained from interests you, let me know and I'll let them join in. Now, let's see which movies are ready to ride.

Moist with Antici...pation!
The Bank Job (03/07) It’s been a minute since we’ve had an intriguing heist film and this based-on-true-events tale whets the appetite. I’m not expecting Statham to repeat a Snatch or Lock, Stock… type affair, but I think it’ll deliver on the violence, comedy and plot twists.

Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day (03/07 ltd.) Dowdy McDormand is at it again! For a change Amy Adams gets to play a sultry minx instead of her usual goody two shoes. Let’s give it up to two great actresses in what is sure to be a hoot and a holler! (I can’t believe I just said that.)


Married Life (03/07 ltd.) Everything about this movie looks awesome, except for Rachel McAdams’s platinum blonde dye job. But hey, at least she’s back onscreen and she’s sharing it with some big guns. This sordid tale of forbidden love and necessary murder should help bring the passion back into marriage.

Doomsday (03/14) Neil Marshall created one of my newly favorite horror films, Descent. Now he’s gone and created a revamped and super-amped Road Warrior-style film for us to devour. The little-sexy-engine-that-never-quite-could, a.k.a. Rhona Mitra, gets to be in the driver’s seat. I may need to stay seated a little while longer...

Drillbit Taylor (03/21) This one has been a long time coming. We won’t speak of why it was shelved. We’ll only revel in Owen Wilson’s return, his pairing with the hot and funny Leslie Mann, and enjoy how he plays off these crazy goofy kids.

21 (03/28) This movie looks too cool for school and it may just be too cool for my hard earned cash, but with Kate Bosworth looking so cute that I didn’t recognize her usually anemic frame, I am intrigued. Plus, I always enjoy Spacey’s dickish characters and this one promises not to disappoint.

It's Friday, I don't want to be alone.
Snow Angels (03/07 ltd.) David Gordon Green, NC School of the Arts alum, brings us his latest tale. North Carolina Represent! Looks like yummy Kate Beckinsale and smooth Sam Rockwell are acting all growed up for a change. My only hesitation is that Green’s lingering camera work makes my ass feel like I’ve been sitting in the theater for days.

Horton Hears a Who! (03/14) Could it be possible that after several less-than-stellar live-action Dr. Seuss films, someone got the novel idea of making an animated Who film?! Sometimes it takes a roomful of geniuses, or a story with a big honkin’ elephant. The teaser got me stoked, but the official trailer drained the excitement from my being. Let’s hope for the best, all together now…Fah who for-aze! Dah who dor-aze!

Funny Games U.S. (03/14) A whole line of family torture movies is heading down the pipeline and this one has risen to the top. This is being remade by its creator Michael Haneke and while that is promising, I am much more excited to see Liv Tyler’s The Strangers this May (I hope).

Stop Loss (03/28) This flick is from the mind of Boy’s Don’t Cry creator Kimberly Peirce, and that’s the only thing keeping this on my radar. Ryan Phillippe and Abbie Cornish do good work and Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a personal fave, but movies tinged with Iraq just don’t sit well anymore. I’m curious though; if they were looking for bad Southern accents, where was James Van Der Beek during casting call?

Flawless (03/28) I said I was looking for a good heist film and I still think The Bank Job is our best bet. I can totally see what draws Ashton to Demi, but I can’t figure how her accent drew her into this role. If this has a prayer of success it will come from Caine’s captivating charm.

Exercise the right to Cinematic Celibacy.
College Road Trip (03/07) I gotta give props to Raven-Symone for managing to stay clean, given Disney’s track record for child stars (read: Lindsay, Britney). I’d normally support this endeavor but she had to go and make Martin Lawrence her pops.

10,000 B.C. (03/07) I won’t let nifty-looking mastodons and saber-toothed tigers sway my position on this. The Neanderthals look too damn pretty (though Camilla Belle in animal skin piques my interest); it’s like Project Runway: The Prehistoric Edition. Need I remind you the last Emmerich movie with CG prehistoric monsters was Godzilla?! Do we really want to go there again?

Meet the Browns (03/21) I am all for supporting uplifting black cinema instead of the latest Martin Lawrence-Queen Latifah-Ice Cube shuck and jive, but damn, enough is enough. Much to my chagrin, I have seen every Tyler “Tired Plot” Perry production to date and it’s time I just say no. Angela Bassett is a great actress, but I can’t suffer through another onslaught of clichés and stereotypes. Perry needs to don his Madea façade and figure a way to whup his own ass for his foolishness.

Run, Fatboy, Run (03/28) Simon Pegg – yeah! Hank Azaria – hells yeah! Thandie Newton – mmm, at least she’s cute. Despite those three, this trailer leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t think this movie knows what it is, but I know whose money it’s not going to get. The title reads more as a warning to me; run, Fatboy, run away from this!

Superhero Movie (03/28) There was a time when The Naked Gun meant something. Now they’re just dragging Leslie Nielsen down with them. Granted, the official trailer looks far better than the TV spots but that’s not saying much. When will the madness end?!

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The five limited release films left by the wayside this month are:

CJ7 (03/07 ltd.); Paranoid Park (03/07 ltd.); Sleepwalking (03/14 ltd.); La misma luna (Under the Same Moon) (03/21 ltd.); and The Hammer (03/28 ltd.)

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One final note: given there are two films offering sexy, savage women, I'd like to leave you with one more reason why 10,000 B.C. doesn't hold a candle to Doomsday as my March must-see event:


I mean, after you've endured the gang bang , you kinda got a yearning for tattoos and fire-play.