MILF Rendezvous: Blade

Today Wesley Snipes celebrates his fiftieth birthday… from prison. Today also marks the end of the vault’s month-long fixation with the superhero genre. As the old saying goes, let’s kill two vampires with one stake, or something like that.

Blade

Deacon Frost (Stephen Dorff) believes humans are little more than cattle and vampires like himself are the top of the fucking food chain, or so he tells his nemesis Blade (Wesley Snipes). Neither fully human nor fully vampire, Blade, known to vampires as the Daywalker, has all of their strengths while suffering few of their weaknesses. With the help of the grizzled Whistler (Kris Kristofferson), he strikes silver-tipped fear into the undead hearts of these suckheads. Frost intends to end Blade’s crusade of annihilation by awakening the prophesied Blood God, La Magra.

Rendezvous...

MILF Rendezvous: Mystery Men

In the newly released The Watch, Ben Stiller assembles a team to patrol the streets and make their neighborhood safe. With the movie’s interweb buzz being none too positive, I can’t help but wonder if Stiller should have taken some queues from his 90s playbook. His rage-filled Mr. Furious would have accepted nothing less than a moderately entertaining affair from his colleagues.

Mystery Men

Thanks to the courageous and effective efforts of Captain Amazing (Greg Kinnear), Champion City is practically crime free. Good news for the citizens, but not so good for the fledgling superhero trio of Mr. Furious (Ben Stiller), Shoveler (William H. Macy), and the Blue Raja (Hank Azaria). It’s also bad for the Captain who decides to increase his public image and lucrative endorsements by using alter ego, lawyer Lance Hunt, to convince the parole board to release the deranged supervillain, Casanova Frankenstein (Geoffrey Rush). When the Captain’s plan backfires, only Mr. Furious knows he’s a prisoner of Frankenstein, and it’s up to him and his friends to save Captain Amazing and Champion City from the madman’s clutches.

Rendezvous...

MMM: Twofer, not to be confused with Keith Powell

First off, kudos to those of you who get the title reference. If you don't, get with the times, although I could say the same of myself considering I was a slacker and didn't post a Monday Mood Music last week. Today I remedy this by posting not one, but two awesome tunes I heard in succession last week on my local station.

One is off the new album from the well-known Jack White, but the first is from Apollo Cobra, a band that's new to me, but will soon be joining my extensive mp3 collection. I hope they'll make it into yours too. Enjoy!

Apollo Cobra - Shut Up

Jack White - I'm Shakin'

Trailer Trash: July 27 of 2012

July began with a bang with the opening of The Amazing Spider-Man and last week's The Dark Knight Rises raised the entertainment bar for 2012 movies. Today, July ends with a whimper with two releases that have set the bar so low, you'll have to dig to find it.

The Watch I don't know about any of you, but I'm still waiting to see even one funny trailer for The Watch. Vaughn looks to be giving it the ol' college try, but that's all the positive I can say. Akiva Schaffer's sophomore effort is a far cry from Hot Rod. Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg continue to confirm their comedic writing talents started and ended with Superbad. I'll catch this on DVD because I am a glutton for all comedy, but you won't find me at a screening even if just to beat the heat.  
  

Verdict:  Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy. 

Step Up: Revolution Thanks to Kai at Man, I Love Films, I can now say I have experienced the "wonders" of the Step Up franchise, but this is too far. What are we trying to teach the up-and-coming generations? Fight corporate greed and corruption with organized dance? Yeah, because if you bust' a fly enough move, they will see the error of their ways, open their hearts, and do the right thing.




Verdict:  Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy. 

Ugh, I can't talk about this crappy set of new releases any more. For your sake, I hope you spend your time and money on The Dark Knight Rises, even if you've already seen it.

MILF Rendezvous: X-Men

Released just over twelve years ago, X-Men, while not the first foray into film by Marvel, can be considered the flagship of its rise to power in today’s superhero market. I couldn’t let the month of superhero films pass without including X-Men, and what better day to induct it into the vault than on the day Anna Paquin, a.k.a. Rogue, turns thirty.

X-Men

Marie (Anna Paquin) from Mississippi, learns she’s a mutant when she nearly kills her beau with a kiss. Frightened of her abilities, and by the fear-mongering of Senator Kelly (Bruce Davison) and his Mutant Registration Act, she runs away to the far reaches of Canada where she, now going by Rogue, meets the furry and surly mutant, Wolverine (Hugh Jackman). The two begin to bond just as they’re attacked by Sabretooth (Tyler Mane) from the Brotherhood of Mutants. Sent by their leader, Magneto (Ian McKellan), Sabretooth is stopped by Storm (Halle Berry) and Cyclops (James Marsden) and the two bring Rogue and Wolverine to the Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters to meet Professor Charles Xavier (Patrick Stewart). Once friends, Xavier knows Magneto believes the Senator’s Act as a declaration of war between humans and mutants. For the sake of all beings, Xavier must discover why a Southern lass and an adamantium-laced ass are so important to Magneto’s plans.

Rendezvous...

MILF Rendezvous: The Specials

Assuming folks were growing Bat-damn-tired of the Bat-themed reviews, the vault turns to Ol’ Reliable , the birthday calendar, looking for a celebrity born today who also has a superhero credit to their name. And the gates opened wide to reveal one of my favorite actresses, Judy Greer. Ms. Greer is 37 today and it was back in 2000 when she stepped into the superhero foray as Deadly Girl.

The Specials

Ted Tilderbrook (Thomas Haden Church), known to the world as The Strobe and often referred to as “The Great Strobe” by himself, can shoot laser beams from his arms and is the founder and leader of the superhero group, The Specials. The Specials are the world’s sixth or seventh most popular group of superheroes who usually see action only when the more popular, well-funded superhero teams are all busy or they deem the threat beneath their status. Times are a-changing for The Specials because Kosgrov Toys is releasing a line of action figures in their honor, which in the superhero world is the equivalent of an Oscar. With the excitement of the line and the induction of their newest member, Shelly a.k.a. Nightbird (Jordan Ladd), the only thing standing in their way is themselves.

Rendezvous...

Trailer Trash: July 20 of 2012

Not that you need to be reminded of what opens today, nor do you need a post citing my feelings toward said opener, but...

The Dark Knight Rises 

Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!   

I hope you've got your ticket!