Natalie, You are a Badass Bitch...

Hotel Chevalier
Film Short playing with
"The Darjeeling Limited"
Rated: R
13 minutes

Second Run Seats ($$)

It’s no shock to people who know me that I occasionally do things back asswards. Well viewing “Hotel Chevalier” is no exception. The sneak peek of “The Darjeeling Limited” didn’t include or ran without the short film, and while I thought I would have watched it long before now, iTunes and my Vista-handicapped PC had other notions.

After much finagling, I finally saw the much talked about “Hotel Chevalier” and Ms. Portman’s nude scene, and I must say, nyeh (the short, not the nudity). I don’t feel the short really added anything to the story of the “The Darjeeling Limited.” If anything, it sets you up for more confusion than necessary. As for seeing Natalie in the buff, it was nice but definitely over-hyped. I think I am still more aroused from seeing her don a sequined lavender thong that barely covers her jungle book and then execute a spread eagle split on the back of a plush purple couch.

In the end I must give mad props to Ms. Portman not for her work in this Wes Anderson short, but in an earlier short. If you haven’t seen it in a while, let the proof, as they say, be in the pudding.

Pottymouth Portman

Ms. Portman, I will always pay for your dry cleaning.

All Aboard the Anderson Express!

The Darjeeling Limited

Release: 10/26/2007
Rated R
1 hour, 31 minutes

FULL PRICE ($$$$)

It’s been three years and we all know what that means. Well, some of us know that the diligent directing and writing of Wes Anderson (The Royal Tenenbaums) has evolved into his latest eccentric-family tale.

Adrien Brody (Hollywoodland), Jason Schwartzman (Rushmore), and Owen Wilson (The Royal Tenenbaums) portray Peter, Jack and Francis Whitman, estranged brothers traveling aboard the Darjeeling Limited. The brothers have reunited after a year at the behest of Francis to undertake a spiritual journey to rejuvenate their familial bond. As the train ambles through the Indian countryside, Francis’s bossiness and laminated itineraries conflict with the others’ secretiveness jeopardizing the reunion and the special surprise Francis has in store.

It’s nice to have an Anderson film in theaters again. While I have never been a doting fan of his entire body of work *cough* “Rushmore” *cough* “Life Aquatic” *cough*, I can at least say that even his worst outshines many other buddy-travel films (I’m looking at you, “Wild Hogs”). In “Darjeeling” Anderson returns with the familiar theme of a strange and estranged family trying to make it work. Only this time the reunion occurs not in a big city or on an oceanic expedition but is set against colorful Indian villages. A great soundtrack of songs from Indian films accompanies the scenic journey. Anderson is in superb form both with cinematography and dialogue.

His outlandish characters are callous and selfish but immensely compassionate. If that sounds contradictory, well, that’s how Anderson rolls. Wilson at his best is as commonplace as credits in an Anderson film, and “Darjeeling” is no exception. Brody gives an excellent performance in his virgin voyage aboard Anderson’s adventure. Co-writer Schwartzman also proves deft at wielding the quirky material. Other mainstays Anjelica Huston, Kumar Pallana, and Bill Murray also appear in small roles.

Dirty Undies
Rita, a.k.a. Sweet Lime, portrayed by Amara Karan, radiates an alluring vibe with her full lips, horn-rimmed glasses, and cigarette. Her partially exposed booty is a plus. She is a stark contrast to the combined fugliness of the Brothers Whitman. Wilson’s bruised and scarred visage, a bloodied Brody, and the lusty Schwartzman help earn an R rating, although the repeated F-bomb explosions have the most impact.

The Money Shot
For fans of Anderson, there is a comfort in the familiarity of ‘The Darjeeling Limited,” a comfort that should extend to wider audiences. Some complain that Anderson should step out of his zone to deliver something new, but M. Night Shyamalan received the same criticism, and look where he isn’t right now. By and large, “The Darjeeling Limited” has undeniable appeal unless you’re just an Anderson hater. In that case, save your money for that “Wild Hogs/Dan in Real Life” value-pack, you know you want to.

Why Does Real Life feel like the Bestest Friends Episode Ever?!

Dan in Real Life

Release: 10/26/2007
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 35 minutes

Matinee ($$$)

Steve Carell (Little Miss Sunshine) is Dan Burns. Dan is an advice columnist. He’s also a widow of four years who’s raising three headstrong daughters. After collecting his three very lovely girls, they join the Burns bunch for a family gathering where Dan is quickly ejected. At the bookstore, Dan meets Marie, portrayed by Juliette Binoche (Chocolat), who lights a spark extinguished since his wife’s death. Dan returns to the roost to find Marie is the special lady friend of his brother, Mitch, played by Dane Cook (London). Naturally, hijinks and heartache ensue.

It’s hard to believe writer/director Peter Hedges was also responsible for the far superior “Pieces of April.” "Dan in Real Life" is an over-simplified romantic comedy with the misfortune of being needlessly complicated in its surrounding details. To give an example, why does Dan’s extended family consist of two parents, six siblings, and an incalculable mass of nephews and nieces (including an adorable Asian adoptee) when all of his own children barely have speaking lines? Hedges is obsessed with barraging the audience with a hot mess of accoutrements as if to detract from the complete lack of palpable story. He also seems to be obsessed with torturing folks with a twangy, tinny soundtrack by Sondre Lerche.

The saving grace of “Dan in Real Life” is Steve Carell. His sincere, stellar performance drives the story, when it is not being overpowered by cheesy antics or boisterous costars. Dane Cook is reined back from being completely wild and outrageous but manages a few fun-loving moments. Not a great role for fans of the true Cook. Up-and-comer Brittany Robertson gives an outstanding showing as the enamored middle sister, Cara. The rest of the cast shows up, hits their mark, and makes an occasionally humorous wisecrack, but really, I’m wasting space even mentioning them.

Dirty Undies
The only physicality worth mentioning about “Dan” was my inner urge to rip out the chatty whispers, needless cooing and unbearable canned laughter coming from the throats of the audience at this screening. Oh yeah, and Dan gets tussled by his wacky family. On a good note Emily Blunt (Devil Wears Prada) and Juliette Binoche were kinda hot; Binoche thanks to the age-reversing cheesecloth effect, low tops, and spandex while Blunt is simply smokin'.

The Money Shot
There was no way I was going to miss a film starring both Carell and Cook. Having said that, I could have easily waited for this film to go to the cheap theater. Sitting through “Dan in Real Life” was like being bludgeoned with a bottle of maple syrup. The repeated blunt thudding to my forehead was painful but at least there’s a trickle of sugary sweetness escaping every so often.

Repeat Bidness: Mr. Brooks

Release: 06/01/2007
DVD Release: 10/23/2007
Rated R
2 hours

FULL PRICE ($$$$)


"Costner and Great Movie in the same sentence; been a while since I heard that."

Kevin Costner (Waterworld) stars as Mr. Earl Brooks. Mr. Brooks is an award winning humanitarian, a very successful box manufacturer, and a deeply disturbed serial killer. For years Earl has fought his inclination for murder, but as the whispers from the rather large devil on his shoulder, Marshall, played by William Hurt (*A History of Violence) get louder, Mr. Brooks comes out of retirement to kill again. Unfortunately for Earl, he slips up and a man known only as Mr. Smith, portrayed by Dane Cook (London), witnesses his crime and uses it to angle for position in Earl’s life. All the while Detective Tracy Atwood, played by Demi Moore (Disclosure), is quick to pick up Earl’s trail again if she can keep her messy divorce and other escaped cons from landing her on desk duty.

Costner plays Mr. Brooks as an affectionate, caring father and husband equally as well as he plays Brooks as an unnervingly creepy and calculating man possessed with the urge to kill. Hurt and Costner’s banter are treated as asides during scenes, which work really well for maintaining flow throughout the film. As these asides develop during the story, they evolve to create a tense and sinister mood around Mr. Brooks. Cook plays the bungling blackmailer just as successfully. Audiences can almost hear the gears turning in Smith’s head as he tries to outfox the cunning Mr. Brooks. Moore is over the top as the overachieving detective who is hell-bent on seeing every villain, be he an amoral murderous monster or a weaselly adulterous ex-husband, served the justice they deserve at her hands. The best part about these characters is that everyone remains true to their established form. It is with the unpredictable Mr. Brooks that audiences will find their interest unwavering.

Dirty Undies
Everyone probably remembers how in “Se7en” the cops arrived on the scene to see all the despicable things the killer had done to his victims and audiences could only imagine how he did it. Well Mr. Brooks doesn’t have any creatively thematic way of mangling his victims, but audiences get to share the experience of each of his kills. The bullet’s impact, the splattering blood, the raw brutality inflicted by Mr. Brooks are depicted onscreen, which may or may not float your boat. Of course any film willing to show that much violent detail doesn’t stop there; gratuitous nudity and foul language also litter the dark recesses of the story though they pale in comparison to the events that transpire.

The Money Shot
“Mr. Brooks” is the type of film you don’t want to hear a lot about beforehand. You really just need to know that the performances are solid, the story is intense and interesting, and if you can stomach a bit of violence you will not be dissatisfied. The best thing about a film like this is that it will make you think twice about that quiet coworker or creepy neighbor. Doesn’t everyone like a little apprehension in their lives?

A Bloody Good Show

30 Days of Night

Release: 10/19/2007
Rated R
1 hour, 50 minutes

Matinee ($$$)

As the sun sets on Barrow, Alaska two-thirds of the population scurries from town to avoid the oncoming 30 days of night while Sherriff Eben Olesen, portrayed by Josh Hartnett (Lucky Number Slevin), becomes increasingly perplexed by the strange series of events he is investigating. When he arrives to the local diner to pick up a belligerent stranger, played Ben Foster (3:10 to Yuma), he comes face to face with his estranged wife Stella, played by Melissa George. The stranger turns out to be a harbinger of doom for the small town as the remaining populace is descended upon by vampires. Over the course of the next month, the survivors huddle in attics and crawlspaces to survive until they can find salvation in the rising sun.

Before the mayhem ensues, the film provides a nice tour of the buffet, i.e., introduction of the supporting characters who may or may not survive. Director David Slade (Hard Candy) balances the citizens’ mundane lives with a few scenes that are both cruel and creepy. The townsfolk are portrayed as frightened, dull, and insipid. Aside from a few moments of bravado, they are just struggling to survive and the actors all wear that expression of overwhelming dread and near defeat convincingly. This film offers a much more refreshing take than the typical group of heroic survivors ready to kick ass and take names. Likewise, the vampires are shrouded in mystery; their origins, motivation, and the extent of their abilities unknown. There is none of the usual pretentious discourse from survivors about how to kill them and no subsequent run to the vampire supply over on Main and East Street. It is a simple story of survival using solely what you know. For some audiences this may come off a bit dull, but I personally thought it worked…mostly.

Dirty Undies
Though I found Slade’s direction to be somewhat bland and full of continuity issues, he gets mad kudos for making “30 Days” a gory extravaganza. Slade starts with off-camera deaths and congealing pools of blood and slowly intensifies the bloodshed and viciousness. By the end, the crunching of bone, severed body parts, and incalculable gallons of blood are visually unavoidable and gratifying. The snowy scenery only heightens the blood-soaked backbone of this story.

The Money Shot
Writer Steve Niles told me he always wanted this story to be a film, but it took publishing it in comic form before film studios realized its potential as a feature. Ironic then that somehow the studio still managed to subdue this story’s full potential. You may not leave thinking “30 Days” is the best vampire film you’ve ever seen but you’ll have to admit it is definitely the best attempt we’ve had at one in the last few years.

Answer: Not to Be Dragged to Films Like This

Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married?

Release: 10/12/2007
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 53 minutes
Second Run Seats ($$)

Janet Jackson (Nutty Professor II) and Malik Yoba (*Soul Food) portray Patty and Gavin, a psychologist and architect whose marriage is strained from the loss of their child. Every year the couple meets with their college buddies (all also married) for a week-long retreat. At the retreat, each couple will open up to evaluate their marriage and smooth any rocky issues in the company of friends. As the four couples gather at the mountaintop lodge in a snowy Colorado town, they find that friends do not always help matters.

This film marks Tyler Perry’s third play-to-film adaptation. The third time, however, is not a charm. This adaptation, the first lacking his Madea character, is sorely in need of her matriarchal wisdom and witticism. The saga of each couple’s life, while identifiable and relatable, is unenergizing. Like Perry’s previous endeavors, the characters are stereotypical but he adds a couple of insulting and clichéd background roles that stick out like a sore thumb. The acting with a few exceptions is barely tolerable. Malik Yoba, i.e. the actor with the greatest talent, gets the least lines and simply serves as a set decoration. Singer Jill Scott gets the juiciest role of Sheila, the meek, heavyset wife of the degrading and domineering ass Mike, played by Richard T. Jones (Guess Who). Scott manages to wring every bit of emotion out of this one-note character, making her performance slightly impressive but mostly melodramatic. The characters of Angie and Marcus, played by Tasha Smith (Whole Ten Yards) and Michael Jai White, (Ringmaster) are obnoxious, rude, and conniving and, hands down, the most entertaining and emotionally realistic couple of the group.

Dirty Undies
I didn’t mention Ms. Jackson’s acting because it just was. What she needs to be more concerned about is why she looks so haggard and severe in this film. Granted, Patty was supposed to be suffering internal anguish, but damn if she didn’t look tore up even when she was happy. It was such a disappointing departure from the sexy and freaky Janet. Luckily the rest of the cast is scrumptious. In particular, Michael Jai White is just muscles on top of bulging muscles. Pretty faces always help deter attention from uninteresting dialogue.

The Money Shot
The blame for the mottled results of “Why Did I Get Married” lies fully on Perry’s shoulders. It’s his story that didn’t translate well to the screen. It’s his clumsy and clunky direction that makes this a cumbersome movie experience. While its Perry’s staple melodrama, the truly exaggerated thing about “Why Did I Get Married?” is any lavish praise it has received.

A Pimp Named Elizabeth

Elizabeth: The Golden Age

Release: October 12, 2007
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 54 minutes

Second Run Seats ($$)

Just shy of a decade ago, I remember sitting at home being captivated by the talent of then unknown actress Cate Blanchett in a little film called “Elizabeth.” Two dozen films later (most of which I’ve seen), Blanchett revisits the role that helped put her in the public eye. In this sequel, director Shekhar Kapur returns to continue the story of Elizabeth I during the time when Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots, plotted to overthrow her. Mary is under guard in a Scottish prison, awaiting the perfect moment to knock her cousin from the throne she believes is rightfully hers. Meanwhile, King Philip II of Spain threatens to siege a Holy War against England and their bastard queen. Even within her own court, Elizabeth’s title of the Virgin Queen is becoming a slippery subject, especially once Sir Walter Raleigh becomes a regular adornment of the queen. The lady had a lot to contend with.

Director Kapur enlisted Geoffrey Rush to once again portray the Queen’s advisor, Sir Francis Walsingham. Blanchett and Rush are joined by Jordi Mollà (Blow), Samantha Morton (Sweet and Lowdown) and Clive Owen (Gosford Park), who portray Philip, Mary Stuart and Raleigh, respectively. Supporting actors like Abbie Cornish and Rhys Ifans (Notting Hill) just add emotion and intricacy to life in the aura of Elizabeth. Even the immense sets and locations enhance the impressiveness of the period.

The coup de grâce of the film has to be the elaborate costumes. Blanchett dons dresses made with multiple bolts of richly colored and embroidered cloth topped off with structured corsets and intricately designed lace collars. Every dress is accented by dazzling jewelry and the ensemble is completed by any one of numerous highly crafted, fiery-red wigs. Audiences could spend minutes just soaking up the details of her attire. Luckily, Blanchett exudes an intensity that will keep them riveted to her expressions and dialogue. Seriously, at this point Blanchett, or Rush for that matter, could lay comatose in a film and they’d achieve an award-winning performance. Both actors drive the humor, warmth, disdain, and utterly depressing loneliness of the Queen’s court and position.

“Elizabeth: The Golden Age” has elements to be appreciated and that is its failing. The director seemingly captured each scene as a moment in time, almost as if the film were a collection of still images. A whispered conversation is crafted with such melodrama and poise that it seems to be a portrait hanging in a museum. Like a museum crawl, audiences will find themselves drained and dazed by the barrage of imagery. The pretty pictures and elegantly captured emotion somehow lack anything compelling or riveting.

Dirty Undies
I must say, you have to be one determined person to get into the knickers of a lady of the royal court. All those ribbons, fasteners, wigs, and wraps make me think the commoners are far easier to come by, if you know what I mean. Clive Owen simply exudes sex with every crooked smile and twinkle of eye but it’s Blanchett that bares booty. Despite the violent era, all violence is off-screen with tortured souls and traitorous villains sporting bloodied wounds. The director even cops out by using blood-red garments to artistically convey the impending severity of what would be totally cool violence.

The Money Shots
Blanchett portrays Elizabeth as a seemingly light-hearted friend of the people and ambassador of good will to her neighbors. But like a true cock of the walk, let one of her subjects cross the line and she will beratingly snatch them back into their station. Her commanding demeanor, however, cannot carry this lethargic film. If you want a better understanding of just how ostentatious and tedious this film feels, just peruse the film’s official website and you’ll get a taste of what awaits.

Trailer Trash: The Heartbreak Kid

"Malin Akerman just realized that she's in a film with Ben Stiller"

Trailer Trash: To defame a film based solely on the value of its trailer before attending the screening.

Sometime earlier this year I was subjected to the first trailer for "The Heartbreak Kid."

I haven't trusted the Farrelly Brothers since subjecting movie-goers to "Fever Pitch." Stiller can have an occasionally inspired moment but I think he'll have none here (just like he had none in "Night at the Museum"). I mean, I can count on one hand the number of truly funny starring roles he's had and I would still have a finger free for Stiller to sit and spin. I don't know if I should lament more for "Daily Show" funnyman Rob Corddry or up-and-comer Malin Akerman for the imminent destruction of their acting future.

Everything about the trailers make this look like the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard. Having suffered a barrage of television and theatrical spots for this film's impending arrival has shown me that the studio's faith in this film lies wholly in watching Akerman bitch-slap Stiller in bed, which is shown in nearly every variation of the trailer.

Who knows, I may just be in a bitter and foul mood because trailers tout this film as the funniest R-rated comedy of the year...guess they forgot they're contending with "Knocked Up" and "Superbad" for that title. Heck, I'd even throw "Reno 911!: Miami" as a better bet than this.

To quote Stiller "Da duh di da dum! Da duh di da dum" Da duh di da dumb ass movie!

A Rivalry for All Ages

The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters


Release: August 17, 2007
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 19 minutes

Matinee <> Full Price




Rocky Balboa vs. Apollo Creed. Ash vs. the Deadites. Freddy vs. Jason. Harry Potter vs. Voldemort. Now there is Billy vs Steve. Maybe this pair isn't as recognizable as the aforementioned iconic film clashes but it soon will be. Billy Mitchell is a classic video game record setter from the 80's, and one-time master of such games as Pac-Man, Donkey Kong and ,reportedly, Missile Command. Enter Steve Wiebe (pronounced Wee-bee) a high school science teacher and perpetual also-ran. After a rough stint in his life, Steve weathered the storm by retreating into the glaring red and blue hues of a Donkey Kong arcade machine. His passion led to obsession and now he is poised to square off against the indomitable Billy for the title "King of Kong."

So maybe there isn't really an official "King of Kong" title, but this documentary is an epic clash between two masters which begins by delving into the history and lives of Billy and Steve. Candid interviews with friends and relatives reveal how these gamers became the men they are. But the title isn't all about Billy and Steve. Walter Day, founder of the gaming record keeping organization Twin Galaxies, shares the spotlight. Throughout, Walter is the level head of the fanatical gaming community, providing the balanced view of these mens' conflict.

For men immersed in the electronic world, their stories are both emotionally stirring and fanatically engrossing. Interviews with both the contenders and the pretenders are simultaneously dumbfounding and comical. Audiences can witness some relationships strengthen and others fade within mere minutes of one another. Everyone has a dream and it's genuinely heartbreaking and satisfying to watch those dreams be both realized and crushed.

Dirty Undies
Honestly if you want to see any of these folks in the buff, you need help. Although the stares and words of the contenders may cut like daggers, things never quite come to blows or bloodshed.

The Money Shot
"The King of Kong" is an emotionally charged tale. Akin to the frustrating levels of the Donkey Kong game itself, you can feel the spite, ire, resentment, and disappointment with each passing minute. I strongly encourage everyone to see this inspiring and funny film, if for no other reason than to learn what it means to be chumpatized.