Repeat Bidness: Shrek the Third

Release: 05/18/2007
DVD Release: 11/13/2007
Rated PG
1 hour, 32 minutes

Second Run Seats ($$)

"Mildly Inspired, Mostly Tired"

The laundry list of talent returns to their cash cow to voice the characters audiences have been flocking to since 2001. This time around Shrek and Fiona learn that Shrek is to be heir to the throne of Far, Far Away. Shrek, ironically uncomfortable with being a leader, learns that Fiona has a cousin, Arthur, voiced by Justin Timberlake (Alpha Dog), who is also eligible for the duties of king. Shrek, with his traveling companions Donkey and Puss In Boots, sets sail to bring back Arthur and spare himself from a lifetime of tight fitting wardrobes and responsibility. Meanwhile, the defeated Prince Charming has a plan to rally the villains of Far, Far Away to take over the kingdom and anoint themselves as rulers.

What is left to say about the characters of Shrek? These stories and the characters have become old hat for Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz, and Eddie Murphy. Antonio Banderas continues to shine as Puss In Boots. The wolf, the three pigs, Pinocchio, and the Gingerbread Man (everyone’s favorite supporting characters) return to inspire giggles and laughter when Shrek and Donkey often fall short. Minor players Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, Beauty, and even Doris appear in this installment, and are voiced by Amy Sedaris (*Elf), Amy Poehler (The Ex), Maya Rudolph (Idiocracy), Cheri Oteri (Scary Movie), and Larry King. Timberlake appropriately fits the bill as whiny, bitter teenaged Arthur. So when all these enjoyable characters are assembled onscreen and you find yourself yawning instead of holding your sides, something must be wrong.

What’s wrong is that the story is weak. At this point, the hurdles in Shrek’s life are more like speed bumps. Audiences can’t become overly invested in seeing a sub-par resolution. Granted, the villainous onslaught by Charming and company is exciting and far better accomplished than in this year’s Shrek wannabe “Happily N’Ever After,” but it ends too abruptly and the wealth of hilarity must have been left on the drawing boards. Seeing the ladies of the fairy tales kick butt and take names was stirring, but again the story returns to mediocrity far too quickly to hold your attention.

Dirty Undies
Though all three films have had a PG rating, the first two definitely pushed some adult envelopes with such gimmicks as Pinocchio in a thong. This time around, the writers barely bother with putting anything adult in the film, leaving nothing for parents to worry about having their kids pick up on.

The Money Shot
The bad thing about the “Shrek” franchise is that the original film broke the animated fairy-tale mold by ribbing and jibing the classic tales of old. It was new and fresh, but this is the third time around and the franchise’s ingenious formula, which its creators continue to use, has now become the by-the-numbers schtick they used to ridicule. One would wish that a fresh and exciting idea is right around the corner, but with another sequel and a spin-off film in the works, you can either hope for improvement or distance yourself from the series while you have the chance.

On the LAMB!

You heard it right Stargazers! Reel Whore has become the proverbial monkey, as it were, on the LAMB.

I guess I should clarify. Reel Whore has been invited to mount the prestigious LAMB, or Large Association of Movie Blogs which is, obviously, a directory of movie blogs. It's a one-stop shop for readers and bloggers to find out about the numerous movie blogs out on the internets. No more scouring the MyFace to search for alternate opinions to my reviews, you can just hop on the LAMB.

As for me being a monkey, those who know me know it to be all too true. Go West Young Readers - click, browse, and enjoy my fellow movie bloggers. Just remember the Reel Whore can be jealous and possessive so come back home lest you want to be pelted with feces!

Prodding the Sheeple

Lions for Lambs


Release: 11/09/2007
1 hour, 28 minutes


Matinee ($$$)




If you're like most of the populace, you've been intrigued by the trailers for this weekend's releases and you find yourself asking, "How hard up for cash was Vince Vaughn to make this crap?!" Sorry, wrong movie. “Lions for Lambs,” the much touted political "thriller," stars Meryl Streep, playing journalist Janine Roth, who interviews Tom Cruise portraying Jasper Irving, a U.S. senator with a bold new direction for the war on terror. While they converse in D.C., in California Professor Stephen Malley, played by Robert Redford, conferences with an aloof poli-sci student. Halfway across the world two American soldiers, played by Derek Luke (Pieces of April) and Michael Peňa (Babel), fight to survive on the frigid slopes of the Afghan mountains. The stage is set, audience anticipation builds, and the actors...talk.

That’s right, the cinematic juggernauts, Redford (The Last Castle), Streep (The Manchurian Candidate) and Cruise (The Firm) deliver up an hour and a half long lecture on the state of American affairs. Through succinct and poignant exposition the three capture our attention in a quick-paced flurry of words, arguments and questions that are, or at least, should be on the very hearts and minds of every American. Funny thing is I don’t recall the intense music and dramatic cuts of the trailer alluding to any of this.

The trailer hypes an edge-of-your-seat thriller, not an extended lecture on moral obligation and indignant outrage. “Lions” lures audiences with the promise of spellbinding moments with clever twists and bloodshed…and in a way it delivers. The problem is who is listening to this cleverly disguised Sermon on the Mount? I ask this because while “Lions” was created with noble intentions, and is obviously meant for the twenty to forty-something crowd, but did anyone bother to tell us? How would the apathetic and entertainment-hungry masses know to rush out to a film starring the King of Crazy, the Ice Queen from that Prada movie, and that leathery old guy that mom thinks is really hot? The aloof university student is a nobody, and hell, I didn’t even know Derek Luke was in this until he showed up on screen. The only possible draw to us is the promised intrigue, but many moviegoers will leave feeling slighted and deceived.

Dirty Undies
It’s almost not worth mentioning but there are some too-quick-to-really-be-noticed gory moments with our valiant soldiers that occur parallel to some gruff profanity by our conversationalists.

The Money Shot
Ironically, the marketing of “Lions for Lambs” misleads the public in the same way as the orchestrators of the mishandled war that is at its subject. The real question is will the suckered audiences find themselves sitting in the drive-thru of Starbucks, cent after cent of overpriced fuel vapors rising into the air, reflecting on this film, or will they instead be tuned in to the latest outcome in the Spears-Federline custody hearings?

Reunited, and It Feels So Good

American Gangster

Release: 11/02/2007
2 hours, 37 minutes

FULL PRICE ($$$$)

Long before most Americans were aware of his brilliant acting abilities, Russell Crowe starred alongside Denzel Washington in the little-remembered movie “Virtuosity.” Crowe played a serial killer and Denzel was the cop hot on his trail. After a dozen years and countless awards for both of them, Washington and Crowe reunite with roles reversed in “American Gangster.” Crowe portrays Richie Roberts, an honest cop amid a sea of dirty cops hired to head up a narcotics task force to make arrests of major drug lords. Washington plays one of those drug lords, Frank Lucas. The story follows the two men’s rise through their respective endeavors.

Reunions abound behind camera as helmer Ridley Scott and writer Steve Zaillian collabo for the first time since “Hannibal.” This creative duo have crafted a film that will have audiences’ rapt attention for the entire two and a half hour runtime. Washington and Crowe’s performances create an unshakable foundation in the telling of an otherwise formulaic narrative of drug lord versus the narc. Keep in mind that a true story like that of Frank Lucas is where all those clichéd ‘80’s and ‘90’s drug war flicks got their basis.

In addition to the megastars, the film features a slew of accomplished supporting actors. Chiwetel Ejiofor (Inside Man), Ted Levine (Silence of the Lambs), Carla Gugino (Sin City), Josh Brolin (Grindhouse) and Ruby Dee (Do the Right Thing), to name more than a few, give performances as memorable as those of the big dogs. If all that doesn’t do it for you, it has one of the grooving-est soundtracks of the year and even features a live performance by Anthony Hamilton.

Dirty Undies

One thing you’ve gotta love about those drug-war flicks is the obligatory drug cutting and packaging rooms full of gratuitous, half-naked and buck-ass naked women. “Gangster” doesn’t disappoint, providing an in depth look into Frank’s operation, though the movie is nearly devoid of sex. Graphic depiction of drug use, gun violence, and sheer brutality could be unnerving for some, but is a legitimate and necessary element to this tale.

The Money Shot
The story of Frank Lucas makes my North Carolina home even more prominent in entertainment news than the recent rise to fame of Jaime “Kinston Represent” Pressly. All joking aside, I could continue gushing about the music, acting, and enormous sense of gratification I felt after seeing this film, but I’d just be wasting valuable minutes you could be using to get to the theater to find out for yourself.

Martian Child Weighed Down by Earthly Lameness

Martian Child

Release: 11/02/2007
1 hour, 48 minutes

Second Run Seats ($$)

Remember the John Cusack of the 80’s--the somewhat eccentric, disarmingly witty though not-so-stunning looking high school kid that is so nice that he only deserves to be with the most popular and beautiful girl? Well, it’s a new millennium, and Cusack’s all growed up. Now, his mildly bizarre but still sincere characters have shared that perfect life with that beautiful and equally sincere woman, a woman who is now dead (or has left him because their child has died), and he must battle the tears to continue a meaningful existence. The one thing that hasn’t changed from the ‘80’s is the occasional gig big sis Joan gets in these flicks.

The most recent bone thrown Joan’s way is to play the neurotic older sister (a stretch I know) to a widowed sci-fi writer by the name of David Gordon. David is debating whether to adopt a delusional child; a potential foster-care lifer named Dennis, portrayed by Bobby Coleman. Once Dennis moves in, David realizes his out-of-this-world imagination may not be enough to handle the boy who thinks he’s from Mars.

“Martian Child” is an adaptation of a novel by David Gerrold, creator of the infamous “Star Trek” creatures known as Tribbles. Gerrold reportedly had producers sloughing through several iterations of this script before settling on a version capable of harnessing the Cusack power. The final product is a story that as inoffensive and uplifting as imaginable, to the point it forsakes being interesting. Cusack does a commendable job and the snaggle-toothed child is cute (albeit weird), but that just isn’t enough. The only real threats to this match-made-in-fiction are a seemingly callous and lonely social worker, played by Richard Schiff (I am Sam), and David’s own work stress. Not only does “Martian Child” suffer from a weak conflict-resolution structure, the director’s off-kilter timing leaves audiences squirming through the passing minutes.

Dirty Undies

PG fare is always insufferable for its complete lack of Dirty Undies and this is no exception. Sure, we have the bright-eyed, toothy face of Amanda Peet (Identity) to gaze upon, but the grown-woman-with-ponytails-and-overalls fantasy can only take you so far. At least we have cameos from Howard Hesseman and Anjelica Huston to distract us.

The Money Shot

While “Martian Child” suffers from a severe case of predictability and dullness, Cusack fans should enjoy watching the wunderkind master the next phase of his acting career. Let’s just hope that this film, along with the recent “1408,” does not signal the beginning of the end because I’m curious to see the evolution of Lloyd Dobler well into his golden years.

Repeat Bidness: I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

Release: 07/20/2007
DVD Release: 11/06/2007

Rated PG-13
1 hour, 55 minutes

Matinee ($$$)


"I'm not saying they're gay, but they've held one."

Adam Sandler and Kevin James star as Chuck Levine and Larry Valentine, best friends and Brooklyn firefighters. After a harrowing day on the job, Larry saves Chuck’s life. In return, Larry asks Chuck to save his kids’ lives by agreeing to become his domestic partner so he can maintain his medical benefits. Thinking this will be an easy fix, Larry is surprised when the city investigators begin snooping about. Larry has to persuade Chuck to cease his womanizing ways during the ruse and they hire a lawyer, Alex McDonough, played by Jessica Biel (Stealth), to protect their “gay marriage” rights.

By commingling the cohorts from the “King of Queens” and the Happy Madison shingle, the producers were able to release a surprisingly funny film. Both James and Sandler prove that comedians make decent dramatic actors as they temper this premise with tender emotion. Granted, Meryl Streep or William Hurt won’t be in jeopardy anytime soon, but having believable performances helps an outlandish premise. What also helps is having a director with great comedic pacing like Dennis Dugan (*Happy Gilmore) in charge of two genuinely funny actors.

Sandler and James also get a big hand from some side-splitting cameos and minor roles, and no, I am not talking about Sandler’s charity case Rob Schneider (see any other Sandler film). SNL alums such as Rachel Dratch, David Spade (*Grandma’s Boy), and Dan Aykroyd (Loser) give some of their funniest performances in ages. Ving Rhames brings a hilariously lighter side to his tough-guy appeal that’s reminiscent of his “Holiday Heart” role. One of my personal favorites, Nick Swardson (*Blades of Glory), enlivens the scenery as Biel’s brother Kevin “Butterfly” McDonough. Of course Sandler has his list of usual suspects accompanying him: Peter Dante, Allen Covert, Blake Clark and Jonathan Loughran – names you probably don’t know but whose faces are familiar. “C&L” tops everything off with cameos by Dave Matthews, among others, but you’ll have to see the film to enjoy them all.

Dirty Undies
I thought the best reason to see “Chuck and Larry” would be to see Jessica Biel flouncing around in panties and a latex catsuit. Surprisingly, Biel couldn’t hold a candle to Ving Rhames’ scene- stealing moments. Aside from Biel and Rhames eye candy, there are a slew of scantily clad Hooters Girls prancing around for Chuck and a lot of naked firemen washing off after a long day of throwing hose.

The Money Shot
“C&L” proves to be a heartfelt Sandler romp akin to “Mr. Deeds” only, you know, funny. The story as a whole, like most Sandler films, takes a bit of a leap to reach resolution, but if you wanted a gripping story you’d go sleep through “Evening” or “A Mighty Heart.” Those looking for not-so-PC laughs who have seen “Knocked Up” three of four times already will appreciate having this quality comedy to enjoy.

Trailer Trash: The November Gang Bang

In the past, one of my readers has asked me to do an extensive Trailer Trash segment for a whole month. Well folks, I present to you the November 2007 Gang Bang. This is a list of all the films competing to slip their probing members into your warm wallets and steal your cash cherry. I've corralled the studs by anticipated enjoyment and listed them by release date within each of the three stables. Enjoy.

Moist With Antici...Pation!
American Gangster (11/02) Denzel Washington, Russell Crowe, and Ridley Scott – let’s just call it a Cinematic Trifecta.
Before the Devil Knows You're Dead (11/02 ltd.) Why would anyone not wanna see a Philip Seymour Hoffman flick? If we’re lucky, maybe Lumet figured a way to work ‘sharted’ into the script for the Mattress Man.
No Country for Old Men (11/09 ltd.) Heads: It’s a Coen Brothers Film. Tails: Tommy Lee Jones stars. Either way the coin lands, you win. Call it, Friendo.
Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium (11/16) This may prove to be the first Walden Media film worth seeing (Yeah, I said it, Narnia fans!) The incomparable Hoffman, the funny Bateman, and the badass Ms. Portman trumps any issues I may have with Walden.
Love in the Time of Cholera (11/16) I think this is some kinda love-story-for-the-ages I should've read in high school. All I know is the soundtrack is by Shakira, and that is enough for me.
Southland Tales (11/16 ltd.) An ensemble cast wielded by “Donnie Darko” creator Richard Kelly. Looks like a cross between “Rocky Horror Picture Show” and the “Matrix.” It may wind up being incomprehensible but I bet it'll still look really cool.
Enchanted (11/21) Sure, it looks nauseatingly cute and Patrick Dempsey’s a douche, but Amy Adams and James Marsden look like they’re giving it their all to make it paradoxically amusing.
I'm Not There (11/21 ltd.) This is an awesome concept look into the life of Bob Dylan. Plus, Cate Blanchett looks to be the best Bob of the bunch. Watching it is the only one way to know for sure!
Hitman (11/23) This video-game adaptation looks like an opera of blood and gun violence and the buzz says likewise. I’ve heard Fox bitched out and tried to do some re-edits to tone it down, but let’s hope their effort got shot down.
The Savages (11/28 ltd.) Again, why would you not go see a Philip Seymour Hoffman flick?! Add Laura Linney and a quirky script and we’ve got another winner!

It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.
Martian Child (11/02) The way I figure it I somewhat enjoyed “I am Sam” and “K-Pax” so this can’t prove much worse or better than either of those.
Darfur Now (11/02 ltd.) The cause is inarguably noble, but this looks a bit slapped-together for the purpose of exploiting people’s holiday charity through guilt.
Joe Strummer: The Future is Unwritten (11/02 ltd.) For the Clash fans of the world comes a documentary into the life of front man Joe Strummer. Musicians and actors weigh in on the icon in what will become an overplayed VH1 Classic Rock Doc by early 2008.
Lions for Lambs (11/09) With Redford and Streep chewing up the dialogue, I can ignore Suri’s “daddy” being in this. But Cruise’s presence aside, this looks even preachier than “Darfur Now.”
P2 (11/09) Looks like a little bit of the torture porn genre has survived past Halloween for those of us depraved enough to care.
Margot at the Wedding (11/16 ltd.) I loved Baumbach’s “Squid and the Whale” and while I fully support Jennifer Jason Leigh getting more roles, I’m not sure how Kidman and Black will fare in this dysfunctional tale.
August Rush (11/21) Keri Russell has earned much love from me with “Waitress” and Jonathan Rhys Meyers is just mad hot. Sadly, this endearing family tale has the stink of Robin Williams as a Bono-esque street performer wafting from it.
This Christmas (11/21) I despise Chris Brown with a passion. But mainstays such as Loretta Devine, Regina King and Delroy Lindo make me think this predictable holiday tale will be worth checking out.
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (11/30 ltd.) This devastatingly inspiring French film is based on the true story of a paralyzed man who dictates his memoir by blinking. I’m depressed just thinking about it.

Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy
Bee Movie (11/02) Oh my fucking head! Who would’ve thought Seinfeld is kid-worthy material?! I hope audiences find themselves to be as allergic to this film as I am.
Fred Claus (11/09) This film looks like crap-on-a-stick even with a yummy Elizabeth Banks in hot holiday wear. Vince Vaughn should be banned from film-making for a full year after this. And WTF is up with Ludacris as a big-headed elf?!
Beowulf (11/16) Once upon a time, I was super-excited about this film. After watching many trailers, I think I’d rather play a video game of Beowulf since that’s all this looks like. Though the animated Angelina Joie justifies the validity of hentai appeal.
Stephen King's The Mist (11/21) Isaac, Carrie, It, Jack, and Cujo this menace is not. This menace is a friggin’ mist, a mist with big-A bugs and lots of annoying people trapped in a store. I sat through two Fogs; I think I’ve suffered enough.
Awake (11/30) Hey look it’s Terrence Howard in his 75^th film appearance this year! This nauseating, scatterbrained trailer shows Jessica Alba in, like, her 37^th movie still trying to prove she is legit, though this will be another argument for her to quit.

November Releases Not Included:
Saawariya (11/09 ltd.)
Om Shanti Om (11/09) These two films were not added because I have never seen a Bollywood production and did not want to skew your opinion.
After Dark Horrorfest (11/09) This one week horror series features 8 Films to Die For and is worthy of a separate column, if readers are interested.
Teeth (11/30 ltd.) No trailer was available at the time of posting but the premise of this film almost guarantees it to be a must-see!

Now...
If you'll excuse me I need to go find some ice.