Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Why I Deserve the Big Bucks, Vol. 1

I came here to critique Pineapple Express, but two articles inflamed my thought process. Knowing I am already way behind in my posts, yet I could not let this stand. I have long believed my calling does not lie in being a government mule, nor does it lie in scrawling out my cheeky opinions of the latest films. I belong on the other side of the silver screen. If I were in charge, here's the direction I'd take on:

I. Universal Acquires Jordan's Wheel of Time: The Wheel of Time series has long been touted as our time's Lord of the Rings. Robert Jordan crafted a mythical world that spans eleven books containing thousands of pages. Jordan died earlier this year, but the twelfth and final installment is still scheduled for release in 2009.

I thoroughly enjoy this series and for years my friends, also fans of the series, balked whenever I expressed how I'd love to see this vivid storytelling onscreen. They all said, "It won't work. It's too long. There's too much detail. There's too many characters." My friends are exactly right. I always thought this would make a poor film series because if the studio wasn't willing to put the money behind it, the effects, and subsequently, the film would suffer. I have long proposed the Wheel of Time series be produced for high-end television viewing a la Showtime or HBO. As an ongoing series, the twelve book story could receive the attention it deserves; all the characters could be featured and better developed than in a feature film. Are you listening, Universal? You may want the next Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter moneymaker, but fantasy fans are picky and you will rue the day that you screw this up.

II. Darren Lynn Bousman Wants a Western Leprechaun Movie: Saw sequel director Bousman is, evidently, as big a fan of Warwick Davis' Leprechaun films as I am. The six-film series is being eyed by Bousman as his next project. His concept is to place the Leprechaun in the Old West via a time-machine plot device and let the fun ensue. A Western Leprechaun film is an intriguing idea, but my long-churning take trumps Mr. Bousman's any day of the week, if I do say so myself.

I'm going to cop out and not give any details of my idea for fear of it being bogarted over the interweb, but it gives Warwick Davis the opportunity to shine with plenty of action, science fiction, romance, magic and, let's not forget, horror. Don't worry, fans; it will not be as painful to watch as Leprechaun 4: In Space but it will be as surprisingly amusing as Leprechaun 3, a.k.a. 'Lep in Vegas.' If Lionsgate gives you the greenlight to direct the seventh installment, Mr. Bousman, tap my idea to re-energize the franchise. Let's just keep Jennifer Aniston away from the time machine lest she tries to put a LA Gear-clad foot up her own ass for being in the first Leprechaun installment.


I think that's enough free advice for one night. That's why I deserve the big bucks.

Large Association of Movie Blogs


  1. Wow - I totally like your Wheel of Time as a high-end cable series idea. I have been a huge fan of the books since the first one (although the last few volumes have gotten pretty convoluted and mired down in the myriad of characters and plot threads) and yes, there is NO WAY a movie or even a trilogy of movies could do the stories justice. Given a 22-episode per season/7-season run, however, we just might get to see Tarmon Gai'don yet.

  2. Exactly. You can't get the depth and breadth of the story in even a six or seven part franchise like Potter. I think audiences would lose interest with a big screen Wheel of Time adaptation (like all franchises) whereas a high end series could pick up viewership if done right.

    I'm still one book shy of being caught up (I stopped in 10 to wait for the final book) but I'd be very upset to see a film franchise that either a) never makes it to The Last Battle or b) rushes through some quick resolution.