Trailer Trash: The June Gang Bang

I had hoped I would have my panties dripping wet over cinematic goodness every weekend in June. Sadly this is not the case. At best, I've got a massive sploosh mid-month with plenty of time left to wash up before and after.

June brings eleven major releases (according to IMDB). There are also five limited releases, one of which I highly recommend viewing in lieu of a certain rotund actor's other, mainstream offering. Enough teasing, let's find out what awesomenicity is in store this month!

Exercise the Right To Cinematic Celibacy.

Marmaduke (06.04) More like Make-me-puke. It's not so much the horribly bad CGI line dance the mutts are doing at the trailer's end as it is seeing so many quality actors being subjected to such tripe (as I mentioned earlier). Someone call Sarah McLachlan; maybe she can champion against this cruelty to movie fans.

The Karate Kid (06.11) Wanna know why Karate Kid will suck harder than Lindsay Lohan in the judge's quarters? It's not because the director is responsible for inflicting Pink Panther 2, Agent Cody Banks, or One Night at McCool's on audiences, or that the writer is as unproven as Jaden Smith. It's not even because Smith is shorter than his love interest.

It's because Karate Kid is not Karate Kid without Martin Kove's John Kreese!

Sweep the leg!

Grown Ups (06.25) Even I shat upon the SNL sketch-to-film adaptation of MacGruber last month, but I'd gladly pay to see that film twice over before supporting this obviously one-note SNL reunion circa 1990-1993. The foursome at least could have honored Chris Farley by casting his younger brother Kevin as the fat friend in lieu of Paul Blart; the Blart-man, the Blartinator, the Blartastrophe!

Killers (06.04) Look, everyone! It's an action rom-com about a hot blonde passing as a "Plain Jane" type who stumbles into a partnership with a studly secret agent out to save the world. Cuh-lassic! I'm a bit concerned that Kutcher doesn't actually own any shirts, given he's bare-chested for half the trailer. No matter, this concept is too original to miss.


It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (06.30) I dropped out of this craptastic craze long before the credits rolled in the first film, but I've got to admit this installment shows promise. Well, the manly man trailer full of wolf fangs and sub-aquatic vampires does; the vagtastic, angsty love trailer makes my action half-chub go limp.

Jonah Hex (06.18) I wonder, while filming his debut Goonies, did Josh Brolin dream of the day when he could share the screen with a love interest who was, at that time, nothing more than a follicle in her mother's ovum? I bet he never figured that girl would be so good at massacring an Southern drawl either. Although, word is the director did a much better job at hacking the film into incoherent bits.

Get Him to the Greek (06.04) Can you imagine how this pitch went down:

DIRECTOR

So I want to do a sequel to
my moderately successful
comedy Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

PRODUCER

Do you think we can afford to
pay Jason Segel and Mila
Kunis for their return?

DIRECTOR

Doesn't matter. I want to
tell the story of Russell
Brand and Jonah Hill.

PRODUCER
That skinny, Brit rocker
and the chubby, heterosexually-
challenged bellhop that
were barely in the movie?

DIRECTOR
(laughing)
Exactly! They'll be like the
new Laurel and Hardy...
except with more vulgarity
and drug dependency.

Crickets chirp outside the office window.

DIRECTOR
I'll take that as a yes. Filming
starts in two weeks!

Knight and Day (06.25) Look, everyone! It's another action rom-com about a different hot blonde passing as a "Plain Jane" type who stumbles into a partnership with a slightly studlier secret agent out to save the world. Cuh-lassic! I'm a bit concerned that Cruise and Diaz may ham up the action too much for my taste. No matter, this concept is too original to miss.

Splice (06.04) Fucking with the natural order of the universe always makes for a great sci-fi horror tale. Both Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley perfectly fit the stereotypical geeky lab rat. Biggest reason to see this; I haven't gotten this turned on by a bald humanoid chick since Susan on the Alien Nation TV series.


Moist With Antici...Pation!

Toy Story 3 (06.18) Proof positive that even the imaginarium of Pixar isn't immune to resorting to squeezing blood from a turnip. I'm excited at revisiting the gang that began the studio's rise to animation domination. It sure beats watching a talking trashcan plant trees or seeing an old man pushing up daisies.

Cyrus (06.18 ltd.) If you have to see one Jonah Hill film in June and this opens in your area, trade in Russell Brand for John C. Reilly, Marisa Tomei, and Catherine Keener. I expect the tête-à-tête between Hill and Reilly to be a little more creative than smack suppositories and absinthe benders.

The A-Team (06.11) Nostalgia plays a large part into my seat-drenching excitement over this TV-to-movie adaptation. Strong action writers, a decent action director, and the excellent casting doesn't hurt either. While the Whore loves his R-rated movies, I shall not poo-poo the A-Team's mass appeal PG-13 rating; fans of the show know even the worst of the villains managed to walk away from their exploding cars with only a headache.

Yes!

Mmmm, Yes!!

Hell Fuckin-A-Team, Yes!!!

***

That's all she wrote, stargazers! If I find time away from my Nerdapalooza this weekend to see a movie...well, I guess I'll be hitting Netflix to catch Spider-Man casting hopeful, Donald Glover, in Mystery Team.