Stargazers, I have been dreading this week for longer than I care to remember. It's not because I've spent the week being barraged by Now-on-DVD adverts touting the brilliance of the woefully undeserving Bridesmaids, although that doesn't help. No, according to IMDb, what will no doubt be the most awful action film of the year releases today. You'll have to read on to discover which one, but I bet you can guess.
Dolphin Tale "Hi there! Now what seems to be the problem here? This dolphin doesn't have a tail you say? No worries, for I, Harry Connick, Jr. will combine my jazz talent with the vocal stylings of Kris Kristofferson, that purdy smile on Ashley Judd, and the magic of this kindly black man to infuse her aquatic soul with a funky-folky groove that'll have her swimming like Michael Phelps in no time." (Sorry Harry, love ya!)
Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.
Moneyball Brad Pitt plays the major league coach who gives a tubby, nonathletic youth a sporting chance to knock it out the park with his newfangled scouting scheme. Jonah Hill isn't nearly endearing, or ethnic, enough to make this a mega-hit like Blind Side, but I'm always game to see Brad on the big screen. So dreamy.
Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.
Abduction If a shit could take a shit, this would be the rancid, stinking pile left behind. And if you put that turd in a bag, set it on fire then doused it with water, Taylor Lautner would still not be able to act his way to freedom. I like to believe all the other talent (Singleton, Weaver, Bello, Molina) were attached before they cast the cardboard cutout. If it weren't for Killer Elite also opening, I'd swear Hollywood is trying to kill the action genre.
Verdict: Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.
Killer Elite Now when I think action, this is what I'm thinking about! Not Clive Owens pedo 'stache, but the ass-whooping Jason Statham is going to lay on him for growing such a pervy thing! Not sure why De Niro is in this, but as long as it delivers on its R-rated promise, you won't hear me complaining.
Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!
Let's make a pact to make Killer Elite the #1 film at the box office this weekend. Action fans unite!
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