Insert Sarcastically "Perfect" Quip Here

The Perfect Holiday

Release: 12/12/2007
Rated PG
1 hour, 36 minutes

Second-Run Seats ($$)

Released under Queen Latifah’s Flavor Unit Entertainment production plaque, “The Perfect Holiday” also features Latifah (Hairspray) as a narrator, and, evidently, Mrs. Christmas, according to the credits. Mrs. Christmas relates the story of Benjamin, played by Morris Chestnut (Breakin’ All the Rules), a struggling singer-songwriter who works part-time as a mall Santa. After hours of gimme-gimme-gimme pleas from children, his ears prick up when a young girl asks him to send a nice man to give her mommy, Nancy, a compliment. After Benjamin takes one look at Nancy, played by Gabrielle Union (Two Can Play That Game), he is smitten and makes the child’s wish come true with a quickness. But that one small act of kindness leads Benjamin to his perfect life while his many white lies threaten to destroy it all.

It’s hard to know where to begin with “Perfect Holiday.” I could have done without the director’s too-close-for-comfort close-ups of Latifah. For that matter, I could have done without her narrator character altogether. Granted, that would have eliminated Terrence Howard (Pride) and his glorified cameo as her nemesis, Bah Humbug, but trust me; it’s no big loss. The story’s entire premise of Benjamin weaving a tangled web of lies and deceit to uphold his mall Santa-child confidentiality made my head want to explode, and made for a lot of clunky, unnecessary clean up during the final resolution. Maybe this is my social outrage, but couldn’t a family-friendly movie like this have had a few more positive role models than rap moguls, single moms, and broke-ass aspiring songwriters? Let me close my Grinchy commentary by saying the child actors were struggling and in desperate need of some coaching.

All that said, “Holiday” is a movie meant to spread holiday cheer, and it does accomplish that. With their great timing and delivery Faizon Love (*Elf), Charlie Murphy (Roll Bounce), and Katt Williams (TV: The Boondocks) will keep you laughing with their ridiculous and blunt dialogue. While the overall premise is cliché, the interactions between the kids, friends, and budding lovers are earnest and the too-good-to-be-true overtones will ultimately lift your spirits.

Dirty Undies
It’s hard not to see a film that has two of Hollywood’s hottest stars in it. While Union is old enough to have three kids, looking at her makes the setup implausible, especially when she’s clad in that revealing skintight black dress. I believe my idea of a perfect holiday would be waking up to Miss Union wrapped in only a big red ribbon underneath my Christmas tree. If that were to happen, I can tell you the results would make a far more entertaining (though far from PG) Christmas story!

Surprisingly, Murphy and Williams keep the vulgarities under wraps and deliver a bounty of clean jokes for general audiences. The only remotely risqué moment in the film is watching the boy playing Miss Union’s younger son call her “bootylicious” – that was just wrong on so many levels.

The Money Shot
For a film that doesn’t have much substance, I’ve probably squeezed what’s left of it out. All you need to know is that it’s Christmas and “Perfect Holiday” fits the feel-good film bill for the season. With a pinch of good-looking people, a spoonful of comedy and a cup of good intentions you can enjoy this movie…if taken with a grain of salt, or salty popcorn at least.

Trailer Trash: The December Gang Bang

Another month has passed and the time has come to grab a bucket of ice and participate in the gang bang. The month of December has far fewer and more obscure participants than last month for many reasons. One is that people are feeling the holiday spirit a little too much to enjoy too many outings to the theater. Second, it's the push for gripping award winning drama, i.e. excruciatingly long and thoughtful films, that take over the silver screen.

According to IMDB's December Now Playing List at the time of this posting there are twenty-six films to be released in December and only twelve of those are slated to be wide releases. The majority of the films will be limited releases that will receive wider release during January, assuming audiences find them interesting enough. So, assuming all these films will come to my town (though realizing half of these won't surface here until damn near February) I now present the December Gang Bang.

Moist with Antici...Pation!
The Walker (12/7 ltd.) Woody Harrelson has been making a comeback in recent years and working with a strong supporting cast of Ya-Ya also-rans holds promise. If that doesn't pull you in the character and ambiance of the preview is enough to warrant consideration.
Grace Is Gone (12/7 ltd.) Oh my, our young Cusack is all growed up. He's tackling the heavy roles and looking especially dowdy in his windshield sized specs. He looks all torn up in this film and I have the feeling there will not be a dry eye in the house by the time the credits roll.
Juno (12/14 ltd.) Mention the names Michael Cera or Jason Bateman to me and I'll be first in line to buy a ticket. Throw in the fact that this looks to be an equally funny (if not funnier), less drug-impaired version of "Knocked Up" and why would you not add this to your must-see list?
Charlie Wilson's War (12/21) Yeah yeah yeah, folks are sick of watching films about Afghanistan and war. On the plus side, Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman make the idea of sitting through another war story tolerable, maybe even enjoyable.
Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (12/21) Judd Apatow has been known to have his missteps and this may be yet another one. But I'm willing to take that risk for a film that headlines John C. Reilly - truly, the man is due his props and my hope is that it begins here.
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (12/21 ltd.) When dreamy Johnny Depp teams up with creepy Tim Burton it is always quite the spectacle. While I do find it odd that the trailers seem to avoid the musical aspect of this story, I have no fear that this dark tale will inspire thrills and chills...Burton's bizarre arm candy, Helena Bonham Carter, alone will see to that.
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (12/25) Remember last year when you were at the movies and you couldn't believe the three people walking into "Black Christmas" while you were going to see "Deck the Halls?" Yeah, well I was one of those people and while "BC" sucked massive donkey balls, I have come to respect this franchise born of a video game born of two disparate film franchises. Now, let's go watch shit get raw.
The Orphanage (12/25 ltd.) If you haven't noticed, I do love me a good slasher film but I do appreciate a quality scary film on the rare occasion one presents itself. "El Orfanato" or "The Orphange" looks like it will terrify the Jeebus out of its audience.
There Will Be Blood (12/26 ltd.) Awesome doesn't even begin to describe Daniel Day-Lewis. Nor does it describe Paul Thomas Anderson and his work behind a camera. Find this trailer, watch this trailer, and get ready to be pissed to have to wait for the movie to be released.

It's Friday, I don't want to be alone.
The Golden Compass (12/7) Finally, this movie will be released. I was not dying to see it mind you, but if I had to sit through another month of trailers, I'd slit my wrists. This looked promising when promotions started a year ago, now I just want to put a bullet through the armored head of every polar bear I see.
Revolver (12/7 ltd.) Jason Statham and Ray Liotta in a Guy Ritchie film that doesn't also star Madonna?! I should be sporting wood over this film but, sadly, I'm not. Maybe I'm turned off by seeing Statham with hair longer and greasier than my fingers at a KFC buffet.
The Amateurs (12/7 ltd.) I don't know what's weirder, the idea that a small town could produce it's own amatuer porn or that anyone in a small town would let someone like Jeff Bridges convince them to do it. I can feel safe knowing that this huge ensemble cast is probably worth blowing my load over.
The Kite Runner (12/14 ltd.) The second tale featuring Afghanistan has the distinction of being adapted from a best-selling novel. Knowing this will be a sure-fire Oscar contender is probably the only thing that will put me in the theater for this...does that say a lot about me or about this lackluster trailer?
National Treasure: Book of Secrets (12/21) I look at this trailer and can't help but think, why? Because the first was a success or because Nicolas Cage's best performance in the past year was in the fake trailer "Werewolf Women of the SS" in "Grindhouse" and he's scrapping for a hit? I mean I'll see this regardless but I have my wagging finger at the ready.
The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep (12/25) Granted, the "Millions" kid is as cute as a button and watching a canine being pestered by CGI is adorable, but I've got to draw the line here. Walden Media is determined to mar the reputation of any half-decent kid's book within its reach. I can't decide whether to stop the madness or just have myself committed.
The Great Debaters (12/25) It's impossible to escape December without at least one biopic, and this one stars not only the brilliant Forest Whitaker but also has the dazzling Denzel Washington (both behind and in front of the camera). If you have to endure at least one big screen made-for-TV movie, why not let it be this one?
The Bucket List (12/25 ltd.) Back in October 2006, Rob Reiner must have thought that the NBC show "Twenty Good Years" was on to something. Taking the concept no one cared about, he tacked on the two all-time scene chewers Nicholson and Freeman and he's prime to rake in the coinage. Damn his soul!
Cassandra's Dream (12/25 ltd.) Sparkly man candy Ewan McGregor shares the screen with skeazy man candy Colin Farrell. Woody Allen seems to have been on a winning streak with his last few movies so why do I get the feeling that his luck is about to run out? Maybe excellent acting by the pretty boys and Tom Wilkinson will keep him afloat a little longer.

Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.
Atonement (12/7) Movie makers love to shove Keira Knightley into some period pieces and out of period attire whenever possible, but I think James McAvoy will emit the sex appeal in this film. Otherwise this just looks like a British "Cold Mountain" and I don't know if I can sit still for that tale once more.
The Perfect Holiday (12/12) Damned if it ain't Terrence Howard in yet another 2007 movie! But he's not the draw here. Apparently, they're trying to see if the sound of crickets can drown out the audience's response. I mean who in their ever-lovin' mind would hire Charlie Murphy, scratch that, Charlie Murphy and Katt Williams for a friggin' PG movie?!
Alvin and the Chipmunks (12/12) Thanks to the overexposure and saturation of Justin Timberlake throughout 2007, a CGI-version of these nasally-voiced rodents was inevitable. I must admit to chuckling at a couple of moments of this trailer (with great shame) but it'll be Jason Lee who'll be trying to wash the stinkpalm effect of this film off his resume for years to come.
I Am Legend (12/14) Am I the only person who thinks this film looks dull as dirt? "Legend" a remake of the Heston classic "The Omega Man," has all the markings of a sleeper more so than a sleeper hit.
Youth Without Youth (12/14 ltd.) Hmm, Francis Ford Coppola's in the director's chair once again. I watched all the trailers and I still don't get what the hell this story is supposed to be about. This may be a time when having a fast-forward button is a blessing.
P.S. I Love You (12/21) You can say I'm a Grinch when it comes to romantic comedies, but the idea that a dead man plans out his wife's grief recovery and sets her up with a creepily similar new love is more sick than endearing. P.P.S. Only way I'll be in the theater for this one is if Swank is there giving out free handjobs.

December Releases not included:
Flakes (12/19 ltd.) Though no trailer was available for this film, Zooey Deschanel is a nice bit of eccentric eye candy and in the hands of the director of the "Hudson Hawk" who knows what heights (or depths) this story could reach.
Persepolis (12/25 ltd.) I've watched the trailers several times and I don't think I have the proper frame of reference to judge this. If we even get this film in my neck of the woods, I gotta check it out if only to see if the whole film will make me understand it better.

Whew!
I think that's about all the celluloid one person can take. Was it good for you?

Hitman's Good For Killin' Time

Hey Hey Stargazers!

I know many of you have been anxiously anticipating a review of a theatrical release and not a DVD release. Maybe it's the chill of the winter winds nipping my brainflow, or maybe I ingested a toxic amount of tryptophan over the Thanksgiving holiday that's just now wearing off. Heck, it could be the mounting depression (stemming from the ongoing writers’ strike) of knowing that I will only be able to staunch my film addiction at the loving hands of Netflix in 2008. All I know is my slackness is a mystery all its own. But no one cares about that; you just wanna hear about the movie!!

The Hitman


Release: 11/21/2007
Rated R
1 hour, 40 minues


Matinee ($$$)

Everyone's favorite skeevy Pete, a.k.a. Timothy Olyphant (The Girl Next Door), cleans himself up (somewhat) to portray an assassin known only as 47 in this adaptation of the popular video game bearing the same name. If you've never seen an assassin action film, there's pretty much two basic plots; either the assassin is embroiled in a deadly têtê-a-têtê with a younger colleague out to make a name for himself, or the assassin is pursued relentlessly after finishing a job because his paranoid client wants him killed to sever their implication in the dirty deed. "The Hitman" falls into the latter category.

Agent 47 is running for his life after being stiffed on the job. He latches onto a young escort, Nika, portrayed by Olga Kurylenko, who is the only link to the client now trying to kill him.

Olyphant does a commendable job playing the callous, calculating hitman. His expressions, the glint in his eye and pursing of the lips remind me of Eastwood except without all that, you know, commanding presence. But slap a few polished guns in his hands and strap a half-naked Ukrainian babe by his side and you’d almost never know the difference.

The Hitman says little and kills a lot all for the sake of evading his pursuers. One bloodhound is an obnoxious, headstrong Interpol agent who’s always this close to capturing 47 - adeptly played by Dougray Scott (Enigma). Another is Russian secret service agent Yuri Marklov, played by Robert Knepper (Hostage), who wants to keep Interpol out of his city and his business. Of course there are the innumerable villains with their shiny guns and knives who all do an excellent job of falling and screaming on cue.

Dirty Undies
Let me continue on a bit about the guns and knives. What would an assassin movie be without a substantial amount of killing? “Hitman” passes muster with flying colors. There is nary a room that 47 enters, a corner that he turns that does not unfold into rivers of bloodshed and deafening gunfire and explosions.

And let me not forget sexy and lithe Kurylenko whose piercings, tattoos, and blatant disrespect for wearing concealing attire is all too welcome. Her hotness overshadows Olyphant’s steamy glare. Kurylenko makes me rethink my position on mail-order Ukrainian brides (though I think my wife’s position still remains firm).

The Money Shot
“The Hitman” is a fast-paced excuse for a body-count. It delivers a decent enough story with solid direction and it keeps the characters’ lines to a minimum to avoid any undue suffering. In a time of year when heart-wrenching dramas reign supreme, it’s comforting to know audiences can find refuge amid a hail of heart-bursting gunfire.

Repeat Bidness: Hot Fuzz

Release: 04/20/2007
DVD Release: 07/31 & 11/27/2007

2 hours, 1 minute
Rated R

FULL PRICE ($$$$)


“Man, that's off the fucking chain!”

The combined creative genius behind “Shaun of the Dead,” Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost reunite to wreak havoc and hilarity on the action genre. Pegg plays Nicholas Angel, a stellar police officer in the London Metropolitan Police Service. Angel is so good, in fact, that he is promoted to sergeant and then quickly reassigned to the rural village of Sandford. Angel finds his hard-nosed interpretation of the law to be at odds with the sleepy little town’s philosophy. Inspector Butterman, played by Jim Broadbent (Moulin Rouge!), repeatedly chides Angel to mellow out and stop trying to picture big-city crime in the little burb. Unable to switch off his internal police officer, Angel struggles to determine if he is indeed making mountains out of mole hills or if the town houses a deadly secret only he can see.

“Hot Fuzz” is a great homage to the myriad of police and vigilante action films produced by Hollywood over the last few decades. The story starts off somewhat slowly as it develops the straight-laced character of Angel, which Pegg plays to a T. Nick Frost portrays his bumbling partner, Danny Butterman, with great timing and on-point delivery. Once the two characters warm up to one another, a trusted relationship develops that is akin to some of the best buddy cop flicks. As they say, the beauty is in the details, and it is the minor aspects of Angel and Danny that will resonate with action fans and generate a wealth of humorous moments for all audiences. Both the “law breakers” and “villains” of Sandford are boisterous, brazen and hysterically appropriate.

Though it drags at first, the story of Angel and Danny picks up quickly and ends in a fevered frenzy of hilarity and carnage. The dialogue is quick and witty, though audiences less comfortable with English accents may need a second viewing to catch all the jokes. Heck, most folks will want a second viewing simply because it’s one of the few films well-written and well-executed enough to warrant audiences shilling for multiple screenings.

Dirty Undies
I expected a silly story with tons of flying bullets, car chases, explosions and the like. “Hot Fuzz” does not disappoint in the least. “Fuzz” actually excels in the gore and violence quotient. Gallons of blood, bruises on top of bruises, and just plain gruesome incidents will have even the strongest stomachs turn a bit squeamish. No good cop flick can survive without a healthy dose of foul language and “Fuzz’ doesn’t disappoint. Nor does it disappoint with cameos. A couple of uncredited cameos that went right over my head but for those very, very observant, maybe you can pick up on them.

The Money Shot
In all honesty, “Hot Fuzz” is a film you really can’t get into too many details about without ruining a thoroughly enjoyable film for audiences. Silly, witty, graphic, action-packed, and flat-out hilarious are just a few of the words that describe “Hot Fuzz.” So before I lose my composure and start spewing the details, go see why the “Fuzz” is getting all the buzz.

Repeat Bidness: Hot Rod

Release: 08/03/2007
DVD Release: 11/27/2007
1 hour, 28 minutes
Rated PG-13

Matinee ($$$)



"I can't stop thinking about this movie!"

SNL producer Lorne Michaels decided to go out on a limb and produce a film for one of his stars before they leave the show. Andy Samberg stars as Rod Kimble, stuntman extraordinaire. Rod still lives at home with his mom Marie, played by Sissy Spacek (Blast from the Past), and his stepdad Frank, played by Ian McShane (Scoop). Rod has a strained relationship with his stepdad, continually trying to beat him in combat so he can acclaim the title of real man. When Rod learns that Frank will die without a $50,000 heart transplant, he decides to raise the money by jumping fifteen buses so his stepdad can live…and Rod can finally beat his ass.

This was the most whacked-out, bizarre shit I have seen in recent memory. Samberg is joined by fellow members of the Lonely Island comedy team: Akiva Schaffer who directs; Jorma Taccone who plays Kevin; and Chester Tam who you will not soon forget. Much like an episode of SNL, the film sways from really funny to random and weak.

Also like SNL, “Hot Rod” winds up being extremely hilarious in its final half hour, though its early shortcomings may alienate the audience. The early moments of “Hot Rod” come off like a mean-spirited “Napoleon Dynamite.” Luckily, it sheds this vibe as the story progresses, coming into its own to rest its laurels alongside other out-there comedies like “Dude, Where’s my car?” and “Pootie Tang.”

"Hot Rod” also features a side romance between Rod and his neighbor Denise, played by Isla Fisher (Wedding Crashers), which is laughably weak. The movie’s continuity is sloppy, and most of the acting is exceptionally poor and over-the-top. Will Arnett (Blades of Glory) comes off particularly bad. The ladies, Sissy Spacek and Isla Fisher (Wedding Crashers), are easily the most believable performers, which in itself is sad. Despite all these low marks, “Hot Rod” soars like the spirit totem eagle to the top. The film’s shortcomings pale in comparison to the combination of boyish good intentions and sheer randomness “Hot Rod” embraces.

Dirty Undies
Andy Samberg is one ugly looking dude! At least he’s funny as hell and at least Isla Fisher is a cutie. If that doesn’t do it for you, there’s always some very, very excessive pelvic thrusting that may suit your sexual funny bone. The stunts are friggin’ brutal! There is very little that Rod won’t do to spare his stepdad from death. And watching the foul-mouthed Frank slap Rod senseless is a joy in and of itself.

The Money Shot
Oh, did I mention that also like SNL, “Hot Rod” features several musical interludes? While not reaching the caliber of guest performers on the show, the cast’s interpretive sequences are yet one more reason that this film should not be missed, especially if you’re a fan of the band Europe. Granted, I’d steer clear if odd and funny aren’t your thing, but if you go, you may see me there a third time.

Repeat Bidness: Live Free or Die Hard

Release: 06/27/2007
DVD Release: 11/20/2007
2 hours, 20 minutes
Rated PG-13 (DVD:PG-13/UR)

FULL PRICE ($$$$)



"Bruno returns to shake up the game."

“Bruised” Willis reprises the role that made him a star (and gave him the aforementioned nickname). That role, of course, is New York police detective John McClane. This time McClane receives a call from his chief asking him to pick up a computer hacker for questioning at the bequest of the FBI. McClane arrives at the door of Matt Farrell, played by Justin Long (Accepted), only to find the young man is being targeted by a terrorist group and gunfights, explosions and mayhem quickly ensue. McClane delivers Matt to the FBI headquarters in Washington DC just as the terrorists take control of the nation's technological infrastructure. With Matt being the only link to how and what the terrorists are planning, McClane takes it upon himself to hunt them down and save the country from bedlam.

Once Willis appears onscreen, fans know that he is playing a seasoned veteran, a veteran at making entertaining, engaging action films chock full of substance. The first half hour of the film establishes the plot and the supporting characters, but it is Willis's charisma that simply emanates from the screen, drawing viewers into the cowboy style that has made him an action icon. By delivering such a convincing performance, Willis makes it easy for the rest of the actors. Justin Long makes a great reluctant sidekick, providing tons of wise-cracking and the occasional helping hand. Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Grindhouse) plays his chip-off-the-old-block, hard-headed daughter Lucy Gennero McClane as if she grew up watching all of Willis's finer moments (and she probably did). Rounding out the supporting roles is Timothy Olyphant (TV: Deadwood) who portrays the villainous Thomas Gabriel. Olyphant balances smug superiority with increasing annoyance as he watches his perfect plan be continually picked apart by the venerable McClane.

The writing for this installment in the franchise takes as much care and attention to detail as the original "Die Hard" did back in 1988. Each character is solidly developed, the elaborate plot is presented in detail, albeit with much techno-jargon, and each action sequence leaves McClane and the bad guys with a few more bruises and bloodstains. The film relies a little more heavily on special effects at times, but the action sequences are edge-of-your-seat intense. Granted, I would have left one particularly ludicrous stunt sequence on the editing room floor, but given the amount of money that was probably spent on the scene I can see why producers kept it. This particular scene is out of character for the blue collar hero that Willis plays so well and, thankfully, he is given plenty of other hair-raising sequences to exude his tough-cop appeal. McClane talks to himself, spits biting remarks at the good and bad guys alike, and kicks ass whenever it’s necessary just like we remember.

Dirty Undies
Bruised Willis stays true to his name by adding a new cut, bullet wound, bruise, or bloodstain every few minutes. The fight scenes are intense and action sequences blindingly violent but, surprisingly, not as gruesome as you'd think. Their is a lot of "bitches" and "shit" thrown around but given the level of pressure Farrell and McClane are enduring it is easily acceptable. Maggie Q (*Mission Impossible III) looks and sounds kinda hot playing Gabriel's henchwoman, Mai. She delivers lots of violence and foul language in her tight-fitting yet securely buttoned shirt. Unlike the previous "Die Hard" films, audiences were not treated to any gratuitous desktop sex or naked-villain Tai Chi; just good 'ol ass-whupping.

The Money Shot
As many people know and I freely admit, I am a huge Willis fan. Admiration aside, Willis proves in "Live Free or Die Hard" why he deserves respect. Great actors delivering well-written dialogue with a competent director behind the camera yields what is easily the best action film served up in the summer of 2007. With special-effects laden behemoths littering the theater every other week it is exciting and refreshing to see the action genre rising to and defeating the competition before it. One last point to mention: many fans are curious if Willis utters his famous line, and while mum's the word, I can tell you after seeing this on the big screen I was shouting "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!"

Spank Bank: The Grand Opening

I’ve been toying with the notion of adding this feature, and given this week’s news, decided to start now. This new (occasional) addition for the Reel Whore is intended to help you see some of my favorite actors and actresses through my tinted lens. Let's put those hands together for my first deposit:

MATT DAMON
The People’s Sexiest Man Alive

The man once best known as the heterosexual lifemate to Ben Affleck is now being touted as a bankable Hollywood commodity, but some of us recognized his value before 2007. I can’t attest to having seen every inch of reel emblazoned with his image, but of his forty IMDB listed TV and film projects released to date, I can claim to have consumed two dozen of them. Join me as I walk down memory lane.

The First Time My Eyes Met: “Good Will Hunting” (I’d say it was “Mystic Pizza”, but I’d have to admit to watching that film, and I don’t know if I’m ready to take that step. I've said too much already.)

He had me at ‘Hello’: As Loki in “Dogma” Damon projected a healthy mix of blasphemy, brutality, and hilarity. I knew the boy was destined for greatness.

“Whose house? Run's house! I said, whose house? Run's house!”

Sexiest Movie Moment: The cougar hunt in "Ocean’s Thirteen." The nose plays.

Let’s Never Speak of This Again: “The Brothers Grimm” Neither Damon and all his charms, nor the Damon-Belluci combo was sufficient to make me see this again.

It Brings a Smile to My Face: His cameo as Donny in “Eurotrip.” Totally unexpected, yet surprisingly sexy. After all what Scotty doesn't know!

My Biggest Regret: Having still not seen Damon opposite Ed Norton in "Rounders." I need a good rainy day to stretch out with this one.

His Winning Feature: There’s that big grin, his genuine happy nature, and nice bod…let’s just say I like the cut of his jib.

If I could walk in her shoes: I’d take the place of Franka Potente in “Bourne Identity.” Just the thought of Damon showing up to ride my scooter…

Most Anticipated Upcoming Project: The upcoming Clint Eastwood project “The Human Factor.” The pairing of these great men will be a sight to behold.

My Dream of Working with Big D: I can see it now, the two of us seated at a huge oak desk pouring over line after line of dialogue of our latest soon-to-be-award-winning screenplay. We joke, we laugh, but the spark never ignites because Affleck’s constant dick ridin’ kills the mood.

(For the “Boondocks”-impaired, dick ridin’ refers to one person doing some hardcore sucking up to another)

I think it’s time we leave Damon to bask in his Sexiest Man Alive title now. He’s come a long way…

A long way indeed.