Trailer Trash: The January Gang Bang

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Juno: The Cheese to your Macaroni

Juno


Release: 12/25/2007
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 32 minutes


FULL PRICE ($$$$)

Ellen Page (Hard Candy) stars as Juno MacGuff, a quirky sixteen-year-old student at Dancing Elk High School. Juno has always endeavored to set herself apart from the high school drones and, thanks to an afternoon with her best friend Paulie Bleeker, played by Michael Cera (Superbad), she is more different than ever from her classmates. Juno never planned to get pregnant, but since there’s never a DeLorean around when you need it, she has to decide what will be best for the two of them.

“Juno”, written by newcomer Diablo Cody, is as atypical as the story’s title character. Juno’s dialogue and that of her supporting cast is steeped in the parlance of our times, adding an air of truthiness to this modern fairytale. No coward to colloquialism, director Jason Reitman (of cleverly written “Thank You for Smoking” fame) creates a film that is funny, involving and endearing.

Cody and Reitman don’t deserve all the credit; surprisingly, all the actors do. I should rephrase; I never fretted that Page would be a dud having witnessed her skills in 2005’s “Hard Candy,” nor did I waver in my adoration of Michael Cera’s humorously matter-of-fact delivery and the continually unexpected talents of Jason Bateman (Smokin’ Aces). Heck, I even knew Allison Janney (Hairspray) and J.K. Simmons (Spider-Man) rarely come to a set without packing the acting heat. But seeing Jennifer Garner give a tolerable performance demands kudos all around (granted, I am basing my opinion of her film skills on the likes of “Elektra” and “Catch and Release”). In all honesty, I thought the hype about the award-deserving performances was just that, with the exception of Page, but having seen “Juno” I stand corrected.

Dirty Undies
Let’s talk about legs. One of the early scenes shows off Page’s and Cera’s gams. But time and time again, the director revisits Cera’s smooth appendages. Don’t believe how attractive they are? Here’s a testimonial:

Despite having obvious sexual situations, “Juno” isn’t overly sexual, graphic, brutal, or harsh on the lobes. It’s really a film worth watching for its merit…and Cera’s thighs.

The Money Shot
Witty, eccentric, amusing; these are just a few words to describe “Juno.” Ellen Page will have you laughing and quoting dialogue for months. A lot happens in “Juno” and aficionados may not be satisfied with its conclusion, but if you and enough friends go see it, then you will have someone to talk about it with while you quote those great lines.

Good Tidings to you, Stargazers!

Before we all slip away from our PCs to spend time with loved ones, I want to wish everyone a very joyous holiday, Happy Kwanzaa, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, etc. In honor of the season, I’d like to tell the tale of three men who come bearing gifts. The gifts are blood, music, and weapons, and those men, of course, are Sweeney Todd, Dewey Cox and Charlie Wilson, the focal characters of the three reviews I have scrawled below. Sally forth and enjoy reading about these movies that may give you a release from the more stressful aspects of the upcoming holidays.

Let's Give War a Chance

Charlie Wilson’s War

Release: 12/21/2007
Rated R
1 hour, 37 minutes

FULL PRICE ($$$$)

One of the shortest (and shortest-titled) films opening this holiday season is this inspired-by-a-true-story flick. Tom Hanks (Forrest Gump) plays the title character, a six-term Texas Congressman in the late eighties who used his charisma and connections to influence various committees into covertly backing the Afghanistan people in their war against the Soviet Union.

Writer Aaron Sorkin (*The American President) adapted the George Crile book based on these true events and director Mike Nichols (*Primary Colors) molded the story into a mesh of memorable scenes and historical footage. These scenes center on Hanks who seems to vie for the title of Scene Chewer Numero Uno against Philip Seymour Hoffman (Punch-Drunk Love). Julia Roberts (Closer) is good, as always, but her role as the highly influential Joanna Herring is little more than a glorified cameo. The frank discourse between Hanks and Hoffman is chock full of great lines, and the matter-of-fact honesty in their dialogue reinforces the emotion and inspiration behind this covert war.

Nichols keeps “War” moving along, delivering a tightly packed and quickly paced film. Nichols focuses on the screen-filling presence of the great actors with their witty quips and strays away from them only to show the contrast with the Afghanistan plight or let the audience gander at Charlie’s knack for attracting beautiful women.

Dirty Undies
Speaking of, not in a while have I wanted to see a woman get buck-ass naked more than when I saw Emily Blunt (Devil Wears Prada) parading about in her unmentionables. I always heard the hype surrounding her sexiness, and now I get it. It is a disappointment that she doesn’t bare all, but there are some other topless females and we get a nice butt shot from what I assume to be Hanks’ body double. Sadly, the finest of the ladies; Roberts, Amy Adams (Enchanted) and all of Charlie’s Angels are provocative, but not gratifying in that nude sort of way.

Hoffman talks as sleazy as he looks with the expletives barely slowing as they tumble from beneath his bushy upper lip. Even Hanks tosses about the occasional F-bomb, but he can’t compete in a battle of vulgarities against the Hoff.

This film is surprisingly graphic in its depiction of the destruction and slaughter of the Afghanistan people. It’s not as detailed as torture porn or even a run-of-the-mill action movie, but the violence was more than I had expected to see.

The Money Shot
“Charlie Wilson’s War” offers up a nice perspective on how we (as in the US) got here in terms of our current embroilment. It establishes this perspective amid jokes, beautiful women, and great acting in a way that makes you forget the seriousness of the subject matter. Besides, it has been a rare occurrence of late to discover a dud Hanks film (“The DaVinci Code” not withstanding), so why wouldn’t you give this film a whirl?

Reilly Takes the Hard Walk

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
Release: 12/21/2007
Rated R
1 hour, 38 minutes

Second Run Seats ($$)

Two years ago we had “Ray.” Last year we were treated to “Walk the Line.” Now comes the story of musical legend Dewey Cox. Told in much the same way as the Johnny Cash biopic, the story of Dewey Cox begins before a pivotal concert, and then leads into remembrances of his humble beginnings on the farm, his rise to stardom through his infectious songs, his descent into drug abuse and the constant struggle with his inner demons. This is but a glimpse into the life of Dewey Cox.

This parody of the singer-biopic genre was co-written by Hollywood’s golden boy, Judd Apatow (Knocked Up), and director Jake Kasdan (Orange County). Members of Dewey’s band and the women in his life are portrayed by a slew of Saturday Night Live alums, including Tim Meadows (The Ladies Man), Chris Parnell (Hot Rod), and Kristen Wiig (Knocked Up), just to name a few. “Walk Hard” also includes tons of cameos by a wide range of singers and actors, and even a few Apatow favs like Jane Lynch (A Mighty Wind), Harold Ramis (Ghostbusters) and the incomparable Paul Rudd (The OH in Ohio). However, it is one of my personal unsung heroes, John C. Reilly (Chicago), who plays Dewey Cox.

Reilly gives his all for an earnest portrayal of the pseudo-legendary singer Cox, and the performances by the supporting cast are commendable. It’s the source material that cannot sustain the potential of the titular character’s life. Some truly side-splitting moments are spread between long spans of the story trying too hard to be funny. There’s always a fine line between quirkiness and inanity in Apatow’s films, and this one falls too far into the latter. Because it’s a parody the writers were able to draw many obvious parallels to movies like “Ray” and “Walk the Line,” and even make a few more obscure references to movies like “Coal Miner’s Daughter” and “La Bamba.” The problem is that the parallels barely added to the humor.

On the plus side, the music is phenomenal. Reilly performs all his own songs and that in itself is a delight. I see myself buying this soundtrack, if for no other reason than not having to sit through the many unfunny and non-musical moments of “Walk Hard” again. I don’t mean to sound so harsh because when this is funny it’s funny, but it’s not nearly as funny as the commercials made it out to be. Maybe that’s because a majority of scenes shown from the trailers are strangely absent…

Dirty Undies
Dewey Cox delivers more than wild drug-induced antics. An orgy aftermath, complete with a room full of pert chesticles and a flaccid cock (thankfully not Cox’s) is on display to be devoured by audience eyes. Jenna Fischer (*Blades of Glory) plays Dewey’s love interest, Darlene, as a lovely and demure southern belle, but the way she works her ice cream and the words coming from her mouth will have your loins yearning for her ring of fire.

The Money Shot
John C. Reilly sings the songs, fights the demons, and walks the hard walk. His performance is one of the best comedic roles of the year in a film that falls well short of audience expectations. With word-of-mouth like it is, Mr. Reilly may need to journey a little longer before finding the vehicle that’ll make him the theatrical juggernaut I know he can be.

Gushing with the Burton Family Holiday Cheer

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Release: 12/21/2007
Rated R
1 hour, 56 minutes

FULL PRICE ($$$$)

Open on an optimistic young sailor putting into port in London. Enter the dark passenger Sweeney Todd, portrayed by Johnny Depp (*Sleepy Hollow), who quickly extols the true virtues of the big city through a musical rendition of his tragic past. He finds refuge with a Ms. Lovett, played by Helena Bonham Carter (Big Fish), above her meat pie shop, who tells him what has happened to his beloved family during his long absence. Filled with wrath, he sets about seeking revenge on the man who destroyed his life and love, Judge Turpin, played by Alan Rickman (Die Hard).

In a season of bright lights and colorful decorations, it’s nice to know there’s a guy like Tim Burton (Edward Scissorhands) around; a director ready to darken the mood and remind us why we should be thankful. “Sweeney Todd” reeks of Burton’s familiar visual style; he has a way of utilizing black and gray tones to an almost vibrant effect (the zigzag stripes and occasional splashes of color help).

I am not familiar with the Stephen Sondheim musical so I’m unclear what influence, if any, writer John Logan (Gladiator) had in establishing this story. The tale of the Demon Barber is told almost entirely through verse, with only a scant amount of non-musical dialogue. The lyrics are clever and cheerfully twisted. The actors’ songs are easy on the ears though I don’t foresee any Grammy nominations for their renditions. Singing aside, Depp is absolutely devoid of redeeming qualities and perverse in the satisfaction attained from his trade. However, its Carter’s twisted portrayal that will leave audiences truly disturbed.

Dirty Undies
Watching the first twenty minutes of Sweeney Todd, it’s obvious to see Burton’s love for Carter lies within the depths of her bosom. Admittedly, she has a certain look about her that makes me want to believe that necrophilia is acceptable, at least in the Burton household. Seriously, you’ve got to admit Helena Bonham Carter and the Living Dead Dolls line were separated at birth:

Aside from Carter’s cleavage, the big draw of “Sweeney Todd” is the reunion of Todd to his beloved friends, the razors. Watching his blades connect with victim after victim, jets of bright red juice spewing from jugulars, heightened by the pulsing score, is thrilling. For an added touch of sweet brutality audiences get the bone-crunching thud of the barber chair ejections with each fatality.

The Money Shot
This holiday season, Burton and the Warner Brothers shield deliver a darkly fun, visually stimulating film that’s also a musical, and it’s drenched in blood. It is a big three-for-three for me to see it, but you will have to decide if the Demon Barber offers up the right trimmings for your holiday spirit.

Repeat Bidness: The Simpsons Movie

Release: 07/27/2007
DVD Release: 12/18/2007
1 hour, 27 minutes
Rated PG-13

FULL PRICE ($$$$)



Would it be too obvious to give a resounding “woo hoo!” or “exxxcellent?” How about I just say, “everything’s coming up Milhouse!”

After being a television mainstay for nearly two decades and having nearly every promotional item ever created bearing their image--from key chains to calendars to action figures to bedroom slippers--creator Matt Groening and company decided that the Simpsons were ready for the big screen.

With “The Simpsons Movie” out on DVD today, fans, both casual and devoted, are dying to know:

• What is it all about?
• Does everyone in Springfield make an appearance?
• Which celebs make cameos?
• Is it true Bart shows his dangle?
• Is it as funny and random as the show tends to be?
• Is it more vulgar than the show?
• Does everything that appears in the commercial really happen in the movie?
• Do any characters die?

And the list of questions goes on and on. Having the answers to all these burning questions, I would like to say (in my best impersonation of the disturbingly anorexic Brittany Murphy), “I’ll never tell!!!”

That’s right. Being an avid lover of Homer and the crew, you may be expecting me to gush over “The Simpsons Movie,”, but I’m not going to. Did I enjoy it? Heck yeah I did! That’s all you need to know. Trying to summarize the plot would just ruin some of the truly inspired moments from the film, and providing Dirty Undies would only spoil any rude and blasphemous comments that the characters make.

After enjoying over four hundred episodes--some inarguably great, some painfully bad (and usually starring Lisa)-- isn’t it worth your money to see the iconic American family on the big screen? If you don’t think it’s worth the price of admission, I’ll be praying to Jebus for your soul.