Trailer Trash: The September-09 Gang Bang

*This post is on Excursion Engage auto-pilot.*

After divvying up the August Trailer Trash into a weekly ordeal, I can't tell you how good it feels to host the gang bang once again. Given the large number of releases this month, you probably think I'm being too enthusiastic.

Trust me stargazers, it's all the studios' doing; I had nothing to do with releasing fifteen films this month. Let's not waste time talking about how many have showed up to play. Let's just get into the releases, according to IMDB. As always, they are ranked from worst to best for your enjoyment.

Exercise the Right To Cinematic Celibacy.

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs (09.18) Is it just me or did they forget to even hint at the story in the trailer? I'll only see this is if I get pelted by a crusty meatball and wonky-stumble into the theater by accident.

Sorority Row (09.11) Even though this is chock full of young hotties and Rumer Willis, I think I'd rather spend my weekend being subjected to unspeakable tortures with a pimped-out, 4-way lug wrench.

Gamer (09.04) Based on my affection for Six Feet Under's Michael C. Hall, I should be psyched about this. However Lamer, as it's known 'round the Whore house, looks to be less about Hall doing his best Richard Dawson (a la Running Man), and more about Gerard Butler and his pimply faced puppeteer.


Carriers (09.04) I can just hear the guys at Paramount back in May: "Folks are eating the new Star Trek up! Do we have any crap films starring this Chris Pine fella we can shove into theaters to capitalize off his newfound stardom?" And thus this craptastic zombie-spin was rescued from the straight-to-DVD bin.

Whiteout (09.11) Two things are immediately wrong with Whiteout. One, it looks like all the boring Armageddon-in-the-snow sequences from the upcoming 2012 were spliced together for a crappy preamble. Two, why would anyone pay to watch Kate Beckinsale prance around overclothed for any length of time?

Fame (09.25) If the original Fame was a musical, what's this? I can't figure how Debbie Allen gets barely a second in the trailer, while Roc and Frasier appear to be the backbone of this after school special. There needs to be a lot more substance if they want to sell this to me, or anyone for that matter.

It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

Love Happens (09.18) The thing I'm most happy about with this premise is that Aniston and Eckhart are practically the same age. Rare, considering most Hollywood pairings match "mature" dudes to barely legal teens. It looks like love happens, but very little else in this date night fodder.

I Can Do Bad All By Myself (09.11) With Academy Award nominee Taraji P. Henson alongside musical guests Gladys Knight and Mary J. Blige, why do the trailers focus on Madea and her recent trip to jail? Melodrama aside, the music should at least be worth the cheap seats.

Pandorum (09.25) I watched both trailers, and I still don't have a clue what this is. One says survivors fighting hallucinations, the other says survivors versus mutants. Whatever the hell is going on, I'd just as soon wait to find out on DVD.

Astro Boy (09.23) Maybe it's the kid in me, or maybe I'm just happy to see an animated movie that's not in 3D, but I'm digging Astro Boy. It looks like good, lighthearted fun with a touch of action to keep the adults awake.

Jennifer's Body (09.18) Megan Fox is on my list. Well, she is on THAT list, too, but I was referring to the "Sick and Tired" list. That said, Jennifer's Body looks to be the most promising horror movie this month. Still, my disdain for her won't let me be too excited.

This is a No Fox Zone. Move Along.

All About Steve (09.04) Look, it's another Ken Jeong spotting! Oh yeah, Sandra Bullock also stars. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the state of her career as she gets passed from one rising male star to the next like a doobie. Still, Thomas Haden Church, Keith David and an over-the-top shtick by Bullock should make this passable and funny despite itself.

Moist With Antici...Pation!

The Surrogates (09.25) Any movie starring Bruce Willis automatically sucks the admission price right out my wallet. Fortunately, the intriguing sci-fi future depicted in The Surrogates also has me sold. The graphic novel it's based on is at the top of my reading stack, so I can't wait to compare and contrast.

9 (09.09) In the spirit of all things 9:

Oh My God, Everything About This Looks Beyond Awesome!

Extract (09.04) You had me at Mike Judge:

If that doesn't float your boat, everything about this trailer oozes hilarity, from Bateman's deadpan delivery to the great That Guys & Gals to what looks to be an enjoyable Affleck performance. At a minimum, you can stare at the mighty fine Mila for ninety minutes.


***

Back to true Gang Bang form, I have abstained from including limited releases. A shame, really, since Matt Damon's The Informant! (09.18) looks like a smartly written laugh riot. It may be deserving of some special treatment later in the month. What say you, Bateman?