Can you believe it, stargazers? It's time for the final Trailer Trash of 2009. It feels like the year has flown by. Then again, thinking back to some of the horrid movies I've sat through, it didn't move nearly fast enough.
That's all in the past, let's talk about the future. Specifically, the fourteen major releases being crammed into theaters this holiday season. Here's the December lineup according to IMDB. I've sorted them from best to worst for your reading enjoyment.
Exercise the Right To Cinematic Celibacy.
Transylmania (12.04) If they really wanted to cash in on the vampire craze, why not try selling New Moon bootlegs to the lines of moist Twilighters outside of the theater. As far as I'm concerned, copyright infringement is way more legal than wasting money producing this crap.Did You Hear About the Morgans? (12.18) The recession's hit everyone hard. That's the only way to explain why Sam Elliott's slumming it. He should have done the math; Sarah Jessica Parker = Fingernails, Hugh Grant = Chalkboard, Parker + Grant = Shrill, shudder-inducing annoyance.
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (12.23) Speaking of excruciatingly shrill, what's worse than having to hear Beyoncé's horrifically bad Single Ladies song for the one-zillionth time? Having to hear it sung a la Chipette Auto-Tune! My undying affection for Anna Faris is the only thing keeping me from burning this fucker to the ground.
It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.
The Slammin' Salmon (12.11) Though Club Dread isn't a favorite, you can count on the Broken Lizard fellas for a few good laughs. Michael Clarke Duncan may steal their thunder, but as long as I'm laughing at something stupid I'll be a happy camper.
Everybody's Fine (12.04) Remember the delightfully funny English flick Waking Ned Devine? I do, and I'm excited about its creator's latest. The attractive cast is being sold with a perfectly acceptable home-is-where-the-heart-is tale. However, methinks a weightier premise than an inoffensive Christmas with the kids awaits.
The Princess and the Frog (12.11) "After 75 years of Magic, Walt Disney" figured if a black man can be President, they can finally have an animated black princess. The days when the most one could hope for was a Peabo Bryson song on the soundtrack are long gone. This'll get my patronage just to show support for finally doing the right thing.
The Lovely Bones (12.11) Visually, this appears spectacular. But...Having read the book, my biggest hang ups are Rachel Weisz and Mark Wahlberg as the Salmon parents. Seriously? I guess we will have to trust in Peter Jackson on this one.
Armored (12.04) Eight months. For eight months this trailer has preceded every gorram movie I saw at the theater. At first the idea of Fred Ward, Skeet Ulrich and Larry "Crazy Laugh" Fishburne gave me a little action chubby. Now I just want to go to see if I've sorted all the twists out.
Avatar (12.18) Honestly, the story isn't all that compelling. The main draw is seeing what a rumored half-billion dollar budget looks like in amazingly innovative 3D. If it weren't for that curiosity, M-Rod would still give me reason enough to see this.
Sherlock Holmes (12.25) Robert Downey, Jr. as Sherlock Holmes initially had me stoked. Then I was barraged by trailer after Cheez-Whiz-saturated trailer. You'd think the sexy cast would help, but be prepared for another Van Helsing.
Moist With Antici...Pation!
It's Complicated (12.25) After the roast beast feast, why not liberate the grandparents from the home and treat them to a Meryl movie? While laughing at sex jokes may be awkward with Nana and Pop-pop present, with Baldwin and Martin also starring this complicated romance promises good, simple fun.
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (12.25) Terry Gilliam films can be hit or miss, and we all know his last project with the late Heath Ledger was DEFINITELY the latter. Still, Imaginarium looks fantastic and the concept of the multi-actor Tony character holds promise; sweet, sexy promise.
Invictus (12.11) With Eastwood behind the camera directing Morgan Freeman AND Hilary Swank again, this is sure to be an award-winning reunion. Isn't it amazing how much she bulked up to play a South African Rugby player?!
Brothers (12.04) What better way to stay warm in winter than to cuddle up with the combined heat of Natalie Portman and Jake Gyllenhaal? Like a cardboard insulating sleeve, a crazed, fuglified Tobey Maguire promises to temper their fire and add some heady, popcorn-munching drama that's not to be missed.
***Know what? I'm not ready to say goodbye to the trailers of 2009 just yet. I've got one more gang bang in me. Check back next week for a special Limited Release Edition of the Trailer Trash! I'll take a look at the seven films studios are parceling out to audiences in order to build that Oscar buzz.
Great read! I'm hoping to see Brothers at some point. It seems interesting, but then how bad could looking at Jake Gyllenhaal and Tobey Maguire for two hours be??? :)
ReplyDeleteHow are you?
-Shannon
Oh, and, thank you for putting 'Single Ladies' into my head for the rest of the day!!! Now I'll have to return the favor...
ReplyDelete"Oops, I did it again...I played with your heart...got lost in the game..."
Mwaaaahaaahaaa!
Thanks for stopping by! I'm doing well, and you?
ReplyDeleteI think we're going to catch Brothers this weekend if something else doesn't come up.
I think I'm immune to that inane song finally. It only took hearing it every day for most of '09, but what can you do?
Mark Wahlberg was second choice for the Salmon parent, first choice was the guy from The Notebook.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to it though. Probably will see it tomorrow. Maybe Brothers as well.
I could totally see Ryan Gosling as Pap Salmon. Oh well, I'll make due w/ Marky Mark.
ReplyDeleteBrothers and Precious still top my list so Lovely Bones may have to wait another week or two.
The Lovely Bones is in limited release. Frak! Saw Precious. Messed up movie. pretty good though.
ReplyDeleteFrakkin IMDB and it's misprinted information!
ReplyDeleteSaw Precious over the weekend. Seriously messed up life, but great movie.
I have got two or three reviews in the pipe line now: Vengeance, Bitch Slap, and Precious. Avatar will make it four.
ReplyDelete"Sarah Jessica Parker = Fingernails, Hugh Grant = Chalkboard, Parker + Grant = Shrill, shudder-inducing annoyance." LMAO!
ReplyDeletewas also disheartened to see sam elliot associated with this dreg of a film.
and man, only wanted to see one of these movies; sherlock holmes--and i say "wanted" cause once i found i guy ritchie was directing, it was an instant turnoff. may still see cause of RDJ. not a great time of year for film
@film-book: that's better than me. I've got two dozen reviews. I've been majorly slack!
ReplyDelete@IW: I like Guy Ritchie's work mostly (?Revolver?) I've noticed they recut the Sherlock commercials again, now they focus more on the characters and less on the campy action. It is a weird time. It's either strong dramatic movies or filler. Fingers crossed Sherlock will be more than filler.