August is well underway; the summer is waning and the studios are rolling out their last-ditch efforts to wrest your hard-earned dollars. The first part of the month will be front-loaded with all manner of films, but it's up to you to choose wisely.
With twenty-two total releases in August, fifteen of which will go wide during the month (according to IMDB), you may need my help to make an informed decision. Let's get started.
Exercise the Right To Cinematic Celibacy.
Step Up 3D (08.06) Every time I see this trailer, I wish it were possible to grab a dancer by their outstretched hand and yank them into the theater so the entire audience can collectively beat the shit out of this unholy spawn of dance movies and 3D technology.
Nothing personal, 'Other Asian' from Glee.Vampires Suck (08.18) At least give these guys credit for not naming it Vampire Movie, though that would've sounded better. My only question is why, Ken Jeong, why? This was really the best project you could find between seasons of Community? I may have to rethink my FMK Friday decision.
Lottery Ticket (08.20) On the one hand, it's got funny fellas like Mike Epps and Brandon T. Jackson and talented actors like Loretta Devine and Keith David. On the other hand, what the hell is up with Ice Cube sporting white novelty hair color while rehashing his only hit movie's pivotal scene (Read: You got knocked the fuck out, man!)?! Run out of ideas much?
Twelve (08.06) What the hell is this; some kind of Less than Zero revamp comprised of a cast of zeroes? Granted, movies centered around drug-addled people have never really been my thing, but I doubt the emotional tribulations of "White Mike" would ever interest me.
It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.
Nanny McPhee Returns (08.20) I guess it was only a matter of time before Maggie Gyllenhaal realized she needed to make at least one movie she could watch with her daughter without leaving the child traumatized. Although I've never seen the first installment this looks kinda fun, and I'd probably check it out if I were ten.
The Last Exorcism (08.27) Never much cared for Eli Roth's spin on horror, so even a project he's producing gives me pause. Exorcisms are the latest classic horror tale to be given the shaky, hand-held documentary spin. While the devilish possession looks wicked cool, the PG-13 rating burns like I was dragged into church.
The Switch (08.20) I've been waiting for the movie that will theatrically redeem Jason "Michael Bluth" Bateman after last year's Extract, and watching him mix up a jizz cocktail from his well after spilling the top-shelf semen has potential. Sadly, much of my hopes dribble down the drain because he must share the marquee with Jennifer Anustain.
"Time to sprinkle a little Pepper Brooks around your rim."Takers (08.27) Stop me if you've heard this one: an abusive boyfriend, an ex-con and Darth Vader decide to rob a bank. Who do you kill first? In all serious, I'm a sucker for a heist film, so I'll at least slip into the cheap theater for the explosions... and to see if Matt Dillon has better chemistry with the armored truck this time around.
Eat Pray Love (08.13) Rumor has it theaters will be handing out estrogen pills and a strap-on vulva to help men relate to Julia's latest exploits. She'll travel, she'll cry, she'll go Stella Payne on James Franco and, somewhere along the journey to discover herself, Ms. Roberts will discover her wide-mouthed ability to erupt in horse-braying laughter. Audiences everywhere will exhale a satisfying sigh as they embark on their next destination, the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory.
The Other Guys (08.06) The McKay-Ferrell comedy combo is always a little too idiotic to be a foolproof formula, but I've yet to grow tired of the shtick. All the usual trappings, including a throwback star from the 90s (Keaton), are here. The only risk; pairing Marky Mark with the man-child.
"You're gonna like this guy; he's all right." Going the Distance (08.27) A likable, boyish-looking actor with thick eyebrows and a friendly smile starts dating a likable, girlish-looking actress with a lisp and a friendly smile. They decide to date, then make a movie, break up, and release said movie. Will their lovey-dovey gushiness translate to the screen or was the film's slap-crappy shtick the beginning of the end? A more appropriate title would have been (5,000) Kilometers of Summer.
Piranha 3D (08.20) I shouldn't want to see this. I hate the whole concept of 3D and this looks like something SyFy would only show in the wee hours of the morning. But I've been waiting for Elisabeth Shue to make her comeback ever since Hamlet 2, and if seeing this opening weekend will make that happen, then consider my ticket boughten.
Moist With Antici...Pation!
Middle Men (08.06) Shut up, just shut up. You had me at internet porn... and Luke Wilson... just not Luke Wilson in internet porn.
"Bom Chicka Wah Wah"Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (08.13) Though I've already seen this, the trailer landed it at the top of my must-see August movie list the first time I saw it (and not just because Mary Elizabeth Winstead is crazy cute). After three less-than-stellar releases, the former George-Michael Bluth is in greater need of redemption than his dad.
"Fight!"The Expendables (08.13) When I first heard rumors Stallone was assembling all the action badasses into one movie, my cock gave a little twitch. When the trailer premiered, it had my "attention." With less than two weeks before its release, it's becoming increasingly difficult to hide my raging action boner. I suspect you won't want to be anywhere near the Brier Creek 14 next weekend.
"Sploosh!"***
Sadly, there are still five more limited releases, but I've been pounded long enough for a single stretch. I will say that Gemma Arterton's The Disappearance of Alice Creed and Tales from Earthsea have piqued my interest, so if anyone's seen them, gimme the scoop!
Seriously rethinking my commitment to see "The Expendables" with you. Definitely sounds like I need to leave a seat in between us.
ReplyDeleteI will say I'm in agreement with most of your selections.. Step Up 3D (really!) I'm guessing the 3D will come in effect as your watching this crap crash and burn so you can see the flying debris. You know my feeling towards Vampires Sucks, really these spoofs have been horrible. Nanny McPhee wasn't so bad first time around, 2nd not so sure. Takers reminds me of Point Break, guessing its due to rubber masks. Come on... Mark and Will together LOL
ReplyDeleteOH MY GOD SCOTT PILGRIM IS OUT THIS WEEK I FORGOT I MUST PREPARE FUUUUUUUCK!
ReplyDeleteI like this Darth Vader fellow. Leftover nostalgia from Life as a House, you'd presume.
@Dodge This!: Just bring a towel, cuz it might get wet! :-p
ReplyDelete@onesweetmonkey: Mark & Will turned out to be a great pairing. I'll have my write-up soon.
@Simon: Yes, you must prepare! Pilgrim is a can-not miss!
Wow, Life as a House, seems like so long ago. I always enjoyed his performance in Shattered Glass.
That's so hopeful.The movie of august the greatest achievement of Vampires Suck is an entirely unintentional one -- in condensing the key story elements of the three Twilight films into less than 90 minutes, it pinpoints what bloated melodramas Meyers' films really are.
ReplyDeletepanther