Friday, May 18, 2012

Trailer Trash: May 18 of 2012

If you want to save yourself some time, this weekend's new releases look like horrid shit, tedious shit, and shit that is coming out smelling like roses. You can probably guess which is which, but in case you'd like a little more exposition, here you go.

Battleship A.K.A. The Horrid Shit. Oh my does this look like a fucktastic failure. The action effects appear to be the scraps from Transformers and most likely are. Underwater alien ships that island fisherman have known about forever, but whose presence has somehow gone undetected by imaging satellites for decades, really? I pieced that shit-ass plot point together from Rihanna's hackneyed dialogue. Which reminds me, if I had any desire to see Rihanna in any kind of movie, it'd better be a porn. Battleship's casting has the makings of a promising gangbang, but I can damn well guarantee the only people getting fucked senseless will be audiences who waste the money to go see this HORRID SHIT.

Verdict:  Exercise My Fucking Right to Cinematic Celibacy.

The Dictator Early trailers for The Dictator looked like Sasha Baren Cohen doing the same tired-ass shit he's done in Borat and Bruno. Then I saw John C. Reilly and Anna Faris are joining him and found out there's an actual scripted plot instead of random hijinks. Very nice. Probably not going to be ground-breaking, but tolerable enough that I'll catch it sometime.

Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

What to Expect When You're Expecting A.K.A. The Tedious Shit. I'm quickly growing sick of these vaguely book-related adaptations. The concept is almost as lame as adapting a fucking board game into a movie. I love me some Elizabeth 'Banksable' Banks, but not even her infectious awesomeness can pull me into the theaters. Her magnetic effect on me must be canceled out by all the negativity generated from her costars.

Verdict:  Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.

I am planning to see Dark Shadows finally and if I really need to see a second movie, there's Space Prison, a.k.a. Lockout at the cheap theater. I can always go enjoy The Avengers a second time too. Anything is preferable to this week's offerings.

Large Association of Movie Blogs


  1. Love the ire directed at Battleship, and oh my, is this a line: "if I had any desire to see Rihanna in any kind of movie, it'd better be a porn."

    Amen on the vaguely-book-related adaptations. We should just adapt fortune cookies into movies and spare ourselves the 10-years between now and when Hollywood is actually doing that.

    1. Thanks. I'm glad you appreciate my Rihanna sentiment.

      That fortune cookie idea doesn't sound too damned bad. I've probably got enough of them that I've saved over the years to craft an entire trilogy!