Trailer Trash: May 18 of 2012

If you want to save yourself some time, this weekend's new releases look like horrid shit, tedious shit, and shit that is coming out smelling like roses. You can probably guess which is which, but in case you'd like a little more exposition, here you go.

Battleship A.K.A. The Horrid Shit. Oh my does this look like a fucktastic failure. The action effects appear to be the scraps from Transformers and most likely are. Underwater alien ships that island fisherman have known about forever, but whose presence has somehow gone undetected by imaging satellites for decades, really? I pieced that shit-ass plot point together from Rihanna's hackneyed dialogue. Which reminds me, if I had any desire to see Rihanna in any kind of movie, it'd better be a porn. Battleship's casting has the makings of a promising gangbang, but I can damn well guarantee the only people getting fucked senseless will be audiences who waste the money to go see this HORRID SHIT.

Verdict:  Exercise My Fucking Right to Cinematic Celibacy.

The Dictator Early trailers for The Dictator looked like Sasha Baren Cohen doing the same tired-ass shit he's done in Borat and Bruno. Then I saw John C. Reilly and Anna Faris are joining him and found out there's an actual scripted plot instead of random hijinks. Very nice. Probably not going to be ground-breaking, but tolerable enough that I'll catch it sometime.



Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.

What to Expect When You're Expecting A.K.A. The Tedious Shit. I'm quickly growing sick of these vaguely book-related adaptations. The concept is almost as lame as adapting a fucking board game into a movie. I love me some Elizabeth 'Banksable' Banks, but not even her infectious awesomeness can pull me into the theaters. Her magnetic effect on me must be canceled out by all the negativity generated from her costars.


Verdict:  Exercise the Right to Cinematic Celibacy.

I am planning to see Dark Shadows finally and if I really need to see a second movie, there's Space Prison, a.k.a. Lockout at the cheap theater. I can always go enjoy The Avengers a second time too. Anything is preferable to this week's offerings.

Trailer Trash: The November 19th Quickie

I'm ashamed to admit it, but for all my recent buzzing over some of November's new releases, I haven't been to the theater either of the past two weekends.  The DT's are pretty unbearable at this point so I am hoping a potent injection of mainstream movies will bring me down.

According to IMDb, this weekend promises only two major releases, studios opting to instead hold the film flood until Thanksgiving Eve. Luckily these two choices comprise some of the best options stargazers have had for entertainment... and for me to get my fix.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1  The adverts tout "It All Ends Here" except that it doesn't really. This is Part 1, the true end won't satisfy Potheads until July 2011. Nevertheless, this is the beginning of the end to a franchise that has defined a decade of moviegoers. The snippets and characters previewed excite me, though I'm wary it may be as poorly adapted as the Half-Blood Prince. I've never been a huge fan of the films, but at this point in the series, studios can consider my next two tickets boughten.

Verdict: Moist With Antici...Pation!
       

The Next Three Days Creators picked the perfect title. The overall success of the latest Russell Crowe flick hinges on its box office performance the next three days. The Banks-able magic of his co-star will never be enough to expelliarmus Potter from the top spot, but will their combined mojo even be enough to defeat Megamind or keep Unstoppable's train from pulling into third? Only the next three days will tell.


Verdict: It's Friday, I Don't Want to be Alone.
 
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A couple of decent selections for the weekend. I'll be playing catch up the next three days and I have more options than I do hours to watch them. Exciting!

Models and Porno

Not to disappoint you, but this is not a post about some amateur video starring Adriana Lima giving a Dutch Rudder after a night of too much green tea and appletinis. This post is actually a double team review of two comedies featuring a ton of Judd Apatow regulars sans the Apatow influence.

Role Models
Release:11.07.08
Rated R
1 hour, 35 minutes

Full Price ($$$$) <
> Matinee ($$$)

Zack and Miri Make a Porno
Release:10.31.08
Rated R
1 hour, 41 minutes

Matinee ($$$)

Having both these films out in theaters right now can be a bit confusing. I mean one features Elizabeth Banks alongside an adorable, clean-cut fellow while the other features Elizabeth Banks opposite a a cuddly, scruffy fellow. If the deciding factor is your Banks-able tolerance level, she's barely in Role Models but headlines as the Miri in Zack and Miri. If you want fun and spunky Elizabeth, Z&M is the sure bet.

In Role Models, Danny (Paul Rudd, 40 Year Old Virgin) and Wheeler (Seann William Scott, Road Trip) are spokesmen for the energy drink Minotaur. After ten years at the firm, Danny's increasingly bitter existence leads him to some destructive shenanigans, leaving both he and Wheeler to do 30 days jail time or serve 150 hours of community service. Chosing the supposed lesser sentence, Danny and Wheeler join Sturdy Wings, mentoring Augie (Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Superbad) and Ronnie (Bobb'e J. Thompson, Idlewild), respectively. The two most difficult 'Littles' paired with the two most inept "Bigs," what could possibly happen?

Miri (Elizabeth Banks, Seabiscuit) shares a dilapidated apartment with her best friend Zack (Seth Rogen, Pineapple Express). Niether are particularly motivated to do any more than amble through life until their water and power are shut off in the middle of winter in Monroesville, PA. Zack, having recently met a porn star at their high school reunion, decides he and Miri should make an amatuer porno to earn quick cash. Enlisting friends and hiring some talent, the movie really starts coming together until complications arise from the friends, um, coming together.

I expected the hilarity of Role Models to be saddled on the backs of a couple of characters. Surprisingly the four fellows each share the burden, getting equal time in the limelight. Jane Lynch (A Mighty Wind) has a funny albeit bizarre role as the Sturdy Wings founder, Gale. While her and others are recognized as recent Apatow faves, the film is a product of The State crew, including Ken Marino (TV: Reaper), Keri Kenney-Silver (TV: Reno 911!), and director David Wain. The resulting combination is effective, producing a steady stream of laughter...relying only once on some minor bathroom humor.

Though Banks and Rogen, along with Craig Robinson (Walk Hard), have gained popularity through Apatow's films, you know Kevin Smith (Jersey Girl) is behind the helm when Jason Mewes (Mallrats) and Jeff Anderson (Clerks) also star. As usual, Rogen plays Rogen, only there are times when you can close your eyes and swear it was Smith talking. If there's one shining performance it's Justin Long (Accepted) in a brief appearance as Bobby Long, the outspoken partner of Zack and Miri's former schoolmate. It's obvious everyone is having a blast, running around partially to completely nude, spouting tons of raunchy dialogue in an effort to hide the fact that Z&M is little more than a romantic comedy a la Clerks II.

Dirty Undies
Paul Rudd truly is adorable, even when pouty and pissy. Seann William Scott does tone down the Stifler act, but his sexual escapades exposes not only a few women's bare chests, but his extremely firm buttocks and body. If your offended by expletive spewing kids, or expletives in general, Role Models will undoubtedly offend. Some fighting occurs, both mean and good spirited, but the foam weapons used make it funnier than violent.

As with most Smith fare, Zack and Miri is sure to expand your carnal knowledge base whether you wanted or not. Sex scenes are more laughable than explicit, but can be disturbing for those tamer in the bedroom. Porn stars Traci Lords (Blade) and Katie Morgan dominate the sex scenes (especially Katie's assets). If you are bothered by lots of raunchy sex and sex talk, nasty bathroom humor and the male form then maybe you should pass this by.

The Money Shot
If I had to choose between the two Banks-able projects, just looking at the marquee would be difficult. With Role Models and Zack and Miri Make a Porno both having a sampling of my favorite comedic actors and writers, you have to turn to the execution of their stories.

In the end, Role Models wins for being a well-balanced tale of awkward children reminding the adults life isn't any less awkward when grown. It's a little sugary, but the live action role playing and KISS references add a few fun twists along the way.

Zack and Miri is no slouch by any means. Not a Kevin Smtih best, but hardly a worst either. If vulgarity and goofy hits your funny bone just right, you'll find your money well spent. This is a must-see for fans of Justin Long. Though his part is small, it's not the size that matters, its what he does with it.