A Quickie: Cloverfield

Cloverfield

Release: 01.18.08
DVD Release: 04.22.08
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 25 minutes


Matinee ($$$)

I think I can safely say I'm one of the last movie buffs to see this flick. It was always the next movie to watch at the theater, which then became the next movie to rent from Netflix. Now, it's safely on its way to another renter's home.

In a New York City high rise, Rob (Michael Stahl-David) enters an apartment full of friends. Lily (Jessica Lucas, She's the Man), and her boyfriend, Rob's brother, Jason (Mike Vogel, Texas Chainsaw Massacre) have organized a going-away party for Rob before he jets off to a new job in Japan. Rob's best bud, Hud (T.J. Miller), is documenting everything using a camcorder. They've even invited Rob's unrequited love, Beth (Odette Yustman, Walk Hard), who shakes things up. What really shakes things up begins in Lower Manhattan. The party deteriorates as the Big Apple comes under siege by forces unknown. As the city is evacuated, the friends must double back to rescue Beth and avoid being caught amid the destruction.

It's always nice to be reminded of all the beautiful people enjoying entertaining parties in the city that never sleeps. For that, you can probably thank director Matt Reeves's Felicity experience. The premise is a twist on the old Godzilla movies, only it exclusively follows the flight of a group of individuals in lieu of the city-wide panic. The jittery hand-held camera action was tolerable (mostly), but I couldn't help but cry bullshit more than a few times during the unfolding devastation. Hud repeatedly stresses the need to document the horrific events so people will understand what occurs. Personally, there comes a time in the escape--say, when I am trying to fend off attackers or when I'm attempting to traverse the roof of a near-collapsed building--that I'm going to say fuck posterity and shut the gorram camera off. Obviously, doing so would ruin the gimmick of the film and is therefore why the camcorder rests in the hands of the functionally inept character.

Overlooking that sticking point, Cloverfield is suspenseful and unrelenting. My only other issue is that Beth needed rescue sooner as she is way too sexy to be absent from this herd of hotties for so long. If you're looking for a decent adrenaline rush and can leave the expectation for realistic sensibilities and valid explanation at the door, Cloverfield is just the ticket.

Models and Porno

Not to disappoint you, but this is not a post about some amateur video starring Adriana Lima giving a Dutch Rudder after a night of too much green tea and appletinis. This post is actually a double team review of two comedies featuring a ton of Judd Apatow regulars sans the Apatow influence.

Role Models
Release:11.07.08
Rated R
1 hour, 35 minutes

Full Price ($$$$) <
> Matinee ($$$)

Zack and Miri Make a Porno
Release:10.31.08
Rated R
1 hour, 41 minutes

Matinee ($$$)

Having both these films out in theaters right now can be a bit confusing. I mean one features Elizabeth Banks alongside an adorable, clean-cut fellow while the other features Elizabeth Banks opposite a a cuddly, scruffy fellow. If the deciding factor is your Banks-able tolerance level, she's barely in Role Models but headlines as the Miri in Zack and Miri. If you want fun and spunky Elizabeth, Z&M is the sure bet.

In Role Models, Danny (Paul Rudd, 40 Year Old Virgin) and Wheeler (Seann William Scott, Road Trip) are spokesmen for the energy drink Minotaur. After ten years at the firm, Danny's increasingly bitter existence leads him to some destructive shenanigans, leaving both he and Wheeler to do 30 days jail time or serve 150 hours of community service. Chosing the supposed lesser sentence, Danny and Wheeler join Sturdy Wings, mentoring Augie (Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Superbad) and Ronnie (Bobb'e J. Thompson, Idlewild), respectively. The two most difficult 'Littles' paired with the two most inept "Bigs," what could possibly happen?

Miri (Elizabeth Banks, Seabiscuit) shares a dilapidated apartment with her best friend Zack (Seth Rogen, Pineapple Express). Niether are particularly motivated to do any more than amble through life until their water and power are shut off in the middle of winter in Monroesville, PA. Zack, having recently met a porn star at their high school reunion, decides he and Miri should make an amatuer porno to earn quick cash. Enlisting friends and hiring some talent, the movie really starts coming together until complications arise from the friends, um, coming together.

I expected the hilarity of Role Models to be saddled on the backs of a couple of characters. Surprisingly the four fellows each share the burden, getting equal time in the limelight. Jane Lynch (A Mighty Wind) has a funny albeit bizarre role as the Sturdy Wings founder, Gale. While her and others are recognized as recent Apatow faves, the film is a product of The State crew, including Ken Marino (TV: Reaper), Keri Kenney-Silver (TV: Reno 911!), and director David Wain. The resulting combination is effective, producing a steady stream of laughter...relying only once on some minor bathroom humor.

Though Banks and Rogen, along with Craig Robinson (Walk Hard), have gained popularity through Apatow's films, you know Kevin Smith (Jersey Girl) is behind the helm when Jason Mewes (Mallrats) and Jeff Anderson (Clerks) also star. As usual, Rogen plays Rogen, only there are times when you can close your eyes and swear it was Smith talking. If there's one shining performance it's Justin Long (Accepted) in a brief appearance as Bobby Long, the outspoken partner of Zack and Miri's former schoolmate. It's obvious everyone is having a blast, running around partially to completely nude, spouting tons of raunchy dialogue in an effort to hide the fact that Z&M is little more than a romantic comedy a la Clerks II.

Dirty Undies
Paul Rudd truly is adorable, even when pouty and pissy. Seann William Scott does tone down the Stifler act, but his sexual escapades exposes not only a few women's bare chests, but his extremely firm buttocks and body. If your offended by expletive spewing kids, or expletives in general, Role Models will undoubtedly offend. Some fighting occurs, both mean and good spirited, but the foam weapons used make it funnier than violent.

As with most Smith fare, Zack and Miri is sure to expand your carnal knowledge base whether you wanted or not. Sex scenes are more laughable than explicit, but can be disturbing for those tamer in the bedroom. Porn stars Traci Lords (Blade) and Katie Morgan dominate the sex scenes (especially Katie's assets). If you are bothered by lots of raunchy sex and sex talk, nasty bathroom humor and the male form then maybe you should pass this by.

The Money Shot
If I had to choose between the two Banks-able projects, just looking at the marquee would be difficult. With Role Models and Zack and Miri Make a Porno both having a sampling of my favorite comedic actors and writers, you have to turn to the execution of their stories.

In the end, Role Models wins for being a well-balanced tale of awkward children reminding the adults life isn't any less awkward when grown. It's a little sugary, but the live action role playing and KISS references add a few fun twists along the way.

Zack and Miri is no slouch by any means. Not a Kevin Smtih best, but hardly a worst either. If vulgarity and goofy hits your funny bone just right, you'll find your money well spent. This is a must-see for fans of Justin Long. Though his part is small, it's not the size that matters, its what he does with it.

Not Watching Sex Drive is How People Get Gay

Sex Drive

Release: 10.17.2008
Rated R
1 hour, 49 minutes

Matinee ($$$)





Let me preface by saying I saw Sex Drive way back in August. I'm not sure if it they took it back to the editing room prior to release but let's assume not.

Chicago high-schooler Ian (Josh Zuckerman, Feast) is eighteen and still a virgin unlike his best bud Lance (Clark Duke, Clark and Michael). Though scruffy with a throwback fashion sense, ladies love cool Lance. Felicia (Amanda Crew, She's the Man) is Ian's BFF though he wished it weren't so since he's been feenin' for her since pre-school. To get over her, Lance convinces Ian that his IM buddy Ms. Tasty really is a hot blonde in Knoxville and not some dirty old man. Ian determined to release the virginity pressure, steals the '69 GTO Judge from his older brother Rex (James Marsden, 27 Dresses) to rendezvous with Ms. Tasty. If you think the trip is uneventful with mission accomplished, you've obviously never seen this well-worn premise before.

Zuckerman does a respectable job in the loser role patented by Jason Biggs, Breckin Meyer and the like. His funny scenes rely on bathroom humor - masturbation, condoms and penises mostly, some scenes closely mimicking other sex romp films. Crew is around mainly to be cute and cock block Ian when necessary. Of the trio, Duke commands the funniest lines thanks to his superb delivery.

The hilarity of the film lies with the supporting characters. James Marsden is over-the-top with his homophobia and car obsession. Watching his tantrums is a hilarious departure from his typical good guy roles. Conversely, Seth Green (Austin Powers) uses his perfected sarcasm and dry wit to portray the cool Amish dude Ezekiel. I laughed hardest when Green was in the scene. Sex Drive has a couple more cameos but one's like David Koechner (Get Smart) would've been best omitted.

In fact, it's the nearly two hour runtime that hurts Sex Drive most. At least half the bathroom humor and several peripheral characters, Ian's to-be stepmom and his younger brother among others, could have been cut to trim time and make the jokes pop. Movies like this should never extend too far beyond ninety minutes if they want to be awesome.

Dirty Undies
You expect brief nudity and lots of sex talk in a film called Sex Drive, though more would've been better. There's hot Amish chicks and a hunky Marsden to ogle at least. The bulk of its vulgarity lies in weak bathroom and penis humor. I will give director Sean Anders credit for one excellently executed genitals scene, you'll know it when you see it. The ending devolves into some comedic violence but it's nothing if you've made it through all the cock jokes.

The Money Shot
Sex Drive will not meet any lofty expectations. I'm still bothered by why Rex was living at home despite his age. My expectations ran low but even plot points like that bugged me. I kid, of course. Still, Sex Drive delivers far more laughs than groans. This isn't the kind of movie you question, you just hop in the passenger's seat and enjoy the ride.

LAMB MOTM: EuroTrip

Stargazers, I finally got off my duff and managed to contribute to the LAMB MOTM (that's Movie of the Month to you!). Actually, I wrote my post for the inaugural selection, The Big Lebowski, back in June. I just happened to write it one day too late. No matter, I am turning over a new leaf with the September MOTM:

EUROTRIP

Original Release: 02.20.2004
Rated R
1 hour, 33 minutes

Rating: See below





Predictable Scott Thomas (Scott Mechlowicz, TV: House) already has his summer job lined up, his college enrollment is complete, he's even planned for his girlfriend, Fiona (Kristin Kreuk, TV: Smallville), to attend college with him. But Fiona dumps him at graduation and everyone, both family and friends, hears about it. On the bright side, Scott discovers his German penpal, Mieke (Jessica Boehrs), is a smokin' hot chick. Too bad he thought she was a dude when he emailed to say never contact him again. On the advice of his best friend, Cooper (Jacob Pitts, 21), Scott is convinced the simplest way to reopen communication with his potential soulmate is to go to Germany. Naturally, this last-minute plan is complicated, requiring the boys to fly into London, where they meet up with their friends, twins Jamie (Travis Webster, TV: On the Lot) and Jenny (Michelle Trachtenberg, Ice Princess).

EuroTrip follows in the tried and true tradition of road trip comedies. Guy wants (insert VHS tape/White Castle/girl), object of affection is far away, guy embarks on simple road trip, trip turns needlessly zany and ridiculous. The nuance in EuroTrip is that this road trip takes place in Europe. Scott and his friends traverse London, Paris, Amsterdam, Bratislava, Berlin and Rome via plane, train and automobiles (including a bus full of soccer hooligans) just so Scott can find Mieke.

Would it have been easier for Scott to just create a new email address to contact Mieke after his primary account was blocked? Yes. But where's the fun in that? The fun is watching Scott get into a robot-dance battle with a street performer in Paris. The fun is watching Cooper and Jamie experience the sexual freedom of Amsterdam. The fun is watching the group be accosted by a creepy Italian guy (Fred Armisen, Baby Mama) on a train.

The other fun element of EuroTrip is the cameos. Lucy Lawless (Spider-Man) appears as Madame Vandersexxx and Vinnie Jones plays Mad Maynard, a soccer hooligan with some seriously strong eyelids. I didn't even mention the greatest cameo by Spank Bank inductee Matt Damon. I won't give you any details, but his two minutes of screentime alone is worth the rental.

Dirty Undies
Zany adventures and unbelievable plotlines not for you? How about more bare breasts than you can shake a stick at? And speaking of shaking sticks, EuroTrip has more dong than you would ever expect to see in a non-pornographic film. Sadly, neither The Trach nor her male associates go nude, so you'll have to find those images elsewhere (and let me know when you do find them). EuroTrip not only basks in its R rating, but whole-heartedly acknowledges it; the unrated DVD even boasts a menu to queue the nude scenes for that quick fix.

The Money Shot
By now it's clear that EuroTrip isn't ground-breaking cinema. Things like the Green Fairy and the Vatican debacle are too silly, if that's possible. However, it is a worthy inductee into the halls of venerated road trip comedies and definitely worth a little more than a matinee admission.

As for its designation in the annals of the LAMB MOTM; Reel Whore gives EuroTrip LAMB Love. Check out who else feels the way I do.

Cruz Crushin' - Part 2

Elegy
Release: 08.08.08
Rated R
1 hour, 53 minutes

Full Price ($$$$) <
> Matinee ($$$)


Welcome to Part 2 of Cruz Crushin'. After seeing Penélope Cruz stride confidently among, and all over, the cast of Vicky Cristina Barcelona, it was amazing to see her in such a vastly different, and substantially more sane character.

David Kepesh (Ben Kingsley, Sexy Beast) is a literary critic and professor. He was married early in life but escaped from that union years ago. His son, Kenny (Peter Sarsgaard, Kinsey), continues to carry rage over his father's abandonment. David enjoys a unique relationship with a savvy businesswoman and former student, Carolyn (Patricia Clarkson, Married Life). His closest bond is with his trusted friend, poet George O'Hearn (Dennis Hopper, Swing Vote), with whom he talks at length of sexual desires and exploits. When he meets Consuela Castillo (Penélope Cruz, Blow), his student and a woman three decades younger, David's feelings for this magnificent creature debunk his firmly established hedonistic principles.

Elegy, based on the Philip Roth novel, The Dying Animal, is adapted by Nicholas Meyer (Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country) and directed by Isabel Coixet (Paris, je t'aime - Segment: Bastille). The film opens with a voiceover from David, making observances on the nature of aging. It's a debate of the mind wanting what the body can no longer have, sexually speaking. When David sees Consuela in his class, his mind immediately wants her but he fears his body will be too old to attract her. However, David is patient and professional. Instead of throwing Ms. Castillo across his desk during his first available office hours, he waits until his post-semester party to court her appropriately.

The courtship and budding romance of David and Consuela is subtly directed, with careful attention to detail, by Coixet. Ironically, the film proves you're never too old to experience young love. The camera is as much in love with Penelope Cruz as David is with Consuela. The film solely chronicles David's life; we know nothing about the other characters outside of their interactions with David.

Ben Kingsley is intense. Watching him sit and stare into the distance is more defining than an hour's worth of dialogue. Cruz matches his excellent performance. Hopper's role, though small, is perhaps his best performance in years. Sarsgaard has an equally minuscule, yet crucial role. His story serves to remind the audience, and David, of his past stance on matters of love and fidelity.

Dirty Undies
The expression 'make love to the camera' comes to my mind again and again with Elegy. In one scene, Patricia Clarkson lounges in a chair dressed in her business attire and just the position of her crossed legs is stimulating. Cruz lies about nude a lot, with each scene carrying a different emotional weight. In the more stressful scenes, I had to remind myself to absorb the pain in her teary eyes, not to etch the image of her ample naked bosom in my mind.


The Money Shot
Coixet is amazing behind a camera and her cast amazing in front of one. I found myself empathizing with David, which I think was the goal. If anything, this bittersweet tale frustrates because David does exactly those things you expect and that you would do, too, if you were in love for the first time.

Cruz Crushin' - Part 1

Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Release: 08.15.2008
Rated PG-13
1 hour, 36 minutes

Full Price ($$$$) <
> Matinee ($$$)


LAMBScore:



Before I begin, I must admit that I never really warmed up to Penélope Cruz until I saw her in Volver. Since then, my appreciation has increased, especially after seeing her portray two very different women in two films in the span of one weekend. Hence, this review is titled Cruz Crushin', Part I. Yeah, Hence.

***

Woody Allen (Match Point) brings to the screen his latest project, which centers around best friends Vicky (Rebecca Hall, The Prestige) and Cristina (Scarlett Johansson, Scoop) as they summer in Barcelona, Spain. Sensible Vicky is there to study for her masters in Catalan identity. Bohemian Cristina tags along, searching for her artistic voice and whatever will excite her in life. That excitement introduces himself as painter Juan Antonio (Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men) and offers to fly the women to Oviedo where they can wine, dine and make with the sex. Vicky is insulted, Cristina titillated at Juan's sincere offer. Ultimately, the trio take flight and the inclusion of Juan Antonio rattles the ladies' plans, especially when his ex-wife Maria Elena (Penélope Cruz, Volver) and Vicky's fiancé (Chris Messina, Rounders) unexpectedly infringe on their holiday.

If it acts like Woody Allen and sounds like Woody Allen, should I feel guilty that I enjoy it more when it doesn't look like Woody Allen? The dialogue is unmistakably Allen despite his absence from the screen. Hall and Johansson take turns emoting the nervously neurotic inflections of the director. Bardem and Cruz give the words a natural heat; the two ooze sexuality even though reading from Allen's script. I have to mention Patricia Clarkson (Married Life), who appears briefly as Judy, an old family friend who encourages the ladies to enjoy all Barcelona has to offer.

Allen also wisely chooses to focus on the beautiful landscapes and architecture of Barcelona. The cinematography is warm and inviting, probably the best tourist commercial the City could hope to have. Thoughtful discussions of love, loyalty and human nature fit appropriately against the romantic backdrop.

However, the narration does not seem to fit, if you ask some people. I quickly grew accustomed to the omnipotent narrator filling in the story gaps, but wasn't quite sold on the 60's era educational inflection. My wife, on the other hand, had no qualms with it. To each their own, I say. The narration is only a small element to this easily approachable film.

Dirty Undies
It'd be stiff competition for sexiest performance between Vicky, Cristina, Juan Antonio and Maria Elena (no pun intended). Bardem's eyes express an intense passion and just watching him swagger into a scene will make one swoon. Cruz may play a crazy lady, but her frank and honest attitude shows even as she sits spread-legged or tosses her lion's mane of jet black hair about.

I can't help but wonder if Allen isn't piecemeal pimping Ms. Johansson to audiences. She's been oiled up bareback (Match Point), lifted wet and shimmering from the pool (Scoop), and here she not only has rather liberal sexual relations with her Spanish friends, but nearly exposes her ample breasteses to the world. I figure at this rate she'll be fully nude by their fifth collaboration. If it's for our benefit, great. If it's for his benefit, Soon-Yi best keep an eye out!

The Money Shot
Vicky Cristina Barcelona is exactly that, a film about two women lost in the alluring fantasy of a beautiful City - even if only for a short time. Like a romantic evening, it's full of tasty treats and warm lighting; there's great conversation and some anxiety; and there's a little sexual exploration before reality returns.

A Quickie: Shine a LIght

Shine a Light
Release: 04/04/2008
Rated PG-13
2 hours, 2 minutes

Full Price ($$$$) <
> Matinee ($$$)

A gaunt, music God preens and prances to and fro on the screen before me. I wonder if the soul of the Greek legend Pan thrives within this strange creature. Opposite him, a leering troll-like beast hunches down to look the assembled crowd in the eyes as he brandishes one of his many colorful axes. He smiles as his talons stroke his instrument, creating sounds to excite the uproarious listeners. From the description, you'd think you might have entered into a screening of the latest fairy tale film, but you'd be wrong. The myths described above are none other than Mick Jagger and Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones.

While I may have exaggerated a bit, truly these men along with Ronnie Wood and Charlie Watts are the stuff of legend. I have never claimed to be an avid fan of the Stones. I have never seen them in concert but I do enjoy many of their songs when I come across them on the radio. Sympathy for the Devil and Paint it Black are a couple of my all-time favorite songs. When Jagger struts onto the stage of the Beacon Theatre in Manhattan, director Martin Scorsese (Michael Jackson's Bad) captures every note, every expression, every riff of Sympathy and many, many other great Stones hits. In the few moments when I was not watching the band tear it up (by themselves or with guest performers Jack White, Buddy Lee, or Christina Aguilera), I found myself marveling at the number of cameras Scorsese littered in the corners of the stage and in the crowd to give audiences the Stones experience.

It isn't just a Stones concert. Within the two-hour runtime, Scorsese presents a candid prelude to the concert and drops in the occasional archival interview. Those moments don't delve all that deeply into the Stones history, but serves more to show that these fellas are great friends with limitless energy. Especially, you can almost feel the childlike joy Keith Richards experiences in every moment.

Watching concerts in the comfort of a movie theater may seem a bit dull since you can't get up and groove. I found myself fidgeting from time to time, my legs feeling the need to strut. Likewise, my wife felt it ran a bit long. That said, this is one worth watching for the sheer spectacle and legend of it all. If they tour in this area again we will be going to see them, but if that never happens this film experience is close enough to the real thing.